The double-edged sword of parish policies?

Re: The double-edged sword of parish policies?

• Options

  [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2013

  I would contact your priest back home at the church you want to get married in. We were in a similar situation: we lived in GA when we were planning our wedding and knew we wanted to get married in DH's church. He was a member there of course prior to moving to GA. We had maintained contact with our priest and he agreed to marry us in DH's church even though we weren't officially members. We were members at our parish in GA where we lived during and 1 yr after our wedding.
  
  Your priest back home may require you to register since the fees are typically lower for members than non-members or it may not matter, which was the case with us. Now that we live back in our home state, we are once again members of the church we were married in even though the priest that married us has moved on to a new parish.
  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  itzMS member

  

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  mrsbuzzlightyear said:

  Hi all,

  
  

  I never thought I'd actually be posting on a board, but I have a dilemma and was hoping someone had answers for me.

  
  

  I emailed the pastor at my home parish yesterday to ask a few questions about how to get married in the situation I'm currently in (my fiance is stationed in Japan and can't attend traditional in-person marriage prep). I explained that my mother and I have been parishioners there for most of my life (I wasn't baptized there, but I celebrated my First Communion and Reconciliation there, as well as my Confirmation). I'm away at university right now (as in, I can't just drive home to go to Mass; it's a three-hour drive just one-way.) Mass is held on campus, which is what I've been doing. I can't register at the parish up here because (a) I do not maintain a permanent residence in this area and (b) after May, I won't even be living out here, l'll be going back to my home parish and (c) that's not even technically where I worship; I worship at a chapel on-campus. The pastor at home informed me that because I am not registered and practicing at the church at home (which... I'm not even sure how I'm not registered there. Like I said, we have gone to church there for the majority of the time I've been alive) I cannot be married there.

  
  

  Essentially, I cannot be married at my home parish because I don't attend Mass there (and am possibly not registered... does anyone know how I may have been un-registered?), but I cannot be married out here because I am not registered here, don't actually live out here, and won't be living out here.

  
  

  Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do?

  
  If you never registered as an adult, then you are not registered. (Meaning actually going to the Parish office and filling out forms...sometimes you can do this online depending on how "high-tech" your Parish is)

  In the simplest of terms, "registered and attending Mass there" means registering under your own name (not your parents') and donating money. The priest doesn't take attendance at Mass, so he wouldn't know if you're actually there or not.

  So if you want to get married in your "home" parish, follow the "rules". Register, send a check every month, and volunteer for a committee or two if you can. You'll have to do pre-Cana in some form, so it's best to get started ASAP.

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  mrsbuzzlightyear member

  

  September 2013

  Actually, our parish does take attendance in some form. I don't know how common this is among other parishes, but if you go x amount of time without using your parish-given "envelopes," that's how they consider you inactive, which is what happened in my family's case. 

  
  

  And I don't mean to sound rude, but since when has donating money been a requirement of being a member of the Catholic Church? I'm a college student with a part-time job. Every last cent goes to bills and groceries. I am legitimately curious as to when the rules changed.

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  lalaith50 member

  

  September 2013

  actually, there are 5 "precepts" (commandments) of the church that must be kept by every Catholic.
  

  http://catholicism.about.com/od/catholicliving/tp/Precepts_Church.htm
  

  #5 is supporting the Church. (financially and in other ways, or if you are UNABLE to do so financially, then you can support in other ways.)

  
  

  Why are people always so shocked and horrified by this? Do you think it's free to run a multi-million member organization? Do priests live off of rice and beans and not need a car? Do church buildings build themselves? Do you think people volunteer all their time to mow the lawn and shovel the snow and clean the buildings? Etc.

  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  mrsbuzzlightyear member

  

  September 2013

  I'm not *shocked* by it, and I know you probably don't mean to sound like you're attacking me right there, but the questions you ask there assume that I haven't thought of that. I did specifically bring up the point of money -- I know I could volunteer (except i *can't* at that parish like @itzMS assumes I can... I live three hours away with a full course load and a job; I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say that volunteering for anything with my home parish is difficult if not outright not possible at this point... maybe when I move back home in May, but certainly not now.)

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  itzMS member

  

  September 2013

  mrsbuzzlightyear said:

  I'm not *shocked* by it, and I know you probably don't mean to sound like you're attacking me right there, but the questions you ask there assume that I haven't thought of that. I did specifically bring up the point of money -- I know I could volunteer (except i *can't* at that parish like @itzMS assumes I can... I live three hours away with a full course load and a job; I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say that volunteering for anything with my home parish is difficult if not outright not possible at this point... maybe when I move back home in May, but certainly not now.)

  Volunteering could be something you could do from college, too. Like helping design the bulletin or programs (and emailing them to the Parish secretary for printing) or perhaps calling ill parishioners to offer prayers and well-wishes. Ladies from my Parish also call to give "reminders" of upcoming events, too.  I'm sure your Priest would be more than accomodating if you just asked him versus giving up.

  There are reasons why getting married in the Catholic Church isn't a walk in the park.

