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they didn't invite my baby!

ChristineM130ChristineM130
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I was surprised and excited to receive an invitation to a distant relatives wedding.I would like to go, but the invitation was addressed to my husband and I and didn't include a baby. I will baby is 4 months old, and I don't feel comfortable with leaving him with a sitter for that long, since the wedding is out of town. I don't know if my cousin, the groom, even knows that we have a baby. What do I do? Can I ask him if my baby is allowed to go, or will that be rude? Is it not usually assume that a couple with a small baby will be bringing him? the wedding is late in the evening, if that makes any difference.nothing on the invitation mentioned anything about a childless reception.
Baby boy! EDD 3/31/2013
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Re: they didn't invite my baby!

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    MayDay513MayDay513 member
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    ChristineM130 said:
    I was surprised and excited to receive an invitation to a distant relatives wedding.I would like to go, but the invitation was addressed to my husband and I and didn't include a baby. I will baby is 4 months old, and I don't feel comfortable with leaving him with a sitter for that long, since the wedding is out of town. I don't know if my cousin, the groom, even knows that we have a baby. What do I do? Can I ask him if my baby is allowed to go, or will that be rude? Is it not usually assume that a couple with a small baby will be bringing him? the wedding is late in the evening, if that makes any difference.nothing on the invitation mentioned anything about a childless reception.
    You can decline, you can find a sitter or you can have your husband stay home and you can attend.

    It is rude to mention adults only on the invitation.
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
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    Agree with all the others.  My last DD to be married had an evening child-free wedding and reception.  We didn't forget to invite any children or infants, they were not invited.
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    ChristineM130ChristineM130
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    okay. I was just wondering because of my own wedding, I didn't include the names of the babies on my invitations to nursing mothers. The babies came as expected and no one thought a thing of it. I wasn't sure this time, because a few relatives did receive invitations for their school age children. 
    Baby boy! EDD 3/31/2013
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    elizabethelevenelizabetheleven member
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    ChristineM130 said:

    okay. I was just wondering because of my own wedding, I didn't include the names of the babies on my invitations to nursing mothers. The babies came as expected and no one thought a thing of it. I wasn't sure this time, because a few relatives did receive invitations for their school age children. 

    If the other relatives received invites for their children and your child was not included on the invite then no, he is not invited. I wouldn't ask and I wouldn't push the topic.

    Find a sitter you feel comfortable with or decline. I agree with PPs.
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    KickAssMOHKickAssMOH member
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    It is rude to ask to bring your uninvited baby, but since you are an out of town guest, you could ask the bride for local sitter reccomendations. That would at least bring to her attention that you DO infact have a child (in case they were unaware). At that point, the bride would either reccomend a sitter or extend an invitation to your child.

    I am currently in the position of the bride who has family members wanting to [and asking to] bring their uninvited child. It has made me uncomfortable and guilty, but I reccomended several sitter options and I am sticking to my guns for a child-free wedding.  

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    itzMSitzMS member
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    ChristineM130 said:
    okay. I was just wondering because of my own wedding, I didn't include the names of the babies on my invitations to nursing mothers. The babies came as expected and no one thought a thing of it. I wasn't sure this time, because a few relatives did receive invitations for their school age children. 

    So you know which of your friends nurse and which bottlefeed? Thats kind of ...weird. So since I'm bottlefeeding, I could still bring my baby if he's not on the invitation? I would never assume that.

    Your logic is a bit off. A four month old will be just fine overnight with a grandparent or aunt/uncle. Otherwise, decline the invitation and move on like pps said.

     


     

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    AbbyjensenAbbyjensen member
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    I second the recommendation to ask if they can suggest any sitters (even if you won't come if you have to use a sitter). That will bring attention to the fact that you do have a child, if they were unaware, and clarify for you whether the baby was invited.
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    WildMageletWildMagelet member
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    I wouldn't directly ask if they're having a childfree wedding but on the probably chance they don't know you have a baby, I'd probably do what was suggested by MuppetOverlord.   The B&G will at that point will either accept your decline or invite the baby.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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    phiraphira member
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    If you are not comfortable leaving your baby with a sitter for the wedding (and I'd completely understand that!), decline the invitation. As other posters have mentioned, it would NOT be rude if you added a message indicating that you were declining because of your baby (AS LONG as the message was polite and very, "Congratulations!!"). Then, if your baby was indeed mistakenly left off the invitation, you'll hear back from the couple/hosts clarifying the invitation.

    If you didn't include names of babies on your own wedding invitations and just assumed parents would know to bring their kids, that was a breach of etiquette. If those parents brought their babies without asking you, that was also a breach of etiquette. Obviously, it worked out for the best at your own wedding, but I have to wonder how many of your guests were confused about whether or not their children were invited.
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    ChristineM130ChristineM130
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    itzMS said:
    ChristineM130 said:
    okay. I was just wondering because of my own wedding, I didn't include the names of the babies on my invitations to nursing mothers. The babies came as expected and no one thought a thing of it. I wasn't sure this time, because a few relatives did receive invitations for their school age children. 

