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How to get my MOH to step up?

mspookie1108mspookie1108 member
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in Moms and Maids
My MOH out of state about 3 hours away. I realize that she won't be able to help with  some stuff and I don't by any means expect her to come here ever weekend but she's not really stepping up to her duties. She came out here for one dress shopping event and a bridal show and seemed really excited but now as the day is getting closer she seems distant and not excited anymore. I will be having 2 showers in June and when I called and told her the dates  she said she would "try" to make our family one but she's not sure if she can... I understand her not making both showers since she lives so far away but I am not ok with her missing both! . Also every time I call to ask her advice or get her opinion she just turns the question back to me asking what I want. How do I get her to help me without getting upset and turning into a bridezilla or worse starting a war?
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Re: How to get my MOH to step up?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-get-my-moh-to-step-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ebdd24e8-2fec-492c-98c5-e956b207aa8dPost:23a815d7-09a9-4279-8a94-53f19b3907e9">How to get my MOH to step up?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MOH/cousin/ bff lives out of state about 4 hours away. I realize that she won't be able to help with  some stuff and I don't by any means expect her to come here ever weekend but she's not really stepping up to her duties. She came out here for one dress shopping event and a bridal show and seemed really excited but now as the day is getting closer she seems distant and not excited anymore. I will be having 2 showers in June and when I called and told her the dates  she said she would "try" to make our family one but she's not sure if she can... I understand her not making both showers since she lives so far away but I am not ok with her missing both! Our family one is on a Sunday and she is off on Sundays, but is insisting she would have to take Monday off ( when she goes back to work Monday afternoon) and it might put her into negative time off at work. She has now also hinted to me that I should just plan my own bachlorette party since I live in Chicago and know the area better. Also every time I call to ask her advice or get her opinion she just turns the question back to me asking what I want. How do I get her to help me without getting upset and turning into a bridezilla or worse starting a war?
    Posted by mspookie1108[/QUOTE]


    You don't. The only "duty" she has is to show up sober and on time in the right dress for the wedding.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • melb2013melb2013 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-get-my-moh-to-step-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ebdd24e8-2fec-492c-98c5-e956b207aa8dPost:23a815d7-09a9-4279-8a94-53f19b3907e9">How to get my MOH to step up?</a>:
    [QUOTE]My MOH/cousin/ bff lives out of state about 4 hours away. I realize that she won't be able to help with  some stuff and I don't by any means expect her to come here ever weekend but she's not really stepping up to her duties. She came out here for one dress shopping event and a bridal show and seemed really excited but now as the day is getting closer she seems distant and not excited anymore. I will be having 2 showers in June and when I called and told her the dates  she said she would "try" to make our family one but she's not sure if she can... I understand her not making both showers since she lives so far away but I am not ok with her missing both! Our family one is on a Sunday and she is off on Sundays, but is insisting she would have to take Monday off ( when she goes back to work Monday afternoon) and it might put her into negative time off at work. She has now also hinted to me that I should just plan my own bachlorette party since I live in Chicago and know the area better. Also every time I call to ask her advice or get her opinion she just turns the question back to me asking what I want. How do I get her to help me without getting upset and turning into a bridezilla or worse starting a war?
    Posted by mspookie1108[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Oh sweetie, you are barking up the wrong tree here.  </div><div>
    </div><div>You have a MOH because she is the person you wanted to honor the most by standing next to you on your wedding day.  She by no means has to throw you a bachelorette party, go to showers, go to wedding appointments, or help you with wedding planning at all... in any way.  </div><div>
    </div><div>My MOH kept inviting himself to wedding appointments when we first starting planning and I was more than happy to have him come along.  But then he got transferred to Florida and I've only seen him twice since then.  I completely understand that he can't come up for everything and it never crossed my mind that he should.  He will be there for my wedding day and that's all that matters.</div><div>
    </div><div>There is no polite way of telling your MOH that she needs to do things for you that she does not have to do.  Let it go.

    </div>

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    First Comment
    Simple answer: you don't. The only people responsible for planning your wedding are you and your FI. If other people help, awesome, but it's not a requirement.