  Otherwise, just postpone your marriage until a time when you can prepare properly.
  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  lalaith50 member

  

  September 2013

  mrsbuzzlightyear said:

  I'm not *shocked* by it, and I know you probably don't mean to sound like you're attacking me right there, but the questions you ask there assume that I haven't thought of that. I did specifically bring up the point of money -- I know I could volunteer (except i *can't* at that parish like @itzMS assumes I can... I live three hours away with a full course load and a job; I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say that volunteering for anything with my home parish is difficult if not outright not possible at this point... maybe when I move back home in May, but certainly not now.)

  but by "the church," it could be the Catholic church in general. Have you done any thing for the parish at your college town where you have been attending? Because *if* you were involved in *that* parish at all by supporting it, (singing in the choir, helping out with their fish fries, etc,) then the priest there would *know* you, and honestly the whole situation would be a lot easier. *He* could call up the priest in your hometown, and vouch for your committment to "The Church," and explain your situation and the other priest would listen and probably understand! I mean, I apologize cuz I'm just assuming that you havent really been involved in the college parish, since it sounds like you just attend there semi-regularly. Really what many many people do in this situation is they end up getting married at the college parish. I think that you will find that parishes in college towns (or better yet, a parish that's actually connected to the college,) will be a lot more understanding about the situatino of college students and how they havent really "picked" a parish yet, so it's a lot easier to get married there, which is what many people end up doing. I know you said it's 3 hours away, but are you sure that's not an option? It might be your easiest, at least to investigate.

  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  professorscience member

  

  September 2013

  Okay, so, a couple things.

  
  

  The parish where my husband and I were married was not our "home" parish based on where we lived, but it was where DH had been attending regularly for quite some time (at the time I was not Catholic and DH was out of the country when we got engaged, so he hadn't been in a long time).  When I called to ask about setting a date, the pastoral associate was initially hesitant to put me down because neither of us was a registered member.  However, BIL was/is very, very active in the parish and I had enrolled in RCIA at that parish, which I guess ended up being enough to "get us in the door," so to speak.

  
  

  Considering how many people use the church as a pretty backdrop for one day and then forget about it, I'm not totally sad about this priest being strict, but I'm positive there's something you can do.  It might be an issue of registering with that parish again (and making sure they understand that you won't be in attendance).  Some churches use the envelopes, even if they're empty, to keep track of who is attending, and I don't think that's completely bizarre.  If they suddenly stop receiving envelopes from a family, the church could assume that maybe that family has moved away.  It's an easy way to keep their records up to date.

  

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  agapecarrie member

  

  September 2013

  I just want to say, instead of looking at this as an obstacle, or simply a "policy" with loopholes and red tape, (add on any cliche).

  
  

  perhaps see it as God putting someone in front of you that is calling you to bigger and better things. God wants you to get to know Him, to be committed to Him, to give Him your all, and not stay out of the state of grace by skipping mass. He wants to be come one with you in the Eucharist every week. 

  
  

  Marriage is a vocational sacrament...a commitment to the church and in the church. 

  Report1 Reply
• Options

  aniluisa member

  

  September 2013

  So frustrating! It really can be a pain to deal with the policies when it feels like you're already doing everything right. 

  
  

  I would recommend that you call the priest and talk to him personally. Make it clear that you do attend Mass, just not in his parish, and that you didn't realize that your home parish would "unregister you." If it's still an issue, is there someone on your campus that can vouch for you? Does the priest know your mother and if so, could she call him and help him understand the situation? 

  
  

  Also, this might not make a difference, but it might be worthwhile to point out that many parishes allow you to get married there as a non-member as long as one or both of your parents are a member. 

  
  I'm sure there are ways that you can convince him that you're not just some random person trying to parachute into his parish for a day to have the ceremony there. Good luck!

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  muppet686 member

  

  September 2013

  I was in a similar situation and understand your frustration (grad school and getting married near my parents, though they aren't Catholic so don't have a home parish). If you haven't already, get in touch with the priest at the church you do attend and explain what is going on- university/campus priests deal with this more often and he might be able to offer some insight, support, or help with communication. For example, we are doing all of our marriage prep near my university, but thanks to the support of our priest here are getting married in a different church. Depending on what he says, try emailing the priest in your home parish again and explaining that you aren't sure what you want to do. 

  
  

  The insight I had was that priests weren't being willfully obstructive, they are just trying to protect the sanctity of marriage from people using the church as a pretty backdrop. Do your best to convey to the priest that your desire for a Catholic marriage, commitment to the church and all that getting married in the church means, but genuine conundrum about how to live out your faith given your in-between parishes status. 

  Report1 Reply
• Options

  professorscience member

  

  September 2013

  One other thing, I think your university chapel should be affiliated with the local church, and so you would be considered a member there.  I could be wrong, but I know my H's chapel was basically an extension of the closest parish.

  

  
  

  
  

  Report0 Reply
• Options

  itzMS member

  

  September 2013

  aniluisa said:

  So frustrating! It really can be a pain to deal with the policies when it feels like you're already doing everything right. 

  
  

  I would recommend that you call the priest and talk to him personally. Make it clear that you do attend Mass, just not in his parish, and that you didn't realize that your home parish would "unregister you." If it's still an issue, is there someone on your campus that can vouch for you? Does the priest know your mother and if so, could she call him and help him understand the situation? 

  
  

  Also, this might not make a difference, but it might be worthwhile to point out that many parishes allow you to get married there as a non-member as long as one or both of your parents are a member. 

  
  I'm sure there are ways that you can convince him that you're not just some random person trying to parachute into his parish for a day to have the ceremony there. Good luck!

  Just my experience, but I've found Priests do not take too kindly to "mommy" becoming involved in the couple's path to marriage. I'd recommend the OP skipping this option, even if Mom knows the Priest.

  I think the OP just needs to set up a meeting with the Priest and meet in person. It may seem like a challenge, but it's part of the journey.
  

  Report1 Reply
• Options

  mrsbuzzlightyear member

  

  September 2013

  Thank you, everyone, for all your input... The associate pastor at home and I are beginning the marriage-prep process the next time I can venture home. I'm so excited!

  Report0 Reply