Siblings stealing spotlight?

mpmottlry · September 2013

So, I have a dilemma, but first, here's a little background: I come from a family as a middle child. Both my brother and sister are severely ADHD and bipolar respectively. My brother is now in the hospital (he has been for almost a year after a car accident), and my sister has a 4 year old son (who is going to be the ringbearer).

I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid, only to find that she plans on getting pregnant in February, which means she'll be 7 months pregnant at my wedding. My brother is likely going to be out of the hospital shortly before then (assuming his care goes to plan).

I am very worried that having both of them at my wedding is going to turn the wedding into a family reunion rather than my special day. I fear that everyone will focus on my sister's joy and my brother's health rather then celebrating my wedding.

Because of this, I'm not sure if I want them to be in the wedding party drawing even more attention.

Does anyone have thoughts on how I can soothe my worries or remedy the situation? I want my wedding to be my one day, especially since I have a milder personality and don't command attention when we do get together with family. All I'm asking is for one day for me and that I won't have a terrible time because my siblings are stealing my spotlight.

Simply Fated · September 2013

mpmottlry said:

So, I have a dilemma, but first, here's a little background: I come from a family as a middle child. Both my brother and sister are severely ADHD and bipolar respectively. My brother is now in the hospital (he has been for almost a year after a car accident), and my sister has a 4 year old son (who is going to be the ringbearer).

I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid, only to find that she plans on getting pregnant in February, which means she'll be 7 months pregnant at my wedding. My brother is likely going to be out of the hospital shortly before then (assuming his care goes to plan).

I am very worried that having both of them at my wedding is going to turn the wedding into a family reunion rather than my special day. I fear that everyone will focus on my sister's joy and my brother's health rather then celebrating my wedding.

Because of this, I'm not sure if I want them to be in the wedding party drawing even more attention.

Does anyone have thoughts on how I can soothe my worries or remedy the situation? I want my wedding to be my one day, especially since I have a milder personality and don't command attention when we do get together with family. All I'm asking is for one day for me and that I won't have a terrible time because my siblings are stealing my spotlight.

It sounds like you have that stereotypical middle child syndrome. It's ok, I have only child syndrome lol.

I think that while they'll be excited that she's pregnant and that he's out of the hospital, the fact that it's your wedding day will be very special, too.

With your sister being about 7 months pregnant, people will have time to adjust. There will be comments, no matter what. I mean, even if people don't give a crap that she's pregnant, it'll make for good small talk.

The thing is, you already asked your sister. So don't back out now, that's just mean. And you don't even know if she'll be pregnant. And even if she does get pregnant, people will comment, even if she's not in your wedding party. So removing her as a bridesmaid will hurt her feelings and do more harm than good.

As far as your wedding turning into a family reunion, I'm not sure how to make you feel better with that because every wedding I have attended has turned out to be like a family reunion. "Simply Fated? Howvya been? I'm your uncle Morty! On your father's side! Do you remember me? I haven't seen you since you wuz in diapers!" I was 3 when I was last in diapers. I can't remember what I did 3 days ago, I'm supposed to remember you? WTF?
Funerals are like that with my family, too.
"I'm so sorry your grandfather passed away. Do you remember me? I'm your Great Aunt Gladys. Well, I'm not actually your aunt, I'm your father's aunt's husband's cousin. Gee, I haven't seen you since you wuz in diapers. Do you remember me?" *headdesk*

I don't think anyone will forget why they're there... to celebrate your wedding. While you can't always control what people talk about, keep in mind that they came to see you get married.

artbyallie · September 2013

My SIL was 6 months pregnant at my wedding. She did not in any way 'steal the spotlight' and it's frankly really childish of you to think that way. No one, but no one, gets more attention at a wedding than the bride, and no pregnancy or recovery or anything is going to change that. As for a 'family reunion' at your wedding, well, so what? It's not like you can talk to every single guest all at the same time, so some of them are going to be visiting with each other at any given time, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

I agree with scribe. If your sister is pregnant and your brother has recovered enough to be out of the hospital and come to your wedding, both should be joyous and happy things. It is possible to celebrate more then one thing at a time without taking the attention away from you and your FI on your wedding day.

