STAG and shower and Bridal shower??

moween86 · January 2012

So my fiance and I are paying for ou own wedding we are going to have a Stag and Shower to help raise money STRICTLY to pay for the wedding and nothing else.. My question to everyone is.. Does this mean no Bridal Shower?? some people say its to bold have both..I honestly do not know what to think.. I have not been involved in alot of these things.. I dont want to sound like im asking for too much but from what I understand you invite any and every body to the Stag and just close family/friends to the bridal shower..

ElisabethJoanne · January 2012

You're hosting some sort of "party" and charging admission, at a profit, to pay for your wedding?

And people hate ME on the Etiquette board.

You can't charge people to come to your party, whether it's just-because, or a birthday, or a wedding. If you can't afford a wedding, elope for the cost of a marriage license. If you've got an extra $200 beyond that, you can have a cake-and-punch reception for less than $2/person.

You can't host your own shower, either. If you are having a "regular" wedding, even a wedding with the cake-and-punch reception I describe, someone can host a shower for you. The hostess (usually a bridesmaid or family member from either side these days) sets the guest count. Only people invited to the wedding can be invited to the shower, up to all the female guests invited to the wedding, but usually far fewer than that.

Simply Fated · January 2012

It's your wedding, you pay for it! You shouldn't charge admission to another party just because you want your pretty princess day. Face reality and host what you can afford. You're not a charity case.

MyNameIsNot · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_stag-shower-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:09ec19bc-6acf-477a-9fc0-1252ba97b741Post:dbf6c50e-90c0-4307-97a9-ad38427f8436">STAG and shower and Bridal shower??</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance and I are paying for ou own wedding we are going to have a Stag and Shower to help raise money STRICTLY to pay for the wedding and nothing else.. My question to everyone is.. Does this mean no Bridal Shower?? some people say its to bold have both..I honestly do not know what to think.. I have not been involved in alot of these things.. I dont want to sound like im asking for too much but from what I understand you invite any and every body to the Stag and just close family/friends to the bridal shower..
Posted by moween86[/QUOTE]

<div>A fund raiser to pay for your wedding? Really? That may be the rudest thing I've ever heard. </div><div>
</div><div>Pay for your wedding with what you can save yourselves. </div>

[Deleted User] · January 2012

I guess I am slow, but what is a STAG?? And OMG! I would NEVER even THINK to do what you are doing! OMG that is soooo tacky! I can't believe you even thought to do this. Who gave you such an idea?? A party to STRICTLY RAISE money for your wedding?? Are you serious?? This is a joke right??? We are also paying for our own wedding. We also have the added expense of 3 children 10, 8, & 3 yrs old to take care of. I would NEVER even think to do such a thing. Wow. I am just in shock. Just WOW!!

dplett · January 2012

Actually in my area it is common to have a 'wedding social' before your wedding. I am not having one because I am personally not into the social scene. Basically dancing, lots of alcohol, some silent auction, food etc. The way it works is that if people want to come they buy tickets and I think they also buy their alcohol at the social. Its not at all mandatory for guests to attend, a lot of people really enjoy them because they like to party and would be out doing something and spending money anyway. The planning is done by the couple and they get the profits. I don't see this as money grabbing because it is extremely common and very accepted in the area where I live. As far as the shower thing goes I think it is acceptable to have a shower as well but that is also because showers are done differently here. Generally friends or family (not parents, usually cousins or aunts etc.) or bridesmaids throw showers for the bride. It is their choice to throw it and it is not a large party usually. So most brides get several small showers instead of having one big one that they invite everyone too. I guess its all a little different here.

[Deleted User] · January 2012

Is that what a STAG is?? A "social"? Sorry, I am still with pps. If you cannot afford your wedding, cut back & make it smaller.

ElisabethJoanne · January 2012

hmmm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stag_and_doe

With Amy Vanderbilt, I'm usually of the opinion that local custom trumps national or international "rules," but in today's cosmopolitan society, I'm not sure that still works with things that might give serious offense, like charging a fee for a social event. Will everyone invited be familiar with the custom? Do they all like it?

Showers, barn raisings, help-us-move-we'll-order-pizza...There are lots of instances where we still OK parties among close friends and family with a presumption guests must bring a gift or provide labor.

I once attended a party with an admission price, for a friend who was raising money to pay off his student loans and become a monk. I was happy to come, as was everyone there. But it was a close circle of devout friends, and I agree it's not strictly OK etiquette-wise. But you don't always have to follow the rules very closely if the friends involved are very close.

