Wedding Party

MOH Issues

I'm stuck with a dilemma... first I have two maid of honors both of them are living a great distance away from me so they aren't as involved as I would like. Second I found dresses that I really liked and had everyone order them because they compliment everyone's figure but now I'm unsure of how to have them 'stand out' from the other bridesmaids. What should I do my wedding is in September and I'm stressed to the Max!! Oh I'm also planning my own bridal shower...(a whole other story in itself)

Re: MOH Issues

  • edited June 2013

    I'm stuck with a dilemma... first I have two maid of honors both of them are living a great distance away from me so they aren't as involved as I would like. Second I found dresses that I really liked and had everyone order them because they compliment everyone's figure but now I'm unsure of how to have them 'stand out' from the other bridesmaids. What should I do my wedding is in September and I'm stressed to the Max!! Oh I'm also planning my own bridal shower...(a whole other story in itself)

    Oh jeez.

    I don't see any dilemmas. Your bridesmaid/mohs don't need to do anything until the ceremony except get a dress. The don't need special attire to stand out (if that's very important to you, get them a sash, or special bouquets). You really shouldn't throw yourself a shower.

    You are officially problem free.



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  • You have nothing to worry about. Your maids of honor's only duties are to arrive at your wedding in their dresses, sober. And one of them will likely sign your marriage license. And that's it. They aren't required to do anything else and you shouldn't be expecting anything else from them. Sometimes, maids of honor do throw showers and bachelorette parties and volunteer to help the bride out - but it's their choice. They aren't hired help. So that's a non-issue for you, luckily!

    And also, maids of honor don't need to stand out among the other bridesmaids. In fact, I prefer when they don't. So that should save you some stress right there.
  • Why do they need to stand out?


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • CallaLily25CallaLily25 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited June 2013

    I'm stuck with a dilemma... first I have two maid of honors both of them are living a great distance away from me so they aren't as involved as I would like. Second I found dresses that I really liked and had everyone order them because they compliment everyone's figure but now I'm unsure of how to have them 'stand out' from the other bridesmaids. What should I do my wedding is in September and I'm stressed to the Max!! Oh I'm also planning my own bridal shower...(a whole other story in itself)

    1. Even as MOH, they aren't required to do anything but buy a dress and show up. If they want to be more involved, that's great, but it's not required.

    2. I think a dress in everyone's budget that is flattering to all is a great choice. The MOHs don't need to stand out. If you really want them to stand out, you can do something that has nothing to do with the dress...like make their bouquets slightly different or fuller than the BMs.

    3. Please don't plan your own shower. You will look gift grabby and rude. If your MOHs don't offer, then maybe someone in your family or FI's family will.

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  • I just always thought MOHs either wore another color dress or something different, I'm the type who always wants everything perfect so there won't be any issues or setbacks when the big day comes. I was thinking to just do a different bouquets like dreamergirl said.

    I just feel like I should have support at this important time, maybe I'm overreacting. My mother said she would give me a shower but I thought that was against etiquette too...at this point its not about anything other than me and my future husband I just want to enjoy my time planning and enjoying myself and do away with the stress
  • If you're wanting to do away with stress, that's completely on you. Stop telling yourself that issues like your MOH's standing out or "doing enough" and planning your own shower (which I agree with PP's is a no-go) are worthy of being "stressed to the max" over. You're choosing to be so stressed because of the things you are telling yourself about these non-issues.
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  • How are you not being supported?  And what support do you need?

    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I just always thought MOHs either wore another color dress or something different, I'm the type who always wants everything perfect so there won't be any issues or setbacks when the big day comes. I was thinking to just do a different bouquets like dreamergirl said. I just feel like I should have support at this important time, maybe I'm overreacting. My mother said she would give me a shower but I thought that was against etiquette too...at this point its not about anything other than me and my future husband I just want to enjoy my time planning and enjoying myself and do away with the stress
    If you need support to get married, you should rethink the engagement.  If you are marrying the right guy, no support will be needed.  You look to your friends for support when you lose a job or when someone dies.  Support is not needed for happy occasions.

