Bridesmaids only care about bridesmaid gifts....

sandrabrooke · July 2013

I decided to keep my bridal party small, and didn't want one, but my sisters wanted to be involved so I gladly let them. They are busy in college and aren't going to be doing anything for me. However, I've always planned on giving them gifts because they are standing up with me. They unfortunately, keep asking me what my gifts are and suggest different ideas such as smartphones, expensive headphones, a new iPad. I keep telling them I'll get them something but they tell me its rude not to spend a couple hundred each on a gift. Am I crazy here? I *could* afford that, but isn't that too much, especially since they aren't buying their own dress even.

Regardless, I'm getting them a gift.

itzMS · July 2013

sandrabrooke said:

I decided to keep my bridal party small, and didn't want one, but my sisters wanted to be involved so I gladly let them. They are busy in college and aren't going to be doing anything for me. However, I've always planned on giving them gifts because they are standing up with me. They unfortunately, keep asking me what my gifts are and suggest different ideas such as smartphones, expensive headphones, a new iPad. I keep telling them I'll get them something but they tell me its rude not to spend a couple hundred each on a gift. Am I crazy here? I *could* afford that, but isn't that too much, especially since they aren't buying their own dress even.

Regardless, I'm getting them a gift.

A gift is a gift. There is no minimum or maximum you should spend.

SummerGrl15 · July 2013

I say spend whatever you feel comfortable spending. I am not spending a few hundred per girl, because I can't afford it. I am spending around $100.

Even if I could afford it and my girls were asking for expensive gifts like that, I wouldn't get them. I love to give gifts, but hate when people ask for them or expect something lavish. It's rude.

daveANDkristen · July 2013

Get your sisters something nice, heartfelt, and affordable. Ignore their ridiculous suggestions, they sound incredibly spoiled. Have they mentioned these suggestions to anyone besides you? I'd be interested to know if your parents or other family have heard this and how they reacted.

sandrabrooke · July 2013

My mom actually supports them and calls ME cheap. (She called me cheap for refusing to get a limo for the wedding and not serving guests walleye. I hate walleye.) definitely am much more a fan of buying them something that is personalized and something they'd keep for a very long time (versus a technology that will be outdated in a year).

Thanks

courtneythesquid · July 2013

An iPad to me seems like a bizarre bridesmaid gift. I mean, certainly there is nothing WRONG with the bride giving iPads if that is what she wants to do, but it is so expensive I would NEVER expect for that to be the type of thing I would receive. It's also a little impersonal.

Get whatever feels right to you... ignore suggestions from the peanut gallery!

AddieCake · July 2013

Your sisters are being spoiled brats.

banana468 · July 2013

If mom and sisters believe that I hope they're planning to drop serious bank on you.

Even so, they're out of line.

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

Get these girls etiquette books as their gift. They need them BADLY.

mlg78 · July 2013

You don't ASK for bridesmaids gifts! This isn't your birthday or Christmas! I'm with Pele -- give them etiquette books.

I've spent about $50 per girl and my fiancé about $60 per guy...

sandrabrooke · July 2013

The icing on the cake of this--they finally picked out bridesmaid dresses today. Without me. My mom paid for them (so naturally that means she has a say), but not even letting me look at them before placing an order is ridiculous. I'm happy to have wonderfully normal in-laws.

Deelovesunited · July 2013

Ipad??? Smartphone??? What the hell...... That is incredibly presumptuous of them, not to mention totally not traditional.... If my sisters came up to me having the balls to ask what their bridesmaid gifts were let alone asking for these ridiculous gifts I'd snap! Don't get me wrong, I spent decent money on their gifts (got them real crystal jewellery and I'm paying for the hair/make up on the day of - about $100 per girl) but I'd never buy something so unconventional and pricy just for their own selfish needs. As everyone is saying, this isn't Christmas!

wittykitty14 · July 2013

As PPs have said, they're being spoiled brats. I feel like no matter what you get them, they're going to complain. I'm sorry you have to deal with that from your own family.

