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Need to be married to have a "reception"?

sarahtrgsarahtrg member
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
All of my and my fiance's extended family and friends are in Oregon where we currently live. We want to have a "reception" like one would have at a traditional wedding before we move across country to Kentucky. However we won't be officially married until a few months later where we are having a small ceremony with just our parents and witnesses. We've decided to have the ceremony there because our parents can't fly out and it is very important for them to be there. But we don't want to forget the majority of our friends and family still in Oregon. 

Is there anything wrong or presumptuous with having a reception "wedding" party if we aren't officially married yet? 
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Re: Need to be married to have a "reception"?

  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    sarahtrg said:
    All of my and my fiance's extended family and friends are in Oregon where we currently live. We want to have a "reception" like one would have at a traditional wedding before we move across country to Kentucky. However we won't be officially married until a few months later where we are having a small ceremony with just our parents and witnesses. We've decided to have the ceremony there because our parents can't fly out and it is very important for them to be there. But we don't want to forget the majority of our friends and family still in Oregon. 

    Is there anything wrong or presumptuous with having a reception "wedding" party if we aren't officially married yet? 

    I agree, that would be weird. Why dont you just host a party and not try to make it wedding-y? I assume that all the people in OR will be invited to your real wedding?
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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
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    sarahtrg said:
    All of my and my fiance's extended family and friends are in Oregon where we currently live. We want to have a "reception" like one would have at a traditional wedding before we move across country to Kentucky. However we won't be officially married until a few months later where we are having a small ceremony with just our parents and witnesses. We've decided to have the ceremony there because our parents can't fly out and it is very important for them to be there. But we don't want to forget the majority of our friends and family still in Oregon. 

    Is there anything wrong or presumptuous with having a reception "wedding" party if we aren't officially married yet? 
    Yes, it is wrong etiquette-wise and very presumptuous. Throw a goodbye party with no "wedding-y" aspects. It could also be read as a  gift-grab.  If you don't want to forget your friends/ family in Oregon, invite them to the wedding in Kentucky.  Anything else is a PPD and there is a sticky at the top of the pages explaining why they are wrong. 
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  • sarahtrgsarahtrg member
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    The actual wedding ceremony will be only 6 people and held in KY. We just wanted to celebrate our pending nuptials somehow with all our friends and family while we were still in Oregon. We might have to rethink how we do the celebrating if it seems that weird...
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  • sarahtrgsarahtrg member
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    We are just looking for a way to celebrate our wedding with F&F before we move. Having it not be wedding related defeats the purpose but perhaps we will have to rethink how we do the celebrating. Thank you for your ladies' opinion. 
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  • sarahtrgsarahtrg member
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    Thank you for your input. 
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  • Liatris2010Liatris2010 mod
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    If you want to celebrate your marriage with everyone, you should do it the next time you go to visit Oregon. You shouldn't celebrate your marriage before you a married. It is like celebrating a milestone birthday 3 months before the actual birthday, weird right?

    I'd have a going away party, and then a hey we got married and miss you all party the next time you are visiting.
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    Could you fly back to Oregon after your wedding to have a party somewhere there?  Otherwise, just throw a going away party.
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  • SP29SP29 member
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    You could host a "hey we got married" party- but remove the wedding traditions, as it is no longer a wedding reception, but a party for everyone to "meet" the newlyweds AFTER you are married back in Oregon.

    If you want to celebrate with people before you move, then have a going away party. 
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  • southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    I would either having a going away party (unrelated to the wedding) before you head out or have a party when you get back to celebrate your recent wedding. Either way, it's fine to have a party, but if you're not married, I don't think you should throw a reception-like party for yourself prior to getting married.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
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    edited October 2013
    sarahtrg said:
    We are just looking for a way to celebrate our wedding with F&F before we move. Having it not be wedding related defeats the purpose but perhaps we will have to rethink how we do the celebrating. Thank you for your ladies' opinion. 

    If it is so important to celebrate with them, then why arent they invited? Having a pre- wedding party seems gift grabby to me. It says" I want to have another party but I dont want you to attend the real thing.. oh and bring a gift since we are celebrating our wedding"
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  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
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    sarahtrg said:

    We are just looking for a way to celebrate our wedding with F&F before we move. Having it not be wedding related defeats the purpose but perhaps we will have to rethink how we do the celebrating. Thank you for your ladies' opinion. 

    Even if you have a "reception" before, what'll it have? Food, music, dancing, maybe some alcohol. How is that anymore wedding related than any other party?
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    Why don't you just get married before you leave?
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  • GypsyWife_GypsyWife_ member
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    If f &f are important to you why don't you have a wedding in Oregon?
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  • marshmallow1982marshmallow1982 member
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    why not make it an engagement party? Then it will still be wedding-related
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    marshmallow1982 said:
    why not make it an engagement party? Then it will still be wedding-related
    You can't host your own engagement party.  It has to be offered to you by another family member or friend.