    Yes, it is against traditional etiquette for your mother to throw your shower, but that rule is not always followed, especially when the bride hasn't been financially dependent on her parents for a long time.  It very, very rude for you to throw you own shower, no matter what.  A shower is not mandatory.  If no one offers to throw one, you just don't have one.    
  • It is beyond tacky for a bride to plan her own shower. 
  • My fiance is very supportive number one but some things are more easily discussed with females like dresses flowers hair etc..second the reason these people are in my wedding party is because the have been a big part of my life and yes sometimes I just need someone to talk to or vent about things that men just don't understand, so to say reevaluate my engagement because I feel I need female support is way too much. The reason I'm putting this out there is to get feedback from people who have been through this before or who are older than me and may have some wisdom to share. I know I'm not the first nor will I be the last person who's fiance would rather just deal with the finances and big details rather than the small ones that women stress over
  • I just always thought MOHs either wore another color dress or something different, I'm the type who always wants everything perfect so there won't be any issues or setbacks when the big day comes. I was thinking to just do a different bouquets like dreamergirl said. I just feel like I should have support at this important time, maybe I'm overreacting. My mother said she would give me a shower but I thought that was against etiquette too...at this point its not about anything other than me and my future husband I just want to enjoy my time planning and enjoying myself and do away with the stress
    If you need support to get married, you should rethink the engagement.  If you are marrying the right guy, no support will be needed.  You look to your friends for support when you lose a job or when someone dies.  Support is not needed for happy occasions.

    Yes, it is against traditional etiquette for your mother to throw your shower, but that rule is not always followed, especially when the bride hasn't been financially dependent on her parents for a long time.  It very, very rude for you to throw you own shower, no matter what.  A shower is not mandatory.  If no one offers to throw one, you just don't have one.    
    That is beyond rude and ignorant, why would you dare say something like that.  would you like it if someone told you to rethink your marriage?
  • niki&rob said:
    I just always thought MOHs either wore another color dress or something different, I'm the type who always wants everything perfect so there won't be any issues or setbacks when the big day comes. I was thinking to just do a different bouquets like dreamergirl said. I just feel like I should have support at this important time, maybe I'm overreacting. My mother said she would give me a shower but I thought that was against etiquette too...at this point its not about anything other than me and my future husband I just want to enjoy my time planning and enjoying myself and do away with the stress
    If you need support to get married, you should rethink the engagement.  If you are marrying the right guy, no support will be needed.  You look to your friends for support when you lose a job or when someone dies.  Support is not needed for happy occasions.

    Yes, it is against traditional etiquette for your mother to throw your shower, but that rule is not always followed, especially when the bride hasn't been financially dependent on her parents for a long time.  It very, very rude for you to throw you own shower, no matter what.  A shower is not mandatory.  If no one offers to throw one, you just don't have one.    
    That is beyond rude and ignorant, why would you dare say something like that.  would you like it if someone told you to rethink your marriage?
    I don't think she was trying to offend. She was pointing to the ridiculousness of stating that a BM or MOH must support a bride during her wedding. 

    What support could you possibly require?
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  • @pdkh I'm just in need of some female support is all, they are my friends and I guess I was expecting more. Maybe this isn't the place for me to try to find advice but I greatly appreciate the input
  • @pdkh I'm just in need of some female support is all, they are my friends and I guess I was expecting more. Maybe this isn't the place for me to try to find advice but I greatly appreciate the input
    People are just trying to give you proper etiquette advice and to help you retain your friendships. That is female support (actually, gender free support)! They're trying to help you, I promise. People here just tend to be blunt. Thick skin and a sense of humor will get you far on The Knot. 

    Honestly, what support do you need? Can you answer that question specifically? Yes, of course it would be lovely if your friends would attend all your vendor appointments, fittings, etc. But it's not their job. They've got their own lives - lives that don't have your wedding as a priority. And that's ok. 

    Honestly, I've been a bridesmaid five times now. I'm usually not overly involved in the planning process. That doesn't mean I don't care about those brides or love those brides. But they didn't need my help and I didn't have time to spend planning their weddings - it doesn't change our friendships one bit. My fiance doesn't care about much of our wedding - does that mean he doesn't support me? No, it just means he not that into flowers or cake. Your friends might be the same way. 

