My fiance is holding a grudge against my family

AnnOn2014 · August 2013

Hello. Me again.

I had previously posted about how my immediate family does not want to attend our wedding for religious reasons. This has proven to be very hurtful for myself, as well as my fiance's side of the family. Now my fiance is holding a grudge against them that I am afraid will never dissapear. How can I help him see the bigger picture in all of this?

See "Family Won't Attend Wedding" for additional background information.

Thanks for your insight in advance!

VarunaTT · August 2013

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/990836/family-won-t-attend-wedding#latest

VarunaTT · August 2013

out of curiosity....what do you think is the bigger picture?

GBCK · August 2013

So...let me get this straight.

Your family is being assholes--they are deliberately boycotting your wedding as a way of saying "eff you" to you and your FI about your religious choices and wedding venue.

You know your family is being deliberately hurtful to you on this, as does your FI.

Your FI is saying them acting like whiney little assholes is going to affect his relationship w/ them and instead of saying "you're right, this sort of behavior is indicative of the fact that they aren't the people I thought they were" you're saying "forgive/don't hold a grudge/be a doormat"?

cruffino · August 2013

the grudge is there now because this issue is still in the forefront of your lives. it may or may not change in the future. there's no way to know.

my cousin's father didn't attend her wedding because she married a non-Catholic. it was very hurtful. but then she got pregnant and he wised up. he realized how stupid it was to distance himself from his child and grandchild over differing beliefs.

i hope your family wises up too. and then maybe your FI will soften towards them. but right now all he sees is how much they are hurting you. its right for him to be angry.

AuntFlo · August 2013

This all sounds like a recipe for success.

Ilumine · August 2013

What exactly is the bigger picture?

You have two choices, marry your husband and create your new life together (that is the whole point of marriage btw) or don't marry your husband and stay the course with your family.

The choice is yours.

PirateBarbie · August 2013

AnnOn2014 said:

Hello. Me again.

I had previously posted about how my immediate family does not want to attend our wedding for religious reasons. This has proven to be very hurtful for myself, as well as my fiance's side of the family. Now my fiance is holding a grudge against them that I am afraid will never dissapear. How can I help him see the bigger picture in all of this?

See "Family Won't Attend Wedding" for additional background information.

Thanks for your insight in advance!

"holding a grudge against them" - what does this entail? he's not talking to them? he does not want to get together with them? does he not want you to have contact with them? does he not want them to be a part of your lives for ever and ever?

you need to make a choice here. based on this:

"How can I help him see the bigger picture in all of this?"

it sounds like you are siding with your family.

if you're planning to have a lasting marriage with this guy, then your relationship with him needs to be your primary relationship. you need to be a unit. while you may have different religious beliefs, you need to be able to present a united front in cases like this.

Your FI isn't being unreasonable here - he's expecting his partner to stand with him on this decision to have a Catholic ceremony. Your OP sounded like you were aligned with this because you understood the significance to him. Now it sounds like you're siding with your parents/family because they are bigoted and threw a hissy fit.

Rather than trying to "get him to see the big picture" (whatever the heck that's supposed to mean here) , maybe you should grow a pair and tell your parents that "[you] are sorry they feel that way, and hope they will reconsider their stance, but [you] love this man, and marrying him in a Catholic ceremony is important [to the two of you as a couple]. [You]'ll be disappointed if they make the choice not to attend for this reason, but [you] will understand." - END OF DISCUSSION

HisGirlFriday13 · August 2013

I remember commenting on your original post.

The "bigger picture" in this is that your family is behaving badly. Your FI sees that and is reacting to it. What "bigger picture" other than that do you want him to see?

It's probably easy for you to forgive your family, because you have a history with them and you have (I hope) a whole lot of good to outweigh the bad that they're doing right now. Your FI doesn't have that. He has only this snapshot in time of their behavior, and it's hurtful to him. And he has the right to be hurt, he really does.