My friend got married and her sister (MOH) was 8.5 months pregnant at the time of her wedding. She too got this jealous fear where since her sister was pregnant during the year of her wedding then she wouldn't receive as much attention. I told her she was being ridiculous. People will still care and be super excited that you are getting married. And they will also be super excited that your sister may be pregnant. People are capable of carrying and celebrating more then one life event at a time.

KatWAG · September 2013

mpmottlry said:

So, I have a dilemma, but first, here's a little background: I come from a family as a middle child. Both my brother and sister are severely ADHD and bipolar respectively. My brother is now in the hospital (he has been for almost a year after a car accident), and my sister has a 4 year old son (who is going to be the ringbearer).

I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid, only to find that she plans on getting pregnant in February, which means she'll be 7 months pregnant at my wedding. My brother is likely going to be out of the hospital shortly before then (assuming his care goes to plan).

I am very worried that having both of them at my wedding is going to turn the wedding into a family reunion rather than my special day. I fear that everyone will focus on my sister's joy and my brother's health rather then celebrating my wedding.

Because of this, I'm not sure if I want them to be in the wedding party drawing even more attention.

Does anyone have thoughts on how I can soothe my worries or remedy the situation? I want my wedding to be my one day, especially since I have a milder personality and don't command attention when we do get together with family. All I'm asking is for one day for me and that I won't have a terrible time because my siblings are stealing my spotlight.

All of this sounds so selfish to me. Your family can celebrate your wedding day and still be happy for your siblings.

Also, just because your sister plans on getting pregnant in Feb doesn't mean that it will happen as planned. She could get pregnant in December and be due on your wedding day. Gasp!

southernbelle0915 · September 2013

mpmottlry said:

So, I have a dilemma, but first, here's a little background: I come from a family as a middle child. Both my brother and sister are severely ADHD and bipolar respectively. My brother is now in the hospital (he has been for almost a year after a car accident), and my sister has a 4 year old son (who is going to be the ringbearer).

I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid, only to find that she plans on getting pregnant in February, which means she'll be 7 months pregnant at my wedding. My brother is likely going to be out of the hospital shortly before then (assuming his care goes to plan).

I am very worried that having both of them at my wedding is going to turn the wedding into a family reunion rather than my special day. I fear that everyone will focus on my sister's joy and my brother's health rather then celebrating my wedding.

Because of this, I'm not sure if I want them to be in the wedding party drawing even more attention.

Does anyone have thoughts on how I can soothe my worries or remedy the situation? I want my wedding to be my one day, especially since I have a milder personality and don't command attention when we do get together with family. All I'm asking is for one day for me and that I won't have a terrible time because my siblings are stealing my spotlight.

It doesn't matter if your sister is pregnant or your brother is recently discharged. You're the bride and you and the groom are the reason for the party - I would not be concerned about people not paying attention to you.

I think it would be wise to seek counseling. Talk through your concerns with a professional - they sound much more deeply rooted than this.

LondonLisa · September 2013

mpmottlry said:

So, I have a dilemma, but first, here's a little background: I come from a family as a middle child. Both my brother and sister are severely ADHD and bipolar respectively. My brother is now in the hospital (he has been for almost a year after a car accident), and my sister has a 4 year old son (who is going to be the ringbearer).

I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid, only to find that she plans on getting pregnant in February, which means she'll be 7 months pregnant at my wedding. My brother is likely going to be out of the hospital shortly before then (assuming his care goes to plan).

I am very worried that having both of them at my wedding is going to turn the wedding into a family reunion rather than my special day. I fear that everyone will focus on my sister's joy and my brother's health rather then celebrating my wedding.

Because of this, I'm not sure if I want them to be in the wedding party drawing even more attention.

Does anyone have thoughts on how I can soothe my worries or remedy the situation? I want my wedding to be my one day, especially since I have a milder personality and don't command attention when we do get together with family. All I'm asking is for one day for me and that I won't have a terrible time because my siblings are stealing my spotlight.

