Is anyone else dreading their shower?

stephstar104 · July 2013

I'm really trying to be positive! But I'm not a girly girl and I'm DEFINITELY not someone who likes to be the center of attention.

The problem is that my FMIL decided to throw me an out-of-state shower. I am having another one close to home thrown by a family member (my family and friends will be there and it's a casual cookout dinner!). This out-of-state shower is for my fiance's side of the family who doesn't live by us. But FMIL took forever getting the invitations out (2 weeks before the shower!) and now none of my family can make it because it was too short of notice. So it's basically going to just be his family, no one from mine, and none of my friends can make the trip. Talk about uncomfortable.

I talked to my fiance about it and he talked to his mom and FINALLY got her to agree to make it a couples shower, because I really don't know his family that well and I was scared to death about not having anyone there that I even really knew. (Let alone road tripping with FMIL!) So I feel a little better, but very sad and anxious now that no one close to me (besides him) can make it.

What worries me is that after repeated attempts to tell her that I'm not comfortable opening gifts in front of everyone and I really don't want any me-as-the-center-of-attention games, she's dead-set on her party plan. She said we're to open gifts in front of everyone and play couples games so everyone can get to know us as a couple and so guests can win prizes.

I'm SUPER uncomfortable about all of this and I think I've exhausted my fiance's sympathy - I don't think he really understands the "bridal shower expectations" pressure on the bride-to-be and what it will be like not to really know anyone there. FMIL said she wants the attention on me because "everyone wants to get to know me." He even thinks this is a good idea, too, so I can "bond" with his family. Honestly, I want to be sick just thinking about it. I've haven't been sleeping because I'm so torn up about it!

Yes, I'll be grateful for gifts, but if it were up to me, I'd rather not have gifts or a shower at all! So please no comments about me being ungrateful - I appreciate her nice gesture, but ultimately she is doing what SHE WANTS to do and doesn't care how unpleasant it might be for me or my fiance, because to her, a shower is something you just DO when you're getting married, no questions asked. (Our whole wedding so far has been a struggle with her traditional ideals because we are very nontraditional - so this has been ongoing!)

Does anyone have any advice on another approach to take prior to the shower, or even any advice on how to get through it? I have to attend at this point, but I just want it to be more casual and fun! And I don't want to insult anyone or hurt their feelings, but don't my feelings matter at all?

itzMS · August 2013

stephstar104 said:

I'm really trying to be positive! But I'm not a girly girl and I'm DEFINITELY not someone who likes to be the center of attention.

The problem is that my FMIL decided to throw me an out-of-state shower. I am having another one close to home thrown by a family member (my family and friends will be there and it's a casual cookout dinner!). This out-of-state shower is for my fiance's side of the family who doesn't live by us. But FMIL took forever getting the invitations out (2 weeks before the shower!) and now none of my family can make it because it was too short of notice. So it's basically going to just be his family, no one from mine, and none of my friends can make the trip. Talk about uncomfortable.

I talked to my fiance about it and he talked to his mom and FINALLY got her to agree to make it a couples shower, because I really don't know his family that well and I was scared to death about not having anyone there that I even really knew. (Let alone road tripping with FMIL!) So I feel a little better, but very sad and anxious now that no one close to me (besides him) can make it.

What worries me is that after repeated attempts to tell her that I'm not comfortable opening gifts in front of everyone and I really don't want any me-as-the-center-of-attention games, she's dead-set on her party plan. She said we're to open gifts in front of everyone and play couples games so everyone can get to know us as a couple and so guests can win prizes.

I'm SUPER uncomfortable about all of this and I think I've exhausted my fiance's sympathy - I don't think he really understands the "bridal shower expectations" pressure on the bride-to-be and what it will be like not to really know anyone there. FMIL said she wants the attention on me because "everyone wants to get to know me." He even thinks this is a good idea, too, so I can "bond" with his family. Honestly, I want to be sick just thinking about it. I've haven't been sleeping because I'm so torn up about it!