    So you know which of your friends nurse and which bottlefeed? Thats kind of ...weird. So since I'm bottlefeeding, I could still bring my baby if he's not on the invitation? I would never assume that.

    Your logic is a bit off. A four month old will be just fine overnight with a grandparent or aunt/uncle. Otherwise, decline the invitation and move on like pps said.

     


     

    No, by nursing, I meant any child young enough to not have a plate. I am bottle feeding and agree there is no difference. And yes, I did know which mothers breastfed because my wedding was small enough that all guests were people I spent time with on a regular basis.

    Thank you to the ones above who were helpful. It's an awkward situation because my cousin probably doesn't know about my child, not because he wasn't invited.
    Baby boy! EDD 3/31/2013
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    ChristineM130ChristineM130
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    phira said:
    If you are not comfortable leaving your baby with a sitter for the wedding (and I'd completely understand that!), decline the invitation. As other posters have mentioned, it would NOT be rude if you added a message indicating that you were declining because of your baby (AS LONG as the message was polite and very, "Congratulations!!"). Then, if your baby was indeed mistakenly left off the invitation, you'll hear back from the couple/hosts clarifying the invitation.

    If you didn't include names of babies on your own wedding invitations and just assumed parents would know to bring their kids, that was a breach of etiquette. If those parents brought their babies without asking you, that was also a breach of etiquette. Obviously, it worked out for the best at your own wedding, but I have to wonder how many of your guests were confused about whether or not their children were invited.
    Thanks! I was actually close enough to the mothers that it was clear and assumed from the start that they were invited. In my own crazed wedding planning, I honestly didn't even think about it until now! I think I mighthave been confused About how many plates if they accepted for two. but I know That my own wedding was different than many others hence the reason I'm asking this question.
    Baby boy! EDD 3/31/2013
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    bunni727bunni727 member
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    KickAssMOH said:

    It is rude to ask to bring your uninvited baby, but since you are an out of town guest, you could ask the bride for local sitter reccomendations. That would at least bring to her attention that you DO infact have a child (in case they were unaware). At that point, the bride would either reccomend a sitter or extend an invitation to your child.

    I am currently in the position of the bride who has family members wanting to [and asking to] bring their uninvited child. It has made me uncomfortable and guilty, but I reccomended several sitter options and I am sticking to my guns for a child-free wedding.  

    This is a good idea, as it informs the couple that you do have a child, but doesn't in any way pressure them to invite the baby.
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    antibride2013antibride2013 member
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    My cousin had a kid free wedding and they were gracious enough to call and "politely" tell us that our kids weren't invited.  I told the bride (not my cousin-bride called) that we would probably not be able to attend because I would not leave my 3 & 6 year old 800+ miles away.  She told me "sure you can".  Anywho, when the invite came, I declined.  I then got a very angry aunt calling screaming at me because I wasn't coming. I told her I won't leave my kids and she said I was the one being rude.  Turns out a great deal of our small family declined because of the no-kids.  Those are the breaks.  The call I got after I sent a empty card was even better!

    So I guess you just have to decline, or find a sitter.  Sucks, I know.  Especially when it comes to family. 

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    itzMSitzMS member
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    Personally, I wouldn't even "suggestively hint" at the couple in regards to an uninvited baby or child. It puts unnecessary pressure on them.

    I totally respect Muppet for being able to not give in and not invite the baby in her scenario. Though not a lot of couples have that same kind of "toughness", so to speak.

     

     

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    doeydodoeydo member
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    Either accept the invitation and leave the baby with a sitter or relative of yours or decline the invite.
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    MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
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    huynhette said:
    ChristineM130 said:
    itzMS said:
    ChristineM130 said:
    okay. I was just wondering because of my own wedding, I didn't include the names of the babies on my invitations to nursing mothers. The babies came as expected and no one thought a thing of it. I wasn't sure this time, because a few relatives did receive invitations for their school age children. 

    So you know which of your friends nurse and which bottlefeed? Thats kind of ...weird. So since I'm bottlefeeding, I could still bring my baby if he's not on the invitation? I would never assume that.

    Your logic is a bit off. A four month old will be just fine overnight with a grandparent or aunt/uncle. Otherwise, decline the invitation and move on like pps said.

     


     

    No, by nursing, I meant any child young enough to not have a plate. I am bottle feeding and agree there is no difference. And yes, I did know which mothers breastfed because my wedding was small enough that all guests were people I spent time with on a regular basis.

