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Advice needed: To invite step daughter, or not?

AMK82013AMK82013
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in Second Weddings

Hi...in search of some honest opinions with my situation. This is our second wedding. My fiance has a stepdaugher who is 17. She is the daughter of his first wife, from her previous marriage. In other words-he's not the biological father, however he raised her as his own for 10 yrs. We have hired her to watch my daughter and his son (the 17 yr olds half brother) for the summer, and I have just moved in. So far, things are going really well. The step daughter comes to the house to watch the kids, and I am just getting to know this girl. She seems very nice, and I enjoy talking with her. Problem is, I'm not sure if I am comfortable inviting her to our wedding. She is from his first marriage, in fact, she was at the first marriage. I'm afraid of having her there for fear of bringing up the first marriage, and the memories from that. I feel like this is supposed to be about us, and our fresh start as a family, and having her there could bring up the memories from the first wedding. And the last thing I want to talk about on our wedding day is the ex. However, my fiance said it would be nice to have her there. Am I being a total witch to not want here there?

This wedding is going to be very small. We are only inviting about 50 people-I've already been having issues with my side of the family, as they are insistant that I am living in sin, and need to get an annulment in the Catholic church before I marry a second time. My grandpa and aunt feel so strongly about this they are not coming (which really hurts). The 17 yr. old is a lesbian, and will probably want to bring her gf as a date. I have no problem with her being a lesbian, or bringing her gf., but I might have issues with my parents on that.

Overall, I just feel like this is a lot to worry about, and it causes me stress. I want my fiance to be happy, afterall its his day too.....but I don't want the memory of the first wedding around on what is supposed to be our new start. Am I being rediculous here? Please help.

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Re: Advice needed: To invite step daughter, or not?

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    vo0206501vo0206501 member
    5 Love Its First Comment

    If your FI has a relationship with her (as it appears he does) and he thinks that she should be invited then I think you should do it. She comes to the house to watch your kids so why not? Seems to me that she is a part of the family regardless of how she got there. What if you don't invite her and then have her over to babysit? Do you think she might feel bad knowing that she is good enough to watch your kid but not good enough to be a part of her stepdad's and your special day?? Don't worry about the first marriage. So are you saying that you are not going to have your own child be a part of your wedding because she is a product of a past relationship?? His son too? No worries. Those memories of the past will quickly fade and will be outshadowed by your new marriage the moment you say I DO! ;) 

    Now, in regards to issues with your family...sounds like they are the ones with the issues! It seems to me that you really value them though and love them a lot but as great as that is, at the end of the day this is YOUR wedding and it's not your job to make everyone happy. The ones that are supposed to be there on your wedding day are the ones that will be there. End of story. Even if it breaks your heart a little you just have to be pleasant about their decisions, let it go and move on. Oh and if the 17 yr old brings a date so what! You don't have to explain anything to anyone! She could just be a friend but if your parents already know about her lifestyle and feel the need to comment then let them. Chances are you will be too busy staring into your new hubbys eyes and definitely too happy to care! Just take a breath and try not to worry so much! It will be perfect!

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    xxjuliette21xxxxjuliette21xx member
    First Comment

    I am a "stepmom" and I think if you and her get a long and he raised her as if she was his I would be able to invite her.  Family issues are hard when planning and you have strong religious beliefs but you need to do what will make yours and your fiance day memorable.  Talk to him and ask him how much does he want her to be there and go from there. You should never exclude any family biologica or not.  I hope this helps out some.  Good Luck with your choice! 

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    right1thistimeright1thistime member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I think it would be harsh to NOT invite her.  He raised her as a parent for 10 years, she's old enough to be aware of being left out, and unless you just think of her as the help instead of family, she should be invited. 
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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Ask her what her thoughts are, if she is comfortable witnessing you and her "dad" getting married then she should be welcomed.  He has been there for her for 10 years and she is in his life, so her thoughts and feelings need to be considered. 
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    Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment

    I agree, it would be harsh not to invite her. We have no "steps of steps" in our marriage, but if he helped raise her for 10 years, he may be a better dad than her own.

    Even though I don't have the same situation you do, if her presence is enough to make you think it is a "reminder" of an earlier marriage, then you need to get over it. Your fiance is marrying YOU this time. My husband's family went to 2 other marriages of his, and I never heard anyone say there were reminiscences of his past marriages. We all have "pasts" on this board and even with that, it's the first time we married THIS husband, and vice versa.

    I understand having religious, "upstanding" family members. While hard, this is probably a very brief day (under 6 hrs) and everyone should know enough about etiquette to be on their best behavior for that long.

    Good luck.

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    clg1213clg1213 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I'd invite her and even try to include her in some way....not necessarily in the wedding but maybe have her come along for a pre-wedding mani/pedi or some other "girl time" to show you are welcoming her as part of the new family
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    AMK82013AMK82013
    First Comment

    All very good points ladies. And Sue-n-Kevin, I think you are right, I do need to get over it. I will be inviting her-mainly because of all the facts every one of you has mentioned.

     

    It's tough, this new start, living with someone again after 8 yrs of being on my own. I'm still learning and navagating these waters.

     

    Again, appreciate your wise words ladies. Thanks.

     

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    clg1213clg1213 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment

    you WILL mess up.  it is inevitable.  BUT......you are learning.  when you learned to walk, you too some falls but you eventually achieved balance.  you will here too....

     

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