Only get them something within your budget (and that's meaningful). FI and I are spending about $15 per person in the WP, because that's all we can reasonably afford. We were still able to find something that suits each one, and hopefully they'll love them. Just pick things for your BMs that you'd get them for any other occassion, and only spend what you're comfortable spending.

Good luck!

thisismynickname2 · July 2013

They're in college and expect you to buy them IPads as bridesmaids gifts!? Excuse me for being incredibly aghast! Are they taking advantage of your generosity because they're your sisters? I'm speechless.

< remains speechless >

OP, I don't know you-- your financial situation and what "class" your family is is none of my business. If you happen to be wealthy and/or come from a wealthy family, I guess I could understand the I-stuff demand. I've personally never received anything but jewelry as a bridesmaid gift, certainly nothing costing over maybe $20. Speaking as a regular ole middle class person, this blows me away.

Jen4948 · July 2013

They are "entitled" .... to whatever you choose to give them. It's entirely up to you-and they have no right to dictate what they should get or how much you should spend.

They're being jerks.

sandrabrooke · July 2013

I had a single mom of 3 girls, but she was solidly upper-middle class professional. They just think that because I have a "big" corporate job and my fiance is a software engineer they can get whatever they want. Am I selfish for not wanting to keep some of my own money, haha.

AJuliaNJ · July 2013

I was in 2 weddings. One put together a bag of girly stuff like body washes, lotions, and beaded necklaces. The other didn't do anything. I had no idea it was even done and didn't expect it. My friend was recently in a wedding where the bride gave one of those Tiffany silver necklaces ($150) and that was the most extravagant gift I've seen.

I've never heard of anyone giving gifts like smartphones or ipads.

loca4pook · July 2013

I think MOST brides spend WAY less than that.

I bought pandora charms for mine because they both love the bracelets.

winelover123 · July 2013

sandrabrooke said:

The icing on the cake of this--they finally picked out bridesmaid dresses today. Without me. My mom paid for them (so naturally that means she has a say), but not even letting me look at them before placing an order is ridiculous. I'm happy to have wonderfully normal in-laws.

Say what now? You get to choose the dresses.

sandrabrooke · July 2013

Man. I thought I got to choose the dresses too. My mom bought two, 200 dollar dresses, non-refundable. Sadly, since she is paying several things (not all), I pretty much have to allow this. I still was going to add two bridesmaids (my sisters were given before I thought of anyone else) and these other girls don't have that type of money or body for the dresses. So I might just be getting 2 sets of 2 dresses. Frustrating, but I'll live.

Jen4948 · July 2013

If your mother is paying for the dresses behind your back, it sounds like she won't stop there but will pull all the rugs out from under you by buying everything while keeping you out of the loop.

I think you've got a big problem here.

sandrabrooke · July 2013

Agreed. That's why his parents my mom and us are splittig things 3 wayss. She can't afford to pay for everything

NerdyLucy · July 2013

sandrabrooke said:

I decided to keep my bridal party small, and didn't want one, but my sisters wanted to be involved so I gladly let them.

For your sake, I wish you could go back in time and decide against having a bridal party like you originally wanted. This is way too much trouble----demanding expensive gifts, choosing and purchasing dresses without you, etc.

kauffmbk · July 2013

I picked out a few things that I would appreciate and asked the girls to each choose what they would prefer. Although this spoils the surprise, it sounds like your sisters have a distinct idea of what they want. They (hopefully) will still appreciate what you get them.

I know how you feel what you say that you appreciate normal in-laws! I give thanks for mine every day. If you don't like the dresses then it's definitely worth mentioning to your mom and sisters. This is YOUR day and YOUR wedding - they will have their own. You will be the one to display and keep the pictures forever so it should be your decision.

