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I don't like his childhood friends...

sailorsgirl719sailorsgirl719 member
First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Party
So I finally got to meet my FH's childhood friends over the summer... and I don't like them.  I'm probably being terribly superficial as we didn't exactly spend a lot of time together to get to know each other, but all I could think when I met them was, "ugh, I REALLY don't want 'white trash' in my wedding."  I feel like a HORRIBLE person, but it's honestly how I'm feeling.  The relationships my man had with these guys was so long ago, he's beyond all the irresponsible partying and drinking and smoking pot that they did ten years ago.  He's so much better than that now.  I have no idea how to approach this to my FH as it is OUR wedding day and I know these guys mean a lot to him..  Really feeling lost on this, but I don't want to give in and be unhappy on our wedding day. 
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Re: I don't like his childhood friends...

  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    He gets to pick his side, you get to pick your side. You probably won't spend too much time with them on your wedding day. Besides, I know that if my SO tried to drive a wedge between me and my childhood friends, I would be furious and hurt.
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    sailorsgirl719 said:
    So I finally got to meet my FH's childhood friends over the summer... and I don't like them.  I'm probably being terribly superficial as we didn't exactly spend a lot of time together to get to know each other, but all I could think when I met them was, "ugh, I REALLY don't want 'white trash' in my wedding."  I feel like a HORRIBLE person, but it's honestly how I'm feeling.  The relationships my man had with these guys was so long ago, he's beyond all the irresponsible partying and drinking and smoking pot that they did ten years ago.  He's so much better than that now.  I have no idea how to approach this to my FH as it is OUR wedding day and I know these guys mean a lot to him..  Really feeling lost on this, but I don't want to give in and be unhappy on our wedding day. 
    First off, the term "white trash" is SUPER offensive. If you talk about this with anyone, I would steer clear of that term. 

    What are you thinking you'd say to your FI? Or what are you thinking you'd be "giving in to" that would make you unhappy? Is he asking them to be in the wedding? If so, his attendants are 100% his choice and yours are 100% your choice. Neither of you get input into each others' attendants.

    If these guys mean a lot to your FI, then you have to respect that that's where he came from. And respect their relationships. By all means you can make boundaries and expectations clear (i.e. "I don't want you smoking pot in my house", etc.), but you can't control who he's friends with. You wouldn't want him doing this to you either, so I'd let it go and focus on other stuff.
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  • AllieBear725AllieBear725 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Let him choose who he wants, it's not your decision to make. 
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  • AllieBear725AllieBear725 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    sailorsgirl719 said:
    So I finally got to meet my FH's childhood friends over the summer... and I don't like them.  I'm probably being terribly superficial as we didn't exactly spend a lot of time together to get to know each other, but all I could think when I met them was, "ugh, I REALLY don't want 'white trash' in my wedding."  I feel like a HORRIBLE person, but it's honestly how I'm feeling.  The relationships my man had with these guys was so long ago, he's beyond all the irresponsible partying and drinking and smoking pot that they did ten years ago.  He's so much better than that now.  I have no idea how to approach this to my FH as it is OUR wedding day and I know these guys mean a lot to him..  Really feeling lost on this, but I don't want to give in and be unhappy on our wedding day. 
    Also, JIC.

    My FI has his brother as his BM, and I can't stand him. Guess what? My mouth has been shut the entire planning process because it's not about me, it's who HE chose. 
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  • sailorsgirl719sailorsgirl719 member
    First Anniversary First Comment

    The wedge isn't me, it's time and distance.  They aren't close anymore.  He's going back to ten years ago when they all said, "hey if I ever get married we'll all be in each other's weddings."  I've been with him for almost three years and I've only seen him maintain a relationship with one of the three guys (the one I actually do adore) and now I'm supposed to accept strangers into one of the most important days of our lives? 

    I just prefer the idea of us sharing our special day with the friends and family we share and love..