    Prewedding parties are not mandatory. YOU should not be planning anything. If no one steps up to throw you a bachelorette or a shower, then you don't get one. It's not the end of the world.

    Also, she's coming long distance for your wedding - coming for other parties beforehand will require even more travel expenses, time off from work, and money. It's perfectly legitimate if she can't do that. 2 of my 6 bridesmaids made my shower - that's it. You know what? I totally understood - they're all long distance and it's hard to make time to get there. The fact that they're all spending vacation time and money to be at my wedding is enough of an honor.
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  • Uberoom12Uberoom12
    First Comment
    The wedding indsutry has gone completely crazy with expectations sometimes. I've been a MOH twice, and once I could afford timewise to be super involved and I did go to dress fittings and cake hunting and flower shoppping and all that. The second time I didn't have the time and the only thing I did was plan the hen night (since I really really really wanted it, I had a TON of ideas for it) but I did do it under a lot of stress and sme serious lack of sleep.

    Neither of my friends asked me to do any of it, in fact, my second friend even told me that she knew I was super busy and that all she wanted was for me to go to the dress shop together since she really didn't have anybody else (single child, parents passed away, that srot of deal) and she wanted me to tell her what date suited me best.

    I'm not saying that's what you should do at all. I'm just putting this here as an example to remind you that your MOH is not you personal assistant and has no duties or obligations other than the ones she personally feels she can and wants to take up on herself.
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  • mspookie1108mspookie1108 member
    First Comment First Anniversary

    ok so I guess I'm not really mad and please don't take me for a spoiled princess here but I just know when he roles are reversed next year I will be there because I will want to be there. I just guess I expected more since we have been best friends our whole lives and I guess more importantly family. Thanks for the advise and I guess I'll try harder to let it go. I have other girls that are willing to be there so thank god for that!

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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-get-my-moh-to-step-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ebdd24e8-2fec-492c-98c5-e956b207aa8dPost:fb884f88-214c-4a9c-aeb7-2b87c083b8e1">Re: How to get my MOH to step up?</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok so I guess I'm not really mad and please don't take me for a spoiled princess here but I just know when he roles are reversed next year I will be there because I will want to be there. <strong>I just guess I expected more since we have been best friends our whole lives and I guess more importantly family. Thanks for the advise and I guess I'll try harder to let it go. I have other girls that are willing to be there so thank god for that!
    </strong>Posted by mspookie1108[/QUOTE]

    And that's your choice to be there for her. She obviously has things happening in her life that prevent her from being as involved as maybe she wants to be. You need to remember that the friendship comes first, not your pretty princess day. But based on what I've bolded, I have the feeling you're going to be very passive-aggressive about this when you see her.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-get-my-moh-to-step-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:ebdd24e8-2fec-492c-98c5-e956b207aa8dPost:0e0b439a-5795-49a9-bb25-fa20a5e94ac8">Re: How to get my MOH to step up?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to get my MOH to step up? : And that's your choice to be there for her. She obviously has things happening in her life that prevent her from being as involved as maybe she wants to be. You need to remember that the friendship comes first, not your pretty princess day. But based on what I've bolded, I have the feeling you're going to be very passive-aggressive about this when you see her.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    Took the words right out of my mouth Ziti!

    You can't base your expectations of your BMs off what you would do for them if roles were reversed.  If you always do this you will constantly be let down in life.

