Bridezilla or MomZilla?

alina_mac · May 2010

I'll keep this as short as I can manage.

I'm from a really small family so I very much wanted a small wedding.

FMIL is paying for the majority of it.

The wedding is in FI's (and FMIL's) hometown in his church in his religion (of which I do not belong.)

FI and FMIL invited everyone in their family, even the ppl the FI had originally protested because he doesn't know who they are.

Out of 165 people (including plus ones) on the guestlist, 75% are from his family. Realistically, only 8 people are going to show up for me alone that aren't mutual friends of ours.

FMIL offered to send out the invitations. I know she's sneaked invitations before at FI's brother's wedding but I had told her how apprehensive I am of the big wedding and so many people. I needed the help so I let her do it.

It turns out that she took the extra invitations and mailed them to coworkers, a total of 20 extra people (including plus ones), without telling us.

I flipped out. I feel like I've been quite accomodating and I finally got comfortable with the guestlist as big as it was. She knew my concerns and worries and still thought "it wouldn't be a big deal." Yes, she is paying for the majority (not all) of the wedding, but we still have a very well-defined budget where we all run out of money. Now I have to cut corners to get the things I want. (And I've been pretty damn crafty and thrifty up to this point!)

Am I being an ungrateful bridezilla or is she being a MomZilla? All of our feelings are hurt and I don't know how to fix this in less than two months!

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

If she's paying, she gets to call the shots. That's just the way it works. If the money she's contributed isn't enough to pay for the extra people, then you can tell her, "FMIL, the budget that we already settled on can only accommodate X number of people. Anything beyond that is going to be $Y per person, and FI and I don't have that kind of money right now." Of course, if she's already sent the invitations, you can't exactly take that back, and you'll just have to cross your fingers for a lot of declines.

People from big families marry people from little families all the time, the sides don't have to be even. And again, if his mother is paying for most of it, then she has the right to set a guest list as lopsided as she chooses.

Where is your FI in all of this? You said you wanted a small wedding and his mother wants a big one; what does he want? If he's with you in wanting to keep it small, then he should be supporting you and standing up to his mother. If he agrees with his mother about how the wedding should be, then you're going to have to accept that compromise is part of marriage.

trix1223 · May 2010

Ditto aerin: OP, if you want a small wedding, pay for it yourself. You said FMIL is paying for the majority of the wedding. She gets a say in how her money is spent, whether you like it or not.

FWIW: My friend's son married a girl from a tiny family. My friend's family is enormous. The wedding had about 150 guests. Literally, THREE, that's right, THREE were from the bride's side. 147 were from the groom's side. It was fine.

frenchy730 · May 2010

Sorry, but PPs are correct. If your FMIL is paying for a majority of the wedding (esp. venue, catering, etc) then she can invite whomever she would like to be there on her dime. It is unfortunate that you are uncomfortable with it. You mentioned that 8 people would be there "for you" Is this troubeling to you? would you like to be able to invite more of your friends? You can potentially bring this up with her and work something out.

misschase3 · May 2010

I feel soooo sorrry for you! It must really suck to have to deal with that. But it is true that when someone forks the bill, then they have the right to make decisions. You stated you wanted a small wedding. How many more guests did you want? (other than the 8?) Talk to her. I am sure yall can work something out.

JennaV26 · May 2010

The situation sucks but that's what happens when someone else pays. It's a double edged sword my friend!

lharri12 · May 2010

a little from column A, a little from column B

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I'm sorry, but I agree with pp's. If she is paying she has say so in who gets invited, etc. While she should take your considerations into account, its not saying she will. Everything will be just fine. Let it be. Some things are just not worth arguing over.

Whippet8 · May 2010

I agree, since she's paying, she can really do what she wants with it.

Sure, she should take into consideration what you (and your FI) want, but she's not required to.

What does your FI think about this? Does he want a bigger wedding? It doesnt seem like he's fighting this too much, based on what you've said.

