MOH Backed out What to do??

jenmartin4429 · September 2013

My MOH who I have been friends with since the 6th grade, back out of my wedding last night 1 week before my wedding. She lives over an hour away and has no job, 3 kids and a boyfriend who supports them. I understood that she might not be able to help out finacially as much. Me and my mother had discussed this and she was okay with helping her. About 3 months or so ago, EVERY plan that we had made and would go on she would start getting sick and had to leave (which is tipcal of her bc she likes all the attention to be on her and IS ALWAYS SICK). As soon as I had arrived at my bachlorette party that she did not plan (my fiances sister had put in all the money and work to do it) the MOH was running to the bathroom every 10 minutes which was very embarassing especially since she had been drinking margaritas before I was there and acted fine. She ended up leaving after dinner and not going to a ball game with us like we had planned. About a month later things just seemed to get worse. Last week I had mentioned to her that she still had a lot going on and wasnt feeling the best and I wanted to make sure that she was going to be able to make it to the wedding. I had told the girls I had someone coming who would do all our hair the day of the wedding and it would be $20 not much at all. She said she didnt want to pay for her hair to get done and would do it herself. I even offered to pay for her hair. After everything she continued to talk and not let me get a word in at all. I'm not trying to be selfish and havent been this whole time and hardly asked for anything from the girls. She said that she should prob not be in the wedding and backed out. I had printed all our programs and now am feeling very disappointed. I have a friend who we took dress shopping and found one in her size same color not the style though. I asked and mentioned to all the bridesmaids that I was going to have her be the maid of honor ONLY bc she had a different dress... everyone is fine with it but my fiances sister bc she has done a lot for the wedding but I just didnt want the other dresses to clash... PLEASE HELP? I dunno what to do? am I wrong?? ; (

KeptInStitches · September 2013

I'm sorry your MOH backed out, but you're wrong. She's unemployed with 3 kids - money is tight! You shouldn't have insisted that she get her hair professionally done at her expense. Even $20 could be a lot of money to her. She might have been looking for excuses to get away from the party because she was uncomfortable, and being sick is a quick and dirty excuse.

If I were you, I would call her and apologize because it feels like you haven't been very sensitive to her financial situation. And you absolutely should not replace her - what kind of message does that send both to your old MOH, one of your oldest friends, and your "new" MOH? Your old MOH is replaceable in your world, your new MOH might feel like she'd be just as replaceable.

MyNameIsNot · September 2013

jenmartin4429 said:

My MOH who I have been friends with since the 6th grade, back out of my wedding last night 1 week before my wedding. She lives over an hour away and has no job, 3 kids and a boyfriend who supports them. I understood that she might not be able to help out finacially as much. Me and my mother had discussed this and she was okay with helping her. About 3 months or so ago, EVERY plan that we had made and would go on she would start getting sick and had to leave (which is tipcal of her bc she likes all the attention to be on her and IS ALWAYS SICK). As soon as I had arrived at my bachlorette party that she did not plan (my fiances sister had put in all the money and work to do it) the MOH was running to the bathroom every 10 minutes which was very embarassing especially since she had been drinking margaritas before I was there and acted fine. She ended up leaving after dinner and not going to a ball game with us like we had planned. About a month later things just seemed to get worse. Last week I had mentioned to her that she still had a lot going on and wasnt feeling the best and I wanted to make sure that she was going to be able to make it to the wedding. I had told the girls I had someone coming who would do all our hair the day of the wedding and it would be $20 not much at all. She said she didnt want to pay for her hair to get done and would do it herself. I even offered to pay for her hair. After everything she continued to talk and not let me get a word in at all. I'm not trying to be selfish and havent been this whole time and hardly asked for anything from the girls. She said that she should prob not be in the wedding and backed out. I had printed all our programs and now am feeling very disappointed. I have a friend who we took dress shopping and found one in her size same color not the style though. I asked and mentioned to all the bridesmaids that I was going to have her be the maid of honor ONLY bc she had a different dress... everyone is fine with it but my fiances sister bc she has done a lot for the wedding but I just didnt want the other dresses to clash... PLEASE HELP? I dunno what to do? am I wrong?? ; (

Your MOH is supposed to be your best friend. You are trashing this woman like you hate her. If you talk this badly about her to strangers, I'm sure she's running to the bathroom every 10 minutes to get away from you.

