Bachelorette Issues!!!

Re: Bachelorette Issues!!!

• AddieCake member

  

  April 2013 edited April 2013

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelorette-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:094f0112-1765-45a5-abb2-b8c71f9feddfPost:8da4f1c0-f4d0-4103-a02b-2adf34607a86">Bachelorette Issues!!!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Hi, so I have some questions and concerns for everyone here on the Knot.  I would appreciate any feedback!  My wedding is June 29, 2013. <strong> I am still working on getting the bachelorette party planned </strong>but one of the main problems is that my MOH is my sister and she is only 20.  She is having a really hard time planning for later on in the evening when we all want to go to dinner and drink.<strong>  I have hinted at my 3 other bridesmaids for ideas and no one seems to really care or want to help</strong>.  I am not asking them to stop their lives for me or contribute a lot of money but it really bothers me that no one seems to want to help.  I feel really discouraged. <strong> I feel like wedding blogs, boards, and websites have led me astray with what bridesmaids should/should not help me with.  What exactly is a bridesmaid supposed to help with? </strong> I see people's posts on here saying they should help plan the bridal shower and bachelorette and I see other posts that say that bridesmaids aren't obligated to do anything but stand with me and look good.  I, as a friend would personally get excited over planning a party for one of my friends and would do anything I could to help, but I guess that probably doesn't apply to me.  My bridesmaids did not plan the bridal shower at all and it was planned and hosted by my grandma and great aunt at my grandma's house. <strong> My bridesmaids showed up 2 HOURS LATE. </strong> I was super upset but I tried not to let it get to me, it would have been different if they were just guests but they are my BRIDESMAIDS at least show up on time. :( <strong>Also, one of my bridesmaids scheduled her bachelorette party June 1st, a few weeks before my wedding and her wedding isn't until September.  I am super confused as to why it had to be scheduled then instead of July or August. </strong> <strong>One of her bridesmaids already has the whole day planned.  I feel like my BM is trying to upstage me and overshadow me. </strong> I am super upset and I'm not sure if this even sounds rational.  I feel so unimportant. <strong> I am turning to family and people that aren't in the bridal party to help me plan to at least get some ideas, basic financial layout, and to help it all run smoothly. </strong> I understand that my bridesmaids are busy and live in different cities than I do but I feel like maybe they could help out a little more and be more involved.  I don't want to hurt their feelings but I don't want my heart to be broken either.  I am one lost, sad, emotional, and hurt bride. 
  Posted by annadohm[/QUOTE]<div>You shouldn't be planning your own bachelorette party, and nobody is obligated to plan or help plan one for you. If they don't seem interested, stop asking them. <div>
  </div><div>You're correct. You HAVE been led astray by blogs and magazines.  A bridesmaid's only responsibilities are to show up sober and on time and in the right clothes for the wedding. Everything else is optional. If they volunteer to do stuff, great. If not, let it go. I'm like you. I like helping, too, and I had great bridesmaids who wanted and volunteered to do all kinds of stuff. But not everyone is like that. </div><div>
  </div><div>They were not obligated to be at the shower. It's a bummer that they were late, but you have to remember people have lives, and they do not revolve around your wedding. As for her having her bachelorette party then, perhaps that is when it works for her and her group. She is getting married, too, and has things to do and does not have to plan around you. Just b/c one of her bridesmaids has a great day planned for her party does not mean SHE is trying to upstage you. It just means her friend is more into this party planning thing than yours are. </div><div>
  </div><div>Nobody will ever care about your wedding as much as you do. You have to just let these things go. </div><div>
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  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  April 2013

  All those other wedding websites that list duties for bridesmaids are wrong. I saw one that listed 'helping the bride pack for the honeymoon' as one of the MOHs duties. Can you imagine? Why would a grown women think that the ring on her finger obligates her friends to free labor. 

  
  

  No one is obligated to throw parties for you, not even your wedding party. That's the bad news. The good news is that your sister is doing her best to put something together for you. That's so nice of her. You should be gracious enough to accept whatever it is that she has planned. Stay out of the planning. 

