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Best friend doesn't like my fiance... should I include her in bridal party?

My fiance and I got off to a rocky start at the beginning of our relationship.  But now it has been loving and wonderful and I can't wait to marry him.  However, my best friend never warmed back up to him.  He doesn't like her.  She doesn't like him.  It's a mutual disdain.  She says she is happy that I'm getting married, but I know she's just being nice.  I want her to be apart of my wedding but I think it's hypocritical to make her a bridesmaid.  Would hostess better suit the situation or just a mere guest?  What would y'all do?  I don't want to lose a friend... she should be understanding... right?

Re: Best friend doesn't like my fiance... should I include her in bridal party?

  • itzMSitzMS
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    My fiance and I got off to a rocky start at the beginning of our relationship.  But now it has been loving and wonderful and I can't wait to marry him.  However, my best friend never warmed back up to him.  He doesn't like her.  She doesn't like him.  It's a mutual disdain.  She says she is happy that I'm getting married, but I know she's just being nice.  I want her to be apart of my wedding but I think it's hypocritical to make her a bridesmaid.  Would hostess better suit the situation or just a mere guest?  What would y'all do?  I don't want to lose a friend... she should be understanding... right?


    When will your wedding be? Wait to ask your bridal party until about 10 months out.

    If your relationship is not where you want it to be at that point, invite her as a guest.

    BTW...what would she do a "hostess"? You and your FI and the host and hostess of your reception (along with whomever is footing the bill).

    daisey18wittykitty14
  • What does a hostess do? That seems like a made up title.  She's not hosting your wedding. Just have her be a guest if you don't want her in your bridal party.  But don't let your FI's opinion of her make you not want her standing next to you. Honestly, if someone didn't support my marriage, I probably wouldn't choose them as a BM.  And if I didn't support someone's marriage, I would be relieved not to be asked to stand up and pretend that I did. How long has it been since this 'rocky start'? Just curious.

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    I agree with PP that is your wedding is far out, wait to ask your BP. Relationships change, even the ones that you think never will.

    I don't think anyone should be a part of the wedding if they don't actually support the couple getting married. If you don't believe she truly supports your decision to marry your FI then don't ask her to be a BM. Just invite her as a guest, don't make up a role for her.


  • Also, to throw a little more into this, my best friend dated a guy that I didn't like for years.  He was awful.  They fought constantly, and it wasn't just him that treated her like crap-- it sort of went both ways.  I told my now FI that I was terrified if they got married that she'd ask me if I would be a BM and I just didn't feel comfortable doing that when I didn't support the relationship.  They just weren't right for each other (and thankfully broke up later).   If your friend is anything like I was, she may not even be comfortable with the idea of standing up next to you during your ceremony. This may go both ways.

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  • This is a personal response rather than an etiquette response, but: I've been asked to be in a wedding where I was friends with the bride but disliked the groom.  I agreed to be in it despite my better judgement, and I found it very awkward and uncomfortable.  I mean, I had a great time doing all the girly stuff with my friend, like the bachelorette party and dress shopping, but the wedding itself was very uncomfortable for me.  I ended up more or less cutting off my friendship with the couple because they moved away and it was no longer really possible to see my friend without her husband, and I just kinda feel bad about the whole thing, like I was in their wedding under false pretenses or something.

    A guest is never "mere," by the way.  It's always an honor to invite someone to your wedding, and no one should ever be insulted at not being asked to be in the bridal party.  I don't know what being a "hostess" means in your circle, but in mine it's a role that is NOT an honor (and kind of an insult).  Could you maybe just invite your friend dress shopping/to your shower/to your b-party/whatever, and invite her to the wedding as a guest?  I know that's what I would have preferred when I was in your friend's shoes.