You were wrong to insist that she get her hair professionally done. You owe her an apology for that one. You also should apologize for being so judgmental. She has probably picked up on how you really feel about her. If you want to maintain the friendship, you need to fix that. In your apology, you could invite her back into the wedding, and explain that you've realized that having your dear friend stand up with you is so much more important than hair or dresses.

Even if she decides to stay out of the wedding, you never replace her. That's a slap in the face to this girl and to the understudy.

blueobsidian · September 2013

If my best friend was always sick and I saw her running to the bathroom every ten minutes, I would be worried about her. I have a chronic health condition and would hate to know that someone I considered a friend was judging me for it.

Yes, you were wrong to insist your bridal party had their hair professionally done. If you want that, you need to pay for it. She also had no responsibility to throw you any pre-wedding parties. They are a gift and it is great if someone offers, but it is not someone's job.

allispain · September 2013

blueobsidian said:

If my best friend was always sick and I saw her running to the bathroom every ten minutes, I would be worried about her. I have a chronic health condition and would hate to know that someone I considered a friend was judging me for it.

Yes, you were wrong to insist your bridal party had their hair professionally done. If you want that, you need to pay for it. She also had no responsibility to throw you any pre-wedding parties. They are a gift and it is great if someone offers, but it is not someone's job.

All of this.

Fran1985 · September 2013

Am I reading this right that not only did you pick a new person to replace her, but you are having someone who wasn't even close enough to you to be original bridesmaid and asking her to be your maid of honor? No wonder your future sister in law is upset. 1) you never should replace a bridesmaid 2) its almost insane you are asking someone to be your maid of honor because of a dress. I think you should apologize to your friend, and say I am so sorry you have been going through something, ask if there is anything you can do to help, and tell her if she can make it she is welcome to come and you would love to see her there either as MOH or a guest but you understand if she cant make it. I think you should apologize to your fsil and tell her you are not going to replace your maid of honor, but that you really appreciate everything she has done for your wedding. Have you asked the new girl to be an actual MOH? If not please dont, but since youve already asked her to be a bridesmaid keep her as one obviously .

Dreamergirl8812 · September 2013

jenmartin4429 said:

My MOH who I have been friends with since the 6th grade, back out of my wedding last night 1 week before my wedding. She lives over an hour away and has no job, 3 kids and a boyfriend who supports them. I understood that she might not be able to help out finacially as much. Me and my mother had discussed this and she was okay with helping her. About 3 months or so ago, EVERY plan that we had made and would go on she would start getting sick and had to leave (which is tipcal of her bc she likes all the attention to be on her and IS ALWAYS SICK). As soon as I had arrived at my bachlorette party that she did not plan (my fiances sister had put in all the money and work to do it) the MOH was running to the bathroom every 10 minutes which was very embarassing especially since she had been drinking margaritas before I was there and acted fine. She ended up leaving after dinner and not going to a ball game with us like we had planned. About a month later things just seemed to get worse. Last week I had mentioned to her that she still had a lot going on and wasnt feeling the best and I wanted to make sure that she was going to be able to make it to the wedding. I had told the girls I had someone coming who would do all our hair the day of the wedding and it would be $20 not much at all. She said she didnt want to pay for her hair to get done and would do it herself. I even offered to pay for her hair. After everything she continued to talk and not let me get a word in at all. I'm not trying to be selfish and havent been this whole time and hardly asked for anything from the girls. She said that she should prob not be in the wedding and backed out. I had printed all our programs and now am feeling very disappointed. I have a friend who we took dress shopping and found one in her size same color not the style though. I asked and mentioned to all the bridesmaids that I was going to have her be the maid of honor ONLY bc she had a different dress... everyone is fine with it but my fiances sister bc she has done a lot for the wedding but I just didnt want the other dresses to clash... PLEASE HELP? I dunno what to do? am I wrong?? ; (

Am I just dense? I can't read this and don't even understand what it means.

Blue_Bird · September 2013

This whole scenario really disgusts me. Yes, you are completely wrong.