    Thank you to the ones above who were helpful. It's an awkward situation because my cousin probably doesn't know about my child, not because he wasn't invited.
    Who wasn't helpful? I believe all the posters here have, thus far, been helpful.
    Yes, please respond to this one?
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    Going on that you said that you don't even know if realitive knows you are preganent:

    What about putting on decline, sorry we would love to come, but our baby will only be 4 months old at the time of your wedding and we won't have anyone to leave the baby with. So you are saying no to going, but this leaves the door open if the bride & groom want, to call you and say yes bring the baby or sorry to hear you won't be able to make it but congrats on your new arrival.

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    banana468banana468 member
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    I'm sorry. Why would a 4 mo need a stroller?

    Now, I'm not saying the OP's child should have been invited but the logistics you mention are far from necessary. And I say this as a parent who brought her child to 2 weddings before she was 1. (See siggy pic. )
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    TiaTea said:
    Just out of curiosity, why do you want to bring a 4mo. old to a wedding? And how exactly do you imagine it?
    The baby is 4 months. Can it even sit? Probably have to be in a stroller. Where do you put the stroller? Are you planning to hold the baby in your hands for the entire evening? You will not be able to eat or dance. If you leave the baby in the stroller by the table, aren't you afraid that with so many people around , some of them drinking maybe more than "acceptable" around a baby,  something might happen? Like a person spilling something over the baby, someone tripping? Is there enough room to "park" a stroller next to your table? The waiters and guests have to move around. Why do you want your baby to spend the evening in a noisy crowded place?

    IMO, that is the hard part of being a parent - you have to miss on many things , because you have to think of your child first. Would you take the baby to a night club? If you are not comfortable with a babysitter , there will be years before you go to a bar, a theatre, or any late night activities.

    If I were you, I'd decline even if the baby is invited.


    What?  Half of the issues you have about someone tripping over the baby, would be solved by removing the chair that should be provided for the baby anyway, and putting the stroller there.  Also, babys at that age can sit in a high chair.  My nephew was 5 months at my brother's wedding.  When I finished eating, I took him from his mom so she could eat without interruption.  I even went up on the dance floor and danced with him!  He loved it and the photographer got some cute photos too!  If parents with a young child will be around  family at a wedding, I'm sure there would be family members who would happily hold the baby so mom & dad could get a dance in, etc.  Also, there are parents who don't care if they have to hold their babys in their lap all night.  If you decide to invite parents and a baby to a wedding, it is at the parents discrection to bring the baby or leave it with a sitter, but that isn't even OP's issue.
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    simplykaylasimplykayla member
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    TiaTea said:
    Just out of curiosity, why do you want to bring a 4mo. old to a wedding? And how exactly do you imagine it?
    The baby is 4 months. Can it even sit? Probably have to be in a stroller. Where do you put the stroller? Are you planning to hold the baby in your hands for the entire evening? You will not be able to eat or dance. If you leave the baby in the stroller by the table, aren't you afraid that with so many people around , some of them drinking maybe more than "acceptable" around a baby,  something might happen? Like a person spilling something over the baby, someone tripping? Is there enough room to "park" a stroller next to your table? The waiters and guests have to move around. Why do you want your baby to spend the evening in a noisy crowded place?

    IMO, that is the hard part of being a parent - you have to miss on many things , because you have to think of your child first. Would you take the baby to a night club? If you are not comfortable with a babysitter , there will be years before you go to a bar, a theatre, or any late night activities.

    If I were you, I'd decline even if the baby is invited.

    I agree with @banana468 that a lot of that is pretty unnecessary.
    The baby does not need a stroller. A car seat maybe, some kind of carrier perhaps. But a stroller is not necessary at a wedding. Because yes, a stroller would get in the way.

    I took DS1 to a wedding when he was four months old, we kept him in his car seat on top of a high chair. And yes, we took turns holding him. Other people took turns holding him. As a parent, you're pretty much used to doing things one-handed, including eating. If we wanted to dance, friends or family offered to hold him for a few minutes.

    And it all worked out just fine. Nothing happened, nobody spilled anything on him, nobody drunkenly tripped over him. And unless you're in a super tight space venue, I don't see why the guests and waiters needing to move around is a problem. The baby is right there at the table, just as much in the way as anyone else there (assuming you don't actually bring a stroller, which you shouldn't). A wedding is not a night club.

    At four months old, I was still exclusively breastfeeding DS1. Sometimes it's not a matter of being comfortable with a babysitter or not, when a baby is that young you have to consider whether the mother is breastfeeding. If I hadn't been allowed to bring my son to that wedding, I wouldn't have gone because it would not have worked with needing to nurse him.
    I'm not saying that this means that all babies should be invited, it really depends on each situation/wedding. However, sometimes there are more things to consider than just whether or not someone can find a babysitter.
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