Script ideas for Tree Unity Ceremony that includes a 10 y/o

bike4life · June 2013

That's what I need. A script that includes a 10 y/o for our tree unity ceremony... suggestions? i can only find ones that say Bride & Groom

itzMS · June 2013

bike4life said:

That's what I need. A script that includes a 10 y/o for our tree unity ceremony... suggestions? i can only find ones that say Bride & Groom

Personally, I would skip this. The marriage is uniting you and your FI and I always find it inappropriate for kids to be involved.

I believe you said the 10 y/o is your stepdaughter? If you insist on doing this, make sure to clear it with the girl's mom first. You could then adapt any "Family Unity Ceremony" wording.

bike4life · June 2013

Well they did it at her mom's wedding without permission of her father and he really wants her involved some how. It's been a rocky road with her and this engagement. She hasn't taken it easy even though she had to know it was coming given we have been together for 5 years.

We were going to do sand but found out that's what her mom and step dad did... the 10 y/o WILL be my stepdaughter.

itzMS · June 2013

bike4life said:

Well they did it at her mom's wedding without permission of her father and he really wants her involved some how. It's been a rocky road with her and this engagement. She hasn't taken it easy even though she had to know it was coming given we have been together for 5 years.

We were going to do sand but found out that's what her mom and step dad did... the 10 y/o WILL be my stepdaughter.

That doesn't mean it's polite for you and your FI to do so.

"Being involved" can be as a flowergirl or bridesmaid. She could also do a reading.

Unity ceremonies really shouldn't involve children, IMHO.

kaos16 · June 2013

bike4life said:

Well they did it at her mom's wedding without permission of her father and he really wants her involved some how. It's been a rocky road with her and this engagement. She hasn't taken it easy even though she had to know it was coming given we have been together for 5 years.

We were going to do sand but found out that's what her mom and step dad did... the 10 y/o WILL be my stepdaughter.

who cares? Just because they did something doesn't make it right. I feel like this mentality between separated/divorced parents and their SOs often do nothing but make the situation more difficult for the children involved.

The problem you are having with difficulty finding something that doesn't just say Bride and Groom is because a wedding ceremony, and therefore any unity type ceremony is between two consenting adults, the bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom!) Children don't need to be and shouldn't be involved because they aren't marrying anyone.

I don't even know what a tree unity ceremony is, but I imagine that if you want to plant a tree as a family, you could do so at your house the day before or after the wedding and say something to the child about how the tree is planted at the time of your wedding so that the family can see it grow and get stronger as the love between all of you as a family will, blah, blah, blah

Jen4948 · June 2013

If it was done without permission of her father, don't you think you should be above that and not do it without her mother's permission?

And even if you have her permission, I'd want to know if this is what your 10 year old wants to do. She, for whatever reason, may well not want to and is only agreeing to do so under pressure from you. Is that really the spirit you want to do this in-forcing her?

This is not to say that if she really does want to do it and her mom is okay with it, you shouldn't, but still, it isn't why your guests are accepting your invitation. I myself wouldn't.

BangBangs39 · June 2013

bike4life said:

Well they did it at her mom's wedding without permission of her father and he really wants her involved some how. It's been a rocky road with her and this engagement. She hasn't taken it easy even though she had to know it was coming given we have been together for 5 years.

We were going to do sand but found out that's what her mom and step dad did... the 10 y/o WILL be my stepdaughter.

I would ask the mothers permission, that way you know that you and your FI were the bigger people in this situation. If she says no, maybe a gentle reminder that she had a unity ceremony at her most recent wedding.

I would also make certain that your soon stepdaughter wants to be involved and doesn't feel pressured.

Once all that is done, any unity script would be sufficient. I recommend looking over commonly used unity scripts and piecing together something with your FI & soon stepdaughter that you all like, that way it's even more special. Good luck!!

KDM323 · June 2013

So basically this child was forced to be a part of her Mother's wedding ceremony and now her Father wants to incorporate her into his wedding ceremony because Mom did it?

Ugh...my heart goes out to the children of divorce that have to deal with this kind of thing.

SHE isn't marrying anyone.

I hate involving kids in marriage ceremonies. They aren't making vows. And they didn't get a say in who their parents are marrying...so leave them out of it.

