Wedding Etiquette Forum

A Family Member Decides to get married while I'm planning... Help!

I really need some advice from theknot!

Re: A Family Member Decides to get married while I'm planning... Help!


  • I really need some advice from theknot! I got engaged in December 2012, we picked our place and our date (of July 2014) in April 2013. My younger brother just proposed to his girlfriend two weeks ago, August 2013, and they have decided to get married in March 2014! 4 months before my date. My family isn't very wealthy and my fiance and I are completely on our own financially to have our wedding and adding another wedding in the same year will be difficult for my family. I have pointed this out to my brother, and I don't know if I will be able to afford his wedding while saving for mine four months later. I am selfishly concerned some of my family will have to choose between his wedding and mine, and his is now first, even though I've had the date longer.

    I'm also so emotional and extremely sad because I always thought I would be super excited and supportive and involved in his wedding but now I just feel trumped. I never thought he would try to take anything away from what I am planning but cutting me off at the knees seems to have done just that. I don't know how to get over it and I hate most of all that I feel this way. Help me so I'm not bitter or mad about this forever, and please give me advice about how to point out how hurtful this is.

    i'm afraid you won't get advice about this being hurtful, because although you may feel hurt, your brother and his fiance have every right to choose whatever date they please to get married (except your actual date which would just be a mess). it was your choice to have the engagement length and wedding date that suited you and he has the same right. you only get one wedding day, not a month or a quarter or a year. 

    you may be right that some family may choose one wedding over the other but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. just plan the wedding you want and can afford and share in your brother's joy. feel bad for a while if you want, but don't put that on him. this is a happy occasion!
  • You are being absolutely ridiculous. They don't have to wait longer than they want to get married just because of you. Reality Check: the world does not revolve around you!

    Nobody cut you off at the knees. Nobody has taken anything away from you. Is it possible that some people won't be able to make it to both? Yes. But that's life. You know what really sucks? Your sister not being happy for you and your fiance because she's too selfishly involved in her own wedding.

    If it's such a big fucking deal - move your date.


  • cruffino said:
    i'm afraid you won't get advice about this being hurtful, because although you may feel hurt, your brother and his fiance have every right to choose whatever date they please to get married (except your actual date which would just be a mess). it was your choice to have the engagement length and wedding date that suited you and he has the same right. you only get one wedding day, not a month or a quarter or a year. 

    you may be right that some family may choose one wedding over the other but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. just plan the wedding you want and can afford and share in your brother's joy. feel bad for a while if you want, but don't put that on him. this is a happy occasion!

    This exactly.  Send out save the dates about 9 months out so your date will be on people's radar before they find out about his.  But honestly, just let it go.  It is your family and guests' business how they handle their finances (whether it be traveling to one or both weddings, whether to send gifts, contributing money to the wedding, etc).  SIL picked her date first, almost two years in advance, and DH and I got married 7 weeks before her.  We did it because it worked for our vision and our desired timeline, it had nothing to do with "cutting her off at the knees".  Maybe your family dynamics are different than ours (H and his sister are not close), but I think this is a time to roll your eyes and move ahead with your own plans.
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  • You don't get to commandeer a years worth of dates because you want a long engagement. He has done nothing wrong. I have a hard time envisioning a budget where you can afford your own wedding but can't at all go to his. Is his going to be in Australia or something?!? I'm not sure why you thought you'd be super involved in planning his wedding anyway. Last I checked, "sister of the groom" is pretty much the same as "guest" in role, plus attending the rehersal dinner. Get over it.
  • I really need some advice from theknot! I got engaged in December 2012, we picked our place and our date (of July 2014) in April 2013. Congrats! My younger brother just proposed to his girlfriend two weeks ago, August 2013, and they have decided to get married in March 2014! Congrats to them too! 4 months before my date. So? My family isn't very wealthy and my fiance and I are completely on our own financially to have our wedding and adding another wedding in the same year will be difficult for my family. Why? You/your FI and your brother/his FI are financially responsible for your own weddings. I have pointed this out to my brother, and I don't know if I will be able to afford his wedding while saving for mine four months later. I am selfishly concerned some of my family will have to choose between his wedding and mine, and his is now first, even though I've had the date longer.

    I'm also so emotional and extremely sad because I always thought I would be super excited and supportive and involved in his wedding but now I just feel trumped. You have allowed yourself to feel this way. You are in complete control of your reaction to your brother's announcement. I never thought he would try to take anything away from what I am planning but cutting me off at the knees seems to have done just that. Don't blame him! You are choosing to respond this way to his announcement. You both have a right to plan weddings when you want (except on the same day). Neither of you are doing anything wrong. I don't know how to get over it and I hate most of all that I feel this way. Help me so I'm not bitter or mad about this forever, and please give me advice about how to point out how hurtful this is. Don't - there's nothing to point out. He chose his date, you chose yours. You get one day. Not a month, not four months, not a year. One day. If you're really concerned about all this, I'd consider moving your date. 