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  • AllieBear725AllieBear725 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    sailorsgirl719 said:

    The wedge isn't me, it's time and distance.  They aren't close anymore.  He's going back to ten years ago when they all said, "hey if I ever get married we'll all be in each other's weddings."  I've been with him for almost three years and I've only seen him maintain a relationship with one of the three guys (the one I actually do adore) and now I'm supposed to accept strangers into one of the most important days of our lives? 

    I just prefer the idea of us sharing our special day with the friends and family we share and love..

    The fact is that these guys mean enough for him to ask them to be in his WP. You really need to accept that, and let him choose who he wants. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    sailorsgirl719 said:

    The wedge isn't me, it's time and distance.  They aren't close anymore.  He's going back to ten years ago when they all said, "hey if I ever get married we'll all be in each other's weddings."  I've been with him for almost three years and I've only seen him maintain a relationship with one of the three guys (the one I actually do adore) and now I'm supposed to accept strangers into one of the most important days of our lives? 

    I just prefer the idea of us sharing our special day with the friends and family we share and love..

    If he chooses any or all of these friends to stand up on his side, you have to be OK with it and not give him any grief. It'd be really hurtful. Same way he has to be ok with whoever you choose. You can invite all of your friends and family to share in your special day - they'll attend as guests.
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  • grumbledoregrumbledore member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Seriously?  It's his decision, period.  It doesn't matter if they aren't as close as they used to be.  It doesn't matter if you don't like them.  It's his decision.

    It doesn't matter what you "prefer" when it comes to his attendants.

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  • WildMageletWildMagelet member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    All of the girls I'm asking I've known for 11+ years.  We've all moved away and don't get to physically see each other very often, but every time we're together we can pick up right where we left off and if we ever need someone for a phone call or a chat day or night we're always there for each other.  Obviously your FI's relationships with his friends have endured through their time apart.  If they are his nearest & dearest friends and he wants to include them on his side of the WP I think you should respect that.  You aren't required to like all of his friends.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    As annoying as they might be, it's your FI's decision to make that they be his attendants, just as it's yours who your attendants are.  Maybe he doesn't like them but is putting up with them for your sake.  Either way, you need to do the same for his sake.
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  • Pepper6Pepper6 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Everyone has given good advice.  You can't really tell him who he can and can't have in his WP.

    However, I will also give you something else to think about...my H had his two brothers and his best friend as his WP, and I like them all, but still didn't see them for more than 5 minutes during our reception.  If you don't like them, it will likely be even easier to avoid hanging out with them.  It's really inconsequential and the end of the day, so don't let this ruin your wedding day, and most importantly, don't let it cause a rift between you and your FI.
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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You have ever right to come on TK and bitch about these guys and their antics. But you are not going to come off well at all if you mention this to him. The wedding isn't just about you. I know you don't think it is, but you are seriously wading into bridezilla pond.



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  • kefryarkefryar member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its

    Do NOT say anything to him about how you "hate" his friends. My FI doesn't really like 4 of my 6 BMs, and I know, but he would NEVER tell me that I couldn't put them in the wedding. If he did, there wouldn't be a wedding.

    He bitches occasionally and that is annoying enough. Don't be annoying.

     

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  • saric83saric83 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper

    I do get it to some degree, but like PP's said, you have to let it go! 

    Maybe he's thinking about how he wants dudes from across his life to support him in the biggest moment of his life.  They might not be close friends now, but at one point, they were probably his whole world with his childhood memories wrapped up in them. 

    Respect that.  Be grateful for the friendships he's had/has with them because even though you think he's so different from them now, they helped form who he is today. 

    You don't have to understand, but it's important to him, so it should be important to you. :)  Good luck! 

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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    First, calling people trash doesn't exactly paint you in a good light.

    Second, if you don't want to be unhappy on your wedding day, start getting over it now.  Will you be married to the love of your life at the end of the day? Yes? Then be happy.

    Third, if these guys mean a lot to him, respect him.  He likes these guys.  Your dissing them is an insult to your fiance.
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