Not wanting to be a bridesmaid

scmurphy2010 · October 2013

I have been very close with my friend since high school and we have become even closer since we graduated. After my fiancé proposed, I found out that she was one of my friends that knew it was going to happen and made the long trip to join out vacation just after he proposed. So there was no question that I wanted her be one of my bridesmaids. She graciously accepted.

While the big day is still a long ways off, we have had a few parties for the two sides to get to know each other. She has attended none of them. The only 'bridal' event she has gone to is one bridal show with me. I'm having a bridesmaid only party and she can't come because "it's the day before her birthday". She also told me she won't come to my bachelorette party if it's in Vegas because she doesn't like Vegas.

I got to thinking: may she does not want to be a bridesmaid. Could that be what's going on or am I overthinking it? Has anyone been offered to be a BM and didn't want to be?

chibiyui · October 2013

All a bridesmaid is obligated to do is buy a dress, show up in the dress sober and smile for the ceremony. Anything else she does is gravy.

Not everyone gets "OMG" about weddings. it sounds like she's happy for you ( I mean, she did join you on vacation after the proposal, right?) she's just not a weddingy person. And thats okay.

I'd also say there's a chance her not wanting to attend a bachelorette party in Vegas might also be about money instead of just not liking the place, but that's just a guess on my part.

OliveOilsMom · October 2013

scmurphy2010 said:

I have been very close with my friend since high school and we have become even closer since we graduated. After my fiancé proposed, I found out that she was one of my friends that knew it was going to happen and made the long trip to join out vacation just after he proposed. So there was no question that I wanted her be one of my bridesmaids. She graciously accepted. While the big day is still a long ways off, we have had a few parties for the two sides to get to know each other. She has attended none of them. The only 'bridal' event she has gone to is one bridal show with me. I'm having a bridesmaid only party and she can't come because "it's the day before her birthday". She also told me she won't come to my bachelorette party if it's in Vegas because she doesn't like Vegas. I got to thinking: may she does not want to be a bridesmaid. Could that be what's going on or am I overthinking it? Has anyone been offered to be a BM and didn't want to be?

You are overthinking it. Not everyone goes crazy gaga over weddings. Remember that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are. Also, don't force meetings between your BPs, they don't need to be besties to be in your wedding. And just because she didn't attend the 2(!) get togethers that you had already, doesn't mean she isn't excited for your wedding.

I also would not want to go to Vegas. It's not my thing either. I'm not a gambler or like to go clubbing. So what is there for me to do there? I also wouldn't want to spend a ton of money on a place that I wouldn't like to go to. I save my money and vacation time for places that I want to go to.

All your BM needs to do is buy the dress and show up on time, sober and ready to smile for pictures on your wedding day. If you go forward with that thinking, then you will be much better off. Besides, she went to a bridal show with you! Those places are crazy and I wouldn't bring my worst enemy to one!

vk2204 · October 2013

I would not attend any 'getting to know you' parties, so I don't blame your friend. Your expectations of what a bridesmaid should be/do are off base. Tone it down with the wedding stuff and be a friend, not a bride.

dramamonkey · October 2013

Here's my situation:

I have four bridesmaids. Three live near me and I've known them all for 15+ years. One (J) is my college roommate who lives 4+ hours away.

When I asked J to be a bridesmaid, she was very excited, and I'm glad she's a part of my wedding. She's also dealing with a recent move back in with her mom and money is tight. She hasn't been able to do anything wedding related, and had to go to David's Bridal by herself to try on dresses, couldn't come to my shower, can't come to my bachelorette party this weekend, and it's OK. I'm a little bummed she won't be here before the wedding.

I was worried, for a while, that she said yes to being a bridesmaid but, ultimately didn't want to be one (because of money, distance, etc.)

I talked to her for about an hour, long before they bought dresses, and said to her "J, I am so happy that you're a bridesmaid for my wedding, but I wanted to make sure that you knew that I understand your current situation, and I don't want you to feel obligated to come down for parties or get my any presents, or anything. I just want you to be a part of my wedding and stand up for me on that day."

My goal was to give her the opportunity to say no (if she wanted to), but still tell her how much she meant to me.

PolarBearFitz · October 2013

Definitely in agreement with the ladies here. I have one bridesmaid that has been going through some pretty heavy personal stuff of her own. I was hesitant to ask her to be a bridesmaid but she is really important to me and she was delighted to be a bridesmaid. She approached shortly after I asked to explain she didn't know how much time she could devote or if she could even buy her dress. I explained to her that I will help with whatever she needs as far as her dress is concerned and all she needs to worry about is being present on our big day. When you have the chaos of planning a wedding sometimes it's easy to lose track of what is really important: Family, friends, and sharing the love you and your fiance have with the world.

As a bride it is important to understand that not everyone is going to stop, drop, and devote time to everything you plan or want. If you need support/help picking up things or stuffing envelopes it's best to ask the MOH to help and find volunteers when you are stressing. MOHs accept a lot more responsibility than your bridesmaids. I hope everything works out for the best!

Xstatic3333 · October 2013

I would just seriously cut back on the "wedding" activities. I actually did host one WP get together, but only because two of my BMs requested it. I'd imagine that's an unusual situation! I just invited everyone and their SO's over for wine, beer, and apps, and wasn't at all surprised that the only ones who came were the ones who already knew each other. Oh well!

For the bachelorette, if you want the greatest amount of people to be able to come, tell your host (ONLY IF ASKED) that you'd prefer something low-key and close to home. IMHO, it's great to have something in a nearby town where those who want to can spend the night, but nobody has to. I would not go to a Vegas bachelorette right now for anyone, not even my best friend. Too expensive, and not my scene. It's ok to accept if someone wants to throw you one, but expect lower turn out.

Most of our WP did nothing before the wedding but get their attire (some with the group, some not) and come to the RD. Just adjust expectations and you'll be fine.

grumbledore · October 2013

scmurphy2010 said:

I have been very close with my friend since high school and we have become even closer since we graduated. After my fiancé proposed, I found out that she was one of my friends that knew it was going to happen and made the long trip to join out vacation just after he proposed. So there was no question that I wanted her be one of my bridesmaids. She graciously accepted. While the big day is still a long ways off, we have had a few parties for the two sides to get to know each other. She has attended none of them. The only 'bridal' event she has gone to is one bridal show with me. I'm having a bridesmaid only party and she can't come because "it's the day before her birthday". She also told me she won't come to my bachelorette party if it's in Vegas because she doesn't like Vegas. I got to thinking: may she does not want to be a bridesmaid. Could that be what's going on or am I overthinking it? Has anyone been offered to be a BM and didn't want to be?

She wants to be a bridesmaid, she already said yes. She doesn't want to go to Vegas. She may not want to go to "bridal" events with you. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Her job as a BM is to stand beside you on your wedding day and smile.

Not wanting to be a bridesmaid

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