    NYCMercedeswittykitty14
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    LMc0322 said:
    Also, to throw a little more into this, my best friend dated a guy that I didn't like for years.  He was awful.  They fought constantly, and it wasn't just him that treated her like crap-- it sort of went both ways.  I told my now FI that I was terrified if they got married that she'd ask me if I would be a BM and I just didn't feel comfortable doing that when I didn't support the relationship.  They just weren't right for each other (and thankfully broke up later).   If your friend is anything like I was, she may not even be comfortable with the idea of standing up next to you during your ceremony. This may go both ways.
    Agreed. A friend of mine was in that situation a couple years ago where she was praying that the bride wouldn't ask her to be a BM because she was very much against their relationship for a lot of very valid reasons. The couple ending up breaking up anyway though.


  • itzMSitzMS
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    LMc0322 said:
    Also, to throw a little more into this, my best friend dated a guy that I didn't like for years.  He was awful.  They fought constantly, and it wasn't just him that treated her like crap-- it sort of went both ways.  I told my now FI that I was terrified if they got married that she'd ask me if I would be a BM and I just didn't feel comfortable doing that when I didn't support the relationship.  They just weren't right for each other (and thankfully broke up later).   If your friend is anything like I was, she may not even be comfortable with the idea of standing up next to you during your ceremony. This may go both ways.


    ITA with this. Some mutual friends got married in 2009 (I liked them both, but hated them as a couple). Everyone in the wedding party was just gritting their teeth throughout the ceremony. It was kind of pathetic. They were divorced within 7 months.

    Not to say, OP, that you and your FI aren't right for one another...but it's important to consider all factors when a friend dislikes your future husband.

  • If you want her to be in your wedding, ask her to stand up for you. If you don't want her to be in your wedding, do not ask her (and don't give her a poop job like "hostess" whatever that is).

    If she doesn't want to, she can say "no, FutureShreiner, I don't support your relationship with FI because of what he did to you, so I hope you understand that I don't want to be in the wedding party."
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    harper0813
  • Also, this could lead to very awkward moments.  I went to a wedding last year where it seemed clear to everyone that the MOH did not care for the groom.  She gave a very awkward "I'm happy you're happy, bride" speech.  Yikes. (It wasn't nearly as bad as the Best Man's speech, though.  Lots of "ARE YOU SUUUUURE?" comments.  Yikesa.)

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  • edited August 2013
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    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • Thanks for the input.  I was made a "hostess" at a boss's wedding.... basically I stood at the door and passed out programs then helped seat people at the reception.  If you've seen Sex and the City, you saw Miranda as the "guest book" lady.  That was basically what I was.  

    Our wedding is 14 months away so their relationship may change.  I hope.  
    NYCMercedes
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    Thanks for the input.  I was made a "hostess" at a boss's wedding.... basically I stood at the door and passed out programs then helped seat people at the reception.  If you've seen Sex and the City, you saw Miranda as the "guest book" lady.  That was basically what I was.  

    Our wedding is 14 months away so their relationship may change.  I hope.  
    Ew. Don't make her do that. Just wait and see how things are closer to your wedding. If nothing has changed just invite her as a guest.


  • Thanks for the input.  I was made a "hostess" at a boss's wedding.... basically I stood at the door and passed out programs then helped seat people at the reception.  If you've seen Sex and the City, you saw Miranda as the "guest book" lady.  That was basically what I was.  

    Our wedding is 14 months away so their relationship may change.  I hope.  
    What a shit "honor" to give to somebody you supposedly care about. Isn't that what a wedding coordinator does? You know, as part of the job they're being paid for?

  • I was asked to be a BM for a friend who's FI I didn't like. She was my best friend and I absolutely wanted to be there for her big day. I just ignored him. Keep in mind your friend might accept even if she's not a fan of his, just because she doesn't want to let you down.

    I would feel out the next couple months and then decide what is best. Think about if you personally want someone that isn't 100% supportive of your marriage.

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  • I could go both ways on this.

    On one hand, I wouldn't want someone to stand up with me if I knew that they were against my marriage.

