Another head table ?

walgrrl · May 2013

Hi all,
The post about the head table had me thinking about a question I had. We are not 100% decided, but we are leaning toward doing a head table. It will be us, WP, plus WP,s SOs/dates. One of my bridesmaids can't bring her husband since he will be deployed, but she's bringing her mom in his place, mainly to have someone to help watch her two young kids. Does that mean her mom and her kids should sit at the head table with us? Her mom is technically not her SO/date, but she is coming as her guest. I want to do the right thing and not make anyone uncomfortable.

walgrrl · May 2013

That makes sense. That's why I asked. Thanks :-)

lifesad4nce · May 2013

NYU, did you mean having kids at a head table? I assume you'd put kids at a wedding table during dinner, where else would you put them?

And, if you think the two little ones will be a handful, maybe a sweetheart table is a better idea and the bridesmaid and her mom and her little ones with others that she knows well? If I'm not friends with the other bridesmaids, head tables are kind of boring.

walgrrl · May 2013

The kids are very good. I don't think they'll bother anyone. Plus, like Liatris said, they will probably be in between their mom and grandma

Summer2011Bride · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Like I said, I would put kids at a table with either other parents and their kids, or relatives of their kids. Why bother with seats if you think no one will sitting, I do assume people will eat their dinner sitting down.
To me, its about comfort of all guests, not just those with kids. You don't put elderly people right next to the band. You do not assume kids will behave or that childless people will like kids. And god forbid, you are allowing some kids but not others, do not put kids next to people who were not allowed to bring their own kids, unless you are certain they are OK with that.

But by that logic, why can you assume they WON'T behave? I have been at weddings where the drunk adults were far more obnoxious than any child was, and this is coming from someone who is not a huge kid fan, nor do I want children of my own.

The argument about having to allow all children makes no sense. Only children in the WP should sit at the WP table, obviously (or those who are children of WP members). That's a pretty crystal clear cut-off. And if you are talking about just regular tables, that doesn't make sense either. If a guest really wants to get miffed that their child was not invited but someone else's was, they don't have to be at the same table to notice other children are present.

lyndausvi · May 2013

DH and I sat at the kids table at our wedding. 7 of them (ages 6-13) and 2 of us. Parents were at the next table over.

True story.

Would I suggest this to everyone? No, but not all kids are heathens who can not sit at a dinner table without causing trouble.

OP I would ask the mom what she would prefer. She might think she is "obligated" to sit at the HT because of tradition. However, she more than likely would prefer to be with her mom and kids.

MoonlightSilver · May 2013

Ditto asking your bridesmaid what she wants. She might want to sit at head table alone; she might want to sit at a guest table with her mom and kids.

lyndausvi · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Moon, I agree, but some of the PP are suggesting that mom, grandma and the kids all sit with the wedding party. I do not think that kids should ever be seated at a table with unrelated adults without kids, unless bride is absolutely, positively certain they are OK with it. It is not just about whether the kids are well-behaved, but also that guests who are not bringing kids should be able to have an adult meal.

That is just ridiculous. You are acting like this woman is going to put her BM at some random table to just annoy other guests. Geez. Give her some credit.

A proper host is on her own going to sit people with others they know and like. That might be family it might be friends. As non-kid couple I would find it weird if my friend didn't place us with our BFF's just because they are with their kids. We enjoy the company of our friends at restaurants, even with their kids around.

On another note, Just because there are kids are at the table does not mean the table becomes Romper Room. There are parents who still their kids to have manners. Or at least my family and friends do.

lyndausvi · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Lias, then you would fall under the category of people the bride is comfortable about putting with kids. Others may not feel the same.

Well a good host is going to put ALL their guests at a table with others they are comfortable with. It doesn't matter if you are talking about kids or not. So there really isn't a need to call out kids.

lyndausvi · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Lyn, I do not disagree with you, but the question on this thread was about seating kids at a head table. I agree, you should be concerned about how everyone is are seated. The Head Table, in this case, will include B/G, MOH, Best Man, and at least two bridesmaids. Add in SOs, as OP states, so we are likely up to at least 10 people, without the two kids. If more attendants than I have noted, even bigger. That is a lot of people who may be expecting an adult dinner. Is bride certain they are all good with kids at the table? Are no others bringing kids? If others have kids, I think Head Table is now getting very large.

Considering head tables in itself does not take into consideration the feelings of the WP, I don't think kids being there or not is an issue. (although the OP is at least considerate of sitting the SO's which is nice).

I say that because given a choice I bet most WP members would prefer to sit with other people than the OOT BM they only know because they happen to be in the same wedding or something similar.