What do you do? Apologize to your maid of honor, your back up maid of honor, and anyone else whose feelings you've disregarded in the interest of aesthetics and entitlement.

mlg78 · September 2013

Blue_Bird said:

This whole scenario really disgusts me. Yes, you are completely wrong.

What do you do? Apologize to your maid of honor, your back up maid of honor, and anyone else whose feelings you've disregarded in the interest of aesthetics and entitlement.

I wish I could click "love it" a dozen times. You were wrong. Your MOH was not.

Viczaesar · September 2013

I just can't.

RedJacks25 · September 2013

Maggie0829 · September 2013

So you picked your replacement MOH solely because her dress is different? Yeah, I don't think you really get it.

daveANDkristen · September 2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

jenmartin4429 said:

My MOH who I have been friends with since the 6th grade, back out of my wedding last night 1 week before my wedding. She lives over an hour away and has no job, 3 kids and a boyfriend who supports them. I understood that she might not be able to help out finacially as much. Me and my mother had discussed this and she was okay with helping her. About 3 months or so ago, EVERY plan that we had made and would go on she would start getting sick and had to leave (which is tipcal of her bc she likes all the attention to be on her and IS ALWAYS SICK). As soon as I had arrived at my bachlorette party that she did not plan (my fiances sister had put in all the money and work to do it) the MOH was running to the bathroom every 10 minutes which was very embarassing especially since she had been drinking margaritas before I was there and acted fine. She ended up leaving after dinner and not going to a ball game with us like we had planned. About a month later things just seemed to get worse. Last week I had mentioned to her that she still had a lot going on and wasnt feeling the best and I wanted to make sure that she was going to be able to make it to the wedding. I had told the girls I had someone coming who would do all our hair the day of the wedding and it would be $20 not much at all. She said she didnt want to pay for her hair to get done and would do it herself. I even offered to pay for her hair. After everything she continued to talk and not let me get a word in at all. I'm not trying to be selfish and havent been this whole time and hardly asked for anything from the girls. She said that she should prob not be in the wedding and backed out. I had printed all our programs and now am feeling very disappointed. I have a friend who we took dress shopping and found one in her size same color not the style though. I asked and mentioned to all the bridesmaids that I was going to have her be the maid of honor ONLY bc she had a different dress... everyone is fine with it but my fiances sister bc she has done a lot for the wedding but I just didnt want the other dresses to clash... PLEASE HELP? I dunno what to do? am I wrong?? ; (
Am I just dense? I can't read this and don't even understand what it means.

She "needed" a replacement girl since the MOH backed out, but couldn't find the same BM dress on short notice. She found one that's similar, but because the dress is a different style, the new girl is automatically MOH. Because, you know, the bridesmaids all MUST be wearing the same dress or the marriage won't be legal.

OP, obviously we don't know your former-MOH, so I can't say if she actually was sick or just making excuses. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. However, no one, including your MOH is required to throw you a shower or bachelorette party, so it's not fair to count that as a strike against her. She also should not have to get her hair done professionally, though I am glad you offered to pay for it (you should have offered to pay for it in the first place though, since you are requiring it). Your MOH has decided to drop out (is she still coming to the wedding)? It's not the end of the world.

You do not need to have a certain number of bridesmaids, even if you were trying to match the number of groomsmen. No one cares if your numbers don't match, and uneven sides are quite common anyway. It would be very rude to this new BM to ask her at the last minute (if you have already asked her, I sure as hell hope you paid for her dress). If you have already asked her and she actually wants to be in the wedding, then the damage is done. But I certainly hope you don't have her be your MOH just because her dress is different from the other girls. Talk about putting aesthetics before friendships...

LondonLisa · September 2013

jenmartin4429 said:

My MOH who I have been friends with since the 6th grade, back out of my wedding last night 1 week before my wedding. She lives over an hour away and has no job, 3 kids and a boyfriend who supports them.
Wow, that is stressful. Have you talked to her about how she is coping with this?

