Wedding Etiquette Forum

More "Black Tie" fun

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Re: More "Black Tie" fun

  • My MIL is wearing a cream-colored lace dress to my wedding in 2 weeks. She purchased it the day my FI told her he was going to propose (over a year ago) so it was before I got a chance to mention that I might want to wear a cream-colored lace gown myself. Despite FI's request for her to buy a different dress to go along with our navy/fall color scheme, she is insistant on wearing it. I am indifferent about it. She is a wonderful lady and treats me well, so she can wear whatever she'd like. I think my guests might be judgy towards her ...but on the other hand, I've noticed more and more people wearing white dresses to weddings recently so I think that is becoming increasingly accepted. I'm not sure I'd do it though...
  • Is it really a custom/tradition here, though?  What are the origins. . . that's what I'm trying to figure out.  Did any of the fashion/etiquette mavens ever mention not wearing white unless you are the bride, or is this something that we all just kind of made up as guests?  

    White/Ivory are designated for the bride bc those colors represent purity and virginity, and let's be real. . . how many of us should really be wearing white if we go by those standards now? ;-)

    I dunno, I just don't buy this "rule."  It just seems like another silly thing brides get all worked up about that is largely validated, but really has no bearing on the wedding day at all.

    Miss Manners talks about it - like it not being cool to wear white, black or red. Peggy Post (Emily's kid) recently responded to someone saying it was fine as long as it didn't "look bridal". But everyone knows Emily Posts' kids have royally fucked her image and teachings, so... The idea is "that color is reserved for the bride and you can wear ANY other color you want. Why you gotta pick white?"

    I personally wouldn't care if anyone wore white to my wedding. I'm the one who's, you know, up front getting married. I don't think anyone can really steal your thunder when you're in that position, so whatever.
    Yep, I feel the same way.

    You (general you) as a person shouldn't even be worried about anyone "stealing your thunder" anyways.  The point of a wedding is to marry the person you love, then celebrate with your friends and family.  The point is NOT to be the center of attention.  If people are concerned with that, as seems to be the case with people who post here worrying about what their guests are going to wear at their reception, then they probably need to think about their priorities and maybe audition for a role in a play, lol.  Then the spotlight can be on them ;-)
    To the bolded.... how dare you? It's MY day and I WILL command attention. I don't care about anything except looking beautiful and having amazing photos of myself.... *eyeroll* and my groom, I guess.

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  • To the bolded.... how dare you? It's MY day and I WILL command attention. I don't care about anything except looking beautiful and having amazing photos of myself.... *eyeroll* and my groom, I guess.

    image
    O.O
    http://24.media.tumblr.com/ca46a7f59f5945f17c4ebe43a9671b3d/tumblr_mmgj89nJow1r8q992o1_500.gif


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Consider another perspective: if you're putting "black tie optional" on an invitation, it could translate as "You have the option to dress formally, which means you also have the option not to" to the perpetually under-dressed lol
  • banana468 said:
    LakeR2014 said:
    @prettygirllost It's a custom/tradition here and is generally accepted by everyone. White/ivory is a color designated for the bride and the bride only.   The bride may be fine with someone else wearing a similar color to theirs, but they should be consulted on it.   If they weren't, it could be seen as a form of protest or dislike by the person wearing the dress.

    Is it really a custom/tradition here, though?  What are the origins. . . that's what I'm trying to figure out.  Did any of the fashion/etiquette mavens ever mention not wearing white unless you are the bride, or is this something that we all just kind of made up as guests? 

    White/Ivory are designated for the bride bc those colors represent purity and virginity, and let's be real. . . how many of us should really be wearing white if we go by those standards now? ;-)

    I dunno, I just don't buy this "rule."  It just seems like another silly thing brides get all worked up about that is largely validated, but really has no bearing on the wedding day at all.


