Engagement Party faux pas.

wiki8 · June 2013

I might be alone in this, but engagement parties that happen a substantial amount of time after the couple gets engaged bug me. I have two this month for couples who have been engaged at least a year. They just seem super gift grabby to me.
The one I am at now (while knotting) is just terrible. She's been posting non stop about it on Facebook in the last few weeks, telling everyone to stop by, even if they are not invited to the wedding. I refuse to give cash at these occasions, and instead brought her a nice card, bottle of champagne and a wedding magazine.
When I went to the table to grab food I saw this gem. A vase with a handwritten sign asking for money to help the bride and groom out with the wedding.
Why do people always think this kind of stuff is okay?!
I could go into all the other reasons why it's a terrible engagement party, but I might just have a bad taste in my mouth because f the obvious begging for funds.

32daisies · June 2013

I can't express how much I love the fact that you're knotting while at this thing. Awesome.

I would say I don't get it, but people are greedy and entitled, and those bridal magazines (not that I fault you for getting them one -- good gift idea, actually) feed brides all kinds of crazy ideas about it being perfectly fine to ask for cash, to have a honeymoon fund, etc.

wiki8 · June 2013

@32daisies haha knotting while here will keep me sane! It's a backyard BBQ and the music is so loud you can barely hear yourself think. I'm just waiting for the cops to show up for a noise complaint!

I was given a bunch of wedding magazines (like 20) from a coworker who is getting married this summer and doesn't need them anymore. That's what I've been using as gifts for these terrible events haha. I have read through a few, and that's actually where I saw the advice not to give cash as an engagement gift haha. I believe you though, I have seen some really terrible advice!

wiki8 · June 2013

I feel as if I need to direct everyone I know to this board immediately.

tiny speck · June 2013

I definitely side-eye engagement parties that take place more than a month or so from the engagement itself. I feel like once you're engaged for a couple of months (even with a long engagement) the focus should be on the wedding/marriage instead. I don't know, I might be biased because no one threw us and engagement party (nor did we want one).

wiki8 · June 2013

@stagemanager14 I think that is a much better idea!!! I will have to buy some in bulk.

Epitome of class: blasting music about fucking pussy lips with 15 kids in attendance.

annathy03 · June 2013

Holy crap!

wiki8 said:

@stagemanager14 I think that is a much better idea!!! I will have to buy some in bulk. Epitome of class: blasting music about fucking pussy lips with 15 kids in attendance.

freebread03 · June 2013

Way too late for an engagement party...I'm a "bring a card and a decent bottle of champagne" kinda girl too.

winelover123 · June 2013

My engagement party was 4 months after the engagement. I don't really understand having one a year after the engagement though. In my circle, e-parties aren't gift giving events - people will bring cards and maybe a bottle of wine or a picture frame so I wouldn't have brought anything other than a card. The vase thing is horrible.

OrchidWeddingBliss · June 2013

Well, I'm not sure what they're background is, but in mine this would be seen as acceptable (mind you even other people in my country find my region odd - we even get god parents for our wedding to help fund it, we hold an engagement party and people bring money ($100+ in North America) for it, and at the wedding each guest will typically try and at least cover their plate), so could it be that where they're from it's seen as ok? Even though for us we just get the money when we go around greeting people and thanking them for coming.

If not then I'm shocked. I think they should have just gone as far as their budget allowed them to and saved the money from the engagement party for the wedding.

misssunshine17 · June 2013

FI and I have been engaged for two years and didn't have our party yet! I guess we'll have have an engagement redo so we can have one.

facepalm.

mstallae · June 2013

We got engaged in mid March and our e-party is next weekend. However, I don't think there will be a lot of gifts really .. most e-parties I've ever been to I just bring a nice card and go to congratulate the couple. When its a REALLY close friend sometimes I've given like a gift cert for a restaurant so they could go celebrate with a meal or something.

My parents are hosting it and they rented out a room at a local restaurant - there will be appetizers and punch.

