I blew up at my mother

JillianNJohn · April 2013

And while I feel bad bc she is my mother, I couldn't take it anymore. I apologize this got lengthy. Ill admit I'm a strong willed and often stubborn person, but I refuse to let someone control what I do,

She has told ppl to expect their invites and given them hotel info, registry info and said shed pass the word as soon as she hears about my bridal shower. So far I'm counting 15 different COUPLES she's done this for. That's 30 ppl.... We are having a small-ish wedding, under 75 people. NONE of them are being invited, most i havent spoken to in over 5 years, and a few ive never met but am somehow related to, she has never seen my guest list, as FI and I are funding 100% of the wedding, reception, honeymoon, and rehearsal dinner so we feel its none of her business.

We know WHY she is doing it and I finally told her its MY wedding she can deal with MY family being there or she can not attend. My bio father passed when I was 9, I was cut off from his family for over 10 yrs (by her) now I am close to them, they are traveling in for the wedding and my cousin is driving 1500 miles to perform the ceremony as he's a minister. My mother found this out (my looking in my wedding planner) and is FURIOUS with me. She now sees it as me choosing his family over hers.

I told her she can retract the invite bc we will not have room for them, and I am not having a bridal shower.... Well that she knows of. My MOH is throwing a shower/bachelorette bash for me and I can guarantee its something my mother wont NOT approve of.

I was then lectured about how SELFISH I'm being for not inviting them. 1 conversation was "I'm sending you cousin Nancy's address bc she moved, you must invite her, her husband and their 4 children" I said WHO? She says "nancy my cousin she was at your first wedding" and my response was "oh yeah I introduced myself to her at my first wedding bc I thought she was related to the groom, and the last time I talked to her was at THAT wedding, sorry mom we don't have room for their family.... dont you remmeber i had no say On that guest list???"

For others it was "you must invite them, its not a negotiation here, they will get you a big gift" ughhh!!!!! I DONT CARE!! When she heard about my ring it was "if I like it depends in how big it is" I am sooo not my mother in that aspect!! And now that she's giving registry info out she feels if we get a gift we must invite to the wedding, or return the gift. I just blew her off on that.

I love my mother don't get me wrong but I am so tired of being told whom I have to invite. we never asked ANYONE to help pay for our wedding, we never expected offers either. It's a second marriage for each of us. In fact when we announced we were getting married instead of congrats my mother said "don't expect me to pay for Anything, I did that once and we saw how it ended". And that truly rubbed FI wrong bc he saw the BRUISES that ended my first marriage.

Any suggestions on how to handle her in the future??? She goes 4-5 days of not talking to me, then a few texts about wedding stuff (I'm vague bc anything I've shown her isnt what shed choose and she's vocal on it), she was mad i didnt get a 15 foot veil, the colors r bad for june, the flowers should be real not silk, peacock feathers are tacky... etc etc etc... then she starts on the guest list again and we go round n round. FI is trying so hard to stay out of it but its driving him crazy too. She's starting texting him asking if he knows why I cut so n so from the guest list after telling her they'd be invited. FI knows its not true and he hates that she's trying to trick him. We've gone as far as each of us having a copy of the guest list in our cell phones so we can check when she pulls these stunts.

JillianNJohn · April 2013

Lol your whitesox comment made me laugh.. Thanks I needed that!!! We have an appt with the venue on the 13th and I'm going to ask them about a gate check in list. It's a 500 acre ranch in the mountains and there is 1 or 2 ways in and out. I believe all guests enter one way and there is someone there but I'm not certain. Thank you for the reminder on that. I added it to my list of questions. I have hit a point that I just start laughing anytime the "they were at the first wedding" reason comes up. How is that even relavent??? on her telling ppl.... one person actually emailed me and said they heard about my wedding and admitted it was the first she had heard of my DIVORCE from #1 (which was about 5 yrs ago) and wAsnt even aware I had THREE children bc the last time they saw me my first was just a baby (he's 11). It also included a very nice sorry we can't make it, that's our annual family vacay week. So of coarse I responded politely with we do understand, and hope you have a great trip.

Angelface225 · April 2013

Wow, that's crazy! I would definitely say to make sure you hold your ground. If you give on anything, she's going to push for her way on everything. I would cut her off from all planning (I have no patience for drama), it sounds like she got her MOB experience already and was pretty pushy then. Don't let her ruin this day for you! I agree with PP about changing the subject whenever she brings things up. And make sure she knows it's HER responsibility to let those people she invited know that they can't come, she created the mess and she should clean it up. Good luck! Feel free to vent to us! ETA: spelling

JillianNJohn · April 2013

Thanks for the support ladies. I knew I could count on you, Today she told me "aunt n uncle so n so are coming" and I said "ok so I expect to have your check for $150 per person by next Saturday since that's when I meet with the venue next". (Ok I embellished the cost but it had to be done). She was getting all huffy n puffy saying she's not paying for it so I said "ok then you need to disinvite them, for every guest YOU invited it will be $150 and I must be paid in full before the wedding day or they will not be placed on the guest list that will be checked at the gate" She was livid... Got all mad, hung up... And sure enough like clock work 20 min later my dad called me. I explained the issue and he is on my side. All my mom told him was that I'm demanding they pay for anyone in HER family attending, which he admitted she was being irrational about. I told him as I told my mom we are paying for her parents and their care giver whether they attend or not and simply bc my grandfather is older and in poor health and can't commit but won't say no. My gut says they aren't coming, but I don't have it in me to Not save them seats and have them show up. I later got told how insulted she is that I do not care what the mother of the bride wears to my dream wedding, bc she will be representing me and she absolutely must be the prettiest dressed person there. I honestly hate that she keeos calling it my dream wedding, i know its guilt on her part, but the past is the past, ive chosen to leave it there. regardless of what my first wedding was, it would NOT have made the outcome of that marriage any different, anyhow, i busted up laughing and said I had to go. We have enough to do.... HER outfit is not a big deal to me. Nothing shes picking says 55 yr old mother of the bride... all the pics show dresses worn by 20 yr old women ya know?? she is not listed anywhere, does not have a special seat, she is simply A GUEST at the wedding. Maybe im being cold now but really.... I don't see anyone remembering what she wore to my wedding. And we are discussing not even doing family photo shots as FI will not have any family there. He only has his mother and she's not coming, and does not talk to his estranged half sisters (hasn't in 20 yrs).

erinlin25 · April 2013

unless people receive an actual invitation I would hope none of them would even try to show up to the wedding. Your mom should be the one to "uninvite" them, but in reality none of them will be invited since you are not sending them an invitation. Your mom will look bad, not you. You are right in the fact that if you are paying the bill then you have control of the guestlist.

I blew up at my mother

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