    False. The dressing in white originated by a queen who wore white because it was a sign of wealth. We have since started calling it a sign of virginity but that was always incorrect. The point is that you aren't supposed to look like you are taking attention from the bride. Therefore you're not supposed to wear head to toe white or bright red. You're also not supposed to wear anything resembling funeral attire so you don't look like you're attending and protesting.
    This!!  People used to wear their Sunday best/the nicest dress they owned.  White dresses, which would very easily get dirty and were hard to clean were impractical for most people.  Wearing white showed that you had enough money to "waste" a good dress on 1 day (cos it would always be dirty and stained after), therefore was a sign of wealth.  

    I'm sure the virginal thing came in when white was equated with purity (i.e. therefore pure virginity) and cos many more people were virgins when they got married in comparison to today.  

  • I know someone who actually wore her wedding dress to a friend's wedding.  She shorted it and put a little black on the top and bottom but yeah still looked like a wedding dress...
  • kkcaper14 said:
    I know someone who actually wore her wedding dress to a friend's wedding.  She shorted it and put a little black on the top and bottom but yeah still looked like a wedding dress...
    That's cray.

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  • kkcaper14 said:
    I know someone who actually wore her wedding dress to a friend's wedding.  She shorted it and put a little black on the top and bottom but yeah still looked like a wedding dress...
    That's just weird.
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  • kkcaper14 said:

    I know someone who actually wore her wedding dress to a friend's wedding.  She shorted it and put a little black on the top and bottom but yeah still looked like a wedding dress...

    Someone should probably explain to that girl that a wedding dress is what you wear to YOUR wedding, not just weddings in general.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • NYCBruin said:
    I know someone who actually wore her wedding dress to a friend's wedding.  She shorted it and put a little black on the top and bottom but yeah still looked like a wedding dress...
    Someone should probably explain to that girl that a wedding dress is what you wear to YOUR wedding, not just weddings in general.
    I just snorted soda because I was picturing my dress (that has a HUGE train) and trying to wear it to other people's weddings.
  • I'll be honest.  I noticed what most people wore to my wedding...but I'm also really into clothes.

    The only people whose outfits bothered me were the two women in white dresses, one of which was a pure white LACE dress.

    Shudders.
  • I'll be honest.  I noticed what most people wore to my wedding...but I'm also really into clothes.

    The only people whose outfits bothered me were the two women in white dresses, one of which was a pure white LACE dress.

    Shudders.
    Yeah I have to say, I always notice what people are wearing.  I highly doubt I won't notice on my wedding day.  Whether I will care, who knows, but I will notice.

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  • I'll be honest.  I noticed what most people wore to my wedding...but I'm also really into clothes.

    The only people whose outfits bothered me were the two women in white dresses, one of which was a pure white LACE dress.

    Shudders.
    Yeah I have to say, I always notice what people are wearing.  I highly doubt I won't notice on my wedding day.  Whether I will care, who knows, but I will notice.
    This is why I don't understand the "you won't notice" comments.    I didn't let the etiquette blunders ruin my day or turn into something that I felt the need to confront but you can bet your sweet cheeks that I noticed  a few. 
  • I'll be honest.  I noticed what most people wore to my wedding...but I'm also really into clothes.

    The only people whose outfits bothered me were the two women in white dresses, one of which was a pure white LACE dress.

    Shudders.
    Yeah I have to say, I always notice what people are wearing.  I highly doubt I won't notice on my wedding day.  Whether I will care, who knows, but I will notice.
    This is why I don't understand the "you won't notice" comments.    I didn't let the etiquette blunders ruin my day or turn into something that I felt the need to confront but you can bet your sweet cheeks that I noticed  a few. 
    This. I guess I can believe it if you have 300 people at your wedding, but if you can't see what someone is wearing in a crowd of 100 or so, that surprises me. I wouldn't let it bother me or ruin my day but I would definitely notice.

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  • I'll be honest.  I noticed what most people wore to my wedding...but I'm also really into clothes.

    The only people whose outfits bothered me were the two women in white dresses, one of which was a pure white LACE dress.

    Shudders.
    I really only noticed two outfits the day of my wedding.  One was a guy that wore jeans.  I didn't care but since he was the only one in jeans he kind of stuck out.  The other was my SIL.  She wore a very short tealish green leopard print dress that when she danced or even bent over the tiniest bit would raise enough that the bottom of her ass was visible for all to see.  It was hideous.

