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FMIL over-invited...now what?

RJD5RJD5 member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Let me preface by saying I love my FMIL dearly. Let me also say that FI and I are paying for this wedding ourselves and completely out of pocket.

We booked a wedding reception venue with a max capacity of 100 because it's what we could afford. We took myself, FI, pastor, his wife, and FSIL's family (which both sides are close to) directly from the 100 (so we didn't have to figure out who's "side" they came from) and that left my side with 45 and his with 45. I've been asking FMIL for a guest list for about 2 months.

We were not going to do save-the-dates, but FMIL really pushed us to and we got an amazing deal, so we were more than happy to. I was still asking for a guest list to mail them to FI's "sides" invites, but she said that she would mail them out since I'm really busy between school and work, so I didn't forsee a problem.

Now there's a problem. I just got her guest list and it has 50 people. Not including herself, her husband, or FI's 3 brothers. It also does not include any of FI's friends/people he really wanted.

I know that etiquette dictates that anyone whom receives a save-the-date gets an invite. But we're over the max capacity and I'm not expecting a lot of "no"s....what do I do?

(FI wants to cut several people that she listed because he's only ever met them once, but she said absolutely not because they've been friends with his parents for a long time and his parents have been to the weddings of their kids. I've already cut everyone I possibly can - including some family and some really good friends. We can't cut anyone else from my side to make room for his).
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Re: FMIL over-invited...now what?

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    QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited September 2013

    You make your list with your FI of who you want there, and then you tell FMIL how many spaces she has.  If that's 10, or 15, then that's what it is.  And your FI can handle this.  He should say "Mom, we have space for 100 people.  Between FI and RJD5, we have already used 50 of those spaces, the other 50 spaces will be split between you and RDJ5's parents.  Please let me know the 25 people you'd like to invite.  There isn't space for any additional people over that 25.

    Then, stick to it.

    ETA: Reading fail. Did your FMIL already send OUT that many STDs?  Why did you actually GIVE them to her to mail, without knowing how many people she was sending them too?  Did you not even tell her how much room you had?

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    http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/

    http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html

    http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/

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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2013
    RJD5 said:
    Let me preface by saying I love my FMIL dearly. Let me also say that FI and I are paying for this wedding ourselves and completely out of pocket.

    We booked a wedding reception venue with a max capacity of 100 because it's what we could afford. We took myself, FI, pastor, his wife, and FSIL's family (which both sides are close to) directly from the 100 (so we didn't have to figure out who's "side" they came from) and that left my side with 45 and his with 45. I've been asking FMIL for a guest list for about 2 months.

    We were not going to do save-the-dates, but FMIL really pushed us to and we got an amazing deal, so we were more than happy to. I was still asking for a guest list to mail them to FI's "sides" invites, but she said that she would mail them out since I'm really busy between school and work, so I didn't forsee a problem.

    Now there's a problem. I just got her guest list and it has 50 people. Not including herself, her husband, or FI's 3 brothers. It also does not include any of FI's friends/people he really wanted.

    I know that etiquette dictates that anyone whom receives a save-the-date gets an invite. But we're over the max capacity and I'm not expecting a lot of "no"s....what do I do?

    (FI wants to cut several people that she listed because he's only ever met them once, but she said absolutely not because they've been friends with his parents for a long time and his parents have been to the weddings of their kids. I've already cut everyone I possibly can - including some family and some really good friends. We can't cut anyone else from my side to make room for his).
    Ditto QueerFemme; why on EARTH did you let your FMIL have STDates to mail out herself? That was your first mistake.

    What you do now? There are no good solutions.

    One, you find another venue that can accommodate all your guests -- because you're right, anyone who received a STDate must get an invite. 

    Two, you cancel this wedding, and schedule another wedding, at another, distant date/time, thus negating all the STDates you sent to the first one and enabling you to send new STDates to the new wedding. 

    Three, you and your FI sit your FMIL down and read her the riot act, then tell her, "You have X number of slots. Either you pick the people to fill them or we will randomly choose from your list for you."

    With the third option, you add back in your family/friends, your FI's family/friends, and people that YOU WANT there. It was nice of you to give your FMIL nearly half the guest list but you didn't have to. (Actually, that might have been your first mistake.) 

    Of the three options, the first is the most practical. Good luck!

    ETA: Grammar
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    RJD5RJD5 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    I did let her know from the get-go that there were only 45 spaces for his side and I let her know from the very beginning that that was to include anyone he wanted invited. I gave her the STDs because I trusted that she and FI would be able to come up with a guest list that doesn't include more than those 45. I didn't realize she wouldn't even run the list by him first.

    If it helps, she isn't mailing out any invites...
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    JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I may be wrong...and please, correct me if I am... but since you gave FMIL a very specific number & she violated that, shouldn't there be the option of having FMIL tell a handful of those guests that she made a mistake and they aren't actually invited?