NYCMercedes · June 2013

OrchidWeddingBliss said:

Well, I'm not sure what they're background is, but in mine this would be seen as acceptable (mind you even other people in my country find my region odd - we even get god parents for our wedding to help fund it, we hold an engagement party and people bring money ($100+ in North America) for it, and at the wedding each guest will typically try and at least cover their plate), so could it be that where they're from it's seen as ok? Even though for us we just get the money when we go around greeting people and thanking them for coming.

If not then I'm shocked. I think they should have just gone as far as their budget allowed them to and saved the money from the engagement party for the wedding.

Where are you from?

krose83013 · June 2013

Honestly, I'm not sure where the big issue...and this is just my opinion. My best friend's parents just threw her and her FI a party this past weekend. They got engaged last August. It was a great party and they had a Honeymoon Fund jar, but it wasn't out in the open and I didn't see it until I was already there for several hours. People weren't offended because there was money in it. And as for a gift I had gotten them Tiffany champagne glasses last August (her theme is the Tiffany - vintage / throwback) and this time I got them Mr. & Mrs. cake forks (an etsy buy) and champagne.

Maybe it's just where we live, not sure.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

krose83013 said: Honestly, I'm not sure where the big issue...and this is just my opinion. My best friend's parents just threw her and her FI a party this past weekend. They got engaged last August. It was a great party and they had a Honeymoon Fund jar, but it wasn't out in the open and I didn't see it until I was already there for several hours. People weren't offended because there was money in it. And as for a gift I had gotten them Tiffany champagne glasses last August (her theme is the Tiffany - vintage / throwback) and this time I got them Mr. & Mrs. cake forks (an etsy buy) and champagne.
Maybe it's just where we live, not sure.

Could be where you live. Most of the time, people don't have the intention of coming off as tacky or ignoring etiquette, it's usually that they simply don't know any better.

Here's the thing... tackiness in all this stuff often boils down to money and people "asking for" gifts/money. When people get married, the only obligation of their guests should be to show their love and support. The difference here is that when people do stuff like have "jack and jill parties", "honeymoon jars", host their own showers, cash bars, etc., they put their guests in the awkward position of being asked to pay for/contribute to something. Some may say, "well it's optional, guests don't need to donate to the wedding/drop money in the jar/give a gift/buy a drink." But the thing is that they are being ASKED to whether by invitation to the jack and jill, presence of the honeymoon jar, bride throwing her own (gift) shower, etc. That's where it becomes rude and goes against this social set of rules we call proper etiquette.

It's kind of like panhandling in disguise. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig.

ETA: my quote was up in her quote. I moved it down so you can tell where her's ends and mine begins

Viczaesar · June 2013

krose83013 said:

Honestly, I'm not sure where the big issue...and this is just my opinion. My best friend's parents just threw her and her FI a party this past weekend. They got engaged last August. It was a great party and they had a Honeymoon Fund jar, but it wasn't out in the open and I didn't see it until I was already there for several hours. People weren't offended because there was money in it. And as for a gift I had gotten them Tiffany champagne glasses last August (her theme is the Tiffany - vintage / throwback) and this time I got them Mr. & Mrs. cake forks (an etsy buy) and champagne.

Maybe it's just where we live, not sure.

Logic fail.

TheBaysideBride · June 2013

I think once couples start getting a few gifts, or start registering, it triggers some "me! me! me!" reaction in some people. It's so bizarre, and yes, inviting people over who aren't invited to the wedding, to give gifts, is SO tacky. as is a money jar.

a wedding is supposed to be the celebration of a huge event, not a freaking fundraiser.

the entire wedding industry is insane. If I do this again, I'm having a backyard BBQ.

wiki8 · June 2013

Viczaesar said:

krose83013 said:

Honestly, I'm not sure where the big issue...and this is just my opinion. My best friend's parents just threw her and her FI a party this past weekend. They got engaged last August. It was a great party and they had a Honeymoon Fund jar, but it wasn't out in the open and I didn't see it until I was already there for several hours. People weren't offended because there was money in it. And as for a gift I had gotten them Tiffany champagne glasses last August (her theme is the Tiffany - vintage / throwback) and this time I got them Mr. & Mrs. cake forks (an etsy buy) and champagne.