    On the other hand, I would want my nearest and dearest up there, regardless of how they felt.  The relationship between me and potential BM is what would matter.

    Since your wedding is 14 months away, I'd wait 4-5 months and see how your relationship is doing at that point.  Good luck!

    Dreamergirl8812
  • Hostess does not sound fun. That would sour your friend toward you and your fiancé even more.

    Being a guest is an honor. And if she does not approve of your relationship, I would not ask her to be a bridesmaid - she will likely end up listening to a lot of fiancé-related stories and anecdotes during the shower, bachelorette party (if you end up having those), rehearsal dinner and then wedding. Don't make her pretend to like hearing them. And if she's a brazen, outspoken girl, it might end in tears and hurt feelings.

    Give it some time, though. I'd wait until 8-10 months to ask her and she might warm up in the several months until then.

  • edited June 2013
    Eh, I was not a fan of my best friend's FI (he was a total jerk to her, but she kept on letting him treat her this way--they are now in the middle of a divorce), but I was a BM in her wedding because I supported HER. It would have killed her if all of us (because every single BM did not like this guy) declined being in her wedding, and frankly she needed our support seeing as what a jerk he was (earlier in the relationship we had all tried to talk to her about this, but she stayed with him).

    Looking back, I am so glad I was a part of her WP and was there for her and showed my support of her as a friend. I just ignored the groom, which was easy to do. She spent most of the night dancing with us anyways instead of him. I had said my piece to her about him earlier in their relationship and there was no reason to try to make a big statement about that on her wedding day. I don't regret for one second being in her wedding.

    So, if you want her to be in your WP because she is an awesome friend, I say ask her. If you don't feel comfortable with that, she can be invited as a guest. Just out of curiosity (if you don't mind), what are the issues she has with your FI? Will this be a problem in your friendship moving forward when you are married?


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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO
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    I disagree. The members of the WP should be in favor of the marriage. They should approve of the union. I see standing up with someone on their wedding day as being symbolic of that support and approval.

    A friend doesn't have to approve or agree with all of your decisions to stay a friend. But asking someone to be in the wedding is asking them to participate in that decision. If they disagree with it they should not be in the wedding.


    Say, your parents don't like your fiance, and don't want you to get married.

    Does that mean you won't have your father walk you down the aisle, even if he's still willing to do so?

    You won't take your mother dress shopping with you, have her attend the bridal shower, even if she's willing to do so, despite her misgivings?

    You won't let them attend the wedding, or do any of the traditional "mother of the bride" and "father of the bride" things, because they don't "approve" of your fiance, and "support" your marriage?

    Your wedding and marriage don't need "support" from anyone.  "Support" is for tragedies, like a miscarriage or a family death.  If your wedding needs "support" from anyone, then your friend is right, and you probably shouldn't be getting married to this person.
    If my parents didn't like my SO to the point of thinking we shouldn't get married and being against it, I probably wouldn't want them to be a part of the wedding. I would still get married because I don't need anyone's permission or support or whatever to get married but I definitely don't want people to be a part of it if they disagree with my decision.

    It's fine with me that we have a difference of opinion. I don't want someone to stand up with me on my wedding day who doesn't think I should be getting married. Not because I need their support to do so but because I don't want them to be a part of something they don't agree with.


  • I personally wouldn't want someone standing with me who doesn't support my decision.  I wouldn't ask her.  I would also wait the 4-5 months as suggested to see if perhaps your FI and best friend can learn to at least respect each other.  They don't have to like each other, but they should be respectful. 

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  • I was in a similar situation as the bridal party member. In the end, I supported my friend's happiness and if he made her happy, then I was happy to stand alongside her. I guess that's how I looked at it.

    I'd give it some more time, until you get closer to the wedding date. Things might change and if they don't, then perhaps she'd enjoy coming as a guest.