You need to sit down and think about what you want and who you're going to back -- your FI or your family. Because you can't back them both. And if you're serious about marriage and marrying your FI, you need to back him, and that means telling your family, "I'm sorry you won't be attending our wedding, but I have to tell you that this will irreparably damage our relationship, so I need you to think about whether you're willing to do that."

AnnOn2014 · August 2013

Please do not assume here that I haven't sided with my fiance. I have. I have also told my family that if they choose to not attend, then that is their choice but we are moving forward. We are continuing the Catholic ceremony and I would have it no other way.

What I mean by "bigger picture" for those who don't understand is that a wedding is one day but a marraige is a lifetime. Even if it is hurtful to me, I stand by my future husband and he knows this. I have told him and we are moving forward. My family claims that they will welcome us into their homes and love us just the same, but that they would feel like hypocrites going to a wedding with the beliefs they have. I 100% disagree with this and am furious by it. However, I do not want us to hold grudges with my entire family the rest of our lives. I'm saying, in the bigger picture, I want them all in my life. We both have a right to be angry, I am just trying to help both of us be the bigger people in this situation.

Thanks.

AnnOn2014 · August 2013

To AuntFlo-

This is a problem we are having with my family. I am not having a problem with my fiance. Thanks I am simply trying to find a way to keep my fiance from hating my family for the rest of our lives. My relationship with my fiance is actually extremely healthy and we do have a recipe for success. Thanks for the sarcastic and unhelpful response.

hmonkey · August 2013

@auntflo

[Deleted User] · August 2013

I think I see the issue. I don't think he's holding a grudge really. Because they won't put their personal beliefs aside to be there for you on one of the biggest days of your life and you are rightfully upset. Because you are upset, he is upset. He wants you to have the wedding of your dreams (and his) and part of that is having both families there to witness it. I think he is just as hurt as you.

Will he (and possibly you) always have this somewhere in the back of your minds going forward, maybe. Will he continue to be upset about it for a while, probably. But I don't think that's unreasonable. But I'm sure as time goes on and things get to normal, their relationships will be as it should. As long as you two are happy with your decision that's all that matters.

In the end, it's your family that will loss out by not watching you get married and down the road possibly seeing the different religious events your kids will be a part of. Sending positive vibes that your family changes their mind and comes last minute and if they don't, enjoy your day, it will be wonderful no matter what.

SBmini · August 2013

That is a burn that is going to take a while to heal. I wouldn't push anything right now. Focus on you, focus on your wedding. The wound will heal in time.

ReturnOfKuus · August 2013

Ann, I don't think you are seeing the bigger picture.

These people want so badly to control you and your fiance that they won't even attend your wedding. I mean, really. What would it cost them to attend this? It's not like you're asking them to participate in a black mass. All they have to do is sit there for an hour, maybe, then be happy that you're in love and committed to each other, and eat some dinner and cake. That's it. And they are so controlling that they cannot bring themselves to do this.

They aren't happy for you. They value taking a stand against your (rather benign) individual choices over being part of a special day in your life. And really, they're hoping that taking this stand will cause you to knuckle under and let them choose your religion and beliefs, rather than you being entitled to choose for yourself.

The big picture is this: this kind of control issue isn't going to go away magically the day after the wedding. This is just who they are. They are people who would rather everyone be miserable than give up control of your thoughts. This is who your fiance is signing on for a lifetime of being legally related to, because he loves you, but would YOU want to build a relationship with people like this? Would it be "holding a grudge" or "not seeing the big picture" if you considered these people to be jerks?

Unless "the big picture" is that only you, your feelings, and your mental image of what family relationships should be, is what is important, then maybe he can help you see the big picture.

AuntFlo · August 2013

What the hell? Why did I get called out?

AuntFlo · August 2013

GBCK · August 2013

Our society often preaches the virtues of forgiveness.
Our society is often incredibly stupid.

There's 'forgiveness' and there's "please, hurt me again".

My fiance is holding a grudge against my family

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