  
  

  Tardiness is one of my pet peeves. I agree that your bms were rude to show up 2 hours late for your shower, unless they had informed the host of some kind of scheduling conflict. But what can you do about it? Nothing. It would be even ruder for you to point out their rudeness in front of your guests. So you should just let it go. 

  
  

  
  

   

                     

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  May 2013

  In Response to Bachelorette Issues!!!:
  [QUOTE]

   Also, one of my bridesmaids scheduled her bachelorette party June 1st, a few weeks before my wedding and her wedding isn't until September.  I am super confused as to why it had to be scheduled then instead of July or August.  One of her bridesmaids already has the whole day planned.  I feel like my BM is trying to upstage me and overshadow me.  
  Posted by annadohm[/QUOTE]

  
  

  Are you invited to this bp? This could possibly be surprise bp for you. Or this may be the only day that worked out for the other bride and her wedding party. In either case, please be a good sport and don't suggest that she is trying to upstage you. 

  
  

  
  
  

                     

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• stampadhesive member

  

  May 2013

  I disagree with the posts.  I do feel that your bridal party, as your friends, should help out with your bridal party and bachelorette party.  In this day in age, I disagree with the etiquette that the bride should not have to pay for any of it.  If you are going out of town for any events, you should help pay your way.  I would ask your maid of honor and next closest bridesmaid what you think they want to do for your bachelorette party, and go with whatever they say.  If they want to do a club that allows under 21s so your sister can attend, go with it.  But say, I know bachelorette parties can be expensive.  I don't mind paying for my drinks.  I just want everyone to get together and have a good time.

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• msdds51 member

  

  June 2013

  I agree with stampadhesive.  You are not "entitled" to a party, but they are your friends and you picked them because you thought they'd love to do all this stuff for/with you!  I would ask your closest BM friend directly if she could take over where your sister needs to be left off because of her age.  People can't read minds.  They may just have no idea how your feeling.  Be direct.  If they are still putting you down and not really helping, maybe they weren't the best choice in BMs.

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• LMWK84

  

  June 2013

  Wow, I'm kind of surprised by all the responses telling this girl to just get over it and that her friends don't have an obligation to throw her a bridal party/bachelorette.  She doesn't sound like a bridezilla demanding everyone drop thousands of dollars to go to Vegas, she just wants a little support/acknowledgement from the people who are supposed to be her closest friends.  Honestly, I'd be pretty bummed if my bridesmaids showed up 2 hours late to my shower, that is pretty rude in my opinion unless there is a good reason.

  That being said, I don't think she should cut these girls off from her life or demand they throw her a party.  Maybe going to dinner with them one-on-one and asking about what is going on in their lives would help -- are they having an unexpected financial problem that they didn't want to mention?  Has a family illness come up, etc.  Also, maybe mention that you'd like to do something special with the girls before you get married (hit toward a bachelorette party) and make clear that you don't want to put a burden on them to spend a lot of $$.  Do you think they could plan something with your sister that is a low key wine and pizza girls' night with fun games at someone's house or rent a cheap hotel room? 

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• Matt&Amanda2014 member

  

  June 2013

  I disagree. I'm all about helping make my friend's special day and event a good time. If my bridesmaids were flaky as all hell and late to stuff I'd ask them to step down.

  They seem unreliable and that is not something that I look for in a close personal friend. People have lives, but they also have date books so they can organize those lives.

  Everyone on this page would feel like crap if your bridesmaids showed up late to your parties are seemed uninterested and unavailable for you during your wedding planning.

  Remember to share your day with the people that mean the most to you, if your bridesmaids can't make time or don't feel the same, Forget 'bout 'em!

  ps. goodluck.

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• ambercarter123

  

  June 2013

  I sympathize with you for the bridesmaids not showing up on time. It's important to consider the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If your bridesmaids showed up two hours late to a bridal shower, chances are they are not going to be proactive about planning a bachelorette party for you without first talking with them about expectations. It does sounds like your sister is doing what she can to help, so maybe she could put together something at her house and bring the drinks and fun there s it's easier for her to plan. I also don't think it's bad to help plan yourself- the whole point of a bachelorette is to celebrate with your friends before you get married so why not frame it as a get-together with friends like someone else suggested? I would just say to make sure you have one while still engaged, even if it does mean getting involved yourself to make it happen.  Think about it this way: it would be really unacceptable to throw one after you are already married/regret not ever having one, but I don't think anyone would object to you getting involved in planning pre-wedding if you were to help front the expense. 

