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Graciously declining

HSAmberHSAmber member
Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
The wedding is in two days, so this is purely curiosity on my part, but I've often wondered about all the advice about "graciously declining" showers/offers to pay/other wedding related things. How do those play out in reality? I understand that it should never be rude to say no thank you, but how do family dynamics play into that? I didn't want a bridal shower. Telling my aunts that would have been viewed as incredibly rude. I imagine turning down your future in-laws would create a bad start to that relationship. Has anyone had success in declining something without hurt feelings? Or any horror stories?
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Re: Graciously declining

  • cbrown828cbrown828 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I turned down a shower from my MIL because she wanted to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding. It definitely caused tension but over time things have calmed down. I had FI handle the actual conversation, even after she emailed me directly, and I think that helped a lot.
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  • AbbyjensenAbbyjensen member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited July 2013
    I think that it depends on your family dynamics. Sometimes you have to accept that people will be offended. In general, though, I feel like I always like to provide a reason why (even if it is vague) and, most importantly, offer an alternative. If I know someone is trying to be sweet and do something nice, I don't want to turn down their good intentions.

    But if I don't care about the outcome, I just say, "No, thank you."
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  • kmcclelland7kmcclelland7 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    My FMIL and aunts wanted to throw me a bridal shower.  Very nice, but the only problem was they wanted to do an "open house shower" with most of the guest list people that were not invited to the wedding.  First I had to figure out what the hell an open house shower was.  I stand there and open presents as people walk in.  They eat and then they leave.  It sounds like a horrible idea. I told FMIL and one aunt "I'm really not comfortable with this situation, particularly since there are a lot of people you want to invite that are not invited to the wedding.  Thanks but no thanks."  Well about 3 days later I get ambushed by a family meeting where they pretty much tell me this is something that everyone has to endure and it's a tradition in their community (they are from a small town in Minnesota and I'm from Kentucky, we are slightly different to put it lightly).  I'm not kidding, I had FMIL and four aunts at the table telling me this was going to happen because they need to put it on for the community.  So pretty much the shower isn't for me and I have to "endure" it.  The shower is this Saturday.  I haven't had the chance to vent much.  I feel better already.

    One saving grace:  My two soon to be SIL's (FI's brothers wife and FI) hate the idea as well and plan to have a mini mimosa party beforehand for the three of us.  So here's to me enduring it!  Cheers! 
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  • cruffinocruffino member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    kmcclelland7 said:
    My FMIL and aunts wanted to throw me a bridal shower.  Very nice, but the only problem was they wanted to do an "open house shower" with most of the guest list people that were not invited to the wedding.  First I had to figure out what the hell an open house shower was.  I stand there and open presents as people walk in.  They eat and then they leave.  It sounds like a horrible idea. I told FMIL and one aunt "I'm really not comfortable with this situation, particularly since there are a lot of people you want to invite that are not invited to the wedding.  Thanks but no thanks."  Well about 3 days later I get ambushed by a family meeting where they pretty much tell me this is something that everyone has to endure and it's a tradition in their community (they are from a small town in Minnesota and I'm from Kentucky, we are slightly different to put it lightly).  I'm not kidding, I had FMIL and four aunts at the table telling me this was going to happen because they need to put it on for the community.  So pretty much the shower isn't for me and I have to "endure" it.  The shower is this Saturday.  I haven't had the chance to vent much.  I feel better already.

    One saving grace:  My two soon to be SIL's (FI's brothers wife and FI) hate the idea as well and plan to have a mini mimosa party beforehand for the three of us.  So here's to me enduring it!  Cheers! 
    wow. i don't even know what to say to that. have an extra mimosa for me. 
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  • kmcclelland7kmcclelland7 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2013
    @cruffino and @missax, it's not all bad.  My mom throw one for me in Kentucky last month that was just great.  Friends from home and family all came so I got to catch up, play games, and eat some good food.  The one this weekend is just one where I will stand there with a big, fake, mimosa induced smile on my face.  It's just not worth pissing them off anymore.  At least I have my two FSILs there to help.  And I just hope the lack of tack and etiquette reflects on the hosts and not me.

    ETA:  And yes, I will have two mimosas for you all!
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  • NOLAbridealmostNOLAbridealmost member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment

    I declined a bunch of offers for showers and parties from friends of my grandmother who would not have been invited to the wedding.

    I just basically skirted it by saying "That's such a nice offer, maybe when we get closer to the wedding we could discuss it more, but I think we'll probably be too busy. Thank you so much for offering though."

    After that, the only thing you can control is your own feelings: so don't feel bad.  They can control whether or not they want to be offended by your perfectly polite declination.

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  • NerdyLucyNerdyLucy member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    kmcclelland7 said:
     Well about 3 days later I get ambushed by a family meeting where they pretty much tell me this is something that everyone has to endure and it's a tradition in their community (they are from a small town in Minnesota and I'm from Kentucky, we are slightly different to put it lightly). I'm not kidding, I had FMIL and four aunts at the table telling me this was going to happen because they need to put it on for the community. So pretty much the shower isn't for me and I have to "endure" it. 

    Oy.  This would make me want to just not show up.

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  • Xstatic3333Xstatic3333 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    I declined FMIL's offer to make our bouquets and bouts by saying "I really just want you to be able to enjoy the day getting ready with the girls." That worked wonders! It just wasn't something I was willing to relinquish control of.

    I feel you all on the shower with non wedding guests thing! FMIL had her heart set on doing that too, but FI was able to talk her out of it. I think when she realized it was a deal breaker for me, she decided a small shower was better than none at all.
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