Scared and confused, could use some advice to sort out my thoughts (very long)

Re: Scared and confused, could use some advice to sort out my thoughts (very long)

• bethsmiles member

  

  June 2013

  I haven't experienced what you are feeling but I do get panic attacks. Especially when something big is going on in my life.
  
  Moving in with someone and getting engaged (even talking about getting engaged) are HUGE life steps. And a lot of women experience some anxiety over these life changes - I've read countless threads on TK written by women who are nervous about taking this big step in their lives. And then of course the fact that they are nervous makes them even more concerned and nervous. So take some deep breaths and know that you are not alone in this at all.
  
  If you have a therapist I'd suggest talking to him/her about this. It's a big change but just because you are nervous doesn't mean you don't want it. You might just need a little extra help getting to a point where you are ready, especially if your anxiety is brought on by change.
  

  
  

  
  

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• KeptInStitches member

  

  June 2013

  I agree with beth and Sak, but would add that you could ask him to hold off on more than one major life change at a time. Maybe that would help lower your stress level.

  

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• astimmel member

  

  June 2013

  laurenb09 said:

  KeptInStitches said:

  I agree with beth and Sak, but would add that you could ask him to hold off on more than one major life change at a time. Maybe that would help lower your stress level.

  This.  I think that if we waited until we got married to move in together, I would have lost my shit.
  

  
  Yeah, I think that's probably a big part of it. We both agree that we want to live together for at least a year before we get married, and when he mentioned both things in the same weekend it made me feel overwhelmed and like he intended to take both big steps rightthisminute. Don't get me wrong, I did a bit of Squee-ing after we looked at rings, but it was just such a surprise (he wouldn't tell me where we were going) that I ended up being uncomfortable while we looked around.

  Thankfully he knows about my anxiety attacks and is all too familiar with how to help me through them, so I think he'll be understanding when we talk tonight. It's weird - based on the size of my Pinterest wedding board, you never would have guessed that I'd be the one to freak out.

  Thanks for the advice, guys!

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• bethsmiles member

  

  June 2013

  astimmel said:

  laurenb09 said:

  KeptInStitches said:

  I agree with beth and Sak, but would add that you could ask him to hold off on more than one major life change at a time. Maybe that would help lower your stress level.

  This.  I think that if we waited until we got married to move in together, I would have lost my shit.
  

  
  Yeah, I think that's probably a big part of it. We both agree that we want to live together for at least a year before we get married, and when he mentioned both things in the same weekend it made me feel overwhelmed and like he intended to take both big steps rightthisminute. Don't get me wrong, I did a bit of Squee-ing after we looked at rings, but it was just such a surprise (he wouldn't tell me where we were going) that I ended up being uncomfortable while we looked around.

  Thankfully he knows about my anxiety attacks and is all too familiar with how to help me through them, so I think he'll be understanding when we talk tonight. It's weird - based on the size of my Pinterest wedding board, you never would have guessed that I'd be the one to freak out.

  Thanks for the advice, guys!

  Haha...well day-dreaming is different than it actually happening I think you'll feel a lot better after talking with your BF about still needing to take things one step at a time.
  

  
  

  
  

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• mcmcmd member

  

  June 2013

  I totally get where you're coming from. I'm a bit crazy with self-imposed timelines and I found it really stressful to look at rings (and I squeeeeed and have a huge pinterest board, too) even though BF and I have lived together for a year and a half! Take everything at whatever pace feels right to you and just explain your feelings to BF. 

  
  

  
  

  Maybe if you decide to move in together you can focus your energy on finding a great apartment/couch/shower curtain etc. instead of rings-- it's still making a big decision together but less stressful than talking about moving in together AND getting engaged. 

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• buddysmom80 member

  

  June 2013

  @astimmel I totally understand what you're going through. I had a complete meltdown when BF and I moved in together. It took me a couple of months to adjust to living together and knowing our routines, habits, etc. I focused a lot on setting up the house and doing little projects here and there to get my mind off of things.

  TBH, when BF brought up we should look at e-rings I didn't believe him until he told me "we're doing it Saturday before vacation". I drank a lot of wine that day because I was so anxious. I know I should be excited, but it's a big step for us. After shopping for a while the anxiety kind of ended. We're going again tomorrow, and I'm not stressing it at all.

  I think for me, I can't believe at 32 my life is finally going in a direction that I like, and it kind of scares the crap out of me. Or I think that something bad is going to happen and everything is going to blow up in my face (which happened to me twice before).