    So in regards to the "you won't even notice" comments.  You really won't notice most people's outfits but you will notice those that choose outfits which are on the slutty side or on the under dressed side.

  • Last week at work, my coworker was telling me all about this black tie wedding her and her BF were invited to, and how much of a pain it was going to be to get him a tux. I was all "Ooooh, a real black tie wedding, I can't wait to hear all about it!" Today at work, she told me how much the tux rental set her BF back and she was debating whether or not she should spring for a floor-length dress. She said, "BF's already going to be wearing a tux, and the invite says 'Black Tie Optional,' so I just don't want to be the only super-dressed up couple at the wedding and stand out in a weird way." 

    I kinda did one of these:
    image

    and then we discussed the difference between a true black tie wedding and the one she was attending which is, like pretty much all weddings, black tie optional by default. It's ridiculous that people really think their guests won't know to dress formally for a freakin wedding

    If her BF was complaining about the price of renting a tux, and it said "black tie OPTIONAL," why didn't he just wear a suit he already owns?  Sorry, this was a reading fail on their part.
  • I remember my mothers wedding my date and I were in my mind "wedding appropriate" everyone else looked as though they were going to Walmart and decided to stop at a wedding on the way
  • Last week at work, my coworker was telling me all about this black tie wedding her and her BF were invited to, and how much of a pain it was going to be to get him a tux. I was all "Ooooh, a real black tie wedding, I can't wait to hear all about it!" Today at work, she told me how much the tux rental set her BF back and she was debating whether or not she should spring for a floor-length dress. She said, "BF's already going to be wearing a tux, and the invite says 'Black Tie Optional,' so I just don't want to be the only super-dressed up couple at the wedding and stand out in a weird way." 

    I kinda did one of these:
    image

    and then we discussed the difference between a true black tie wedding and the one she was attending which is, like pretty much all weddings, black tie optional by default. It's ridiculous that people really think their guests won't know to dress formally for a freakin wedding

    If her BF was complaining about the price of renting a tux, and it said "black tie OPTIONAL," why didn't he just wear a suit he already owns?  Sorry, this was a reading fail on their part.
    Actually, it was a fail on the part of the couple.  They should never have put Black Tie Optional on the invitation in the first place, since it is both rude AND causes exactly this kind of confusion.

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  • Last week at work, my coworker was telling me all about this black tie wedding her and her BF were invited to, and how much of a pain it was going to be to get him a tux. I was all "Ooooh, a real black tie wedding, I can't wait to hear all about it!" Today at work, she told me how much the tux rental set her BF back and she was debating whether or not she should spring for a floor-length dress. She said, "BF's already going to be wearing a tux, and the invite says 'Black Tie Optional,' so I just don't want to be the only super-dressed up couple at the wedding and stand out in a weird way." 

    I kinda did one of these:
    image

    and then we discussed the difference between a true black tie wedding and the one she was attending which is, like pretty much all weddings, black tie optional by default. It's ridiculous that people really think their guests won't know to dress formally for a freakin wedding

    If her BF was complaining about the price of renting a tux, and it said "black tie OPTIONAL," why didn't he just wear a suit he already owns?  Sorry, this was a reading fail on their part.
    Actually, it was a fail on the part of the couple.  They should never have put Black Tie Optional on the invitation in the first place, since it is both rude AND causes exactly this kind of confusion.
    What is confusing about the word "optional"?







  • Last week at work, my coworker was telling me all about this black tie wedding her and her BF were invited to, and how much of a pain it was going to be to get him a tux. I was all "Ooooh, a real black tie wedding, I can't wait to hear all about it!" Today at work, she told me how much the tux rental set her BF back and she was debating whether or not she should spring for a floor-length dress. She said, "BF's already going to be wearing a tux, and the invite says 'Black Tie Optional,' so I just don't want to be the only super-dressed up couple at the wedding and stand out in a weird way." 

    I kinda did one of these:
    image

    and then we discussed the difference between a true black tie wedding and the one she was attending which is, like pretty much all weddings, black tie optional by default. It's ridiculous that people really think their guests won't know to dress formally for a freakin wedding


    If her BF was complaining about the price of renting a tux, and it said "black tie OPTIONAL," why didn't he just wear a suit he already owns?  Sorry, this was a reading fail on their part.