    And, yeah, I saw that episode of Sex and the City. I remember how unhappy Miranda was. Don't do that to your friend.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    Thanks for the input.  I was made a "hostess" at a boss's wedding.... basically I stood at the door and passed out programs then helped seat people at the reception.  If you've seen Sex and the City, you saw Miranda as the "guest book" lady.  That was basically what I was.  

    Our wedding is 14 months away so their relationship may change.  I hope.  
    So if you saw that episode of Sex and the City, you'll also know that Miranda felt like it was a shit job she had to perform.  Don't make your friend a hostess.

    Also, you said you and FI had a rocky start.  Did you complain or vent to this friend about how your now FI was treating you?  If the answer is yes, I'm sure your friend can only think about the horrible things your now FI was doing to you.  So yes, she does not like him because of the words that came directly out of your mouth about him.  She does not need to warm up to him, she wants to be wary of him so that she can try to protect you from him if your relationship turns "rocky" again.

    A friend had told me all about a co-worker - how he was a player, blah, blah, blah.  After a few months, she tells me they are dating.  I gave her the warning - you said he was a player why are you doing this, etc.  She said she's keeping her eyes open and seeing where it goes.  He totally turned around from her previous description of him.  I still was wary of him because of the words that came out of her mouth about him. But I also got to know him and realized, yes he turned around from her previous description.  They have been married for 5 years now and have 2 awesome kids.  He's also always offering to help my H & I around the house with our big projects.  He really is a great guy, I just couldn't see it at first.  Maybe the same thing needs to happen with your friend.
    harper0813SuperMinty
  • Having been a BM in this situation, I'm going to have to say don't ask her if she does not approve of the marriage. If you offer it to her, she might feel obligated to be a BM and might not stand up and say that she can't do it. It does sound like she is trying to hold her tongue by saying that she is happy for you. Honestly, If I could go back and redo my experience, I would have turned down being a BM and just went as a guest because I still do not approve of her marriage and as petty as it is, I cannot be around both her and her H because I cannot stand him. Sometimes, feeling just don't change.
  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers
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    edited July 2013

    I also find it ironic that someone who flags simple disagreement as abuse and constantly points out her superior age would think that implying I'm an animal or less than human is an acceptable and adult way to communicate.
    But Staaaaaaaaaaage, she got her mod powers taken away! Surely that gives her a free pass to still do her damnedest to try and get you and Linger banned for no good reason other than she's still not over the fact that she no longer has the chance to swing the Banhammer herself.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • ranzzoranzzo
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    My H's immediate family absolutely hates me, has from day one.  They did not support our marriage.  In fact, his brother was asked not to come to the wedding at all following the bachelor party (we were aware and in fact no longer care that this could end the relationship between H and his brother) yet he showed up anyway and his mother cried to everyone she came across (including people in the wedding party) that she "lost her son."  She then posted pictures of the wedding on FB the next day and incited others to "kick my ass."  The only regret I have about my wedding is allowing these people to attend knowing full well they did not support our union.  However, it was sort of a blessing in disguise as my H was so disgusted with their behavior, he has limited contact with them.  My recommendation is to only have people that support your union in your wedding. 
  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers
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    edited July 2013
    My mod powers were NOT revoked.  All the mods were dismissed at the same time.

    I was not removed as a moderator.  Get your facts straight.

    Oops! I forgot. You wouldn't know one of those if it bit you on the butt.
    I didn't say they were "revoked", I said they were "taken away". Which they were. Please explain to me how that's not what happened. You had mod powers, now you don't. It doesn't matter that every other mod had the same done to them, it's still what happened.

    And you're the only mod that's still acting like a petulant child about it. It was a volunteer position on a wedding message board. It's been several months now since the Knot Gods took over. For somebody that loves to advise how badly people need perspective when they're way too focused on things that really don't matter in life, you seem to be having a really hard time letting go of something that is so inanely trivial in the grand scheme of things.


    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]arrippawittykitty14
  • One wonders how some people manage to walk and breathe at the same time......
    Yes, one really must wonder that sometimes.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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