CarlyGal · May 2010

I agree with the bride on this one. It's your wedding and you should be able to have a say in what happens. The mother of the fiance gets to have some say since she's footing the bill but adding extra guests without your permission is completely unacceptable. Afterall, without a bride there is no wedding. You'll need to pick your battles with this soon to be mother-in-law but if this is really important to you then I say put your foot down!

pinkpenguinlady · May 2010

WAIT A COTTON PICKIN MINUTE!!!
No way do I agree SHE gets to call the shots...home girl HAD her wedding!!! THIS IS YOUR wedding...If she is paying and wants those "ex tras " to attend the reception....that is one thing, the wedding is YOUR and your man's day... If you are uncomfortable with that many people watching you, then she should comprimise and invite to reception....

Whippet8 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridezilla-momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02e55ba2-ca60-4a96-82a3-da17a6ef2e0aPost:de0f1afc-5710-42b9-bb07-d09ec81c11d2">Re: Bridezilla or MomZilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]WAIT A COTTON PICKIN MINUTE!!! No way do I agree SHE gets to call the shots...home girl HAD her wedding!!! THIS IS YOUR wedding...If she is paying and wants those "ex tras " to attend the reception....that is one thing, the wedding is YOUR and your man's day... If you are uncomfortable with that many people watching you, then she should comprimise and invite to reception....
Posted by pinkpenguinlady[/QUOTE]

what everyone is saying is that money comes with strings attached, whatever that may be. If she doesn't like those strings, then she has to pay for the wedding herself.

I, at least (I don't want to speak for others), am not saying that it is ok for her FMIL to do this. I'd freak out too.

If you don't like it, turn down the money. plain and simple.

suz62984 · May 2010

Well i'm on your side about having the wedding you want; however with money comes control (aka strings). Yes it is your wedding but it's her money and to some people that means they get to control everything. If you really want to have the wedding you want than you should plan things on your own, keep her out of the loop, and pay for it yourself. You could also tell her that you have extra people that would like to invite that you can't because she invited her coworkers. Tell her she will now need to foot the additional bill for the coworkers so that you can invite you and FI's guests.

Also, this is your FI's mother. I hope he is battling along side of you...preferably ahead of you. If he is sitting in the background he needs to step up and tell his mom that this isn't her wedding and she needs to work with you and respect both of your ideas and decisions. All of this coming from just you will make you look like a biotch even though you aren't.

filaw · May 2010

I'm with the bride on this one. It is completely unacceptable for the *anyone* (FMIL, FI, the Bride, etc) to be changing the previously agreed upon guestlist behind everyone else's backs, regardless of who is footing the bill.

The OP here seems to clearly understand that money comes with strings attached, but I find it totally understandable that she did not expect that her FMIL would take so little of what she (and presumably her FI) want from their wedding day into account. That's like someone saying let me buy you a present and then insisting on not paying an ounce of attention to the person's tastes when buying it. Sure it's technically "okay" but it's certainly unexpected, and with weddings, where you hopefully are only gonna get one, it can be very disappointing.

As for saying that she shouldn't take the money if she doesn't want the strings, well hind sight is 20-20. It's all very well for her to know *now* that there would be too many strings and her FMIL would ignore her every opinion, but (I'm assuming) there's already many booked vendors and committed plans. Loosing the major portion of the money intended to fund a wedding (that big) at this point is probably not an option.

I completely sympathize. I don't know what to tell you. People get crazy around weddings (chalk it up to a crazy emotional time) and I think a lot of brides are caught completely unprepared to cope with outlandish, out of character behavior from loved ones who up until wedding planning had been completely rational and considerate.

tommyandy · May 2010

What filaw said. Unfortunately, it seems as if your MIL wants it all her way because she's older than you & knows better.(sarcasm) Don't be surprised if she gets the two of you a gift off registry too. Speaking of which, go add some more stuff so the extra 40 people have something to choose from. She should pay for every single thing the extra people she invited will need. I'm assuming 20 invites = 40 people. Which means at least 4 more tables of 10, 4 more centerpieces, 10 more bottles of wine or champagne, 40 entrees, 40 menu cards, 40 escort cards, 40 place cards, 40 more thank you cards with 40 more stamps, 3 or 4 waiters, etc. I would be royally pissed & your FI should be too.

