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DD's just engaged ... drama already...venting

WineNotWineNot member
First Comment
in Texas-Dallas and Ft. Worth
I'm an MOB, wedding fall 2014.

DD has been engaged exactly two weeks ... already her future MIL is causing drama. Here how it's going: she yacks to her son (my future SIL), who then passes it along to my DD, who then passes info/questions along to me.  I hate that already she is putting my DD in the middle -- it's stressful for her and then my DD takes it out on me, which I hate. I've tried to communicate directly with the future MIL and she is polite up to a point, but then reverts back to bugging my DD and FSIL.

My DD is giving in to all of her demands because she just doesn't want any stress or drama (or conflict with her fiance). Since I am paying for it all, this puts me in the position of being the bad guy when I disagree with them.

Already she is whining about the choice of location because she "just doesn't know the area" -- which would be true regardless since she lives several states away. She wanted *me* to pick out the rehearsal dinner location -- I gave her several options and now she is complaining about the expense.

She also insisted that her completely immature and selfish daugher be a bridesmaid, and my DD agreed "as a gesture of solidarity within the families." My DD is not friends with this girl, and choosing her has knocked my DIL (to whom my DD is very close) out of the line-up. (Grrrrrr .....) This girl is a rude drama queen whom I fear will do everything she can to disrupt the event and try to divert attention to herself. She also is a hairdresser and has already proclaimed ... loudly .. that under no circumstances will she do the wedding party's hair. Uh, OK -- I had no expectations about that, but, well, you know -- it would have been a nice gesture (but that's the kind of person she is).

<<sigh>> Not sure if I can take another year of this  ...

Thanks for hearing me out.






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Re: DD's just engaged ... drama already...venting

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    professorscienceprofessorscience member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Sorry to hear all of that.  =(  Your daughter should never feel compelled to include someone in the wedding "just because."

    As for the drama about the locations, your FSIL should be setting his mom straight.  DD needs to tell him to talk to her -- she's much more likely to listen if it's coming from her son (trust me -- I have a great relationship with my MIL and I still have to get DH to talk to her about some things).
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    cwaggoner07cwaggoner07 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    And no one has to be 'bumped' out of anything. Sides do NOT have to be even - I was in a very nice wedding in May with 6 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen. The bride had 3 sisters, and wanted three of her close friends to stand next to her as well, and that was it.

    You also need to step out of a lot of the drama and let them figure it out. I know it's hard, but it will be easier on you in the long run, and your DD and her FI can learn to lean on and support each other without running to their parents with all of their problems. 

    My parents paid for a part of our wedding, and they did the best thing possible. They gave us the money to use completely as we wished, put it in our bank account, no strings attached. They did give us a small list of 'must invites' if we did decide to throw a reception, but it was minuscule in regards to our guest list. 
    They even said if we wanted to elope and save the money, it did not matter, it was their gift to us. That shifted the load of the responsibilities of planning the wedding to my FI and I, and we were able to plan it together. My mother went dress shopping with me and did all the normal things, but the budget was set my ME and not her. I paid for it with my card (using some of the money they had gifted us). To this day my mother has no idea how much I paid for my dress or most anything else. She was very hands off, but was more than willing to help out when I asked. It was a good training for my now-H and myself to budget, plan a party, and allow our parents to have a fun experience. After all, when the day is over, it's about my H and I, not necessarily our parents.
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    EZRydzEZRydz member
    First Comment Name Dropper
    edited August 2013

    I'm very sorry to hear there has been drama! But I completely agree with what's been said above. Honestly, in my opinion, getting engaged marks that first step in becoming your own family unit-- and figuring out issues and problems and drama *together*, not through your families. It's an opportunity for your DD and FSIL to handle things together, and for your FSIL to know figure out how to calm his mom down/deal with her without letting all the issues become bigger and bigger and loop all other family members in.

    And your DD should not have to cut someone she's super close with out of her wedding party. It doesn't matter if the numbers are even--and even if it seems really important to them, then I'm sure FSIL can add an extra. It's not about looking perfectly even or getting to an exact number but really about being true to themselves and their loved ones and honoring what they want to do & what they think is right.

     

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    WineNotWineNot member
    First Comment
    edited August 2013
    Very good advice all -- thank you.

    Re giving her the  $ to plan and execute the wedding herself -- it's a good idea and I've actualy thought about doing this. But DD has a very demanding job and really doesn't have time to plan a wedding. I'm trying to be as hands-off as I can and we have agreed to a budget. I am springing for a planner - to help diffuse the tension as much as possible. (And to be honest -- I'm not that sure I could let go of that kind of $ and then back off competely, lol).

    Re the bridesmaid drama -- I've also told DD that she could still have DIL  and that the numbers don't have to be even. She's not crazy about the idea, but may come around, who knows.

    Thank you all again!
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    professorscienceprofessorscience member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Re: the demanding job -- that is why I hired a full-service coordinator.  The year I got married I was a (first year) team leader for a brand new school with two new-to-the-content teachers on my team (with the rollout of STAAR to deal with).  I was at work from roughly 8 - 6 most days and just didn't have the time to focus on tiny wedding details.  Plus I really had no idea what I wanted.  My coordinator was such a blessing.  The one you have hired (if they are full-service) should be taking much of the stress of planning off your (and DD's) shoulders.
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