Maybe it's just where we live, not sure.

Logic fail.

Definite logic fail.

One thing I was happy to see, was there was only $1 in the jar the entire time I was there. And I know it was put in by the bride. *cue evil laugh*

@krose83013 I feel as if most people know this isn't okay, some just choose to ignore it. Some though have become so accustomed to seeing it they truly believe it is okay, at which point they promptly need to log onto here.

OrchidWeddingBliss · June 2013

I'm from Central America. I'm not going to say the specific country as someone who is from there will be able to tell which family I come from with my description so it helps put things in perspective. My family and our social circle is made of mostly old money - we even did incest (between cousins) a few generations ago to keep the wealth within the family. Incest is no longer practiced.

I'm not sure if everyone does this (giving money for wedding) in our country or continent, but in our region (where it is our social circle) this is still practiced even by those of us who immigrated to north america and other countries within central america. I think it started off because a lot of them were friends and family who pretty much saw the couple group up and so they felt a strong bound with them - or maybe it's because they saw it as hey, two family members are getting married: give one good gift = two birds with one stone.

cmclaire · June 2013

I'm aghast at the jar.

Here in the UK engagement parties are lowkey and fun - few people bring gifts, it's more a chance to catch up, congratulate, and hear all the wedding plans. My fiancé and I had our last month and got a tonne of cards and thoroughly enjoyed spending time with a few dozen of our very favourite people. For us, that was a real treat.

StPaul0102 · June 2013

I get that the bride shouldn't have anything to do with the engagement party planning but if I showed up to my engagement party and saw a honeymoon jar I would get rid of it immediately! Also, I would be making this face at the host in my mind:

OrchidWeddingBliss · June 2013

EllaYoung said:

I'm from Central America. I'm not going to say the specific country as someone who is from there will be able to tell which family I come from with my description so it helps put things in perspective. My family and our social circle is made of mostly old money - we even did incest (between cousins) a few generations ago to keep the wealth within the family. Incest is no longer practiced.

I'm not sure if everyone does this (giving money for wedding) in our country or continent, but in our region (where it is our social circle) this is still practiced even by those of us who immigrated to north america and other countries within central america. I think it started off because a lot of them were friends and family who pretty much saw the couple group up and so they felt a strong bound with them - or maybe it's because they saw it as hey, two family members are getting married: give one good gift = two birds with one stone.
To the bolded: a more polite term for this is "inter married" and was common in royalty and nobility in Europe and elsewhere. Also, they emigrated, not immigrated.

Yes, but I personally don't really see calling it incest wrong. I get that they're both the same and there is a more polite term for it, but I didn't think it mattered. If I offended you, I apologize. Also, I know it was practiced by others but to us it has become a bit shameful. You can imagine why.

As for the emigrated, I saw it once it was up and I'm not sure how to edit on here. So that's my fault for not reading before I hit post. I wanted to do another post with the edits, but I thought that'd be too much. I'd greatly appreciated if you can tell me how to edit my posts once they're up. As you can tell I'm new here.

wiki8 · June 2013

Oh wait!! I think I forgot to mention she planned the entire thing herself! How could I!! @StPaul0102

krose83013 · June 2013

Logic fail? Not sure how this is a Logic Fail when guests put money in the jar. One would deduce that if guests were offended or that they already gave a gift then they wouldn't have put money in the jar or would have said something. We are all a pretty open and direct group of people. No one said anything.

Again it's a matter of opinion. I'm from Eastern PA and I've seen this in Jersey, Western PA and Ohio...it could be our location.

StPaul0102 · June 2013

wiki8 said:

Oh wait!! I think I forgot to mention she planned the entire thing herself! How could I!! @StPaul0102

Oh my.

Kate61487 · June 2013

krose83013 said:

Logic fail? Not sure how this is a Logic Fail when guests put money in the jar. One would deduce that if guests were offended or that they already gave a gift then they wouldn't have put money in the jar or would have said something. We are all a pretty open and direct group of people. No one said anything.