This stag party seems similar. What's described is unusual in that it involves cash and is so tightly regional. So, again, Will everyone invited be familiar with the custom? Do they all like it? This might be outside the bounds of international etiquette discussed on theknot, closer to asking, "Is it OK to open Christmas presents in my pajamas at my parents' house?" Etiquette says you can't attend a social event in your pajamas, but etiquette doesn't extend to family custom, and it barely touches precise regional customs among a close circle of friends.

acaponi87 · January 2012

I've heard of stags/socials..I know they are common (and loved) in several areas...if that's the case with your area, cool.

I'd probably ask someone in your area who you know has had one. If you are uncomfortable with having both a social and a bridal shower (which it sounds like you may be) then I would say choose one or the other.

Simply Fated · February 2012

Traditions shouldn't be done for tradition sake. It should be done because it's a tradition you like and want to do. Charging your guests admission to a party to help raise money for another party isn't something anyone should want to actually do, KWIM?

Madisonpenny · February 2012

It's common in my area as well to have a stag, but the B&G don't host it. Someone from the WP usually does and then once all costs have been covered (rentals, venue fee, etc.) then the rest of the money is given to the future B&G.
The same goes with bridal showers, you don't host your own, usually a family meber or someone in the WP host this as well, and I'm hoping your not charging a fee for this.
I agree with PPs, don't have a party in hopes to get enough money to pay for your wedding.

MyNameIsNot · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_stag-shower-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:09ec19bc-6acf-477a-9fc0-1252ba97b741Post:a091d146-953e-44fe-ac82-fb5b6b6194ac">Re: STAG and shower and Bridal shower??</a>:
[QUOTE]Is that what a STAG is?? A "social"?
Posted by cvmami78[/QUOTE]

<div>Typically, no. A stag or stagette is usually another name for a bachelor or bachelorette party. </div>

jashleya · February 2012

This could be the most rational response I've ever heard on the Knot.

toothpastechica · February 2012

A stag or stagette here is another name for a bachlor/ette party.

RebeccaB88 · February 2012

I can't for the life of me figure out how shaking down your friends for money to pay for something that's not their responsibility to pay for, became an accepted tradition anywhere. Regardless if it's common, it's still RUDE. Tacky. In appallingly poor taste. And it's even worse for throwing it for YOURSELF. There's nothing wrong with having a party, but everything wrong with a fundraiser for yourself.

If no one has offered to gift you funds to help with expenses (and no one has to), then get yourselves second jobs and pay for the damn thing yourself. Or elope. Or wait until you've saved up enough. Or scale drastically back. Don't go begging other people to do it for you.

Lots of things people do all the time are rude. That doesn't make them right.

moween86 · February 2012

Wow, these repsonses are extremely rude and presumptious, we are not hosting either nor was the initial party either of our ideas, but rather the ideas our parent and friends all collaborated on. Up until that point my fiance and i had never heard of it either... But upon talking to good friends and family members it seems like this was an accepted event amongst all of them. Making the assumptions that we are tacky and that we cannot afford our wedding is alittle out of line in my opinion. This site as far i as thought was about helping people plan and understand the makings of a wedding not to attack someone if they are doing something you don't agree with.

As to the admission, yes it is to offset the cost of actually having the stag and shower as we are supplying everything the venue the dj the food and the drinks.

It's funny that people make mention of being rude..... Really..

Simply Fated · February 2012

It doesn't matter who is throwing it. You're having a fundraiser for your wedding. That's ridiculous.
Who cares if your family wants you to have one... what matters is that you want it and that means you're okay with this fundraiser.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_stag-shower-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:09ec19bc-6acf-477a-9fc0-1252ba97b741Post:7065184d-0115-44ea-a635-ce23fb3a0448">Re: STAG and shower and Bridal shower??</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, these repsonses are extremely rude and presumptious, we are not hosting either nor was the initial party either of our ideas, but rather the ideas our parent and friends all collaborated on. Up until that point my fiance and i had never heard of it either... But upon talking to good friends and family members it seems like this was an accepted event amongst all of them. Making the assumptions that we are tacky and that we cannot afford our wedding is alittle out of line in my opinion. This site as far i as thought was about helping people plan and understand the makings of a wedding not to attack someone if they are doing something you don't agree with. Posted by moween86[/QUOTE]

I totally agree! Many people on here come accross rude- it's not what you say, but how you say it (write it)! :)

moween86 · February 2012

The main problem with that I really have with this is the fact that people make the assumption that others are preying on family and friend's for their own gain.... We never said we could not afford to host our own anything... In fact our parents really aren't able to give us any contribution, we both work 40+ hours a week and can afford to do this on our own.... As i said, we really never thought of doing anything of this sort, the idea was brought up in talking because this kind of thing happens all the time in this area. Maybe it isnt acceptable and... nothing has yet to be set in stone everyone that is involved up to this point thought that it was a great idea, which is why we never thought twice. Believe me when I say that we are far from terrible and needy people and we don't want anyone to pay for our wedding aside from ourselves... We have never viewed this as a fundraiser for anything, more as a get together where people that haven't met and seen each other get that oppurtunity.

