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Who are any of us to make a judgment about what is acceptbale and not acceptable. I don't see why a woman can want to have her perfect wedding and that's all fine for her want to dress up and have a day, but that she can't have "her day" after she's been legally married. If she's already married, what you're referring to as "her day" isn't a wedding. A wedding is where people get married. If she had a wedding (yes, the courthouse counts) and she wants to celebrate with family and friends, throw a party. It's the "pretending to be a bride when she's not" part that's not ok.If it is inappropriate for her to want to look lovely and have a dress and a cake and feed her guest a 20 a plate dinner, and celebrate her marriage with family and friend after her legal marriage, then it should be just as unseemly before. She can throw a party, but pretending to be a bride when she's a wife makes no sense and is not ok. The time frame doesn't matter. It does if she's pretending to be a bride when she's not... If she wanted a certain type of wedding, she should have planned it that way. If benefits/housing/whatever was more important and she decided to get married, so be it. She's married - that's wonderful! materialistic behavior shouldn't be accepted either before or after the wedding occurs. Brides do get married for the gifts under what you consider "the proper order" all the time. Why don't you call them out on that? If someone posted on the etiquette board "I am getting married for the presents. How can I make sure my guests know I want presents?" We would say, it's rude to expect or ask for gifts. Lurk a little and you'll see that.IN CASE ANYONE NOTICED: this is an area for etiquette. Indeed it is. So why are you telling people to do things that are seen as against etiquette? Your personal feelings on the situation should not affect your advice. These things happen all the time Common =/= Etiquette and I don't think anyone should refuse to offer advice just because you don't like the terms under which it's happening. I saw an opportunity to offer advice where no one else was willing. You're not a martyr. You're giving bad advice on the etiquette board. If anything, it just doesn't make sense. I will continue to post on this topic simply because there are all kinds of ways to celebrate your wedding. Right - your WEDDING. If you're already married, whatever you're planning isn't a WEDDING because a WEDDING is where people get married. If no one's getting married, there's no WEDDING. That's what etiquette is: the best way to handle a difficult situation. No actually, Etiquette = good manners. Etiquette =/= handling difficult situations... where on earth did you get that?
So, it's perfectly acceptable for a bride to want a proper wedding and gifts and the full trappings before she is legally wed....
@grumbledore -- well, pedantic, maybe I'm guilty of But I try hard not to be disingenuous!I'm quickly falling in love with this board -- not because I have anything meaningful to contribute but because of how much I'm learning. I'll be the first to admit I have a long way to go in understanding the nuance of etiquette.When I was younger, I was embarrassed for not bringing a gift to a wedding. To hear you say that it is, in fact, rude of the bride to expect a gift, is a surprise. My understanding was always that it was rude for a GUEST not to bring a gift, considering the expense of hosting each guest. I've mentioned in other threads... much of my etiquette comes from my German mother, and I'm finding more and more that it does differ from American customs. Can you clarify?If I could clarify one position though -- I did not mean that it was polite to expect gifts, I said it was "accepted." I seriously doubt there are many Americans that raise eyebrows and scoff anymore when they see information about gift registries on invitations. As you point out, it is NOT polite, by any stretch, but accepted? Perhaps.I regret that any of my discussion sounded like encouragement of poor hospitality. I am personally rethinking a TON of my previous assumptions on weddings, and would never want to encourage someone to be inhospitable.
Posters here argue that registry information on invitations are rude, gift grabby, and tacky. Spend more time lurking. Every reg here started as a newb. Seriously, none of them will tell you that they were etiquette experts before they joined TK.