Yes, I'll be grateful for gifts, but if it were up to me, I'd rather not have gifts or a shower at all! So please no comments about me being ungrateful - I appreciate her nice gesture, but ultimately she is doing what SHE WANTS to do and doesn't care how unpleasant it might be for me or my fiance, because to her, a shower is something you just DO when you're getting married, no questions asked. (Our whole wedding so far has been a struggle with her traditional ideals because we are very nontraditional - so this has been ongoing!)

Does anyone have any advice on another approach to take prior to the shower, or even any advice on how to get through it? I have to attend at this point, but I just want it to be more casual and fun! And I don't want to insult anyone or hurt their feelings, but don't my feelings matter at all?

Showers are for boxed gifts. So in accepting a shower, you take on the "responsibility" of opening the gifts in front of guests and thanking them with a smile.

Have a drink or two beforehand. You'll be fine.

stephstar104 · August 2013

For the record, I did decline the shower from the start. And she decided it's happening anyway. I apologize if my first post wasn't clear.

I have no problem with getting to know his family. I think that's wonderful - I just don't want to be put on the spot to an audience and asked to answer embarrassing relationship questions as a means to do it. I'm painfully shy when all eyes are on me. I freeze up! One-on-one, I'm fine.

As I said, I'm going along with it now, I'm just looking for advice to cope with a very uncomfortable situation, from someone who is in a similar spot or has been through one before.

Clearly this is something I have to do. I get that sometimes things aren't going to go my way and I'll have to do things I don't want to do. I'm not trying to be a baby or be ungrateful. If I have to open gifts, I'm not thrilled, but I'll do it. My biggest worry: I'm more afraid than anything that it will show that I'm so uncomfortable and I'll insult or disappoint the hosts/guests. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to act excited when I'm not.

itzMS · August 2013

stephstar104 said:

For the record, I did decline the shower from the start. And she decided it's happening anyway. I apologize if my first post wasn't clear.

I have no problem with getting to know his family. I think that's wonderful - I just don't want to be put on the spot to an audience and asked to answer embarrassing relationship questions as a means to do it. I'm painfully shy when all eyes are on me. I freeze up! One-on-one, I'm fine.

As I said, I'm going along with it now, I'm just looking for advice to cope with a very uncomfortable situation, from someone who is in a similar spot or has been through one before.

Clearly this is something I have to do. I get that sometimes things aren't going to go my way and I'll have to do things I don't want to do. I'm not trying to be a baby or be ungrateful. If I have to open gifts, I'm not thrilled, but I'll do it. My biggest worry: I'm more afraid than anything that it will show that I'm so uncomfortable and I'll insult or disappoint the hosts/guests. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to act excited when I'm not.

Did you register? If so, 90% of the gifts will be things you wanted.

"Oh, our blender! How lovely! Thank you Aunt Gertrude! We are looking forward to making smoothies!"

"Oh, some of our placesettings! Thank you Mrs Pumpernickel! FI & I have been looking so forward to getting these for our home"

For the random gift:

"Oh, a crocheted toilet paper cover! How lovely! Thank you for thinking of us Grandma Mildred!"

Smile and nod, smile and nod. Say thank you. Repeat.

stephstar104 · August 2013

It's a little more complicated than that...FI and I said no thank you, but MIL went ahead and started the planning process with her other son and DIL behind our backs. The son and DIL are hosting at their house and got all excited and started planning/booked a caterer, etc. We didn't know it was on until they contacted us to ask us little details. At that point, we felt like we'd be letting them down (not MIL so much) if we held our ground. And it wasn't their fault. They had no idea.

She's quite good at finding a way to get what she wants, and believe me, I do worry for myself in that respect!

MobKaz · August 2013

You mentioned that games would played. I understand that, as the bride, your input is limited. However, is there a way you could suggest that a game be played while you are opening gifts? It would help deflect some of the attention placed on you. Obviously this would only work with certain games. Bridal bingo might be a good game to incorporate during gift opening. My son and DIL are foodies. During gift opening, we passed small, unidentified bags of spices around to the guests. The guests had to try and identify the spices. It helped pass the time during what is typically a fairly boring gift opening segment, and took some, but not all the attention off the bride.