I'm not trying to sound mean, but one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received was when someone said "you can't control how others act but you can control how you choose to feel about it". Only YOU can control if you have a terrible time! The number one way to draw negative attention to yourself is constantly stressing if someone is outshining you.

Everyone takes their cues of the bride and groom. If you are laid back and happy, everyone will have a great time. Everyone WILL, however, remember the bride that was a shrew and grumpy bc someone was stealing their thunder (I've been to a wedding where this happened- and it was just awful)

You will be the centre of attention by the sheer fact that it is your wedding. You will be standing in a white dress with all chairs focused on you and your fiance. You will be up there after all the pomp and circumstance of a bridal party walking in front of you. If that is not enough to reassure you will be the centre of attention, I do not know what will.

1.) Pregnant bridesmaids make absolutely no difference. No one has ever been to a wedding and said "it was beautiful, but shame that 'Nancy' had to stand next to a pregnant lady. I just couldn't focus!"

2.) Your brother getting out of hospital is a good thing! count your blessings! Would you rather him not be there?!

You have so many things to stress about whilst getting married- don't create stress out of non-issues!

PS: The best weddings I have ever been to have been like two family reunions merging into one- so much fun, laughter and reminiscing!

zitiqueen · September 2013

You sound delightful.

LizM61409 · September 2013

First of all, a perfectly fertile couple only has monthly pregnancy rate of ~25%, and that doesn't factor in the ~20% miscarriage rate. You say your sister will be 7 months along at your wedding like it's a sure thing, but the numbers say that's actually pretty unlikely.

And you need to loosen up a little. Believe it or not, it is actually possible for your family to be there and be thrilled for your marriage AND tell your sister congrats on the pregnancy AND be happy about your brother's good health. There is not a quota on the number of things you're allowed to be happy about on any given day.

mrsbizzz · September 2013

mpmottlry said:

So, I have a dilemma, but first, here's a little background: I come from a family as a middle child. Both my brother and sister are severely ADHD and bipolar respectively. My brother is now in the hospital (he has been for almost a year after a car accident), and my sister has a 4 year old son (who is going to be the ringbearer).

I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid, only to find that she plans on getting pregnant in February, which means she'll be 7 months pregnant at my wedding. My brother is likely going to be out of the hospital shortly before then (assuming his care goes to plan).

I am very worried that having both of them at my wedding is going to turn the wedding into a family reunion rather than my special day. I fear that everyone will focus on my sister's joy and my brother's health rather then celebrating my wedding.

Because of this, I'm not sure if I want them to be in the wedding party drawing even more attention.

Does anyone have thoughts on how I can soothe my worries or remedy the situation? I want my wedding to be my one day, especially since I have a milder personality and don't command attention when we do get together with family. All I'm asking is for one day for me and that I won't have a terrible time because my siblings are stealing my spotlight.

I agree with all PP. Also, like it or not, to a certain extent all weddings are family reunions. Two of my dad's siblings who are attending our wedding (one of whom will be getting married about 2 weeks before our wedding) will not have seen the rest of their family for over a year. Am I upset that they will take time away from wedding festivities to reconnect and catch up and possibly talk about their recent nuptuals? Absolutely not.

allispain · September 2013

I completely understand the feeling that having your siblings in a highlighted position might detract some of your family's attention from you - it's natural to feel that way when that has happened to you so many times in your life (as tends to happen when you have siblings with disorders like severe ADHD or bipolar disorder).

My older sister is bipolar. Her disorder caused a lot of family upheavals, both before she was diagnosed and afterwards. As a child - the only other child in the family - I often felt alone and neglected. I can't even tell you the number of times that she stole attention away from me. My mom has even admitted to the fact that she would often ignore the fact that my sister was being unfair and taking all of everyone's attention, including her own, because it was easier for her (my mom) to ignore me than it was for her to deal with my sister getting upset when she wasn't getting her way. I've been in therapy twice to deal with the emotional impact that my childhood had on me - no one likes being told "yea, sorry, I know we all ignored you, but it made life so much easier for the rest of us." So trust me, I get where you're coming from.