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  • SJM7538SJM7538 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    In Response to Re:How to get my MOH to step up?:[QUOTE]ok so I guess I'm not really mad and please don't take me for a spoiled princess here but I just know when he roles are reversed next year I will be there because I will want to be there. I just guess I expected more since we have been best friends our whole lives and I guess more importantly family. Thanks for the advise and I guess I'll try harder to let it go. I have other girls that are willing to be there so thank god for that! Posted by mspookie1108[/QUOTE]

    I totally get this. My friend got married a few years ago and I was her moh. I planned her bachelorette and paid for it as well as her shower. And helped with tons of wedding related stuff and was happy to do it. 2.5 years later she is a bm in my wedding but can't devote as much time and effort as I did to hers and can't attend me bachelorette. It stinks and she even told me she feels bad but it's fine. I understand that she has a family now and other obligations. As long as she is there with me at the wedding that's all I care about. So I think that's what you need to focus on. It's important she he there for the wedding and that's it
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  • MuppetFanMuppetFan member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    For my first wedding, my best friend was my MOH and she lived pretty far away and I knew that she wouldn't be able to do that much until the wedding day.  I did the dress shopping with my mom. I was elated that she was able to be here for my shower, but she didn't plan it, my mom did.

    Last year, she got married and I was in the wedding, her cousin was MOH. I was still living in CA when she picked out her dresses so while I wanted to participate in that, I couldn't...but her mother, cousin (and actually, my mother too) helped her with that. When I moved back, I helped her with details for the wedding. The other BMs lived far away and didn't participate until the wedding.

    It just is what it is. We should just be happy when they are able to participate in the events leading up to it... and be elated that they are standing beside us on the day of the event because of how meaningful they are to us.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.

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  • MissMollyMissMolly member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Melb, I totally agree!

    I have a friend who planned more of her best friend's wedding (who she was MOH for) than the bride did. MOHs or BPs in general are to be there for the day, sober, in the correct attire, and with a smile. They don't need to throw parties, or go shopping with you, or to appointments. Mine are both OOTers, and the 1 hasn't been there for anything. My MOH happened to be in town for Christmas, and I booked a dress shopping appt for that time, so she was there for 1 event/appointment. That's what your FH is there for: to go cake testing with, sampling reception food, talking to florists, etc. Take him! Or, just enjoy doing these things on your own.


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-get-my-moh-to-step-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ebdd24e8-2fec-492c-98c5-e956b207aa8dPost:25456229-e34e-4696-a8dc-ed6e0c77f321">Re: How to get my MOH to step up?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to How to get my MOH to step up? : Oh sweetie, you are barking up the wrong tree here.   You have a MOH because she is the person you wanted to honor the most by standing next to you on your wedding day.  She by no means has to throw you a bachelorette party, go to showers, go to wedding appointments, or help you with wedding planning at all... in any way.   My MOH kept inviting himself to wedding appointments when we first starting planning and I was more than happy to have him come along.  But then he got transferred to Florida and I've only seen him twice since then.  I completely understand that he can't come up for everything and it never crossed my mind that he should.  He will be there for my wedding day and that's all that matters. There is no polite way of telling your MOH that she needs to do things for you that she does not have to do.  Let it go.
    Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]
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  • MissMollyMissMolly member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Ditto, my sister-MOH is really excited about planning the shower/stagette weekend (both are the same day, as both girls are from out of town). I've told her, my other BM and my Mom that these parties really don't need to be planned, and I've said it more than once. Sis is super-stoked, and I've offered to help in any way I can with anything needing to be done. My other BM is a pediatric resident and may not be able to come to the shower/stagette. She's bummed, and while I would love to have her there, I totally understand. Her patients are <em>way</em> more important than a party!


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_how-to-get-my-moh-to-step-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:ebdd24e8-2fec-492c-98c5-e956b207aa8dPost:7c9f6c1b-8616-428d-a044-1a2eb3dc86e6">Re: How to get my MOH to step up?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Simple answer: you don't. The only people responsible for planning your wedding are you and your FI. If other people help, awesome, but it's not a requirement. Prewedding parties are not mandatory. YOU should not be planning anything. If no one steps up to throw you a bachelorette or a shower, then you don't get one. It's not the end of the world. Also, she's coming long distance for your wedding - coming for other parties beforehand will require even more travel expenses, time off from work, and money. It's perfectly legitimate if she can't do that. 2 of my 6 bridesmaids made my shower - that's it. You know what? I totally understood - they're all long distance and it's hard to make time to get there. The fact that they're all spending vacation time and money to be at my wedding is enough of an honor.
    Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]
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