Wedding Etiquette Forum

Shower/bachelorette same day, but not all invited... not sure I'm down with this....

Hi guys - So a good friend is getting married in November, and her shower is in a few weeks. The shower is about 2 hours away from where I and a lot of her friends live. It's about a 4 hour drive for the other friends. Ok, a bit of a haul (and I have to rent a car, etc to get there). But she is a great friend and I'm happy to do it, I"m still on the post-wedding high and love to support other brides.

We had lunch yesterday, and she mentioned that they're having a bachelorette party for her that night, but that not all the shower invitees are invited (apparently including me, as this was all news).  Basically the person planning it thinks it's fine to invite women to drive 2-4 hours to a shower at a VINEYARD but not invite them to join in plans that would involve an overnight stay - so they can can actually enjoy the wine at the vineyard and continue to celebrate their friend. I'm not hurt, per se, but I'm a little surprised and I'm sure at some point on my 2+ hour drive home I'll be shaking my head at being given the bum's rush out of the celebration. The bride is also annoyed, but said she tried to talk to her MOH who is planning it, who told her to stay of it, that she was planning it her way.

Would you be hurt/annoyed if you were in my shoes? Or just go, have fun, and come home.

 

Re: Shower/bachelorette same day, but not all invited... not sure I'm down with this....

  • I'm torn - because on one hand, if so many of the girls have to drive that far, it makes sense to do both at the same time. And I don't think that they have to invite everyone if they're two separate events. But I do see why you would be upset.

    I'm not sure that they're really in the wrong though. 
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  • And I would be more than happy to pay for the bachelorette - this friend came to mine just last month, which was out of they way and a bit on the expensive side, and was just close friends. I am not friends w/ her childhood friends who are planning these parties, so unfortunately don't think I can even say, "hey i'd love to be part of this!"

  • Technically its two separate events. But it would be nice to be invited to both. :) I would be a little irritated too if I had to drive that far.
  • and it's even worse for the girst who are a good 4 hours away, not including traffic. they aren't invited to the evening party!  If someone is such a good friend that you would drive 4-5 hours for the shower, they are good enough friends to be invited to the bachelorette. IMHO and experience.

  • Hi guys - So a good friend is getting married in November, and her shower is in a few weeks. The shower is about 2 hours away from where I and a lot of her friends live. It's about a 4 hour drive for the other friends. Ok, a bit of a haul (and I have to rent a car, etc to get there). But she is a great friend and I'm happy to do it, I"m still on the post-wedding high and love to support other brides.

    We had lunch yesterday, and she mentioned that they're having a bachelorette party for her that night, but that not all the shower invitees are invited (apparently including me, as this was all news).  Basically the person planning it thinks it's fine to invite women to drive 2-4 hours to a shower at a VINEYARD but not invite them to join in plans that would involve an overnight stay - so they can can actually enjoy the wine at the vineyard and continue to celebrate their friend. I'm not hurt, per se, but I'm a little surprised and I'm sure at some point on my 2+ hour drive home I'll be shaking my head at being given the bum's rush out of the celebration. The bride is also annoyed, but said she tried to talk to her MOH who is planning it, who told her to stay of it, that she was planning it her way.

    Would you be hurt/annoyed if you were in my shoes? Or just go, have fun, and come home.

     


    I would be PISSED if my MOH told me somehthing like this and I wanted to invite my other friends to my b -party...I mean I get the MOH is hosting, but it is YOUR party and you should be able to invite who you would like and she can plan a party within her means for that amt of people.
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  • She shouldn't have even mentioned it to you.
  • Eh, it might be rude, but it isn't against etiquette.

    The rules of etiquette state that anyone invited to a pre-wedding celebration MUST be invited to a wedding.  NOT that everyone invited to the wedding must be invited to every.single. pre wedding celebration (or any, as a matter of fact)

    Should the MOH have taken into consideration the out of town friends?  Sure.  That would have been nice...but odds are, she may not know them and doesn't necessarily know who the bride is/isn't close to.  Hence, she likely went with local guests she does know and likely knows what kind of relationship they have with the bride.
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  • I think she mentioned it because really, if they're starting it right after the shower, it will be pretty obvious. And the drive was long enough, and clearly involving wine since it's at a vineyard, that i probably would have asked the girls what their evening plans were anyway, since we don't get together that often.

    No skin off my back, I'd rather be home w/ DH anyway, and save a few hundred bucks by not needing a hotel and bachelorette party things.

  • Yikes I almost feel like this could be about me (but I'm pretty sure it isn't).  So I gave my MOHs my list for the shower vs the bachelorette party.  The lists vary a bit, and the shower list is heavier than the bachelorette party list.