You and your FI make vows to each other. Give the child a small role in the ceremony IF she wants it (ie. flower girl, BM, let her read something, etc) but don't involve her in vows or a ceremony of any sort. It isn't fair to her.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

Don't make it tit for tat- she did something so now he gets to. It's not fair to your SD. Ask her how she would like to be involved- would she like to help with the tree ceremony? Flower girl? A bridesmaid? (note: don't make her a junior BM). Do a reading?

If you make it about what makes her comfortable rather (than what you and FH want to do to get back at his ex), show her respect, and make a concerted effort to make sure she knows how much you care (via actions - go to her games/meets/recitals, help her with homework, do family things she enjoys) she will be a strong part of your family unit.

Trust me - my dad got remarried when I was 10 and I had to sign as a "witness." I was a smart 10 year old and knew it was stupid to sign the paper because I was only 10 and not 18 (I was 10 going on 36).

MairePoppy · June 2013

I'll bet if you asked the little girl's opinion, she'd tell you she doesn't want to be involved in a contest between her parents. Rise above.

Ask your FSD to be your bridesmaid or his groomsgirl. She'd probably be excited about getting a pretty dress and not having to do anything but walk down the aisle and have her picture taken.

NYCBruin · June 2013

bike4life said:

Well they did it at her mom's wedding without permission of her father and he really wants her involved some how. It's been a rocky road with her and this engagement. She hasn't taken it easy even though she had to know it was coming given we have been together for 5 years.

We were going to do sand but found out that's what her mom and step dad did... the 10 y/o WILL be my stepdaughter.

If this is the case, I feel like forcing her to participate will make the situation worse. If someone had tried to get me to participate in a wedding I was already unhappy was happening when I was 10, I would definitely have done some horrible things to sabotage the ceremony, reception and subsequent marriage.

Forcing her participation won't make her like you any more or make her more ok with your upcoming marriage. Best case scenario she resents you for it. PPs have given you some good suggestions to bond with her. Ask her how she would like to be involved in the ceremony. She'll be much more excited about her role if she gets to pick it.

It sounds like the reason you want her to participate is because she participated in your FI's ex-wife's ceremony. Call me crazy but the last thing I would want at my wedding would be to do something that reminds me/FI of an ex.

STARMOON44 · July 2013

Why are you making her be involved in your wedding when it doesn't sound like she's excited at all? The traditional roles for 10 year olds at weddings are as guests or as flower girls. Not making promises of unity with a family they didn't chose and apparently don't want. Your wedding isn't a command performance for the people you love.

QueerFemme · July 2013

bike4life said:

Well they did it at her mom's wedding without permission of her father and he really wants her involved some how. It's been a rocky road with her and this engagement. She hasn't taken it easy even though she had to know it was coming given we have been together for 5 years.

We were going to do sand but found out that's what her mom and step dad did... the 10 y/o WILL be my stepdaughter.

She is 10, she doesn't have a rational thought like "oh, they've been together for 5 years. they are probably going to get married". She could still be thinking "I hope my mom and dad get back together some day". Kids aren't adults, and you shouldn't expect her to behave like one.

I also agree that you shouldn't include her in the ceremony. Have her be a bridesmaid or, a groomsmaid. She could wear a pretty dress and hand your future husband the rings during that part in the ceremony. Your fiance should be ASKING her if she wants to be involved and how. You could offer her a few ideas and let her pick.

bike4life · July 2013

Sorry took me some time to get back to read this. We DID ask her and she said she WANTED to be part of it besides just a BM. However, Jason and I talked more about it and we aren't doing a Unity Ceremony period.

Thanks for your inputs

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I'd give her a role if she wants one- do a reading, etc. But just because Mom did what I find totally inappropriate doesn't mean you should. I think you've made the right decision not doing a Unity Ceremony. Good luck with the rest of your planning.

KDM323 · July 2013

bike4life said:

Sorry took me some time to get back to read this. We DID ask her and she said she WANTED to be part of it besides just a BM. However, Jason and I talked more about it and we aren't doing a Unity Ceremony period.

Thanks for your inputs

I think you guys made the right choice!

NYCBruin · July 2013

bike4life said:

Sorry took me some time to get back to read this. We DID ask her and she said she WANTED to be part of it besides just a BM. However, Jason and I talked more about it and we aren't doing a Unity Ceremony period.

Thanks for your inputs

Sounds like a good choice. Maybe have her do a reading?

Script ideas for Tree Unity Ceremony that includes a 10 y/o

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