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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    marshmallow1982 said:
    why not make it an engagement party? Then it will still be wedding-related
    You can't host your own engagement party.  It has to be offered to you by another family member or friend.
    And etiquette dictates that those invited to an engagement party are invited to the wedding.
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
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    marshmallow1982 said:
    why not make it an engagement party? Then it will still be wedding-related
    Anyone invited to a pre-wedding party (engagement, shower, bachelor(ette)) need to be invited to the wedding.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Yes, that would be weird. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Pepper6Pepper6 member
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    A wedding reception is a thank-you to your guests for attending your wedding ceremony.  Since your ceremony will not have taken place yet, nor will they be invited to it anyways, it's not appropriate to have it be wedding related.

    However, what really takes place at a wedding reception?  Food, drinks, dancing, & hanging out with your nearest and dearest.  You can do this in the form of a going away party and still get the same quality time with these people as you would have with a 'reception'.  They know you are moving, they know you are getting married, so the general feel of it and what you are actually celebrating will still feel essentially the same, but it won't come off negatively if you just change the name of the party.
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  • cideficidefi member
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    If you want to have a wedding reception party with all the trimmings, I say go right ahead. Given the situation (that your moving), I would think that your guest who would come to your wedding and reception anyway would probably understand the pre wedding reception. You want your parents to be at your wedding, but they can't travel. And you don't want to leave your family and friends in Oreagon out either and they might not be able to travel. I don't think its weird, and it may not be proper, but I think weddings are personal and that what's proper might not always apply. Do what's best for your situation. Good luck.
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  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 member
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    Pepper6 said:
    A wedding reception is a thank-you to your guests for attending your wedding ceremony.  Since your ceremony will not have taken place yet, nor will they be invited to it anyways, it's not appropriate to have it be wedding related.

    However, what really takes place at a wedding reception?  Food, drinks, dancing, & hanging out with your nearest and dearest.  You can do this in the form of a going away party and still get the same quality time with these people as you would have with a 'reception'.  They know you are moving, they know you are getting married, so the general feel of it and what you are actually celebrating will still feel essentially the same, but it won't come off negatively if you just change the name of the party.
    The difference is that at a reception OP would be the center of attention, whereas a party is more egalitarian.



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  • marshmallow1982marshmallow1982 member
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    PrettyGirlLost said:
    marshmallow1982 said:
    why not make it an engagement party? Then it will still be wedding-related
    You can't host your own engagement party.  It has to be offered to you by another family member or friend.

    says who? why are people on this board so negative? Any positive suggestion is shot down.

    The OP can do whatever she wants as far as I'm concerned, leaving party/engagement party/wedding party.

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  • aurorajanetteaurorajanette member
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    cidefi said:
    If you want to have a wedding reception party with all the trimmings, I say go right ahead. Given the situation (that your moving), I would think that your guest who would come to your wedding and reception anyway would probably understand the pre wedding reception. You want your parents to be at your wedding, but they can't travel. And you don't want to leave your family and friends in Oreagon out either and they might not be able to travel. I don't think its weird, and it may not be proper, but I think weddings are personal and that what's proper might not always apply. Do what's best for your situation. Good luck.
    No.

    Only do this if you want to lose friends who realize that you just want them to give you gifts and are not important enough to you to attend your actual ceremony.

    Also, to the bolded, she said they weren't invited to the wedding.
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  • aurorajanetteaurorajanette member
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    edited October 2013
    ETA Double Post
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  • Teddy917Teddy917 member
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    marshmallow1982 said:


    PrettyGirlLost said:


    marshmallow1982 said:

    why not make it an engagement party? Then it will still be wedding-related
    You can't host your own engagement party.  It has to be offered to you by another family member or friend.

    says who? why are people on this board so negative? Any positive suggestion is shot down.

    The OP can do whatever she wants as far as I'm concerned, leaving party/engagement party/wedding party.

    Nobody was negative. It's just not polite to throw a party for yourself. It comes across as "Pay attention to me because I'm so special and everyone needs to celebrate me!"
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    marshmallow1982 said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    marshmallow1982 said:
    why not make it an engagement party? Then it will still be wedding-related
    You can't host your own engagement party.  It has to be offered to you by another family member or friend.

    says who? why are people on this board so negative? Any positive suggestion is shot down.

    The OP can do whatever she wants as far as I'm concerned, leaving party/engagement party/wedding party.

    You know this is an etiquette board, right? Because you're giving terrible advice about etiquette.
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