Guests NOT Attending

Comipa · August 2013

We are having a small wedding. We intended to have about 80 guests. We sent out all the invites (we invited close to 100 expecting certain people to not attend but knew they still wanted an invite), paid the rentals and cake based on 80 people. Paid for everything based on 80 people.

We expected 80 of them to be able to attend. As it turns out we are not important enough to most of MY family or his mom's side of the family to request work off.

I just spoke with his cousin. Her family alone was 6 people. None of them will be attending because she 'can't get work off' however, she immediately informs me that they will all be visiting the area to go to Disneyland for her birthday. I feel like Disneyland is more important to her than our wedding. Her and my fiance were close when they were kids. I'm still a little shocked and very angry.

I'm also finding out that some friends that I considered to be good friends won't be coming because they have church that night.

It's like... thanks for letting us know where we stand in your eyes. Thanks for letting us know just how unimportant we are to you.

I may be overreacting and I may not have any right to be saying anything. But I still feel slighted.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

It does suck. However, it can be hard to get time off from work, and your cousin probably had Disneyland in the books for months if not close to a year.

Is there any way you can upgrade some of your stuff since you have fewer people coming? More apps, more alcohol, etc.?

Comipa · August 2013

Maybe we can upgrade some stuff.

But I can guarantee that the cousin did not have Disneyland planned for any sort of time. They have a pass and go just whenever. In the last few months they've gone 3 times. It's always been a 'Hey we have free time. Let's go to Disneyland.' type thing for them since they all have passes.

I'm trying to convince myself that the people to whom we matter to will be there. We are important enough to them for them to make the effort to be there.

Simply Fated · August 2013

I agree, try to get some stuff upgraded.

And try not to take it hard that people can't come. I have had to miss out on some really important stuff because of work. I missed my best friend's grandfather's funeral for something once and we aren't friends anymore because of it. I felt horrible, but she never forgave me. Please don't end a friendship or relationship with someone over this. It's really not that you don't matter enough, it's just not everything goes according to plan.

Your wedding will never be important to other people as it is to you and your fiance. It's the sad truth. It has nothing to do with how much or how little they care about you.

On a sidenote, this is why people should never give excuses as to why they can't go somewhere.

I really am sorry so many people are declining, but as long as your fiance is there, all should be well.

Grabows14 · August 2013

@simply Fated great point! Honestly just keep positive and give them the benefit of the doubt, who knows what they are really going through. Look on the bright side and you may be able to afford extras like an upgraded bar, or additional decorations.... Your wedding will be beautiful regardless of who is there to see it!

allispain · August 2013

I totally understand where you are coming from. We originally invited 118 people with the idea in mind that around 100 would actually be able to attend. In the end, we only had 87. We heard a lot of reasons from people. I tried to be as understanding as possible when work, unexpected bills, and other things prevented some people I really wanted to be there from attending. It still hurt, though. I never felt like I wasn't important to them, but I was hurt that they hadn't thought to plan enough in advance to ensure that they could be there to celebrate with us.

What was very upsetting, however, was when someone I have known since childhood (we went to elementary, middle, and high school together - and then went to college together) didn't even bother to RSVP. When I tried to get a hold of her via multiple phone, e-mail, and facebook, she still never responded. That was painful, since I have always tried to support her throughout the years.

What I can tell you is that even though we had less guests than we were originally planning for, our wedding was amazing. We had so much fun with our guests and were truly thankful that they were able to be there to celebrate with us. So go ahead a feel a bit sad that your friends and family won't all be there - but in no way should you allow that to put a damper on your wedding day!

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

It's hard not to take it personally, but you will have better relationships with these people if you let it go. It's not fair to assume that you're "not important enough to them", etc. Unless they said to you, "you are not important enough to me to take the time off work" then you are making an unfair assumption about why they aren't coming. They probably feel really bad that they can't make it.

Either make some upgrades to your party, or save the money you'd otherwise spend. Use it for your honeymoon. Or buy something for your home together.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

Honestly, please don't take it personally. There are a lot of reasons stuff like this happens. I work in a field where there are four solid months -- 120 days -- in which we are not allowed to take vacation or personal leave. Period. The only exception is childbirth. I am going to miss a good friend's wedding this year because it's during one of those periods and I can't take vacation and it's so far away that I can't just go up and come up in the same day. Am I bummed? Absolutely! Does it mean I don't love her? No, not at all. People have lives, and stuff happens. It's sad, but it doesn't reflect on how much they care about you.

LDubHawksFan · August 2013

Try not to take it personally. Since you mentioned something about someone not being able to miss church, I'm assuming you are getting married on a Sunday? That makes it harder for M-F guests to come. My boss just reiterated how taking Fridays off is more preferable than Mondays. Plus kids are just starting back at school and most parents don't want them to miss school.
We had a lot of people not be able to come and at first I was sad, but I realized it wasn't because they didn't live us, but some are in very different points in their lives and couldn't.
For the cousin that has passes, try not to let that bother you. Maybe her bday falls in a Saturday which is easier to travel for. FYI, those passes have almost as many blackout dates as open dates, so she very well may not have been able to go this whole summer. I don't think you should look at it like she is choosing Mickey over you, but those passes are several hundred dollars each, so for a family of 6, that may have spent well over $2k and I sure as hell would be trying to get my money's worth!!

Comipa · August 2013

I understand that things come up and that work and church obligations are important.

We are getting married at 6PM on a Sunday. The friend saying he can't go due to church is, I think, full of it since even if he attended an afternoon service, they could still attend. Our venue is not even an hour away from them WITH bad traffic.

