NWR: The art of RSVP

TerriHugg · August 2013

Is it me or is the art of RSVP a hopeless cause? I am so frustrated because I had planned a surprise party for my husband. His birthday was yesterday and I invited his friends 2 - 3 weeks in advance of the occasion. When contacting these people I made it clear that I needed to know whether they were coming or not by August 14th because I was ordering some cake and finger foods and the 14th was the last day I could order the food to get it in time for Saturday. Of course, I had to chase RSVP's on the 14th. Some of them were extremely excited saying they wouldn't miss it for the world, etc.

Then the day of the party at least 15 people just couldn't find a babysitter despite me telling them they could bring their kids, suddenly had to go to work, etc. And those were the people who just had the decency to tell me the day of they couldn't make it because of whatever reason. Then there was those who just didn't bother showing up. I was so irritated because I gave them three weeks notice to figure out what to do with kids, find sitters for pets, take off work, etc. Because they didn't show up, I spent twice as much on food. I wish these people would have just declined the RSVP from the very beginning.

I'm glad the husband had a good time, but I think this may be the last time I organize an event that requires money and RSVP's.

Blue_Bird · August 2013

I've noticed that has become a common theme lately, along with thank you notes. I'm really sorry about your immature/inconsiderate friends, but I'm glad your DH had a great birthday!

TerriHugg · August 2013

Thanks. I mean the important thing is that my hubby truly was surprised and he had a really good time. I'm just pissed that I wasted money on so much food and cake and that people don't even have the common courtesy to uphold their RSVP anymore.

I'm finally starting to understand why potlocks are becoming so common. They maybe considered rude, but atleast you aren't wasting too money or time on food on people who decided to not show up.

I really don't think I'm organizing anything anymore.

NYCBruin · August 2013

That's really annoying. I'm sorry that happened.

TerriHugg · August 2013

@aliciaharrison

That sucks! I don't know what it is with people and RSVP's. I always make it a point to RSVP the week I get the invite because I know how frustrating it is and I know if I don't do it within the week I will forget.

I can't believe so many people never got back to you! I hope your BF had a good time though.

TerriHugg · August 2013

Lobster1987 said:

That happened to an ex-boyfriend of mine once. He and his roommate went in and bought a keg to have a party...and all these people said they'd come over for free beer/party.

I was the only one that came....So they had this entire keg they had to drink up before it went flat and I don't even drink beer.

WOW! That's even worse than my situation. I can't believe you were the only one that came. I don't like beer either. I ended up having to pass out some of the leftover food and cake to other random people in the bar because it was way too much for us to take home.

SP29 · August 2013

I feel the same way- don't people understand what RSVP means!

I had the same thing happen for my bridal shower!! Most people RSVP'd, but there was a small group who did not, in any way, shape, or form. Those who did not RSVP did not show up unannounced, and everyone who RSVP'd yes did come- which is good. After having to go through some family members to ask these people, a lot of them said they didn't know if they'd be there because they would be busy, some just didn't respond period- how hard is it to RSVP "no" if you don't think you can come by the RSVP date.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

I've never heard of a RSVP for a birthday party. Or anything else that wasn't a wedding. Why did you have a RSVP for that? Is it around 100$ a plate for thus party?

KeptInStitches · August 2013

Doesn't have to be $100 a plate for the host to need to know how many to expect so there's enough food, napkins, plates, etc.

TerriHugg · August 2013

@GypsyBridetobe

No, t it wasn't $100 a plate. I needed people to rsvp because it I needed to know how much food and cake to buy. I'm pretty sure you've heard of RSVP's for things other than weddings. You probably just don't remember right now. The purpose of RSVP's is to get a definite head count so the host can plan events and other party necessities accordingly.

People have RSVP's for birthday parties and other parties all the time. It's not just reserved for weddings. For example, kids birthday parties usually require a RSVP by the child's parent, or retirement parties, baby showers, etc.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

No never. Never heard of that. Its a new thing I'm learning from you. I've hosted numerous events and parties throughout the years. I always buy enough food and drinks for as many people as I invited.

OjitosVerdes · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

I've never heard of a RSVP for a birthday party. Or anything else that wasn't a wedding. Why did you have a RSVP for that? Is it around 100$ a plate for thus party?

