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Engagement Gift

fsc2010fsc2010 member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So my FBIL and FSIL got engaged about a month before my FI and I got engaged. There was a whole different set of problems related to that since my FBIL had originally told my FI he wouldn't propose till my FI did. They talked about it, we worked it through and sent them a nice engagement gift package with a variety of sentimental, meaningful gifts. When it was all said and done, with shipping the gift totaled about $125. We don't make a lot of money, I'm in school and my FI started a new job not too long ago. When we got engaged we got a package from my FSIL. It was a small gift, just for me. My FBIL didn't sign the card and it was a cheap little gift that was about $40. There was no mention of my FI and it's not something I'd ever buy for myself. I'm upset because they make a considerable amount more than we do and are registered for super expensive gifts for their wedding (1 bath towel starts at $75 on their registries) and I feel that if you are going to give your FBIL/FSIL a gift it should at least be meaningful. Am I wrong for being upset? Should I just grin & bare it? What can I do?
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Re: Engagement Gift

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    anniectaylor said:
    So my FBIL and FSIL got engaged about a month before my FI and I got engaged. There was a whole different set of problems related to that since my FBIL had originally told my FI he wouldn't propose till my FI did. They talked about it, we worked it through and sent them a nice engagement gift package with a variety of sentimental, meaningful gifts. When it was all said and done, with shipping the gift totaled about $125. We don't make a lot of money, I'm in school and my FI started a new job not too long ago. When we got engaged we got a package from my FSIL. It was a small gift, just for me. My FBIL didn't sign the card and it was a cheap little gift that was about $40. There was no mention of my FI and it's not something I'd ever buy for myself. I'm upset because they make a considerable amount more than we do and are registered for super expensive gifts for their wedding (1 bath towel starts at $75 on their registries) and I feel that if you are going to give your FBIL/FSIL a gift it should at least be meaningful. Am I wrong for being upset? Should I just grin & bare it? What can I do?
    Gifts are not tit for tat.  If $125 was too much for you financially, you shouldn't have spent that much or got them anything at all. And I would consider a gift worth $40 to be valuable.  Maybe your FSIL thought the gift was meaningful.  If she doesn't know you too well, how can she know what to get you.  Based on your FSIL's tastes, maybe she thought that your git was not meaningful.  You need to stop being upset and just be gracious at the gift your were given.
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    melbelleupmelbelleup member
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    edited September 2013
    You're completely wrong. They didn't have to give you a gift. You didn't have to give them a gift. You wanted to give them a gift and at the time you were fine with that price tag. It's not a I paid this much so you have to pay this much gift. Grin and bare it and realize it doesn't matter in the end and that it was very thoughtful they got you a gift as was it very thoughtful you got them one. I have never ever received an engagement gift nor would I expect one, so be happy you got anything. Write them or tell them how thankful you are for it and let it go. If you hate it--return it. In the end, it's about how nice it was of them to think about you enough to get you something.


    Regarding their registry- just because they have expensive stuff on it, does not mean you have to buy it. Find something cool that you know they would like that is cheaper.. or give them cash. On registries brides should have a mixture of prices anyways that way people who don't want to spend a ton on a gift don't have to.

    ETA: To me, $40 isn't cheap... my usual wedding gifts balance at $50-$60... Just something to think about.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    edited September 2013
    anniectaylor said:
    So my FBIL and FSIL got engaged about a month before my FI and I got engaged. There was a whole different set of problems related to that since my FBIL had originally told my FI he wouldn't propose till my FI did. They talked about it, we worked it through and sent them a nice engagement gift package with a variety of sentimental, meaningful gifts. When it was all said and done, with shipping the gift totaled about $125. We don't make a lot of money, I'm in school and my FI started a new job not too long ago. When we got engaged we got a package from my FSIL. It was a small gift, just for me. My FBIL didn't sign the card and it was a cheap little gift that was about $40. There was no mention of my FI and it's not something I'd ever buy for myself. I'm upset because they make a considerable amount more than we do and are registered for super expensive gifts for their wedding (1 bath towel starts at $75 on their registries) and I feel that if you are going to give your FBIL/FSIL a gift it should at least be meaningful. Am I wrong for being upset? Should I just grin & bare it? What can I do?
    Yes - I think you're wrong to be upset. 

    First of all, it doesn't matter when other people get engaged. It doesn't have an effect on you at all unless you let it. You are letting it affect you. You'll be happier if you don't.

    Secondly, what you spent on their engagement present is completely unrelated to what they spend on yours. It's nice you even got something at all. I almost can't believe you're complaining about receiving a gift and thinking people should give you more expensive presents... It sounds really spoiled and ungrateful. Write them a thank you note. 