    You can plan a wedding alone - I promise. My fiance lives 800 miles away. It's all on me to do it, and yes, it sucks sometimes. But honestly, that's life. You can do it, I promise. 

    Get your head out of wedding planning for a moment. Why are your friends your friends? It's not because they're good wedding workers, it's because they mean something to you. Honor them with your wedding - don't make them work your wedding. 
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  • PDKH said:



    @pdkh I'm just in need of some female support is all, they are my friends and I guess I was expecting more. Maybe this isn't the place for me to try to find advice but I greatly appreciate the input

    People are just trying to give you proper etiquette advice and to help you retain your friendships. That is female support (actually, gender free support)! They're trying to help you, I promise. People here just tend to be blunt. Thick skin and a sense of humor will get you far on The Knot. 

    Honestly, what support do you need? Can you answer that question specifically? Yes, of course it would be lovely if your friends would attend all your vendor appointments, fittings, etc. But it's not their job. They've got their own lives - lives that don't have your wedding as a priority. And that's ok. 

    Honestly, I've been a bridesmaid five times now. I'm usually not overly involved in the planning process. That doesn't mean I don't care about those brides or love those brides. But they didn't need my help and I didn't have time to spend planning their weddings - it doesn't change our friendships one bit. My fiance doesn't care about much of our wedding - does that mean he doesn't support me? No, it just means he not that into flowers or cake. Your friends might be the same way. 

    You can plan a wedding alone - I promise. My fiance lives 800 miles away. It's all on me to do it, and yes, it sucks sometimes. But honestly, that's life. You can do it, I promise. 

    Get your head out of wedding planning for a moment. Why are your friends your friends? It's not because they're good wedding workers, it's because they mean something to you. Honor them with your wedding - don't make them work your wedding. 


    I'm new to this so excuse me if it doesn't appear on the screen right... I don't really need support so I guess I worded it wrong probably just in my feelings a little, I'm the baby of the family so I'm used to attention. I just want them to be more involved I have financial and emotional support I just want my girlfriends to help me with things that I'm doing on my own ,my budget isn't huge so a lot of things I'm doing myself I know they have their own lives and I appreciate them just being a part of our day. Maybe I'm overreacting a little: (
  • I'm new to this so excuse me if it doesn't appear on the screen right... I don't really need support so I guess I worded it wrong probably just in my feelings a little, I'm the baby of the family so I'm used to attention. I just want them to be more involved I have financial and emotional support I just want my girlfriends to help me with things that I'm doing on my own ,my budget isn't huge so a lot of things I'm doing myself I know they have their own lives and I appreciate them just being a part of our day. Maybe I'm overreacting a little: (
    Look, I'm the baby of my family too (by 10+ years) and at some point, the used to attention thing doesn't work anymore in adult life. You have to grow out of that asap. You're getting married - you don't get to be the baby anymore. 

    But what if they don't want to be involved in your wedding? What if they aren't into all the details? They can be into you as a person but not into your wedding - that is possible. Honestly, I hate planning my own wedding. I come on this site to ask silly wedding questions of these wise ladies instead of bothering my friends with it. It's a win-win, I get to talk about my wedding all the time without harassing my friends. 

    Yes, you are overreacting. Your new mantra is "No one will care as much about my wedding as I I will - and that's ok." You get a day, you don't get months. I find that if I don't update my friends on my wedding, they're more likely to ask how planning is going anyway. I asked a friend of mine to go look at BM dresses the other day but she had a soccer game to attend instead. No big deal. I'll show her pictures later. It's about life - not about your wedding. They aren't being bad friends - they just aren't into weddings. 
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  • I think the flowers are a great way to have your MOHs stand out without it being too obvious.  I know someone who got married and had two MOHs.  Her bouquet was all white, the BMs were all yellow, and the MOHs were a mix of white and yellow.  It was very tasteful.