I understood that she might not be able to help out finacially as much. Me and my mother had discussed this and she was okay with helping her. About 3 months or so ago, EVERY plan that we had made and would go on she would start getting sick and had to leave (which is tipcal of her bc she likes all the attention to be on her and IS ALWAYS SICK). As soon as I had arrived at my bachlorette party that she did not plan (my fiances sister had put in all the money and work to do it) the MOH was running to the bathroom every 10 minutes which was very embarassing especially since she had been drinking margaritas before I was there and acted fine. She ended up leaving after dinner and not going to a ball game with us like we had planned. About a month later things just seemed to get worse.
Did you check if she was OK? In addition to the stress above, that sounds like a very serious health problem. It doesn't seem like you are too concerned with how she is feeling.

Last week I had mentioned to her that she still had a lot going on and wasnt feeling the best and I wanted to make sure that she was going to be able to make it to the wedding.
She has a lot going on and your first reaction is to ask how she will fit into YOUR wedding?! Jeez Louise! It isn't always about you! Show your friend some compassion. Have you talked to her about her life and NOT brought up your wedding?

I had told the girls I had someone coming who would do all our hair the day of the wedding and it would be $20 not much at all. She said she didnt want to pay for her hair to get done and would do it herself. I even offered to pay for her hair. After everything she continued to talk and not let me get a word in at all. I'm not trying to be selfish and havent been this whole time and hardly asked for anything from the girls.
I'm sorry but that it EXACTLY how you sound- Selfish! You should not be asking ANYTHING from your girls.

She said that she should prob not be in the wedding and backed out. I had printed all our programs and now am feeling very disappointed. I have a friend who we took dress shopping and found one in her size same color not the style though. I asked and mentioned to all the bridesmaids that I was going to have her be the maid of honor ONLY bc she had a different dress... everyone is fine with it but my fiances sister bc she has done a lot for the wedding but I just didnt want the other dresses to clash... PLEASE HELP? I dunno what to do? am I wrong?? ; (

Reread those statements highlighted above. She is your friend from 6th grade and you only seem concerned about YOUR wedding. She seems to have some major life problems and you are not supporting HER at all. From what you have written, I'm not surprised she backed out- you don't sound like you are being a very good friend right now. The best advice I ever got about my wedding was: "no matter how much they love you, no one will care about your wedding as much as you do!". Get over yourself and go apologise to your friend for being a jerk. Ask her about her life and DO NOT bring up your wedding at all. Frankly, that is the only way I can see you salvaging this friendship.

PS: Don't even get me started on replacing MOH! Total jerk move!

itzMS · September 2013

I love how there is some allusion in the OP that she actually expected her broke MOH to pay for and host the bachelorette party. Classy.

zitiqueen · September 2013

If all of this behavior is "tipcal" of her, why are you surprised?

wishin4ring · October 2013

Wow, this is the second post I've come across where all the replies are pure BASHING the OP.

To the OP, it was not wrong of you to replace your MOH because SHE backed out.
BUT, before you asked her to be your MOH, or even be a part of your wedding party, maybe you should have thought about her situation. My bride had two people to choose from to be her MOH, me and another girl. She considers both of us her best friends, but ultimately she picked me because I was more responsible and could manage money better.

I don't agree with the replies that said if you wanted them to get their hair professionally done, that you should be "required" to pay for it. Especially when they were getting a great deal on it. There are certain things that brides "require" for their bridesmaids that I don't agree with, but getting their hair done is certainly one that I think anyone could live with, even more-so at $20/per person. But even still - You OFFERED to pay for her hair because you wanted her to be a part of your day.

Ultimately, I don't think you should have asked her to be a part of your bridal party to begin with, reading what kind of situation she is in, and her ailments. I did want to post (even though it is long after you have gotten married) to offer my opinion without completely BASHING you.

Hope everything worked out for you and that your wedding was great!

KeptInStitches · October 2013

Requiring BMs to get their hair done professionally is something that completes the "look" the bride is going for. BMs, as a rule, are responsible for obtaining the dress within their budget, shoes within reason (neutral color, no hard-to-find styles, etc.), and accessories, makeup, and hair for the wedding day at their own discretion. Once the bride starts making requests above that, she should be prepared to shell out for them at her own expense.

PrettyGirlLost · October 2013

wishin4ring said:

Wow, this is the second post I've come across where all the replies are pure BASHING the OP. She's not being "bashed." She is being told that she was in the wrong, and she isn't being validated.