    Actually, it was a fail on the part of the couple.  They should never have put Black Tie Optional on the invitation in the first place, since it is both rude AND causes exactly this kind of confusion.



    What is confusing about the word "optional"?



    Its confusing because one always has the option to wear black tie attire to an evening affair. You don't need permission to wear a tux. So when a couple puts black tie optional its confusing because no one knows what it means

    It's rude because it implies that the couple either thinks their guests don't know how to properly dress themselves or want a black tie look without paying for a black tie event.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • Last week at work, my coworker was telling me all about this black tie wedding her and her BF were invited to, and how much of a pain it was going to be to get him a tux. I was all "Ooooh, a real black tie wedding, I can't wait to hear all about it!" Today at work, she told me how much the tux rental set her BF back and she was debating whether or not she should spring for a floor-length dress. She said, "BF's already going to be wearing a tux, and the invite says 'Black Tie Optional,' so I just don't want to be the only super-dressed up couple at the wedding and stand out in a weird way." 

    I kinda did one of these:
    image

    and then we discussed the difference between a true black tie wedding and the one she was attending which is, like pretty much all weddings, black tie optional by default. It's ridiculous that people really think their guests won't know to dress formally for a freakin wedding

    If her BF was complaining about the price of renting a tux, and it said "black tie OPTIONAL," why didn't he just wear a suit he already owns?  Sorry, this was a reading fail on their part.
    It wasn't a reading fail, it was a comprehension fail because they didn't understand what "black tie optional" means. I obviously explained lol courtesy of the E board :)

    BTW, this girl I work with gets invited to more weddings than Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses, and she just told me about ANOTHER wedding she's attending where the ceremony is in one state and the reception is in another, about 1.5 driving distance between each other. She's friends with some real winners lol
  • Last week at work, my coworker was telling me all about this black tie wedding her and her BF were invited to, and how much of a pain it was going to be to get him a tux. I was all "Ooooh, a real black tie wedding, I can't wait to hear all about it!" Today at work, she told me how much the tux rental set her BF back and she was debating whether or not she should spring for a floor-length dress. She said, "BF's already going to be wearing a tux, and the invite says 'Black Tie Optional,' so I just don't want to be the only super-dressed up couple at the wedding and stand out in a weird way." 

    I kinda did one of these:
    image

    and then we discussed the difference between a true black tie wedding and the one she was attending which is, like pretty much all weddings, black tie optional by default. It's ridiculous that people really think their guests won't know to dress formally for a freakin wedding

    If her BF was complaining about the price of renting a tux, and it said "black tie OPTIONAL," why didn't he just wear a suit he already owns?  Sorry, this was a reading fail on their part.
    Actually, it was a fail on the part of the couple.  They should never have put Black Tie Optional on the invitation in the first place, since it is both rude AND causes exactly this kind of confusion.
    What is confusing about the word "optional"?

    Do you really not understand or are you being cheeky?

    "Black Tie" tells your guests exactly what is expected, and the reason that you tell them is so that they will be appropriately attired for an extremely formal event and not made to feel uncomfortable by being in a state of dress inappropriate to the event.

    "Black Tie Optional" tells your guests nothing of the sort.  It vaguely indicates that you would like them to dress up - to what level, they have no idea.  They may assume that this means they should dress in Black Tie, which may cause them to be overdressed for the occasion in comparison to other guests, who will take "Black Tie Optional" to mean cocktail attire is fine.  In addition, you are telling your guests what to wear to an event that does not have a dress code, which is incredibly rude and condescending.  Everything about this stands to make your guests uncomfortable, which you should be avoiding since you are hosting a party thanking them for attending your wedding ceremony.

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  • CrazyCatLady3CrazyCatLady3 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    edited September 2013
    Last week at work, my coworker was telling me all about this black tie wedding her and her BF were invited to, and how much of a pain it was going to be to get him a tux. I was all "Ooooh, a real black tie wedding, I can't wait to hear all about it!" Today at work, she told me how much the tux rental set her BF back and she was debating whether or not she should spring for a floor-length dress. She said, "BF's already going to be wearing a tux, and the invite says 'Black Tie Optional,' so I just don't want to be the only super-dressed up couple at the wedding and stand out in a weird way." 