That being said, I think you need to step back and re-evaluate this a bit. You'll be getting married on your wedding day. Your guests will be there to see you and to celebrate your marriage to your new husband. Will some of them also congratulate your sister (if she is indeed pregnant)? Sure they will. Just like they would congratulate a pregnant friend, a pregnant cousin, etc. Will some of your guests also comment on how great it is to see your brother out of the hospital? Sure, because it is indeed a great thing that he will have recovered enough for that to be possible. Neither of these things, however, will in any way detract from your guests' celebration with you as the bride and groom. I guarantee you, while my family was all happy to get together at my wedding (it doesn't happen often) and my sister got lots of compliments on her dress and questions about her new job, I did not go lacking in terms of attention :-)

kkleigh10 · September 2013

Yikes, I think everyone saying "you're selfish" is being pretty harsh here. The poor girl was just venting a little bit and asking for help. I thought this message board was to HELP other brides, not tear them down.

manateehugger · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

Yikes, I think everyone saying "you're selfish" is being pretty harsh here. The poor girl was just venting a little bit and asking for help. I thought this message board was to HELP other brides, not tear them down.

Are you kidding me? Where did anyone call her selfish? I see tons of tough love advice and empathy above. What were they supposed to say "YOU"RE SO RIGHT I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR SISTER DARED TO LIVE HER OWN LIFE!!!!!"

kkleigh10 · September 2013

Ok...umm apparently I'm the only one that has read all the comments. Specifically the one that says "All of this sounds so selfish to me" from katWAG. This isn't tough love, it's mean.

mrsbizzz · September 2013

I think many people were rubbed the wrong way by the idea that because family and friends are at YOUR wedding, they can only focus on YOU. If that's the sort of wedding you want, you should probably take quick trip to the courthouse with your FI and have an intimate dinner for two after. You put a bunch of people who know each other and, in many cases, have not seen each other in a while in one room, they are going to talk about things other than you.

I, for one, certainly understand what the OP is going through. Family issues, especially during family events, are really tough. But you simply can't control other people, bujust how you react to them. The OP needs to trust that everyone will know why they are there and respect that.

manateehugger · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

Ok...umm apparently I'm the only one that has read all the comments. Specifically the one that says "All of this sounds so selfish to me" from katWAG. This isn't tough love, it's mean.

Saying, "Hey you sound pretty selfish in this post" is not the same as "You're a selfish jerk!"

Maggie0829 · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

Ok...umm apparently I'm the only one that has read all the comments. Specifically the one that says "All of this sounds so selfish to me" from katWAG. This isn't tough love, it's mean.

Just because someone said that it sounds selfish does not mean that we called the poster selfish.

Here is the difference.

You say "I can't believe my sister is going to get pregnant and steal my wedding thunder."

We say "You sound selfish." NOT "You are selfish."

That means what you are saying sounds selfish and maybe you should reevaluate your thinking. But in no way are we saying you are selfish. See the difference?

kkleigh10 · September 2013

Wow. Never mind. This board is the absolute worst.

Maggie0829 · September 2013

@kkleigh10 - I really think wedding bee is calling your name. They will shoot rainbows and unicorns and puppies up your ass but they won't actually give you truthful and honest advice.

KatWAG · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

Ok...umm apparently I'm the only one that has read all the comments. Specifically the one that says "All of this sounds so selfish to me" from katWAG. This isn't tough love, it's mean.

@kkleigh10, I stand by what I said. I think it is selfish to think people can't celebrate the OP's wedding while still being happy that her sister is pregnant and her brother is healthy. It might be time for the OP to get a little prespective on the situation.

And I apologize for not validating terrible ideas and shooting rainbows out my ass. Enjoy WeddingBee.

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

Wow. Never mind. This board is the absolute worst.

I think OP is a big girl who doesn't need your outrage.

Simply Fated · September 2013

kkleigh10 what is your advice to the OP? I mean, all you have contributed to this conversation so far is to say that we're all mean.

kkleigh10 · September 2013

That's fine, you can all stand by what you said. I'm sure you're all very impressed with your own opinions. I'm just perplexed with the negative opinions expressed on this board. Everyone is so sure they're right. Everyone thinks the way they do things is the best. We're all brides-to-be here (except those who have already had their weddings and can't help throwing in their judgment). Why can't we buokd each other up instead of tear each other down?

allispain · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

Yikes, I think everyone saying "you're selfish" is being pretty harsh here. The poor girl was just venting a little bit and asking for help. I thought this message board was to HELP other brides, not tear them down.