    How much support you get in your life won't increase just because you're getting married.  It stays the same.  People who care about you will stand by you for the big things, but not all the little things that you'd like.  However, we're here!  Don't hesitate to come here with questions!  I've learned to love this community and have gotten a lot of great advice and support here.  People here are generally eager to help!  :)

  • I also agree with changing the MOH flowers a little. My BMs have white and green bouquets while mine will be alot of blue with a little white and green. So for my MOH it will be white and green with a little blue!
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  • OK thanks everyone for your help you don't know how much you have helped me:-) I will let this be the end of the bridesmaid subject...I will definitely need help with a few other things my wedding is in September so times winding down its good to know there's a place I can go to with all of my wedding questions when my fiance is less than thrilled about the little details. Oh and I'm definitely not worried about anyone being mean I know when to put my big girl panties on!
  • I understand how you could need female support, my husband works every other month in Australia, my mother is no help with emotional support.  As a women you need support and reassurance. I am a mother of two. i don't ask for support with my children or my wedding, but i secretly wish someone would notice that i am having a rough time.  It can be lonely when you do not have your friends perspectives, thankfully i am so lucky to have awesome friends, although i am 32 and i think the friends i have now are with me forever!!
  • niki&rob said:
    I understand how you could need female support, my husband works every other month in Australia, my mother is no help with emotional support.  As a women you need support and reassurance. I am a mother of two. i don't ask for support with my children or my wedding, but i secretly wish someone would notice that i am having a rough time.  It can be lonely when you do not have your friends perspectives, thankfully i am so lucky to have awesome friends, although i am 32 and i think the friends i have now are with me forever!!
    oops, he's not my husband yet, i've been calling him that since we've had babies
  • I agree with all of the previous responses. Do not throw your own shower. You never know, your or your FI's mother, grandmother, aunt, cousin, coworker, friend may throw you a shower. I know that my wonderful soon to be MIL told me one day when we were talking about wedding stuff that if no one else threw me a shower she, her mom and her SIL would. I never even said anything about someone throwing me one, she just offered right on the spot. My mother lives about 4 1/2 hours away, as does the rest of my family, which is quite small. My FI's family is much bigger and are all in the area we live in now, so it is more likely that I would have a shower thrown by someone in his family. But I'm not concerned about it. I have a great big loving family that I consider to already include his family, and that's all that matters! :) You have a man that loves you, smile! 

    My MOH is 13 hours away. She physically can't help me with anything, except for being a sound board for me to fire ideas at. I am also her MOH, and I do the same for her. As long as you have a strong relationship with your MOHs, don't worry about them helping with the wedding. If someone offers help you can take it, but don't ask for it. You may even have friends that are not in the WP offer to help with things like DIY projects.

    As far as wanting the MOHs to be different, they don't have to be, but I think that the best suggestion I have seen is to make the bouquets a little different. You could change the flowers up or maybe use a different colored ribbon around them or something like that. Do you already have one specific dress in mind for all of your BMs? You said you were considering having the MOH dresses be a different style, but keep in mind that the same style dress may not fit everyone correctly. What I mean is, my sister is 4'11" with little bust to speak of, and my MOH is 5'8" with a DDDD. Needless to say body types can cause some trouble when trying to pick out the same dress for all members of the WP haha. Ultimately it is up to you, but my suggestion would be if you want different dresses I would have all of the BMs have a dress that fits them and their body type the best. My plan is I have a color, length, and type of fabric, and I am letting the girls pick between the several styles that all fall into that category. That way they are comfortable AND look good :) But, also keep in mind that maybe your MOHs don't WANT to stand out from the rest. Have you asked them about it? It may make them feel uncomfortable. Just a suggestion to think about. 

    And with the planning and asking questions, TRUST ME girl I have come on to this site countless times! Even if I don't make my own posts I cruise through different sections looking to see what others have posted. Odds are someone has posted similar questions to what you have. I recognize several of the screen names of posters here and some of them are ones who I feel have greatly helped me with advice. Trust them to be honest with you. They don't know you as a person so they will not be biased one way or the other. 

    I hope you get everything figured out! Remember, don't stress -  smile! :)
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