TiaTea · August 2013

"But I'm not a girly girl"
Neither am I , so I wanted to cheer you up with a segment of Ellen Degeners' show. Unfortunately I can't find it. But it was about a shower and everybody goes "Wow" and "Awww" about every simple thing. Somebody brought a spice rack and wrapped every spice separately. The bride unwraps one and the guests go " Aww, basil !" She unwraps the second one and the guests go" Aww! Black pepper!" and so on 24 times

Of course the way Ellen says it is hilarious.
So if you get nervous , try to picture Ellen going "aww, coriander! aww mint!"
Hope it makes you laugh and relax

stephstar104 · August 2013

What a great idea, thank you! I'll definitely suggest something like that! I'm all for everyone having a good time, and I know that watching people opening gifts can be boring. I like your spice idea!

It's a clever way to take some pressure off of me while everyone else can have fun. Plus, I think MIL will be happy that I'm contributing ideas instead of resisting. This is the kind of suggestion I'm looking for! THANKS!

MandyMost · August 2013

mobkaz said:

You mentioned that games would played. I understand that, as the bride, your input is limited. However, is there a way you could suggest that a game be played while you are opening gifts? It would help deflect some of the attention placed on you. Obviously this would only work with certain games. Bridal bingo might be a good game to incorporate during gift opening. My son and DIL are foodies. During gift opening, we passed small, unidentified bags of spices around to the guests. The guests had to try and identify the spices. It helped pass the time during what is typically a fairly boring gift opening segment, and took some, but not all the attention off the bride.

This is a good idea. Also, there are plenty of games that are games the GUESTS play, and really have nothing to do with you. You could either be the one judging, or handing out the gifts, etc.. That terrible game where guests have to get in groups and use a roll of toilet paper to create a wedding dress on someone, for example? For that game you get to just sit there, with no attention on you, and then pick the winner at the end.

Also, for the gift opening, I'd make sure people have assigned roles to get it going like clockwork. Someone reads the name/opens the card for you, then tells you who it's from as you open it, and someone else is ready to take it away from you immediately as you're handed the next gift, etc. Someone else is writing down all the names/gifts for your thank you notes later. Someone else is likely collecting all the bows/ribbons to make that stupid bouquet that I'm sure your FMIL will require. And someone else is designated to be cleaning up the trash.

mstuttle12 · August 2013

stephstar104 said:

I'm really trying to be positive! But I'm not a girly girl and I'm DEFINITELY not someone who likes to be the center of attention.

The problem is that my FMIL decided to throw me an out-of-state shower. I am having another one close to home thrown by a family member (my family and friends will be there and it's a casual cookout dinner!). This out-of-state shower is for my fiance's side of the family who doesn't live by us. But FMIL took forever getting the invitations out (2 weeks before the shower!) and now none of my family can make it because it was too short of notice. So it's basically going to just be his family, no one from mine, and none of my friends can make the trip. Talk about uncomfortable.

I talked to my fiance about it and he talked to his mom and FINALLY got her to agree to make it a couples shower, because I really don't know his family that well and I was scared to death about not having anyone there that I even really knew. (Let alone road tripping with FMIL!) So I feel a little better, but very sad and anxious now that no one close to me (besides him) can make it.

What worries me is that after repeated attempts to tell her that I'm not comfortable opening gifts in front of everyone and I really don't want any me-as-the-center-of-attention games, she's dead-set on her party plan. She said we're to open gifts in front of everyone and play couples games so everyone can get to know us as a couple and so guests can win prizes.

I'm SUPER uncomfortable about all of this and I think I've exhausted my fiance's sympathy - I don't think he really understands the "bridal shower expectations" pressure on the bride-to-be and what it will be like not to really know anyone there. FMIL said she wants the attention on me because "everyone wants to get to know me." He even thinks this is a good idea, too, so I can "bond" with his family. Honestly, I want to be sick just thinking about it. I've haven't been sleeping because I'm so torn up about it!

Yes, I'll be grateful for gifts, but if it were up to me, I'd rather not have gifts or a shower at all! So please no comments about me being ungrateful - I appreciate her nice gesture, but ultimately she is doing what SHE WANTS to do and doesn't care how unpleasant it might be for me or my fiance, because to her, a shower is something you just DO when you're getting married, no questions asked. (Our whole wedding so far has been a struggle with her traditional ideals because we are very nontraditional - so this has been ongoing!)