You're kidding, right? Even the most informal of Facebook events/invites have an RSVP feature. I host numerous events throughout the year and always request that people RSVP. If I didn't, and always planned based on invites and not responses, I would consistently overspend and waste food/drinks/money.

ETS: OP, that really sucks and I'm sorry that happened to you. Such a lack of courtesy.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

I've never heard of a RSVP for a birthday party. Or anything else that wasn't a wedding. Why did you have a RSVP for that? Is it around 100$ a plate for thus party?

ETS: OP, that really sucks and I'm sorry that happened to you. Such a lack of courtesy.

In not kidding. only seen rsvps for weddings and quinceneras.and both are around $100 A plate.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

I don't know why. But I used the quotes box and it won't put your whole comment.

TerriHugg · August 2013

So you've never even been invited to a party thst wasnt a wedding where you had to RSVP by telling the host whether you were attending or not in advance?

OjitosVerdes · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

GypsyBridetobe said:

I've never heard of a RSVP for a birthday party. Or anything else that wasn't a wedding. Why did you have a RSVP for that? Is it around 100$ a plate for thus party?

TS: OP, that really sucks and I'm sorry that happened to you. Such a lack of courtesy.
In not kidding. only seen rsvps for weddings and quinceneras.and both are around $100 A plate.

Perhaps this is a "depends on your circle"/cultural thing. I agree that mailed RSVPs are generally reserved for more formal events, but in my circle at least, online or phoned RSVPs are requested via Facebook invites/Evites/simple mailed invitations for just about everything ... parties/bday celebrations/showers/movie night/etc.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

TerriHugg said:
So you've never even been invited to a party thst wasnt a wedding where you had to RSVP by telling the host whether you were attending or not in advance?

No

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

OjitosVerdes said:

GypsyBridetobe said:

GypsyBridetobe said:

I've never heard of a RSVP for a birthday party. Or anything else that wasn't a wedding. Why did you have a RSVP for that? Is it around 100$ a plate for thus party?

TS: OP, that really sucks and I'm sorry that happened to you. Such a lack of courtesy.
In not kidding. only seen rsvps for weddings and quinceneras.and both are around $100 A plate.

Perhaps this is a "depends on your circle"/cultural thing. I agree that mailed RSVPs are generally reserved for more formal events, but in my circle at least, online or phoned RSVPs are requested via Facebook invites/Evites/simple mailed invitations for just about everything ... parties/bday celebrations/showers/movie night/etc.

No its not a cultural thing. I have been invited to a party hosted by a person that is not of my culture.

blueobsidian · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:

No never. Never heard of that. Its a new thing I'm learning from you. I've hosted numerous events and parties throughout the years. I always buy enough food and drinks for as many people as I invited.

So when you invite 40 people to something and only 15 can make it, you just have a ton of leftover food to freeze, donate, or throw out?

TerriHugg · August 2013

@GypsyBridetobe

I'm wondering if you just consider an RSVP the formal act of mailing back a response card and not the act of simply just letting someone know their status whether it be via text message, email, Facebook, phone call, etc. Because both are considering a from of RSVP, just one method is more formal than the other.

I didn't mail out formal invitations and expect people to mail back response cards as their RSVP for the wedding. Invites were all done either over the phone, email, or Facebook message and I just wanted to people to let me know if they were coming or not in some shape or form. Their response would be considered an informal RSVP.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

TerriHugg said:
@GypsyBridetobe

I'm wondering if you just consider an RSVP the formal act of mailing back a response card and not the act of simply just letting someone know their status whether it be via text message, email, Facebook, phone call, etc. Because both are considering a from of RSVP, just one method is more formal than the other.

I didn't mail out formal invitations and expect people to mail back response cards as their RSVP for the wedding. Invites were all done either over the phone, email, or Facebook message and I just wanted to people to let me know if they were coming or not in some shape or form. Their response would be considered an informal RSVP.

No. I'd would see it somewhere on the invitation. 'Please rsvp by calling (123)456-7899" or by emailing gypsy bride@email.com
I've never seen that on an invitation before I have never been invited to anything on Facebook.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

blueobsidian said:

GypsyBridetobe said:

No never. Never heard of that. Its a new thing I'm learning from you. I've hosted numerous events and parties throughout the years. I always buy enough food and drinks for as many people as I invited.

