Not Engaged Yet

Asking Dad

So, theoretically someone already posted one about this, but I have slightly different concerns.

My SO and I were once engaged this past year, and that went horribly, so we called it off. One of the things that went really terribly was the fact that my SO hadn't asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad threw an enormous fit, and ruined the day for me.

We're planning on trying it again in October, seeing as the relationship is in a better place and such, and we're much happier with one another. HOWEVER, my dad is not a fan of my SO at all. So, I'm worried that if he calls and asks permission in October that my dad is going to say no. I've thought of stuffing the idea of calling him, but my dad is a traditionalist and expects a call. It might damage my relationship with him if we don't call him. We'll still get engaged irrespective of this phone call, but I don't want to burn bridges already.

What do you think? My SO and I have been talking it over the past couple of days and can't make up our minds.

Re: Asking Dad

  • What about asking for a blessing? I don't see the point in asking for permission if you're going to get engaged regardless.

    If I may ask, what else went wrong that was so bad to lead to calling it off? Most issues of that magnitude can't be solved that quickly, in my experience. And if it was just your dad being upset, well, even asking for a blessing now probably won't solve that.
  • edited July 2013
    I don;t understand why you called in off the first time.  Were there other reasons besides he didn't ask your dad for permission?  Why doesn't your father like your SO?  Why was he mad the first time you got engaged?

    You need to decide if getting becoming engaged is important with or without his blessing.  If you know he is going to say no why bother to ask.  You are an adult capable of making your own decisions.  So what happens if SO calls and he says no?  You have to be prepared for that too.  Overall you are an adult and shouldn't need anyone's permission at this point.

    ETA: can anyone else back me up is irrespective an actual word?


    Anniversary

  • edited August 2013
    Anyway, what went wrong was that my SO has serious commitment issues because he's been a bachelor for about 16 years, and only dated three times in that time. So he had a freak out after the engagement because he felt he wasn't ready for it, and broke it off, as well as with me several time after that. He's worked on himself and fixed himself with some help, and I've seen a lot of improvement in him. Plus, we've been trying to put ourselves in different situations in order to see how we work together (like taking a three week vacation across the world). I would have liked to be trying to get engaged and married later, to be honest, but I'm a foreigner and the US doesn't like foreigners very much.
  • Yea that's a lot of issues in one relationship. Remember that being married isn't going to solve all your problems. Also, a problem with commitment doesn't just magically go away typically.

    I wouldn't make a big to do about your engagement this time around but would probably ask together for a blessing from your father if it is important to you/him. I wouldn't expect immediate acceptance however. Parents tend to not like people that break off engagements with their offspring
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • Coming from the new MIL-The first time my new SIL asked my husband, the answer was a flat no! We did not really care for the way he was treating our daughter and did not feel that it was a solid relationship, among a few other issues.  At heart, he has always been a great guy, and stable, but needed to make some relationship adjustments.  To his credit, he stuck with it, continued to be a great guy, and learned how to be part of a mutual relationship and began to blend into our family (we are a small but judgmental group and not at all easy).Fast forward, when he asked again about a year later, we were thrilled and my husband gave his blessing.  It was a hard and emotional time for all of us, but growing pains tend to do that.  The wedding was beautiful and the marriage really should be solid forever.
    Best of luck to you.
  • Yea that's a lot of issues in one relationship. Remember that being married isn't going to solve all your problems. Also, a problem with commitment doesn't just magically go away typically. I wouldn't make a big to do about your engagement this time around but would probably ask together for a blessing from your father if it is important to you/him. I wouldn't expect immediate acceptance however. Parents tend to not like people that break off engagements with their offspring
    I think advice is perfect. Don't set unrealistic expectations about your relationship or people's reactions to you and your SO getting engaged again. I doubt your father will be happy about this (I know mine wouldn't be) so I'm not sure asking for permission is the best route to go, especially if you are going to go ahead with things so matter what he says. I know people who did that (the guy asked, dad, said no, guy proposed anyway) and in short there was a lot of bitter feelings and drama that followed.

    I don't really know anything about visas but if your relationship had significant problems before rushing a marriage really doesn't sound like a good idea. Could you do long distance for awhile? If you do proceed with the engagement I HIGHLY suggest couples counseling.


  • Thanks for all your advice ladies. I guess I feel a little better about how this relationship looks now, because he's done a complete do over, and got back in good graces with my mom and sister again. And my mother in particular is dying for me to get married to him and see it work out with him. I know it's a bit of a rush, but I don't feel like I'm rushing into it without knowing somewhat what I'm doing (though that may be relative).

    And I don't think that marriage is the way to go to fix relationships. Take my mom, dad, step mom, and step dad. They all had ruined marriages and I take a lot of advice from them.

    But I definitely will take your advice on rather asking for his blessing than his permission. 

    Any more input is appreciated, but all your comments have been really helpful and appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
  • cozbean said:
    Anyway, what went wrong was that my SO has serious commitment issues because he's been a bachelor for about 16 years, and only dated three times in that time. So he had a freak out after the engagement because he felt he wasn't ready for it, and broke it off, as well as with me several time after that. He's worked on himself and fixed himself with some help, and I've seen a lot of improvement in him. Plus, we've been trying to put ourselves in different situations in order to see how we work together (like taking a three week vacation across the world). I would have liked to be trying to get engaged and married later, to be honest, but I'm a foreigner and the US doesn't like foreigners very much, and they'll be kicking me out with the termination of my visa. I hadn't planned on getting a long term boyfriend, so I hadn't intended on a different visa. So we're rushing the wedding plans a bit more because we're trying not to have me kicked out of the country. Although, that sounds bad. I'm not just dating him for a visa, promise.
    How old is your BF?

    I would not rush wedding plans just for a visa especially given the issues you've had in the past. Those are pretty serious issues that you guys had when you were engaged previously. I agree with PP that you should probably, at the very least, seek counseling before getting married. 



  • edited August 2013
    My BF is 37. It's a weird relationship. I know. My whole family went up into revolt when we first started dating. Well, it was weird in general. It takes getting used to. But his family love me, and my family are warming up to him, so it can't be all that bad.

    And I do have a psychologist. But I do think you're all correct on the counseling. I'll definitely look into that before we get married. 

    But please don't think our relationship is all bad. You guys occasionally write on this post as if our relationship is in turmoil and we have serious problems. We've been on a good, solid streak for months now. I really have seen a difference in him, and still plan to go through with our marriage plans. 
  • We only know what you put out there. When you start off by saying that you've already called off an engagement to your BF, that carries with it a certain set of ... expectations about your relationship. Plus I would still be worried about any change that has only been in place for months. Who's to say he won't "slip back" into old habits, so to speak? That's part of why so many of us are pushing for counseling.
  • I can see that. I think I'm in that place in the relationship where, after so much sh** that happened in the beginning, I just enjoy the peace and happiness that I have now without picking at it too much. I've learnt you can't push him on anything or he runs away, so yes, that's still a big concern.

    I can't really defend a lot of that, to be honest, and I know you're all right. I'm just being positive about my relationship after it survived so much crap.
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