Excuse me? You got mad because one person said something along these lines (though not quite the same thing...). Did you even bother to read what I wrote? I took the time to write a very thoughtful response - one that showed that I come from a similar situation as the OP and that I therefore understand her perspective and can offer some good advice. Personally, I'm a little insulted that you just lumped "everyone" together like that.

kkleigh10 · September 2013

allispain said:

kkleigh10 said:

Yikes, I think everyone saying "you're selfish" is being pretty harsh here. The poor girl was just venting a little bit and asking for help. I thought this message board was to HELP other brides, not tear them down.

Excuse me? You got mad because one person said something along these lines (though not quite the same thing...). Did you even bother to read what I wrote? I took the time to write a very thoughtful response - one that showed that I come from a similar situation as the OP and that I therefore understand her perspective and can offer some good advice. Personally, I'm a little insulted that you just lumped "everyone" together like that.

Hi allispain,

I'm definitely not lumping you in with the group, and I'm sorry you took it that way. You did indeed write a thoughtful response and it was refreshing to hear. I'm not here to troll the boards and blast everyone, its just disgusting to read the hate some people direct towards well-meaning brides about a wedding they will never attend. It was absolutely not directed at you.

Simply Fated · September 2013

@kkleigh10 So, you have no advice to give mpmottlry? Ok, thanks for getting this thread completely off-topic and calling us mean. You have certainly accomplished everything you wanted to today, haven't you.

KatWAG · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

kkleigh10 said:

Yikes, I think everyone saying "you're selfish" is being pretty harsh here. The poor girl was just venting a little bit and asking for help. I thought this message board was to HELP other brides, not tear them down.
Excuse me? You got mad because one person said something along these lines (though not quite the same thing...). Did you even bother to read what I wrote? I took the time to write a very thoughtful response - one that showed that I come from a similar situation as the OP and that I therefore understand her perspective and can offer some good advice. Personally, I'm a little insulted that you just lumped "everyone" together like that.
Hi allispain, I'm definitely not lumping you in with the group, and I'm sorry you took it that way. You did indeed write a thoughtful response and it was refreshing to hear. I'm not here to troll the boards and blast everyone, its just disgusting to read the hate some people direct towards well-meaning brides about a wedding they will never attend. It was absolutely not directed at you.

Hate is a strong word. There isn't anything on this thread that even comes close to hate.

PrettyGirlLost · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

That's fine, you can all stand by what you said. I'm sure you're all very impressed with your own opinions. I'm just perplexed with the negative opinions expressed on this board. Everyone is so sure they're right. Everyone thinks the way they do things is the best. We're all brides-to-be here (except those who have already had their weddings and can't help throwing in their judgment). Why can't we buokd each other up instead of tear each other down?

Not validating bad behavior or ideas, or simply disagreeing with a statement is not the same as "tearing someone down."

We can support each other and offer advice without agreeing with and validating everything everyone posts.

Let's think about the OP rationally: A grown woman is getting married, and she has a sibling who has been hospitalized long term and another sibling who may be TTC beginning next year. The bride to be is afraid that her siblings will steal the spotlight from her. That is a pretty immature and self-centered fear, and the PP"s have been trying to talk the bride off of her ledge while pointing out that she is acting pretty silly. Many people have actually empathized with the bride in their own posts, and everyone is giving her very well worded and well intentioned advice.

It is just not the advice that you personally want to hear or agree with.

zitiqueen · September 2013

kkleigh10 said:

That's fine, you can all stand by what you said. I'm sure you're all very impressed with your own opinions. I'm just perplexed with the negative opinions expressed on this board. Everyone is so sure they're right. Everyone thinks the way they do things is the best. We're all brides-to-be here (except those who have already had their weddings and can't help throwing in their judgment). Why can't we buokd each other up instead of tear each other down?

That sounds kinky.

Siblings stealing spotlight?

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