    I mean, we read stories here often about how FMILs overstep their boundaries and inappropriately invite guests to things, and the answer is to have FMIL swallow it and admit her mistake to people. Since OP was clear with her FMIL about how many to invite, is OP still in the wrong here?
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    gailpetegailpete member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    To continue HisGirlFriday's list- Option 4- find a venue that can handle the total guest list (including those that were on your and FI's list) and tell FMIL that she can either call the people that got STDs that aren't on your list that she made a mistake, or she can pay for the additional people (and get cash in hand from FMIL before committing to this option).
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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Agree w/ PP, you need to find a new venue that can accommodate everyone that has received a STD.  Your FMIL also needs to pay for this added expense because she knowingly went over the limit.
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    HisGirlFriday13HisGirlFriday13 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    JellyBean52513 said:
    I may be wrong...and please, correct me if I am... but since you gave FMIL a very specific number & she violated that, shouldn't there be the option of having FMIL tell a handful of those guests that she made a mistake and they aren't actually invited? I mean, we read stories here often about how FMILs overstep their boundaries and inappropriately invite guests to things, and the answer is to have FMIL swallow it and admit her mistake to people. Since OP was clear with her FMIL about how many to invite, is OP still in the wrong here?
    You're right that we usually make FMILs retract inappropriately given invites, but in this case, OP gave her FMIL the STDates and allowed her to mail them -- which means the guests received an invite that *appears* to be from the B/G.

    I think you could make the argument that since FMIL over-invited, she has to call and undo this mistake, but there are other options -- such as finding another venue -- open to the B/G. Usually the "retract this invite for else!" edicts are issued when the venue has already been locked in and we're talking wedding invites, not STDates.

    I suppose you could make the argument for having FMIL call people and uninvite them; it's just a tough position.

    OP -- can you get your money back on the venue? Have you paid a deposit? How far out is your wedding?
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    JellyBean52513JellyBean52513 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think the best option is to find a new venue & have FI tell his mother that since she broke the rules on guest count limit, she'll have to pay to accommodate the people she invited beyond her allotted 45. What a tough position to be in
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its

    JellyBean52513 said:
    I think the best option is to find a new venue & have FI tell his mother that since she broke the rules on guest count limit, she'll have to pay to accommodate the people she invited beyond her allotted 45. What a tough position to be in
    I agree that this sounds like the best solution.  And whatever you do, don't let your FMIL have any invitations to mail out.
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    RJD5RJD5 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    The reception location is already paid in full for two days (the day before to be able to decorate and such and the day of for the reception). There's no getting our money back
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    smalfrie19smalfrie19 member
    Combo Breaker First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    RJD5 said:
    The reception location is already paid in full for two days (the day before to be able to decorate and such and the day of for the reception). There's no getting our money back
    Then you need to have her determine who is "excess" and call them and tell them there was a mistake and they unfortunately cannot be accommodated. 
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    JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    RJD5 said:
    The reception location is already paid in full for two days (the day before to be able to decorate and such and the day of for the reception). There's no getting our money back
    Then you have to tell your FMIL to call people to uninvite them.  She will just have to apologize profusely.

    She should've never had control of the STDs to begin with, especially when you're paying.  YOU should be doing all wedding correspondence.

    Just curious, how many people did you tell your FMIL she could invite?  Because in your OP you mentioned that she invited 50, not including what seems like 5 other people......and that it didn't include your FIs friends.  Your FIs friends should never be a part of her guest count.  Yes, she's wrong for overinviting by 10, but you should've reduced her number in order to accommodate your FIs friends.

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    palrmtpalrmt member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    I agree that you should have factored in Fi's friends before giving her the number of spaces she had. And she dedefinitely should not have had access to the STD's. But what's done is done and now you have to move forward. Since getting your money back isn't an option, having her call and uninvite guests might be the only way you can go about it. Unless she's willing to pay for a whole new venue. It IS rude to call and retract an invitation from someone who received a STD though.
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    MoonlightSilverMoonlightSilver member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Did she address every person by name? Did she invite any families with kids that you could cut the kids from to make her fit her number?
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    erinlin25erinlin25 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    can the venue hold more than 100 ?  It sounds like 100 was your limit on what you can afford (which is fine, I just want to understand clearly).  I would not cut my family and friends because she over invited.  You (or really your FI) should have said "we need your guest list by this date mom. You can invite x amount of people."  If she "over invited" even after her guidelines, FI should say "sorry mom we can only host this many people."  You and FI need to stick together and be united.  Either she can then offer to pay for her over invites or she will have to dis-invite them.  Which you should not dis-invite but its her mess to handle since she invited too many people.  She definitely should not have been given more STDs than her alotted amount of invites (and really you should have sent the STDs not her so that could have totally been avoided in the first place).  
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    thelastdreamerthelastdreamer member
    First Answer 5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    Wait, so did the STDs get mailed? You said she didn't mail them. If that's the case, just tell her she must cut x amount.
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