    I think I'm missing something. The only cost to your family is getting to the wedding. Is your family abroad or do they all need to travel for your weddings? Are you planning a destination wedding? Otherwise, I don't understand how money is an issue at all. 
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  • I agree with the above poster who said feel it and move on. This is your brother. I'm sure he and his FI didn't choose this date to anger or upset you. They chose the date that works best for them. I've seen my brother go through a tremendous amount of heartbreak, including a wedding that was called off. I can honestly say that if he got engaged to his girlfriend and then decided to get married before me, I would truly be happy. I would also figure out of a way to afford to attend/be in his wedding, even if it meant putting away money each week and cutting something out of my day. 
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2013
    This isn't a big deal. Don't worry about it. :)
    Four months between the two is huge. Your weddings aren't even in the same season. No thunder will be stolen. There will be plenty of time between the two weddings for people to get excited for yours again and to save up to attend both if they so choose. My husband's brother's, cousin's, and our wedding were all within a 5 month span. We all had wonderful weddings with lots of guests as well as lots of pre-wedding fun too (ie showers).

    They didn't do anything wrong. Maybe they wanted a spring wedding (totally their right) and didn't want to wait a year and a half to get married (also their right).
    You have to think... do you really think your brother and his wife to be shouldn't be allowed to have a spring wedding because you have a summer one? Do you really think your brother and his wife to be should have to wait an extra year to get married if they don't want to?

    It isn't fair to ask them to change / guilt them about the date they choose. It's giving them worry about something they should be happy about.
    This will turn out just fine. I'd tell your brother that you've realized you were worried for no reason and you're super excited for March.

    It'll be ok. Good luck!
  • You get one day. He gets one day. And there's plenty of separation between the dates. Relax. Have some chocolate and wine.
  • OP - There is no point in deleting your post as someone quoted you.


  • Oh OP, you are getting good advice from TK. I am sorry if it's not what you want to hear but all the pp are right, you only get one day.
  • Well, here's my .02.

    You can't help the way you feel, but at the same time, you can.  You can't help your initial knee jerk responses, but after that, if you stay mad, it's because you're allowing yourself to.

    Your brother has not taken anything away from you.  Your brother is in love, and has found the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with.  You should be HAPPY for him.  He's getting married 4 months before you.  Ok...so?

    That's not a huge issue.  At all.  If people can afford to go to only one wedding, it is what it is.  Do you really want old Aunt Millie's absence to be the reason why you couldn't be happy for your brother?



  • I really need some advice from theknot! I got engaged in December 2012, we picked our place and our date (of July 2014) in April 2013. My younger brother just proposed to his girlfriend two weeks ago, August 2013, and they have decided to get married in March 2014! 4 months before my date. My family isn't very wealthy and my fiance and I are completely on our own financially to have our wedding and adding another wedding in the same year will be difficult for my family. I have pointed this out to my brother, and I don't know if I will be able to afford his wedding while saving for mine four months later. I am selfish.ly concerned some of my family will have to choose between his wedding and mine, and his is now first, even though I've had the date longer.

    I'm also so emotional and extremely sad because I always thought I would be super excited and supportive and involved in his wedding but now I just feel trumped. I never thought he would try to take anything away from what I am planning but cutting me off at the knees seems to have done just that. I don't know how to get over it and I hate most of all that I feel this way. Help me so I'm not bitter or mad about this forever, and please give me advice about how to point out how hurtful this is.


    Fixed that for ya. Listen to PPs.
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  • I think that's my favorite DD.
  • I really need some advice from theknot!


    All of the advice is from theknot members. It has helped me!
  • I really need some advice from theknot!


    You got it!
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  • I've been engaged for just over a year now, and found out my dad is getting remarried in Nov. As long as this woman makes him happy, I'm thrilled. My brother got married a couple months ago (his second or third marriage). Again, I'm happy he found someone who he can make happy. Her facebook is full of "my wonderful loving husband is so mushy mushy amazing." I guess I should be mad that they're stealing my spotlight. Instead, I'm thrilled to have a new sister and still processing the idea of a step mom (but happy for him; after everything with mom, he deserves to find happiness). Get over yourself and be happy for your brother.  It's not every day you get a new sister.
  • cowgirl8238cowgirl8238 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2013

    I just want to add my 2 cents in here.  I am sorry that you do not feel excited for your brother and his engagement!  I understand a bit why you feel the way you do, but let me tell you that as an OOT guest for FOUR weddings that all occured WITHIN TWO MONTHS!  I made the plan to go to everyone of them!  I would never have missed the weddings and I think most people will do what they need to do in order to attend both weddings!  A gap like yours is nothing compared to when all of the weddings my fiancee and I went to were!  Yet I attended all four weddings (as there own events), plus I brought a nice gift for each.  All of this from three states away without complaining once!  (Do you know how much gas and tolls is to travel from Central PA to Long Island?) 

    I remember getting each invitation and being just as excited that each of our friends were tying the knot!  (Okay I may have been a little jealous that my fiancee hadn't even proposed to me yet, but that is irrelavent)  I understand your "not feeling special" nonsense but I can tell you I remember of their weddings distictly.  As long as none of your major events run the same date its not a big deal.

    Weddings are a happy occassion!  You will still get your big day and it will be just as special as your brothers so just smile and be happy for him!!!!!!!

    Edited for clarity/added another thought

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