How to break it to dad...

Chip09 · August 2013

I've found myself in a bit of a situation.

You know how most brides have their dads walk them down the aisle and everyone is happy? Yeah well, if life could only be that easy.

My parents have been divorced since I was 3, and my dad moved to Texas when I was about 5. Needless to say, I don't see or talk to my dad much except for a handful of times each year. I decided that I wanted to have my mom walk me down the aisle.. she's been there for me throughout my entire life. She's raised me, taught me everything I know, got me through my fiancé's deployment last year, and has supported the two of us so much with this wedding. To be honest, I don't even think my dad likes my fiancé.. and for no good reason other than he doesn't know him and my fiancé is 'taking his little girl away'. (Which I think is just ridiculous.. he chose that path YEARS ago and decided to not be a part of our lives)

But he's the type of guy who I KNOW will cause a stink when I tell him I'm having my mother walk me down the aisle. He'll get to drinking a bit that night and start to run his mouth and I absolutely do not want any drama on my wedding day. I was thinking of having him do a reading at the ceremony so at least he will feel a part of things, because I do respect him in the sense that I know without him I would not be here today.

I don't want my dad to walk me, and I know without a doubt that my mom deserves that honor. How do I break it to my dad without sounding like a huge jerk and causing hurt feelings? I know I shouldn't even care, but I do.

KDM323 · August 2013

This is a situation where you are going to have to put on your big girl panties and just tell him the truth. That you feel as though your Mom has earned the place of walking you down the aisle and that you want him to do a reading and you respect and love him and hope he understands. There really isn't a "nice" way to break it to him. Your reasons are valid and hopefully by the time your wedding is here, he will have gotten over the initial reaction and be mature about it.

Chip09 · August 2013

I appreciate both of your inputs.. I agree that I'll probably just have to tell him like it is. However, since we hardly talk I'll have to think of a way to bring it up to him.

misssunshine17 · August 2013

I wouldn't seek him out. But then again, that could blow up on your wedding day if he expects to.

MoonlightSilver · August 2013

Why do you need to bring it up? If he hasn't been a part of your life, he shouldn't assume he's going to walk you down the aisle. I wouldn't bring it up unless he does first.

southernbelle0915 · August 2013

Say you don't tell him. Do you see him making a scene or trying to "step in" when you're about to walk down? If so, I would have a conversation with him about it. If not, I agree with PPs not to bring it up.

The moment you're about to walk down the aisle, you need to be in a calm place emotionally so you can focus on the moment. If you anticipate a problem, I see no issues in proactively addressing it.

itzMS · August 2013

You have to weigh the pros and cons for yourself, since this is a very personal situation.

Can you walk alone?

Can you have mom AND dad walk with you?

My stepdad didn't raise me, but I had both my mom and stepdad walk with me (my bio dad is deceased). It would've caused much more chaos/hurt feelings to exclude stepdad versus include him even though I didn't really WANT to include him.

TBH, I only remember looking at DH as I walked down the aisle. It wouldn't have mattered who was escorting me.

Chip09 · August 2013

I just feel like if I don't bring it up beforehand, it'll cause issues the day of the wedding. He's the kind of person who will expect for me to just let him do it, regardless of him not being active in my life, because that's what's supposed to happen, regardless of whether or not he deserves it. He knows he missed out on a lot of my life, but I don't think he'll realize that he won't be the one to have that moment with me unless it's brought up beforehand.

My mom would never walk down the aisle with me and my dad, I've already brought it up to my mom and she blatantly just said never going to happen.

SP29 · August 2013

You are not wrong to chose (only) your mother to walk you down the aisle.

I agree that I would probably leave it, unless you perceive a huge issue will result (which you do). As for how to say it- over the phone, and you'll have to say it point blank, while still being respectful to his potentially hurt feelings.

kmmssg · August 2013

From a MOB POV - it sounds like is the kind of guy who feels entitled to things and doesn't "get" that he missed the parenting train altogether. From that standpoint (and if it is correct) I strongly encourage you to make sure he knows this far ahead of time.

I do not think you are wrong at all in your choice - it is a very personal choice and one that belongs only to you. He may threaten not to attend the wedding, he may throw a hissy fit and attend, or he may shut up, sit down, and not cause a stir. Regardless - he needs to know ahead of time. He obviously doesn't understand that he hasn't been there for you so he obviously won't understand that he isn't walking you down the aisle. Your wedding day or a day or two ahead of time is NOT the time for him to find this out.

Chip09 · August 2013

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and support. I think you all are right and I just need to get it done and over with as soon as possible so that way it's in the open ahead of time and not causing an issue on our big day.

clg1213 · August 2013

Another reason to do it ahead of time: You'll feel SO much better once it is said.

And Yay for recognizing your Mom and for putting your own reality before a tradition that simply doesn't fit your life.

ashleyep · August 2013

I agree that you should tell him ahead of time. Better for him to make a stink about it now than a week before the wedding.

My fiance has had a couple of tough family decisions to make for our wedding and it's not going to be easy, it hasn't with him, but you just have to suck it up and have that conversation.

ccgreekwed · September 2013

There are some great words of advice on here - I have a similar situation with my father and decided long ago that he would not walk me down the isle. I used to think I would have my mother and brother walk me but didn't want to hurt my dad's feelings or have people wondering why he was there and the only one not with me.

My FMIL got really upset a couple of weeks ago when I broke the news to her that I would be walking down the isle alone - Ultimately I feel like no one should "give me away" because it is my choice to be marrying him, just like it was his choice to ask me. Her reaction was so strong I am nervous about how to broach the subject with my father. Hopefully the church allows an outside oganist to play at the ceremony because then I could ask him to play the processional music.

I wish you the best with your decision - it is hard; but no one said growing up was easy

missangelinamiley · October 2013

I have a very non-traditional family, almost all the family elopes and that's it, no parties, no celebrations.

So as the exception my family is not expecting much from me, I have a dad and our relationship is great but he won't be walking me down the aisle. He is a super sensitive guy so what I plan to do is mention it when the wedding planning comes up I'll just casually mention that he's off the hook - FI and I will walk down the aisle together.

I honestly have no idea if he even expects to walk me down the aisle but taking the emphasis off he's not and on we are doing something different I'll hope he doesn't have any hard feelings about it.

How to break it to dad...

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