I think the possibility of having to sit with kids at the head table is just part of the territory when you are in a WP and the couple insists on have a HT.

walgrrl · May 2013

So, my choices are:

a) have a head table and have BM sit there, but put her mom and her 2 kids (her son is the RB, by the way) at a guest table

b) have a head table and have BM, her mom, and her 2 kids all sit at the head table

or,
c) have a sweetheart table so I don't have to worry about all this crap

after hearing everyone's opinions, I'm starting to lean toward option c, but if I do have a head table, I think I will just ask my BM what she prefers. I've never heard of kids not being allowed to sit by other adults that aren't related to them. Even if we do a sweetheart table, I'm still going to sit my BM near our other mutual friends even though (gasp!) they don't all have kids. I'm sorry, I'm not going to seat her at a table where she doesn't know anyone just so I can seat her near other people who have kids.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

OP I think your best option would be to speak with your friend and see what she would be most comfortable with. And then do that. Remember no matter where you put people they will only be sitting there for maybe an hour and then after that they will be up, mingling and dancing. So do your best to sit people with who they know and like but don't over stress about it. Most people can be adult enough to make polite conversation and deal with whoever they are sitting with, including any kids at the table.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Lias, the people with kids will have by definition, their SO and the kids. They will not be alone. If the bride can not figure out how to sit people with kids (either with relatives, someone the couple knows who likes the kids, etc), maybe she should have thought harder about allowing kids at wedding. I can understand why some people limit kids to immediate family, there will be relatives there to give more flexibity.

OMG they are children, not lepers! Really, adults can't figure out how to enjoy themselves and survive a dinner where children might be present?

And full disclosure- I choose not to have my own children, but I don't abhor their very existence, or try to avoid them at all costs, lol!

Kate61487 · June 2013

cmsciulli said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Lias, the people with kids will have by definition, their SO and the kids. They will not be alone. If the bride can not figure out how to sit people with kids (either with relatives, someone the couple knows who likes the kids, etc), maybe she should have thought harder about allowing kids at wedding. I can understand why some people limit kids to immediate family, there will be relatives there to give more flexibity.

OMG they are children, not lepers! Really, adults can't figure out how to enjoy themselves and survive a dinner where children might be present?

And full disclosure- I choose not to have my own children, but I don't abhor their very existence, or try to avoid them at all costs, lol!

This is what I'm thinking. I didn't think twice about where we sat the kids at our wedding (and there were a lot of them). They sat with their parents and who I thought their parents would like to sit by. When we had uneven tables and I was combining groups who didn't know each other yes, I put people with kids together - but honestly that was more that they had something in common, just like any other group I needed to combine.

OP - a sweetheart table sounds like a good idea just b/c that's a lot of people, but I wouldn't think twice about putting the kids at the HT, especially since the little boy is your RB so it's totally natural that he would be there anyway

walgrrl · June 2013

So, I just talked to my friend and this was her exact response:

"They don't have to all sit at the head table. Whatever works out best for you. We are flexible with whatever you want to do. They're good kids and my mom won't mind either way!"

Oy! I really appreciate that she is trying to be so nice and accommodating, but I really wish she would have given me her true preference.
What do you guys think?

HuckSC · June 2013

OP maybe this is an instance of looking at the people are coming and see how you could arrange things. See what works best with your numbers, and then do a final check with the mom. i.e. looks like y'all will be sitting at _____. Does this still work for g-mom and the kids? Great! Thanks! Can't wait to see you.

TKzilla · June 2013

People with kids =/= people with stuff in common.

TKzilla · June 2013

Kate61487 said:

cmsciulli said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Lias, the people with kids will have by definition, their SO and the kids. They will not be alone. If the bride can not figure out how to sit people with kids (either with relatives, someone the couple knows who likes the kids, etc), maybe she should have thought harder about allowing kids at wedding. I can understand why some people limit kids to immediate family, there will be relatives there to give more flexibity.

OMG they are children, not lepers! Really, adults can't figure out how to enjoy themselves and survive a dinner where children might be present?

And full disclosure- I choose not to have my own children, but I don't abhor their very existence, or try to avoid them at all costs, lol!

This is what I'm thinking. I didn't think twice about where we sat the kids at our wedding (and there were a lot of them). They sat with their parents and who I thought their parents would like to sit by. When we had uneven tables and I was combining groups who didn't know each other yes, I put people with kids together - but honestly that was more that they had something in common, just like any other group I needed to combine.
OP - a sweetheart table sounds like a good idea just b/c that's a lot of people, but I wouldn't think twice about putting the kids at the HT, especially since the little boy is your RB so it's totally natural that he would be there anyway

That's what I was saying. Just because Couple A has reproduced and Couple B has reproduced does not mean they have "something in common" worthy of seating them together. It's not like there's a secret handshake they teach you in the hospital before they hand over the baby. The people with kids aren't deciding everything. OP, the bride, the organizer of the event, is deciding. If a person can't stand to sit next to children for the duration of dinner, that's their problem. One of the children is also a member of the wedding party. He should be allowed to sit with his mother (and their family) at the head table. If the children misbehave, the parents will handle it. It's no one's problem but the mother's and grandmother's.

