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Domestic Abuse & Marriage??

aquari0216aquari0216 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
edited June 2013 in African American Weddings

While wishing congratulations to two of my close friends on new engagements; Id  also learned that one of my friends and her fiancé had had (from what she disclosed)a 'couple' physical altercations (one of which she said she started). Saying that they are planning counseling (separate and premarital), do you ladies think its possible to eventually lead a healthy relationship; a healthy marriage. They both have children and I myself was close to one a while ago. I was brought up in that type of household and vowed I wouldn't subject my children to that so we sought counseling and tho we still have curves, I stay prayerful. I always thought that once a violence begins in a relationship, it would only get worse BUT is this true. I remember hearing my family talk about how one of my great uncles would always beat my great aunt but then one day (it seems) he just became the loving husband he should've been (rest his soul). I also believe it takes the heart a while to catch up with what the mind feels. I remember my friend a while ago saying she wouldn't stand for violence in her relationship (per a convo we had long ago on ideal marriages) but I recently hear that you two have fought and now youre engaged? That's always been a red flag for me but should it depend on the situation? I learned a while ago to stay in my place and we cant see what she sees looking from the outside in so I gave her a congrats and opinion and left it at that. Told her I would always be as supportive as I could. Thoughts?

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Re: Domestic Abuse & Marriage??

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    leatbaleatba member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    I personally don't think the household will be healthy. I agree with staying in your place though. "If she likes it I love it." Just prepare to be there for her without the "I told you so"
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    drmass2013drmass2013
    First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    This issue hits pretty close to home for me. First off as counselor I am glad that they are seeking counseling, as a counselor and growing up in a violent household I am very avid about couples seeking counseling. I do not condone any type of violence but sometimes they are underlying issues. In my case,I grew up in a loving household but when I turned about 8 years old things changed. My parents fought all the time and it got very very physical. The cops were regulars at my house but then days later my dad would be the fun loving man he always was. I never knew what it was that set my dad off like that. It was like he did a complete 360 and turned into this monster.When I was 16 my dad cut my mother and was then that I found out that my dad was addicted to crack cocaine. I never knew that until he told me while he was serving 8 years in prison. I've also had a few clients who have had domestic violence issues and some of them were pretty intense, but they try to work it out and in session we find that there are some serious underlying issues that both parties have worked on last I checked one of my clients was having much better time managing her anger and they are having a better marriage. The violence can get worse and I always say if either one of them feel that they are in great danger LEAVE AND LET IT GO!!! But you're right sometimes the heart take awhile to catch up with the mind.If also had this issue with a friend and after her and her now husband sought counseling there were some childhood issues he went through that she never knew about.  I agree with staying in your place and being supportive, that's what good friends are for. Only they can work on it being a healthy relationship even though right now it seems like it may be to a rocky start with all the fights and all. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    @ drmass - girl well said! What a powerful testimony. Aquari thats a tough one luvie. Lemme start by saying prayers for your friend, this may be a very challenging time in her life. Second, I've got zero experience with this so all this is is my opinion. I would take my girl by the hand and tell her that i'm happy if she's happy and that it's ok if everything isnt perfect all the time and that sometimes we just need to hear somebody who loves us give us permission to admit that and ask for help if they need to, no judgment, open arms, open heart, a listening ear. I'd tell her I love her and ask her to ask herself if this was the man she imagined when she dreamt of a husband. Then I'd hug it out and tell her I was in her corner.

    As for healthy, that's really up to the abuser, violence almost never DE-escalates. If he wants to be different and takes the steps to make changes, it can be better but if your question is, is it possible to have a healthy relstionship with a man who has struck you before, assuming he makes no effort to address and repair that my answer's absolutely not. As drmass demonstrated in her post, violence is the consequence, he'd need to fix the cause.

    And because I havent talked enough, lol, what she said about causing it? Utter bullshit. You can pick at a muffucah all you want to, he isnt going to hit you unless. Its. In. Him. To. Hit. You.
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    aquari0216aquari0216 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    @drmass and @sultryzulu thanks ladies for your thoughts....this situation has really had me wondering..its nice to know theres 'hope'...in a sense but like Zulu stated I think a man wont hit u unless its in him....
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    nursing2unursing2u member
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    Aquari. I have been re ally thinking about this for the past 24hrs.. I actually stopped writing a reply yesterday. And am back now..

    you know my story. .. and I know u wanna b a friend and have her back... uugghhhh. This is tough... ok.. I have to come back again... I am feelin somekindaway about this
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    tirathemrstirathemrs member
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    aquari0216 My first thought is Pray Pray Pray for your friend and as others have said be there for her she will need you if only just as a listening ear (without judgement of course). People often go through things because of confidence and/or lack of, im hoping it doesnt get worse. But again at this point you can only be a friend, she will leave or try to make it better when she wants to and not when we think its best for her. I had a friend that knew this girl that went through the same thing (hayle i think shes still with her husband), my friend was telling me that the girl would get missing (no calls) for a couple of days only to find out later that her and her hubby had gotten into a altercation (i never asked how bad it was) but he was super jealous and didnt want her to have any friends (women or men)...he even went as far as to tell her to not ever call my friend again like it was crazy but i told her as i told you, she will get out of it when she is ready and all you can do is be there for her..
    I pray they are able to work this out with counseling and hopefully they can really and truly move on from this but one thing for sure you have to be there for her and give her non biased opinions because shes gonna need you!

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