    Due to the distance of my one MOH, she has to fly in so they made the decision to do it all in one day.  That said, it is still 2 separate events.  I wrestled with the idea of not including certain friends in the bach party now that I knew it was happening all on the same day.

    In the end I stuck with the decision to keep the lists separate and stick with the original lists.  They are truly 2 separate events (morning vs evening), and everyone is local except the one BM so nobody is driving a long distance to attend either event.

    In your case it kind of stinks because it is a distance for some, but it sounds like the bride didn't really have any control over it.

  • I'd be bummed not to be included as a friend of the bride. But I can see why not all bridal shower guests would be invited to Bachlorette party.Not that my party was crazy but I would my MIL or any of the aunts or great aunts there. But I have to say, if the majority (if not all) of the bachlorette party guests were going to be at the bridal shower & it was a road trip for them, I think it's brillant to put it all in one weekend to help limit the amount of times travel is needed.

    If you know any other girls that are going, why not make your own girls weekend out of it and find a local B&B or hotel, stay the night and enjoy the winery. Where there is usually one winery there are more, you can do a little winery tour of your own with your other friends who were also not invited to bachlorette party. Maybe you can meet bride for breakfast the next day.

  • I wouldn't worry about it or get hurt feelings. Have fun at the shower and plan something cute to do with your husband so that you have something to look forward to as well. Maybe bring home a bottle of wine from the winery and cook dinner together. 

    It's not the best idea to combine the shower/bachelorette party and start with a big group and then dwindle down to a small group for the evening plans, because it's confusing and awkward and potentially hurtful. But oh well, this is what they're planning and that's okay. You'll just stress yourself out if you allow yourself to get hurt over it. Also I would suggest to you that you make fun plans with the bride-to-be before her wedding ie; go out for lunch together somewhere cute so that you get a fun time with her one-on-one and reconnect with her. If you're like me you'd rather do that than get included in the bachelorette anyway.
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • I would be pissed if I was the bride, but if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't worry about it.
  • I think she mentioned it because really, if they're starting it right after the shower, it will be pretty obvious. And the drive was long enough, and clearly involving wine since it's at a vineyard, that i probably would have asked the girls what their evening plans were anyway, since we don't get together that often.

    That makes sense. If I was traveling 2-4 hours for a shower, I'd probably stay the night . And if I was the bride and knew all these people were coming that far and staying overnight I'd probably be see if they wanted to grab dinner or drinks later. 

    I'd be bummed too :(
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  • Great ideas re: brining some good wine home and cooking w/ DH or making a nice weekend of it. Thank you ladies!!
  • Tell her if you're having a shower at a vineyard invite the drinkers to a second party!!  :)

    I think I would feel differerently if the shower wasn't at a place that screams "LET'S PARTY!!!"  Oh, no only the girls staying for the later event can really party because the rest of us have to drive home! Sadly, no public tranportation is close either.... whatevs.

  • Can you afford to stay overnight with your husband at a B&B nearby? He could do something relaxing while you are at the bridal shower and then you could go back to the B&B and have dinner, tour some wineries....wishful thinking. lol. 
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • I'd be more upset with the MOH than the bride in this situation.  Especially since the bride seemed to indicate to you that you would have been invited if the MOH didn't tell the bride to mind her business about the party.  I don't think brides should plan showers or b-parties, but its perfectly acceptable to ask them for a preferred guest list.  It really wouldn't add to the MOH & other BMs costs to have more people in attendance as the extra guests would be paying for their own hotel room, drinks, etc.  If anything, if could save the BP some cash when other guests of the b party buy the bride some drinks.
  • Yeah generally the more people they invite the cheaper it is for splitting hotel rooms and costs and treating the bride! 
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
  • Yellow - I really like that idea. OliveOil - def not mad at the bride, I love her to pieces and will do whatever is easiest. Not really mad at all, just SMH a little :)
  • lc07lc07 member
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    If I were you, I would not be happy. In my circle, bridal showers are nearest and dearest and if you consider me close enough of a friend to ask me to drive 2+ hours to bring you a gift I'd be totally put-off by not being invited to attend the following bachelorette party that presumably is more fun. Frankly, I would let the bride know how I felt and likely decline the shower invitation.

    If I were the bride, I'd decline a bachelorette party that rudely excluded some of my closest friends who were traveling such great distances to shower me with gifts prior to an event they are not invited to that I would have liked them to be invited to.
  • I would be pissed. You have to drive for 2 hours, give the bride a gift, and then leave when they decide it's time to go out and actually have fun?

    Although I hate showers.



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