Kate61487 · June 2013

CourtaniaLynn said:

Kate61487 said:

cmsciulli said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Lias, the people with kids will have by definition, their SO and the kids. They will not be alone. If the bride can not figure out how to sit people with kids (either with relatives, someone the couple knows who likes the kids, etc), maybe she should have thought harder about allowing kids at wedding. I can understand why some people limit kids to immediate family, there will be relatives there to give more flexibity.

OMG they are children, not lepers! Really, adults can't figure out how to enjoy themselves and survive a dinner where children might be present?

And full disclosure- I choose not to have my own children, but I don't abhor their very existence, or try to avoid them at all costs, lol!

This is what I'm thinking. I didn't think twice about where we sat the kids at our wedding (and there were a lot of them). They sat with their parents and who I thought their parents would like to sit by. When we had uneven tables and I was combining groups who didn't know each other yes, I put people with kids together - but honestly that was more that they had something in common, just like any other group I needed to combine.
OP - a sweetheart table sounds like a good idea just b/c that's a lot of people, but I wouldn't think twice about putting the kids at the HT, especially since the little boy is your RB so it's totally natural that he would be there anyway

That's what I was saying. Just because Couple A has reproduced and Couple B has reproduced does not mean they have "something in common" worthy of seating them together. It's not like there's a secret handshake they teach you in the hospital before they hand over the baby. The people with kids aren't deciding everything. OP, the bride, the organizer of the event, is deciding. If a person can't stand to sit next to children for the duration of dinner, that's their problem. One of the children is also a member of the wedding party. He should be allowed to sit with his mother (and their family) at the head table. If the children misbehave, the parents will handle it. It's no one's problem but the mother's and grandmother's.

My cousin on my dad's side with two kids and my cousin on my mom's side with one kid have more in common with each other based on the fact that they both have 6 year olds than they do with my colleagues or my college friends (with whom they have nothing in common). I would never put people together JUST because they have kids, but when you're combining half-empty tables putting the parents together makes more sense.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

You should keep them together, whether that means having them all at the head table or all at another table. Who would they sit with if they are not at the head table? Do they have other friends there?

MuppetFan · June 2013

lyndausvi said:

DH and I sat at the kids table at our wedding. 7 of them (ages 6-13) and 2 of us. Parents were at the next table over.

True story.

Would I suggest this to everyone? No, but not all kids are heathens who can not sit at a dinner table without causing trouble.

OP I would ask the mom what she would prefer. She might think she is "obligated" to sit at the HT because of tradition. However, she more than likely would prefer to be with her mom and kids.

I love that you sat at the kids table.

kerbohl · June 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

"The people with kids aren't deciding everything. OP, the bride, the organizer of the event, is deciding. If a person can't stand to sit next to children for the duration of dinner, that's their problem. One of the children is also a member of the wedding party."
Of course, the bride (and groom) have the final call. They should care about ALL their guests' comfort. Not just parents and kids.

By OP's comments, she is being very accommodating and thinking about all her guests' comfort, even going so far as to asking their opinions on seating. I don't get why it has been repeated a couple times that bride and groom should care about ALL the guests' comfort instead of just the parents and kids. I'm not seeing anything that indicates that the parents and kids are getting special treatment at the expense of single guests. OP is going about this really well getting people's opinions and making sure everyone is happy.

lyndausvi · June 2013

MuppetFan said:

lyndausvi said:

DH and I sat at the kids table at our wedding. 7 of them (ages 6-13) and 2 of us. Parents were at the next table over.

True story.

Would I suggest this to everyone? No, but not all kids are heathens who can not sit at a dinner table without causing trouble.

OP I would ask the mom what she would prefer. She might think she is "obligated" to sit at the HT because of tradition. However, she more than likely would prefer to be with her mom and kids.

I love that you sat at the kids table.

If you met my husband it makes sense. Plus when you started grouping our people up we seem to fit there better than anywhere else.. Oh and my siblings are pretty strict with their kids. From day one they learned how to properly sit at a table. They had been to fancy restaurants with us (without the parents) before. So there was no doubt they would be prefect angels.

32daisies · June 2013

walgrrl said:

So, I just talked to my friend and this was her exact response:

"They don't have to all sit at the head table. Whatever works out best for you. We are flexible with whatever you want to do. They're good kids and my mom won't mind either way!"

Oy! I really appreciate that she is trying to be so nice and accommodating, but I really wish she would have given me her true preference.
What do you guys think?

Huh. I see what you mean. She was so nice in her response she really didn't say either way. It sounds to me like you are both too nice to just say what you want.

You could answer her and say, "That's the thing, either works for us, so since it doesn't matter, we thought we'd ask you whether you'd rather have the kids seated with you or elsewhere." On the other hand, looking at her response... I think she might be telling you not to put them at the head table, just because that's what she said first, then qualified it with very nice "whatever is okay!" caveats just because she didn't want to sound at all like she was telling you what to do. I don't know! I hope you figure it out, but either way, I think your bridesmaid knows you're being thoughtful, and that I'm sure means a lot to her.

Another head table ?

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