Again it's a matter of opinion. I'm from Eastern PA and I've seen this in Jersey, Western PA and Ohio...it could be our location.

It's a logic fail because just because SOME people put money in the jar (quite possibly the B&G or host themselves to get it going) doesn't mean that NO ONE was offended. And the fact that no one said anything definitely doesn't mean no one was offended. I find it terribly tacky, but I'm not going to go up a B&G and say "BTW, that jar over there is super tacky".

QueerFemme · June 2013

krose83013 said:

Logic fail? Not sure how this is a Logic Fail when guests put money in the jar. One would deduce that if guests were offended or that they already gave a gift then they wouldn't have put money in the jar or would have said something. We are all a pretty open and direct group of people. No one said anything.

Again it's a matter of opinion. I'm from Eastern PA and I've seen this in Jersey, Western PA and Ohio...it could be our location.

No one says anything because (a) it's rude to say anything, even when the host is being rude, and (b) they don't know any better either.

Just because your guests are ignorant to etiquette rules, doesn't mean you should still commit major breaches of those rules.

It's sort of like someone making a rude comment behind your back. Just because you didn't hear it, doesn't make them less of an asshole.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

krose83013 said:

Logic fail? Not sure how this is a Logic Fail when guests put money in the jar. One would deduce that if guests were offended or that they already gave a gift then they wouldn't have put money in the jar or would have said something. We are all a pretty open and direct group of people. No one said anything.

Again it's a matter of opinion. I'm from Eastern PA and I've seen this in Jersey, Western PA and Ohio...it could be our location.

Yea, the thing is that people who know it's an etiquette faux pas also know it's rude to call it out, so they won't say anything. That's why no one is like, "Hey that rude thing you're doing over there? I'm going to publicly embarrass you and tell you how rude it is.." So the logic fail here is that just because no one said anything doesn't mean that everyone was cool with it. It just means no one said anything...

wiki8 · June 2013

Kate61487 said:

krose83013 said:

Logic fail? Not sure how this is a Logic Fail when guests put money in the jar. One would deduce that if guests were offended or that they already gave a gift then they wouldn't have put money in the jar or would have said something. We are all a pretty open and direct group of people. No one said anything.

Again it's a matter of opinion. I'm from Eastern PA and I've seen this in Jersey, Western PA and Ohio...it could be our location.

It's a logic fail because just because SOME people put money in the jar (quite possibly the B&G or host themselves to get it going) doesn't mean that NO ONE was offended. And the fact that no one said anything definitely doesn't mean no one was offended. I find it terribly tacky, but I'm not going to go up a B&G and say "BTW, that jar over there is super tacky".

This. Just because people participated, doesn't mean it wasn't rude/tacky.

annmarie714 · June 2013

krose83013 said:

Logic fail? Not sure how this is a Logic Fail when guests put money in the jar. One would deduce that if guests were offended or that they already gave a gift then they wouldn't have put money in the jar or would have said something. We are all a pretty open and direct group of people. No one said anything.

Again it's a matter of opinion. I'm from Eastern PA and I've seen this in Jersey, Western PA and Ohio...it could be our location.

I'm from Ohio and still have class and follow etiquette. This is not ok. Region does NOT matter. Asking for money is asking for money. You can put lipstick on a pig...and it's still a pig.

southernbelle0915 and I both enjoy pigs wearing lipstick.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

annmarie714 said:

krose83013 said:

Logic fail? Not sure how this is a Logic Fail when guests put money in the jar. One would deduce that if guests were offended or that they already gave a gift then they wouldn't have put money in the jar or would have said something. We are all a pretty open and direct group of people. No one said anything.

Again it's a matter of opinion. I'm from Eastern PA and I've seen this in Jersey, Western PA and Ohio...it could be our location.

I'm from Ohio and still have class and follow etiquette. This is not ok. Region does NOT matter. Asking for money is asking for money. You can put lipstick on a pig...and it's still a pig.

southernbelle0915 and I both enjoy pigs wearing lipstick.

We must! The imagery gets me every time...

Engagement Party faux pas.

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