The cousin not attending is really something I shouldn't be surprised by, but it still hurts. Her mother, my fiance's only aunt on his mother's side. is just the same way. However, his aunt, cousin, and her husband and kids are his ONLY family on his mom's side since she passed away 7 months ago. It upsets me that THAT side of the family will not be represented.

I get that about 2/3rds of the people here think I shouldn't take it personally. There are all kinds of excuses that come up, some legit, some not. I get it.

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

But you do have my sympathy -- because it's easy for *us* to tell *you* not to take it personally, but it still hurts. And you're still allowed to feel hurt about it. And I get that too, I really do.

libby2483 · August 2013

Comipa said:

I understand that things come up and that work and church obligations are important.

We are getting married at 6PM on a Sunday. The friend saying he can't go due to church is, I think, full of it since even if he attended an afternoon service, they could still attend. Our venue is not even an hour away from them WITH bad traffic.

The cousin not attending is really something I shouldn't be surprised by, but it still hurts. Her mother, my fiance's only aunt on his mother's side. is just the same way. However, his aunt, cousin, and her husband and kids are his ONLY family on his mom's side since she passed away 7 months ago. It upsets me that THAT side of the family will not be represented.

I get that about 2/3rds of the people here think I shouldn't take it personally. There are all kinds of excuses that come up, some legit, some not. I get it.

I understand how frustrating it can be when people you expected to come cannot make it. However, by choosing to have your wedding on a Sunday night, you had to realize that you may have a higher number of declines. I am a teacher and although I get the summers off, during the school year, I have only two personal/vacations days. So if I had to take a Monday off of work to attend an OOT wedding on a Sunday evening, I would only do it if I were extremely close to the couple.

Comipa · August 2013

It was more the date that we wanted then the day it was on. The 15th of September is already our anniversary. We wanted to keep it that way and I wasn't about to wait another 4 or 5 years for the 15th to fall on a Friday or Saturday. :P

WildMagelet · August 2013

It hurts, and it sucks. I get it. Try not to take it personal.

I've had jobs where I've had to battle to get any time off. I've had jobs where I asked for time off 6-8 months in advance and they gave the time off to someone else instead. Almost every company I've worked for has had lock-out dates. FI has a job where it's fairly easy to move your time off but if anyone else is off at the same time he can't take off too. Just because they got approved for time off for her birthday doesn't mean she didn't try to get time off for your wedding and was declined.

kefryar · August 2013

Well duh her vacation is more important. Your wedding is not the center of ANYONE'S universe but your own.

I'd skip most people's weddings for disneyland.

Comipa · August 2013

@kefryar - They go to Disneyland every few months.

kefryar · August 2013

im assuming you guys live in california?

It sucks, I know, but you just need to keep in mind that it's not a personal insult to you-they had plans. I personally wouldn't be offended if my cousin chose not to come to my wedding-it would be different if it were my sister or best friend.

staar987 · August 2013

It sucks. I understand that. But at the same time you have to realize that people have lives. They don't have to and sometimes can't drop everything for your wedding. Also this happens when you choose a less than convienent date. Monday's are not easy for many people to get off especially at the start of the school year.

It sounds like you are having an evening wedding. You may want to prepare yourself for people leaving the reception early because they have to get up early for work the next day. If we were local and went to your wedding that started at 6 pm, we would probably leave around 8 or so.

antibride2013 · August 2013

What do you mean the 15th is already your anniversary? I am confused.

KeptInStitches · August 2013

@antibride2013 - I assume the 15th is her dating anniversary.

LDubHawksFan · August 2013

Comipa said:
@kefryar - They go to Disneyland every few months.

Like I said, if they have passes, choosing to go throughout the year doesn't cost them a thing, whereas your wedding may mean hotel costs, pto requests, gift costs, etc. you can't judge how they use their money.
You picked an inconvenient day for an evening wedding for the sake of keeping your dating anniversary the same as your wedding anniversary. You chose that over the convenience to your guests, so you can't get upset when those guests choose to decline, for whatever reason.

Gisellerina · August 2013

Some of your guests are probably disappointed to be missing your wedding and already feel bad about it. I missed the wedding of one of my best friends. Unfortunately, the date she selected coincided with my scheduled vacation to a foreign country. As then-FI had already planned and paid for our vacation, I couldn't cancel so that I could attend her wedding (in another foreign country). Me not going wasn't at all because she wasn't important to me, but because I had already committed to something else. I'm missing the wedding of a family member because of a work conference. Again, not because the family member isn't important to me, but because I can't shirk my professional obligations.

Maybe you can focus on your excitement for the friends and family who will be there rather than your disappointment at those who won't? (After you've had some time to wallow - because some RSVP declines really do hurt).

And like Simply Fated said above, don't let your disappointment ruin or impair your relationships with those not attending. Most likely, they already feel bad.

Bubblegum5586 · August 2013

I got a lot more "no's" then I had thought. I know that feeling how important it is to you and you think everyone will feel that way... but of course they don't. Specially people who fall into that "wedding age" we literally have a wedding every other weekend! Some have to get missed. The hardest part for me is that of the 20+ weddings FI and I have been invite to in the past 6 years... I have never declined 1 invite. Including traveling across the country for some.

But I went because I wanted to, not because I wanted them to "owe" me and come to mine or anything. But again... I am still bummed that some people can't make it, but a lot of people can and I can't wait to celebrate with them!

Guests NOT Attending

Re: Guests NOT Attending

Choose Another Board

Search Boards