MyNameIsNot · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_stag-shower-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:09ec19bc-6acf-477a-9fc0-1252ba97b741Post:7065184d-0115-44ea-a635-ce23fb3a0448">Re: STAG and shower and Bridal shower??</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Wow, these repsonses are extremely rude and presumptious,</strong> we are not hosting either nor was the initial party either of our ideas, but rather the ideas our parent and friends all collaborated on. Up until that point my fiance and i had never heard of it either... But upon talking to good friends and family members it seems like this was an accepted event amongst all of them. Making the assumptions that we are tacky and that we cannot afford our wedding is alittle out of line in my opinion. This site as far i as thought was about helping people plan and understand the makings of a wedding not to attack someone if they are doing something you don't agree with. As to the admission, yes it is to offset the cost of actually having the stag and shower as we are supplying everything the venue the dj the food and the drinks. It's funny that people make mention of being rude..... Really..
Posted by moween86[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, a fundraiser to pay for your wedding is rude and presumptuous. </div><div>
</div><div>If you can afford the wedding, pay for it. If you can't, save until you can. But asking other people to pay for it like you are some kind of charity is pretty low. If you can't see what's wrong with that, you have issues.

</div>

MrsMack10612 · February 2012

I haven't read all the responses yet - but I will say I'm hearing more and more that these types of events are gaining popularity in the Boston area.

I don't agree with them and think they are beyond tacky.

As distasteful as they are to me (and most of the posters here) they are becoming a locally, normal and accepted thing.

ETA: I also think it's an age/generational thing too. I am well over 30

and none of my friends do/did these things. It seems to be all the rage with the under 30 set.

Simply Fated · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_stag-shower-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:09ec19bc-6acf-477a-9fc0-1252ba97b741Post:92f188d4-ddda-4491-8264-571a13ce8abd">Re: STAG and shower and Bridal shower??</a>:
[QUOTE]The main problem with that I really have with this is the fact that people make the assumption that others are preying on family and friend's for their own gain.... We never said we could not afford to host our own anything... In fact our parents really aren't able to give us any contribution, we both work 40+ hours a week and can afford to do this on our own.... As i said, we really never thought of doing anything of this sort, the idea was brought up in talking because this kind of thing happens all the time in this area. Maybe it isnt acceptable and... nothing has yet to be set in stone everyone that is involved up to this point thought that it was a great idea, which is why we never thought twice. Believe me when I say that we are far from terrible and needy people and we don't want anyone to pay for our wedding aside from ourselves... We have never viewed this as a fundraiser for anything, more as a get together where people that haven't met and seen each other get that oppurtunity.
Posted by moween86[/QUOTE]
If you can afford your own wedding then why are you having a fundraiser for it?

If you want to spend more time with your family and friends and meet new people, that's gerat! However, the question still remains, why are you charging them?

daniellelea1985 · February 2012

I don't think people here are trying to be rude to you on this topic... it's more like they are trying to blare a huge horn and flash a big red light the size of the sun.

You asked for advice and they are telling you...in a very big way... that it's a bad idea.

Don't take their comments too personally, but do take the advice.

drevlow · February 2012

These responses are BEYOND RUDE! This site is to give people advice and to help them out, not to attack them and make them feel bad. If this was my question I would probably be crying over these responses! People need to think about others before you start calling names and such. She didn't say that she was having a FUNDRAISER! My fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves as well and it is very stressful trying to figure out where and how you are going to come up with the money. I would just go along and have a bridal shower along with bachlorette party and maybe even an engagement party and not "Ask" for money, people will more than likely give you money. You could maybe not register anywhere that way they will be more likely to give you money instead of buying you a gift, remember most people will probably put money in their wedding card too. When is your wedding? My fiance and I had planned ours for at least a year out to give us plenty of time to save up. I hope this helped a little.

basoder · May 2013

In Response to STAG and shower and Bridal shower??:
Wow - screw all these people. People buy you a shower gift, correct? Also, they also bring a card to the wedding with money, correct? So how the F is having a "shower" asking for money gifts rude? All you are doing is taking the hassle out of actually looking for and buying the gift. Boom, pick a money amount, done. I plan on having a Jack n Jill shower but no bridal shower. We have a honeyfund.com account as a registry. It asks for monetary amounts to help pay for our wedding. Jack n Jill attendees will have that information as our registry.

Tight ettiqette butts around here, dang

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