So when you invite 40 people to something and only 15 can make it, you just have a ton of leftover food to freeze, donate, or throw out?

We eat left overs and throw out what wasn't consumed.

RebeccaB88 · August 2013

Usually "I don't know yet, I may be busy" means they'll show up if nothing better comes up. It's rude and tell them I was taking it as a decline.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

Idk if I saw rsvp on anything I.would. rsvp.

Simply Fated · August 2013

GypsyBridetobe said:
I've never heard of a RSVP for a birthday party. Or anything else that wasn't a wedding. Why did you have a RSVP for that? Is it around 100$ a plate for thus party?

Even little kids premade birthday invitations have a line for RSVPs. My friend makes her kids' on the computer and puts her number on the invitation so the parents can RSVP because the place (Usually Chuck E Cheese) needs some sort of headcount.
Baby Showers? Bridal showers? Never?

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

No. I've never seen a RSVP line on any invatations I have received or given.

lauralee1723 · August 2013

TerriHugg said:

@aliciaharrison

That sucks! I don't know what it is with people and RSVP's. I always make it a point to RSVP the week I get the invite because I know how frustrating it is and I know if I don't do it within the week I will forget.

I can't believe so many people never got back to you! I hope your BF had a good time though.

Me too, I always send an RSVP back as soon as I can after I get the invitation.

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

I just got my first invite on Fb for a baby shower and IT HAS RSVP.

MobKaz · August 2013

This was in my newspaper today.....

Dear Miss Manners: What is the correct way to type Rsvp on an invite: R.S.V.P. or Rsvp or RSVP?

Gentle Reader: Would you consider not typing any of them?

It is not only that Miss Manners doesn't think it gracious to type invitations. And while R.s.v.p. is her first choice because it stands for a sentence, the French polite command, "Repondez s'il vous plait," R.S.V.P. will also do.

But it is amazing how often this is disobeyed. Social scofflaws are more common and more brazen than ever. Gentle Readers report that confronting them no longer produces shame, but rather such insultingly dismissive replies as "I haven't decided yet" or "Well, I'll think about it." (The response to that should be, "Well, it must be a busy time for you, so I'm afraid we'll have to do without you" — followed by permanent exile from your guest list.)

The widespread rudeness of treating an invitation as if it were an unwanted sales pitch is not why Miss Manners is about to propose an alternative to using R.s.v.p. The rude will be rude anyway, and she does not reward them by abolishing the rules they flout. That would be like dealing with a crime wave by deciding that there is no use having a law against robbery if people are going to commit it anyway.

Rather, she keeps hearing from those who are not clear about what it means.

They know it has something to do with replying to the invitations that carry this notation, and indeed, "R.s.v.p." is now used in English as a noun ("We sent in the R.S.V.P."), an adjective ("We ordered RSVP cards") and a verb ("We RSVP'ed").

But what, exactly?

Some Gentle Readers are guessing that it means answering only if you are accepting the invitation, and others that it means the same as that awkward phrase "Regrets only" (which casts the host as assuming that those who decline feel regret, when they may not).

A few believe that it requires an answer only if the invitation is to a formal event.

And an alarming number believe that it means that you may bring along as many other people as you like.

Then there are those who translate the French term for "please" literally, as "if you please," and therefore claim that they have a choice.

No, they don't. In a better world, no one would have to be urged to answer any invitation (well, perhaps not an "invitation" to buy something), no matter how significant the occasion. If a colleague asks if you want to go for a cup of coffee, do you just stare back and say nothing?

Miss Manners would like to repeat her long-standing plea that we stop using a foreign phrase and put the request in plain English. The traditional wording is "The favor of a reply is requested."

As a concession to anyone who can't bear to give up the idea of foreign glamour, she would even overlook using the British spelling, favour.

But why not use "Please respond"? Is there anyone who doesn't understand that?

Simply Fated · August 2013

I fucking love Miss Manners. And I'm going to use her suggestion on shower invites I'm sending out next week.

Gypsy, lol I can't believe this is the first time you've been asked to RSVP to something other than a wedding. Sweet 16s? Bar/Bat Mitzvahs? Sweet 13s? Engagement parties? I'm sorry I'm harping lol!

GypsyWife_ · August 2013

I know. Its so weird. Ugh FB I got invited along with another 108 people to a baby shower next week. And I never even met the person.

NWR: The art of RSVP

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