    I kinda did one of these:
    image

    and then we discussed the difference between a true black tie wedding and the one she was attending which is, like pretty much all weddings, black tie optional by default. It's ridiculous that people really think their guests won't know to dress formally for a freakin wedding

    If her BF was complaining about the price of renting a tux, and it said "black tie OPTIONAL," why didn't he just wear a suit he already owns?  Sorry, this was a reading fail on their part.
    Actually, it was a fail on the part of the couple.  They should never have put Black Tie Optional on the invitation in the first place, since it is both rude AND causes exactly this kind of confusion.
    What is confusing about the word "optional"?

    Do you really not understand or are you being cheeky?

    "Black Tie" tells your guests exactly what is expected, and the reason that you tell them is so that they will be appropriately attired for an extremely formal event and not made to feel uncomfortable by being in a state of dress inappropriate to the event.

    "Black Tie Optional" tells your guests nothing of the sort.  It vaguely indicates that you would like them to dress up - to what level, they have no idea.  They may assume that this means they should dress in Black Tie, which may cause them to be overdressed for the occasion in comparison to other guests, who will take "Black Tie Optional" to mean cocktail attire is fine.  In addition, you are telling your guests what to wear to an event that does not have a dress code, which is incredibly rude and condescending.  Everything about this stands to make your guests uncomfortable, which you should be avoiding since you are hosting a party thanking them for attending your wedding ceremony.
    I do understand, I just think people are seriously overthinking this issue.  What one thinks it "implies" is subjective.  Just read it at face value.  "Optional" means you have a choice--wear black tie if you want or don't.  The couple is saying very clearly that either is acceptable.

    ETA: I have also been to "truly black-tie" weddings in terms of having all the trappings, but the couple has put "black tie optional" because they didn't want to inconvenience guests who didn't already have a tux.
  • Well, this is an Etiquette board, which means the vast majority of responses will advise that couples do the thing that will make their guests most comfortable.  And Black Tie Optional is not the thing that will make guests most comfortable, therefore it is not advisable.

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  • NYCBruinNYCBruin member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2013




    I do understand, I just think people are seriously overthinking this issue.  What one thinks it "implies" is subjective.  Just read it at face value.  "Optional" means you have a choice--wear black tie if you want or don't.  The couple is saying very clearly that either is acceptable.

    ETA: I have also been to "truly black-tie" weddings in terms of having all the trappings, but the couple has put "black tie optional" because they didn't want to inconvenience guests who didn't already have a tux.

    I would say about a third of the weddings FI and I have attended together have had all the trappings to qualify as truly black tie. He has worn his tux to several of these. And none of them said anything about the attire. Point being if you have a black tie qualifying event but don't want to make it an expensive event for those who don't own the attire, don't put anything on the invitation. It's the only non-rude route.

    People have explained over and over "black tie optional" rude. You can have your opinion that its not a big deal, but it doesn't make it correct etiquette-wise.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
  • TBH the only person I noticed on wedding day was H's and my mutual friend who had dyed her hair bright purple...but as a guest I always notice who decided they had to wear a white dress or Hawaiian print board shorts. 
  • TBH the only person I noticed on wedding day was H's and my mutual friend who had dyed her hair bright purple...but as a guest I always notice who decided they had to wear a white dress or Hawaiian print board shorts. 
    Hahaha, I love that, I can just picture it now. Honestly, I think if I saw someone dressed like that at my own wedding, I would just have to laugh at it with my H. What other people decide to wear is just one of those things you cannot control, and those who really want to attend a wedding dressed inappropriately are going to do so no matter how you direct them on the invitation
  • Hm, hadn't heard the rule about not wearing red before, I've only ever worn red and black to weddings as an adult...don't think I horrified anyone, but you never know. I'll be wearing red at my wedding; should I inform guests that red is now anathema but white is A-OK? ;)
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