To the OP, it was not wrong of you to replace your MOH because SHE backed out.   This is horrible advice. The OP absolutely was wrong to replace her MOH, presumably to maintain even sides. Look, you don't ask people to be in your bridal party because you need matching props to look good and smile in pictures. You ask your closest family and friends to have a position of honor on your wedding day because you love them.
BUT, before you asked her to be your MOH, or even be a part of your wedding party, maybe you should have thought about her situation.   Yes, she sure should have. You should always privately discuss budgets with your WP members before deciding on a dress that they have to buy, and if you are requiring them to wear specific shoes, or have their hair and make up done a particular way, then you should really be paying for all of that. My bride had two people to choose from to be her MOH, me and another girl. She considers both of us her best friends, but ultimately she picked me because I was more responsible and could manage money better.   Huh? What does that have to do with being a BM? Your friend could have probably chosen the both of you to have the honorary title of MoH.

I don't agree with the replies that said if you wanted them to get their hair professionally done, that you should be "required" to pay for it. Especially when they were getting a great deal on it. There are certain things that brides "require" for their bridesmaids that I don't agree with, but getting their hair done is certainly one that I think anyone could live with, even more-so at $20/per person. But even still - You OFFERED to pay for her hair because you wanted her to be a part of your day.   It was great of the OP to do so, especially since she was requiring everyone have their hair done professionally.

Ultimately, I don't think you should have asked her to be a part of your bridal party to begin with, reading what kind of situation she is in, and her ailments. I did want to post (even though it is long after you have gotten married) to offer my opinion without completely BASHING you.

Hope everything worked out for you and that your wedding was great!

southernbelle0915 · October 2013

wishin4ring said:

Wow, this is the second post I've come across where all the replies are pure BASHING the OP.

To the OP, it was not wrong of you to replace your MOH because SHE backed out. This is not good advice
BUT, before you asked her to be your MOH, or even be a part of your wedding party, maybe you should have thought about her situation. My bride had two people to choose from to be her MOH, me and another girl. She considers both of us her best friends, but ultimately she picked me because I was more responsible and could manage money better. ??? Being MOH has absolutely nothing to do with being responsible and able to handle money. Even if one of my BMs was a CPA, I would have asked my sister anyway. This is a logic fail.

I don't agree with the replies that said if you wanted them to get their hair professionally done, that you should be "required" to pay for it. Especially when they were getting a great deal on it. A "great deal" is relative. People's financial circumstances are different and some people can't afford to have their hair professionally done. It's rude to require it. There are certain things that brides "require" for their bridesmaids that I don't agree with, but getting their hair done is certainly one that I think anyone could live with, even more-so at $20/per person. Just because you are of the opinion that $20 is a great deal for hair and, in your opinion, it's fine to require it, doesn't mean that it's the end-all-be-all of what's ok. But even still - You OFFERED to pay for her hair because you wanted her to be a part of your day.

Ultimately, I don't think you should have asked her to be a part of your bridal party to begin with, reading what kind of situation she is in, and her ailments. I did want to post (even though it is long after you have gotten married) to offer my opinion without completely BASHING you.

Hope everything worked out for you and that your wedding was great!

@wishin4ring - what are these shenanigans?! I'm curious. Let's pretent we are great friends and I asked you to be my MOH. You said yes. Yay!! SQUEEEE!!!!! So I email you and tell you are to pay to have your hair done like this:

It's only $50, which in my opinion, is a great deal (so what if your financial circumstances say differently). I also found shoes that I need you to buy so everyone matches the theme - Alice in Wonderland. Such a good deal at only $40 - in my opinion, it's a STEAL! Here they are:

Also, I find out that another woman who's a BM recently became a CPA - so she's probably better with money than you. And I think she's more responsible. Sorry, but she's now my MOH.

How do you feel? Do you feel like we're in a peer-to-peer, friend relationship? Or do you feel that I am unfairly dictating things to you? Do we share the same opinions?

That's the point - opinions don't create etiquette rules - because obviously everyone's aren't the same.

MOH Backed out What to do??

Re: MOH Backed out What to do??

Choose Another Board

Search Boards