Is This Normal? Question Re: Officient

KateHooker2013 · July 2013

Hi everyone! We have been planning on going through our church for our officient, and have been matched up with a Pastor. However, when I emailed the woman who coordinates the pastors' schedules to set up a meeting with the pastor to go over the ceremony content she told me the pastors don't typically meet with the bride and groom until about 2 weeks before the wedding (our wedding is this November). I then asked how we would know what the ceremony order would look like, so I could ask certain people to be involved (readings, songs, etc) AND get the programs printed, and she said that he will pretty much just work from the script that we give him. I asked if he had a standard ceremony that he worked from, that we could look at to at least figure out what we want to customize, or if there is a list of things we can and can't include, she said she didn't think he had either of those but there were lots of ceremony scripts I could do a google search for on the internet. Ummm, what? Is it normal to have to basically put your ceremony together yourself, with almost no guidance from your pastor? ...OH! And he won't attend the rehearsal either. I'm wondering if we should just go through an officient service at this point.

professorscience · July 2013

What denomination is this?

And to answer your question, I don't think it's weird to meet with your officiant only a few weeks before your ceremony. We had our priest over for dinner a few months before our wedding, thinking we'd do a ton of wedding planning, but it only came up once. The rest of the evening was spent just relaxing and getting to know each other. He had one request to help him prepare for his homily, but that was it.

As far as planning the ceremony, our church normally waited until about a month before the wedding to sit down and go over the details. I don't know if you've been to a Catholic wedding, but there's quite a bit to it, especially if you're having a mass. We'd been given a booklet from which we chose readings and prayers, but again -- there's really not much to the "planning" if there's a format that they follow every time. Our priest didn't go over the order of the mass with us (including prayers he was going to have to read) until the rehearsal.

So, here's the thing:

If you don't have a close relationship with your pastor, it's pretty normal that you wouldn't meet with him until just a few weeks before your ceremony. These guys do a ton of weddings, and they're not going to remember the specific details of your for six months.

It's totally normal for you to plan the order of your wedding. It's a little weird to me that they don't give you any kind of guidelines, but I guess Google is your friend.

If you have specific things you want besides the normal greeting/reading/blessing of your marriage/etc, that's the kind of thing you should call the church office and ask about. Otherwise, nearly all Christian ceremonies follow basically the same pattern.

courtski2004 · July 2013

I think it is odd that your Pastor wouldn't be at the rehearsal. That would be reason enough for me to switch to someone else. Our officiant required a rehearsal and we couldn't marry in that Church without running through the ceremony 3 times. Why 3? No clue, but it sure made the real ceremony a breeze.

I agree that meeting with the Pastor isn't really necessary too far out. We met with our officiant maybe 3 weeks to a month prior, and like professorscience, it was more of a 'getting to know you' deal. The Church administrator gave me a copy of a previous couple's wedding program and just asked us to pick two passages for readings and to follow the format that these folks had used. It seemed weird but they do so many weddings that I trusted that they knew what they were doing.

In all honesty, I don't follow a wedding program to a tee--if a song and a reading are in the wrong places, it really isn't a big deal and wouldn't notice. If they are giving you the freedom to basically create your own ceremony, it should be pretty easy to find a format that you like.

Processional, opening, reading, song, reading, sermon/homily, vows, recessional. If you want to do a unity candle or something similar, you can put it in between the sermon and vows.

I really would inquire about the rehearsal though. That really seems unusual.

fallbride1109 · July 2013

I had sort of an unusual situation in that I put my entire interfaith ceremony together myself. I found most of what I used for the Jewish traditions on the internet, however once I chose my Rabbi, I did use a little of what he gave us. However, my paid Christian officiant was very helpful and I used alot of his readings and suggestions. He has an entire book to look through as well as an actual map of the ceremony space that you fill out so he knows who is standing where, etc. We did have to pay extra for him to be at the rehearsal but I thought it was worth it. I believe we met with him twice before the wedding, the last time was about a month out.

So I guess I'm somewhere in the middle--you can certainly do it yourself but some guidance is nice. Bottom line is, if you are uncomfortable already, you might want to look into alternatives.

RangersSweetheart · August 2013

I think it's a bit strange, especially if it's your home church.

My wedding isn't until next December and we have already had our first sit down with our pastor. He gave us a few things to start looking over and some pre-marital class options that he suggested. He told us that we would probably sit down to meet 2-3 more times in the process to make sure all is seamless, and he will run our rehearsal.

I would maybe contact the pastor directly instead of the coordinator, just to see what he advises.

KateHooker2013 · August 2013

Thanks for your feedback ladies! I feel like I could be okay with meeting with him just a few weeks out from the wedding IF we were getting a little more direction or an outline of the way he runs his ceremony AND he was attending the rehearsal. @stephaniehall I would totally pay extra for him to be at the rehearsal too. I might see if that's an option.

It just seems like an awful lot to leave in our hands to only meet once before and then the day of the actual wedding. What if he doesn't approve one of our readings, or songs, and then we are scrambling to fill that space with something else. Seems like unnecessary added stress...but then again maybe I'm overthinking it.

We are going through pre-marital counseling at the church but it is with a different couple. I do think I'll reach out to the pastor directly and try to get a little more insight into how this will go.

professorscience · August 2013

I would just check with your church to see what kind of readings are and aren't allowed (hopefully they'd tell you that much). The only time I can see there being an issue would be if they don't allow non-scripture readings (and I think surely they'd make that clear to you).

Also, do you have this pastor's email address? I communicated with our priest much more via email than we did in person, and it was pretty easy to get what I needed from him that way.

Also, at our rehearsal, he did little more than verify which readings we were doing and then explained to our WP (most of whom weren't Catholic) how certain things were going to need to go. While I can totally understand wanting him there, he's probably done enough weddings that he doesn't really feel the need to be at your rehearsal (although it would certainly make one feel better to have him there in the flesh!). The people who need to "rehearse" are usually the WP.

Is This Normal? Question Re: Officient

Re: Is This Normal? Question Re: Officient

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