MissZarmela · July 2013

Arrrg, I feel for you. This is exactly why we are paying everything, even it means we have a very small budget, though. Because the person with the chequebook has the last saying. Always. Since your mom is one of them, it makes it very difficult for you and your fiancé to stand your ground, because there will always be something she will consider (and your sisters too) entitled to choose, even though it's not HER wedding, just because she is the one paying for it (the bridesmaids dresses is a good example). I think you need to have a conversation with your mom ASAP, and tell her what you expect her to do and how you expect her to help you (that means, supporting your decisions and choices regarding YOUR wedding day) and that her financial contribution will be appreciated and welcomed in that regard. Same should be done with your sisters. Being a bridesmaid is a responsability. You said they wanted to get involved : fine, what are they ready to do for you ? How involved did they really want to be ? It's not about being spoiled, it's about being there for the bride, helping her with whatever needs to be done and for that support they've been offering, many brides will give a special thank gift to their party, to show their appreciation. It comes from the heart : shouldn't care how much it costs.

katienjeff · July 2013

OMG I can't agree with the other posters enough!

First, I agree with everyone on how they shouldn't be dictating to you what to get them, especially super expensive, impersonal items! For our wedding party, I decided to do "The day of bags" to be received the day before for the girls, and a small, personal gift to receive at the wedding. I'm making each bag, we bought colorful canvass ones and are doing iron on letters- sure beats the industry's $19.99 per bag. And then for the guys we did personalized items. Our best man really likes computers and guns, so I found a flash drive shaped like a Glock. One of the GM likes the Pinhead movies, so we found a replica Pinhead box. He had said a while back he'd like to have something like that. For another GM who likes Lord of the Rings, we found a Thor's Map print, and for fiance's brother who is a GM, a NE Patriots watch because he loves the Patriots.

At any rate, these things should be what you're comfortable giving, something they would like, and something personal. That's really it.

I also agree that it shouldn't be something for the wedding, because it's supposed to be meaningful, and a treat.

And I'm really irked that your mom and sisters picked out the BM dresses without you involved. That is totally the bride's decision. With that said, the bride should consider that not everyone is comfortable with the same style- my BMs expressed they were not fans of strapless dresses, so we went with a dress that wasn't low cut and had straps. And the dresses are pretty cool, they could be used again, they're kinda leathery and kinda "Bad A."

Hopefully they turn out to be more appreciative than they are seeming. Really sorry.

sandrabrooke · July 2013

I appreciate you all! Unfortunately my bad attitude towards the dress got me kicked out of my house. I'm a working professional but living together before marriage wasn't an option. I do have two more bridesmaids now

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I am so sorry things have gotten to this point for you. I truely wish you the best of luck with the planning of the rest of your wedding. Doesn't sound like it's going to be an easy thing. Hopefully planning will go easier being under a different roof because you'll be able to limit the information they get on the planning. I would limit what information you give them, but try to give them some information so that they feel like they (sisters & mom) are all included in process. Remember, your best response will be "Thanks for the idea, I'll have to look into that" but that doesn't mean you do. You may want to talk to vendors and let them know that if anyone calls them requesting changes to whatever you have already picked out, that they need to run them past you before putting those changes into place.

jdblnn · July 2013

Wow. This sounds pretty crazy. You are the bride and should have a very BIG say in what your BM's wear regardless of who is paying. I'd say your mom should be able to tell you budget constraints and have veto power. As for the gifts, your sisters sound like a handful. That's not how BM gifts work. They don't get to demand a gift. If you are still considering who is in the bridal party, I would hold off on deciding on a gift until closer to the big day.

Maybe you can get your sisters a nice picture frame for a photo of the 3 of you to remind them what the day is all about - family.

sandrabrooke · July 2013

I love photos. Thats a great idea. I think there is nothing better than great photos to look back years later.

I'll think about if they'd like something like that.

Bridesmaids only care about bridesmaid gifts....

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