Does anyone have any advice on another approach to take prior to the shower, or even any advice on how to get through it? I have to attend at this point, but I just want it to be more casual and fun! And I don't want to insult anyone or hurt their feelings, but don't my feelings matter at all?

Be thankful that your family and friends were at least invited to the shower! My FMIL and FSIL threw me a shower recently where my family and friends were not invited - not even my bridesmaids. So at least you have that going for you. That, and that your FI will be there.

Have a few mimosas beforehand and make your FI sit up front with you to help open gifts. Hopefully that will make it a little less nerve racking for you :-) If he's up there opening gifts with you and having to do all the repeated "thank you's" as well, then at least you're in it together. Then he'll also know how us brides feel sitting up there at the center of attention opening gift after gift (there are only so many ways to say "thank you" genuinely before you sound like a broken record).

Hopefully that helps!

grumbledore · August 2013

stephstar104 said:

I'm really trying to be positive! But I'm not a girly girl and I'm DEFINITELY not someone who likes to be the center of attention.

The problem is that my FMIL decided to throw me an out-of-state shower. I am having another one close to home thrown by a family member (my family and friends will be there and it's a casual cookout dinner!). This out-of-state shower is for my fiance's side of the family who doesn't live by us. But FMIL took forever getting the invitations out (2 weeks before the shower!) and now none of my family can make it because it was too short of notice. So it's basically going to just be his family, no one from mine, and none of my friends can make the trip. Talk about uncomfortable.

I talked to my fiance about it and he talked to his mom and FINALLY got her to agree to make it a couples shower, because I really don't know his family that well and I was scared to death about not having anyone there that I even really knew. (Let alone road tripping with FMIL!) So I feel a little better, but very sad and anxious now that no one close to me (besides him) can make it.
................................
Does anyone have any advice on another approach to take prior to the shower, or even any advice on how to get through it? I have to attend at this point, but I just want it to be more casual and fun! And I don't want to insult anyone or hurt their feelings, but don't my feelings matter at all?

Alcohol. #liquidcourage

And no I'm not joking. I'd need a glass or two of wine in me to deal with this level of uncomfortable and then I'd be fine. Deep breath, bring a corkscrew.

stephstar104 · August 2013

Thanks for the input everyone! I survived it, but it was pretty uncomfortable at times! We were totally expected to open gifts while everyone sat and watched (just as I had feared!) - no one wanted to play games during the gift opening, so all eyes were on us. But I had a few mimosas beforehand and I just went with it. My FI read the cards out loud (yes, they insisted they were read word-for-word aloud!) and do most of the talking. Luckily, everyone was drinking mimosas, so I think it calmed everyone down! All in all, it wasn't my idea of a good time, but it's over and we got some presents out of it.

So my advice to anyone else going through a similar situation is to go ahead and have the shower (I know for me it would have been a bigger fight than necessary to resist it), get your gifts and be as gracious as possible! If you're nervous, have a few drinks beforehand, even if it's in the afternoon. And suggest everyone else have a drink as well!

stephstar104 · August 2013

Be thankful that your family and friends were at least invited to the shower! My FMIL and FSIL threw me a shower recently where my family and friends were not invited - not even my bridesmaids. So at least you have that going for you. That, and that your FI will be there.

Wow, that is AWFUL!!! Why would they do that?!?!

Majelin86 · September 2013

My future mother-in-law threw me a shower with my fiancé's side of the family. My mom and MOH were the only ones on my side of the family/from the bridal party who were invited. It was a bit awkward because I also hate being the centre of attention and I didn't really know some of his aunts that attended as we barely ever see them.

Basically, you just have to grin and bear it. What was nice though was my future mother-in-law had everyone introduce themselves at the start of the shower so I at least knew who to thank for the gifts when I opened them. I was totally against having a shower to being with, but couldn't tell my future MIL that I didn't want one.

Have a drink or 2 before and just be excited for the nice gifts you get!

Is anyone else dreading their shower?

Re: Is anyone else dreading their shower?

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