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• Abbyjensen member

  

  June 2013

  Let's take a step back and see if we can try to see this from the BM point of view

  
  

  They were late to the bridal shower. Maybe they were busy. Maybe they felt slighted that your family planned it and they wanted to plan it. Maybe they were uncomfortable because it was mostly your family there and they wouldn't know anyone. Maybe they didn't want to show up alone because they felt awkward that this was at the grandma's house. Sometimes people get shy about attending social events. Maybe they wanted to plan the bridal shower but didn't want to step on Grandma's toes. Maybe they would have but weren't sure if they should. Bottom line: Who knows. 

  
  

  Nobody is obligated to help plan your wedding, but sometimes female family members are ALL ABOUT planning the wedding. The bride can have difficulty with that, and when I have been a bridesmaid, I have always, always defaulted to what the family members decide to do with regards to showers. 

  
  

  Maybe the other bridesmaids don't want to step on your sister's toes with regards to planning the bachelorette party, especially because it's your sister, and not a mutual friend. 

  
  

  Further, your bridesmaids don't care about your wedding as much as you do. Assuming they are friends, they care about YOU. They were your friend pre-wedding, they will be your friend post-wedding. They probably care about your wedding a little bit, but to them, it's not a HUGE deal. It's something going on in their friend's life. One day is not significant in the months/years you've been friends and will continue to be friends. Also, because this isn't their wedding, they might just not think about it. It might not even enter their minds. I'm sure all of them have a lot of stuff going on in their own lives, too.

  
  

  I'm not lecturing you on etiquette because I think you are just speaking emotionally... but bottom line: don't take it personally. 

  
  

  Your wedding will be great because you're marrying someone you love. That's what's important. 

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• Amsdragonfly member

  

  July 2013

  I agree, Retread. Abby Jensen's post was perfect- nothing else needs to be said on this topic. 

  

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• PrimRoseMama member

  

  July 2013

  annadohm said:

  I would appreciate any feedback!  
  Ok, please remember that you said this...

  
  

  I have hinted at my 3 other bridesmaids for ideas and no one seems to really care or want to help. You should not be hinting at anything. A Bridal Shower is an honor and not a right. Same with the Bachelorette Party. If someone wants to and can afford to throw you one then they do it. However, expecting one seems bratty to me. 

  
  

  I feel like wedding blogs, boards, and websites have led me astray with what bridesmaids should/should not help me with.  What exactly is a bridesmaid supposed to help with?
  Truthfully the only thing the bridesmaids and bridal party is responsible is the dress, shoes and showing up sober. The rest is really icing on the cake. Me personally? I love being part of the bridal party and organizing the Bridal Shower, and Batchelorette Party. That is my personal preference though and not every MOH or Bridal party is required to throw you parties. Again, expecting it is not necessarily a crime, but it makes you seem bratty when you complain about it. 

  
  

  My bridesmaids did not plan the bridal shower at all and it was planned and hosted by my grandma and great aunt at my grandma's house. Again, they are not required to do anything. Someone hosted your Shower and you are still complaining? I would urge you to show some appreciation for what you DO have vs. what you've not got. 

  
  

  Also, one of my bridesmaids scheduled her bachelorette party June 1st, a few weeks before my wedding and her wedding isn't until September.  I am super confused as to why it had to be scheduled then instead of July or August.  One of her bridesmaids already has the whole day planned.  I feel like my BM is trying to upstage me and overshadow me.
  Other people are allowed to celebrate, get engaged, get married-- you name it the same YEAR as you. Everyone is allowed their own limelight. I very seriously doubt that this person is trying to upstage you. Its just the way it worked out for them scheduling wise. Not everything is about you or your wedding. 

  
  Please take a step back and realize how self centered/bratty/spoiled you sound in this post. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying that because you need the wake up call. Its not becoming and you need to take the time to take stock of the positive things in your life, KWIM?

  ~* Matron of Honor *~
  
  

  

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