   

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  June 2013

  I can relate to the panic attack when moving in. It happened to right as I was closing the door to my apartment for the final time and I just lost it.  That night when everyone had left and it was just me and SO standing in a room full of boxes and chaos, I cried thinking I made a mistake. I felt silly about it the next morning.
  
  My fears were much likes yours with leaving my comfort zone area; I had been living alone in my apartment for almost five years, I was nervous that SO was going to regret moving in because he was leaving his comfort zone and it dawn on me that I was leaving a part of my life to start a new chapter, living with him and building our life together. Very scary, but totally worth it after we made the new apartment ours.
  

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• loves2shop4shoes member

  

  June 2013

  I don't think it's living together that's causing the anxiety.  I think it's the change and the potential significance of that change.

  I too suffer from anxiety, as well as intermittent depression and PTSD.  When H and I first moved in together, in an apartment whose lease's name we were both on, I experienced some anxiety during the signing of the lease.  And I had several panic attacks and picked fights for the first week we lived together.

  In my mind, if something went wrong with the relationship, I had nowhere to "run" if we were living together.  And that's what caused my anxiety.

  That being said, I don't think it's healthy to allow your anxiety to prevent your relationship from its natural progression.  I think you should communicate with your BF about how you're feeling (both the rational and irrational parts), and seek some counseling during the transition times.  Don't let your anxiety rule your life.  Let your life rule your anxiety.

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• astimmel member

  

  June 2013

  loves2shop4shoes said:

  I don't think it's living together that's causing the anxiety.  I think it's the change and the potential significance of that change.

  I too suffer from anxiety, as well as intermittent depression and PTSD.  When H and I first moved in together, in an apartment whose lease's name we were both on, I experienced some anxiety during the signing of the lease.  And I had several panic attacks and picked fights for the first week we lived together.

  In my mind, if something went wrong with the relationship, I had nowhere to "run" if we were living together.  And that's what caused my anxiety.

  That being said, I don't think it's healthy to allow your anxiety to prevent your relationship from its natural progression.  I think you should communicate with your BF about how you're feeling (both the rational and irrational parts), and seek some counseling during the transition times.  Don't let your anxiety rule your life.  Let your life rule your anxiety.

  @loves2shop4shoes, I think you totally nailed it. I don't like not having a backup. I buy 3 bottles of shampoo and conditioner at a time so I have enough if one runs out, FFS. My parents live nearby (up to ~40 min away depending on where we'd move), so having a place to go in case things don't work out isn't too much of an issue. It's more that I like to have "me" time alone in my apartment, and the thought of not being able to leave and go home when I need to do that makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic.

  @buddysmom80, I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm 27 and I never actually thought I'd get to this point in a relationship (the anxiety kept me from being comfortable enough to date until I was out of college), and now that it's materialized it's just a huge shock and I don't know what to do next.

  I know that a big part of controlling my anxiety is taking very small steps and focus on only one thing at a time. So I think you guys are right in that it would help to concentrate on fixing up the house and decorating it, and just focusing on making it "our" place so that when the panic stops I'll already feel like I'm home.

  I didn't really get to talk to him last night because his sister and neice were there, so I'm hoping to do it tonight. Thank you so so so much for all of your advice! It's such a huge relief to know I'm not the only one who's felt like this.

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• astimmel member

  

  June 2013

  UPDATE: Hooray!!  He actually called me at work because he was worried he freaked me out. He reassured me that he wasn't thinking of acting on the moving thing for at least another year, and that he just mentioned it for the sake of getting it out there for both of us to think about.

  As for the engagement ring, he said it's something he'd been thinking about for awhile and since it will take some planning and saving he figured he'd at least find out what style I like.

  He's seen my Pinterest wedding board (I swear I didn't force him to. More like over-the-shoulder glances while I pinned stuff) and I was worried that everything I was looking at made him feel pressured. I explained that I'm not planning for reality (not even close), and I honestly just like looking at pretty things, and that it in no way reflects my actual internal timeline for major life events. He said he knew that, and that it wasn't making him feel pressured at all.

  In Summary:  I freaked out. We talked. There was much reassuring done by both sides, and we are now back on the same page.

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• KeptInStitches member

  

  June 2013

  Woo! I'm glad to hear that.

  

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• Jessica41381 member

  

  June 2013

  I actually had no anxiety when my fiancé and I moved into our house together. It's been smooth sailing for us but I know moving it does cause anxiety for some. I think I'm just one of those people that doesn't get stressed. I think it's great that you were open about how you were feeling and you both are agreeing that its not happening yet.

  

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• bethsmiles member

  

  June 2013

  I'm glad things worked out for you! Good communication with your SO is awesome
  

  
  

  
  

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