FI doesnt want a registry

Re: FI doesnt want a registry

• Simply Fated member

  

  June 2013

  Micqs said:

  So, Ive been trying to talk to my FI about registry items.  He is flat out against doing a registry and just wants to do a honeymoon registry.  I mean I understand his point.  We have an established home and not much room.  I mentioned to him about donating or selling items and registering for new items so our guests are able to have something to go by if they want to get us a gift.  He said he doesnt want new stuff and is just happy.  I mentioned to him that some people tend to think honeymoon registries are rude and "cashgrabby".  He said then "we'll do a honeymoon registry and if they dont want to do that, they can do whatever".  I was like you cant just say that!  Ugh.. Men.  I think he is scared we will not be able to have a honeymoon.  We were recently relocated for his job and while we thought this was going to be a good move financially, we had numerous financial set backs.  We burned through our savings and have pretty much nothing left.  We're pushing it with our wedding but we'll make do.  I told him if we cannot afford it, we dont need to go on a honeymoon right after the wedding.  He is just stubborn and hard headed and did not agree.  I dont agree with solely doing a honeymoon registry if we even do one and letting guests fend for themselves and buy us whatever.  What on earth do I do? Should I just register without him?  Suck it up and do what he wants?  Not do anything?
  

  It sounds like he wants it his way or no way.
  That's not cool.
  
  A truly fair compromise would to have both types of registries and let the guests decide. He can do his, you can do yours.
  
  Not that I want to support anyone doing a honeymoon registry. Those just act as a "middle-man." If people want to give you a monetary gift, they will. You don't need to disguise it as a honeymoon registry. Try reminding him that most honeymoon registries take a cut of the gift. So if a guest gives you $100, you actually only get $95 or what ever the site's fee is. Each site has their own percentage they take, make sure he goes through the site's Terms and Conditions carefully. Even Honeyfund makes you lose out on money, if you go through paypal.
  

  
  

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• courtneythesquid member

  

  June 2013

  I would do a small registry, and explain that you really already have most of the household items you need.  This will provide options for people who just really want to give a boxed gift.  Most people will get the hint and will give cash, especially if you have your family and close friends gently spread the word that you are saving for X.  Personally I would be ok with contributing to a honeymoon fund if that is what the couple really wanted, but I know they bring out strong feelings in a lot of people!  So I would not do one myself...

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• artbyallie mod

  

  June 2013

  A HR is not for 'helping with the honeymoon'... it's for fooling your guests into giving money to a third party who will take a cut before handing the money on to you. People know on their own that money is appreciated as a wedding gift; they're not stupid. I do encourage a small registry of physical items, though, because some people just prefer to give boxed gifts over cash/checks/giftcards. We had three registries and still got a large amount of money.

  

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• hoffse member

  

  June 2013

  How about you give him the most practical reason?  Which is that using a honeymoon registry to "help" with a honeymoon really doesn't work because things need to be booked before guests start contributing gifts.  If you just trust that they will reimburse you, I can almost promise it will backfire.  We got some cash, but not enough to cover even one of our flights.  If we had used a honeymoon registry and just put everything on our credit cards trusting that our guests would reimburse us, we would have been screwed.  Make him understand that you two need to be able to pay for the honeymoon outright, separate from whatever etiquette says.

  
  

  Another point you can make - some circles give physical gifts.  Mine does.  As in, we got more than 100 physical gifts for the wedding... separate from the shower.  What would have happened if we hadn't registered?  100 things we didn't pick out is what.  We still got some stuff that we didn't pick out (some people won't shop off a registry no matter what), but we got a lot more that we picked out than stuff we didn't.  At the very least it's to our taste, KWIM?

  

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• cheapbrideincentpa

  

  June 2013

  I am in your exact situation right now, only my FI wants to register for things and I refuse. I totally see your guy's point about not registering for stuff you don't need- so I register for a set of towels, just to have something on my list- do I then keep my fingers crossed they include a receipt so I can get cash or exchange it?
  
  I have lived on my own for 7 years, then FI moved in to my place two years ago- so we had almost double of everything. We do plan on moving into a larger house at some point after the wedding, but I don't see the point of registering for items, when I won't even know the style or colors of my new house.
  
  The items I do need, such as new windows, a paito set, bathroom flooring can only be purchased with cash or gift cards. My thoughts are I would much rather see my guests donate money in our name to a animal shelter, than basically waste their money on things we have no use for.  His family is very gift focused,  and have already asked his mom about engagement gifts- I told him to tell her to make a donation, we really don't need anymore dust collectors. I don't want us to register anywhere and hope people get the hint that we prefer cash or gift cards.
  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  June 2013

  cheapbrideincentpa said:

  I am in your exact situation right now, only my FI wants to register for things and I refuse. I totally see your guy's point about not registering for stuff you don't need- so I register for a set of towels, just to have something on my list- do I then keep my fingers crossed they include a receipt so I can get cash or exchange it?
  
  I have lived on my own for 7 years, then FI moved in to my place two years ago- so we had almost double of everything. We do plan on moving into a larger house at some point after the wedding, but I don't see the point of registering for items, when I won't even know the style or colors of my new house.
  
  The items I do need, such as new windows, a paito set, bathroom flooring can only be purchased with cash or gift cards. My thoughts are I would much rather see my guests donate money in our name to a animal shelter, than basically waste their money on things we have no use for.  His family is very gift focused,  and have already asked his mom about engagement gifts- I told him to tell her to make a donation, we really don't need anymore dust collectors. I don't want us to register anywhere and hope people get the hint that we prefer cash or gift cards.
  

  It's not your place to decide what charity other people should donate to, whether or not it's in your name.  That has to be their decision.  Maybe they don't agree with the causes you support.
  
  If you want to donate cash or other gifts you receive to an animal shelter, great, more power to you.  But you can't do that with money or other gifts you haven't received.
  

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