    Third, why do you care what's on their registry? You don't have to purchase something from it. If you want to give them a "cheap" $40 gift card to the store where they're registered, that's a very nice gift. 

    You should never expect to get gifts and it's in EXTREMELY poor form to be ungrateful when you receive one. Graciously accept gifts that people give you and write a thank you note.

    ETA: spelling
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    MoonlightSilverMoonlightSilver member
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    You don't know their actual financial situation. They gave you a gift, be grateful!
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    KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
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    What should you do? Be grateful. Write a lovely note to them. Consider that you don't know their whole financial situation. Remember that you don't have to buy anything off their registry. Remember that you do not and should not have control over when anyone else gets engaged or married.
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    melbelleupmelbelleup member
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    edited September 2013
    OH also about the whole engagement thing: My brother's now fiance threatened him that if I got engaged before her she'd flip. She then told my other brother this and my SIL. Needless to say, once I heard this, I told my now fiance that he has to propose to me before her... just because I am that person. If it pisses you off, imma do it. You can't control when someone gets engaged, get over it.


    Needless to say, my fiance did propose before my brother.....they got engaged 2-3 months after us, and getting married 3 weeks after us. No one argued, fought or anything, Not a big deal.
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
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    Petty, table of one. You are 100% wrong.
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    yellowdaisies84yellowdaisies84 member
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    You got to choose what you wanted to send them and you set the budget for that. They got to choose what they wanted to send you and set the budget for that. Engagement gifts are not necessary, they do not need to be related to your income or what you put on your own wedding registry. They do not need to be meaningful, and different people have different ideas of what makes a meaningful or a good gift. 

    You should try very hard to never get upset because someone gave you a gift. It is a very thoughtful and generous thing to give someone a gift- no matter what the pricetag and you should work on being grateful and going with the flow. Send them a thank-you card and let it go. Do not compare the gifts that you give with the gifts that you get. It is the thought that counts- so give with your heart, and give what makes you happy. Anything you receive in return is icing on the cake.
    "It's always better when we're together." -Jack Johnson
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
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    You're probably friends with this girl. 

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    aurorajanetteaurorajanette member
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    To be quite honest, your concern is extremely petty. You should never expect a gift from anyone, especially for merely getting engaged (isn't the ring enough of a gift for you?). Even for engagement parties, most people gift a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates as a token of congrats... and not $40 wine either. 

    You sent them a gift because you wanted to, and you shouldn't expect anything in return except a thank you note. The fact that she sent you a gift, especially one that cost $40 was very generous of her, and now it's your turn to write a thank you note.

    And seriously never ever complain about receiving a gift again.
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    CoeurCoeur member
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    The general theme here seems very thoroughly conveyed, and I'd have to agree.

    But here's something else to think about too, if you can't help but feel slighted even despite your better judgment:  Engagement gifts are not status quo.  It may be that they did not expect to exchange engagement gifts, but seeing your generous gesture FSIL quickly insisted they reciprocate as best they could.  Perhaps they had intended to put their entire investment into a very nice wedding gift instead; and of course there are the parties to consider, and the potential bridal shower, and all sorts of other potentials for gift exchanges and tokens.  In fact, my friends and I have ended up with so many insane amounts of things to shell out for in this past half a decade that we never exchange engagement gifts - strictly bridal showers and wedding gifts and the rest for good food and fun parties.  I'm sure when the dust settles after a years worth of celebration and exchange that you'll come out even. 
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    ViczaesarViczaesar member
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    anniectaylor said:
    So my FBIL and FSIL got engaged about a month before my FI and I got engaged. There was a whole different set of problems related to that since my FBIL had originally told my FI he wouldn't propose till my FI did. They talked about it, we worked it through and sent them a nice engagement gift package with a variety of sentimental, meaningful gifts. When it was all said and done, with shipping the gift totaled about $125. We don't make a lot of money, I'm in school and my FI started a new job not too long ago. When we got engaged we got a package from my FSIL. It was a small gift, just for me. My FBIL didn't sign the card and it was a cheap little gift that was about $40. There was no mention of my FI and it's not something I'd ever buy for myself. I'm upset because they make a considerable amount more than we do and are registered for super expensive gifts for their wedding (1 bath towel starts at $75 on their registries) and I feel that if you are going to give your FBIL/FSIL a gift it should at least be meaningful. Am I wrong for being upset? Should I just grin & bare it? What can I do?
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    MDbride1012MDbride1012 member
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      You should be grateful that you got a gift at all. You do not get to dictate how much others spend.
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