Maureen679 · May 2010

I would be upset, it is your day and should be what you envisioned. however since she is paying all of this should have been discussed prior, if it was and she is going against it FI should step in. We are paying for our wedding, no extra help, we told both families to give their dream guest list. Then we went back and said cut it down to X number of people. FMIL is still trying to get in her extra people however, my money my decision.

SarahM2012 · May 2010

Ditto what filaw and tommyandy said. I would be livid. I know money comes with strings but it was rude for her to go behind your back esp if y'all had already agreed on a budget. Good luck.

jsbt2014 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_bridezilla-momzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02e55ba2-ca60-4a96-82a3-da17a6ef2e0aPost:34b49ca9-c207-4309-b6c6-f21369e2263a">Re: Bridezilla or MomZilla?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with the bride on this one. It is completely unacceptable for the *anyone* (FMIL, FI, the Bride, etc) to be changing the previously agreed upon guestlist behind everyone else's backs, regardless of who is footing the bill. The OP here seems to clearly understand that money comes with strings attached, but I find it totally understandable that she did not expect that her FMIL would take so little of what she (and presumably her FI) want from their wedding day into account. That's like someone saying let me buy you a present and then insisting on not paying an ounce of attention to the person's tastes when buying it. Sure it's technically "okay" but it's certainly unexpected, and with weddings, where you hopefully are only gonna get one, it can be very disappointing. As for saying that she shouldn't take the money if she doesn't want the strings, well hind sight is 20-20. It's all very well for her to know *now* that there would be too many strings and her FMIL would ignore her every opinion, but (I'm assuming) there's already many booked vendors and committed plans. Loosing the major portion of the money intended to fund a wedding (that big) at this point is probably not an option. I completely sympathize. I don't know what to tell you. People get crazy around weddings (chalk it up to a crazy emotional time) and I think a lot of brides are caught completely unprepared to cope with outlandish, out of character behavior from loved ones who up until wedding planning had been completely rational and considerate.
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]

This.

Unfortunately, invitations have gone out, so really, aside from being angry with FMIL (which really doesn't do anyone any good), there's nothing that can be done about the size. Although it's her money, she should definitely have been more considerate of your feelings. Afterall, it is YOUR day. I don't think you're being a bridezilla from what you've told us, but, if it were me, I would just allow myself to have fun enjoy my wedding day, whether it's exactly the way I wanted it to be or not.

526SadieSadie · May 2010

FMIL is paying, she gets final say. If you wanted control and a small wedding, you could have paid for it yourself. By accepting her monetary support, you relinquished a certain amount of control.

poolkat78 · May 2010

I agree that with $$ comes strings (that's why my Fiance and I are paying 100% of our wedding for almost 250 guests)
I had a strict rule that if i haven't seen you in over 2 yrs, or you haven't met my Fiance, then there was no invite. No way no how was i going to get married in front of people i don't know (yes i realize that there will be a few "dates" accompanying some friends, but no 3rd cousins, or 2nd generation aunts etc.)

What i do not agree with is the fact that she practically forced you into having a large wedding, and then went behind your back and invited even more people. That to me is selfish and VERY disrespectful to you and your Fiance. No matter who is paying, that should not have happened.

Best of luck though and you'll get through it. Just keep telling yourself that you are marrying the man of your dreams and you'll make it just fine - i'm sure of it

AliandDan2010 · June 2010

I wouldn't call you a bridezilla- however if she is forking the dough the big day so she can invite whoever she wants. My Mom is doing the same (granted my Mom will say she is a Momzilla) I'm laid back so I appreciate it now as the big day gets closer. Try and remember that in all of this she's excited and wants the world to know it.

blulady48 · June 2010

a little bridezilla and a little more momzilla it is your wedding and you should, as nicely as you can, explain the extras cost the same money as the ones on the guest list--the overall count is what counts. Maybe she thinks YOU or your FH want the big reception (think presents) try to talk to her calmly and somewhere you both are comfortable take her to lunch that may be a good suggestion to discuss these issues she won't be so likely to be mad (in public thing)

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