Wedding Party

Confused MOH in a tough spot.

Hello everyone,

I am in desperate need of some advice. I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. Recently she asked me to be her MOH. I am very honored and couldn't be more excited for her. We were recently talking about what she would like to do for her bachelorette party and she has decided on a spa weekend to the beach. I was very excited and got to planning and looking at hotels and spa packages. I spoke to the bride about how many people she thought would be attending the party. (There are 4 bridesmaids, including myself. I have asked for phone numbers numerous times but have yet to get any of the other girl's numbers, so I am having to work through the bride, which has made any planning.. well, tough. I wanted to include that before continuing.) I found out that only one of the other girls will be able to attend due to the fact that the other two are coming in from out of town for the wedding and cannot take off more time to also attend the bachelorette party. All of this has been ok'd by the bride and she insists this is what she wants to do. Here is my dilemma. The bridesmaid, who is also the bride's sister, attending the party will not be able to contribute monetarily. The bride's mother will be joining us as well. It looks to be a weekend of four with only two paying. I understand as the MOH,  that this is usually paid for by the MOH and other BM. The bride's mother said she would help bit, but in all honesty, I cannot afford a spa weekend away for four if I am the only one (pretty much only one) paying. I have offered other ideas, such as perhaps having a spa day here in town or having the bachelorette party well before the wedding so more girls can attend. I have been turned down on everything. I want to give my friend a lovely bachelorette party but I feel, she is expecting too much. I cannot do this on my own. On top of an expensive BM dress, trips out of town to look at wedding accessories, wedding gift, and shower, I cannot back a weekend away for four. I know when I accepted her request to be MOH, it would involve a lot of time and, yes money. I have no problem with any of it except for the bachelorette party. I simply cannot do it, nor do I think its right for me to be expected to pay for almost everything for the entire weekend. I love the bride as a sister and want to make her happy but I do not know what to do. Some of the comments she has said have made me believe that if I can't come through, I shouldn't be in the wedding party. I don't how to proceed. I think if the bride wants an expensive weekend way she shouldn't expect one person to cover so much. I am trying to come up with other ideas that may be more suitable so any idea would be great. Should I offer to do a weekend, just the two of us?  Any advice would be welcome.

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Re: Confused MOH in a tough spot.

  • Beth5246 said:

    Hello everyone,

    I am in desperate need of some advice. I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding. Recently she asked me to be her MOH. I am very honored and couldn't be more excited for her. We were recently talking about what she would like to do for her bachelorette party and she has decided on a spa weekend to the beach. I was very excited and got to planning and looking at hotels and spa packages. I spoke to the bride about how many people she thought would be attending the party. (There are 4 bridesmaids, including myself. I have asked for phone numbers numerous times but have yet to get any of the other girl's numbers, so I am having to work through the bride, which has made any planning.. well, tough. I wanted to include that before continuing.) I found out that only one of the other girls will be able to attend due to the fact that the other two are coming in from out of town for the wedding and cannot take off more time to also attend the bachelorette party. All of this has been ok'd by the bride and she insists this is what she wants to do. Here is my dilemma. The bridesmaid, who is also the bride's sister, attending the party will not be able to contribute monetarily. The bride's mother will be joining us as well. It looks to be a weekend of four with only two paying. I understand as the MOH,  that this is usually paid for by the MOH and other BM. The bride's mother said she would help bit, but in all honesty, I cannot afford a spa weekend away for four if I am the only one (pretty much only one) paying. I have offered other ideas, such as perhaps having a spa day here in town or having the bachelorette party well before the wedding so more girls can attend. I have been turned down on everything. I want to give my friend a lovely bachelorette party but I feel, she is expecting too much. I cannot do this on my own. On top of an expensive BM dress, trips out of town to look at wedding accessories, wedding gift, and shower, I cannot back a weekend away for four. I know when I accepted her request to be MOH, it would involve a lot of time and, yes money. I have no problem with any of it except for the bachelorette party. I simply cannot do it, nor do I think its right for me to be expected to pay for almost everything for the entire weekend. I love the bride as a sister and want to make her happy but I do not know what to do. Some of the comments she has said have made me believe that if I can't come through, I shouldn't be in the wedding party. I don't how to proceed. I think if the bride wants an expensive weekend way she shouldn't expect one person to cover so much. I am trying to come up with other ideas that may be more suitable so any idea would be great. Should I offer to do a weekend, just the two of us?  Any advice would be welcome.

    I think you should proceed by jumping ship.

    Your friend sounds pretty selfish and self-centered, not to mention insensitive. Tell her you CAN NOT afford to do this spa weekend, and WILL NOT do it. Offer the alternatives that you can afford again. If she declines, tell her you're sorry to hear it, but that's all you have to offer. Perhaps someone else will offer. If she has the nerve to tell you that you don't deserve to be maid of honor, I'd really reconsider this friendship.
  • Well, she does not get to dictate her bachelorette. Plan something else that you CAN afford or just don't throw one. It will be her own fault for being selfish and greedy.
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  • Thank you very much. This has helped a lot. I was afraid to seem insensitive as I know she is excited and wants to do something big. But you're right, it's not fair to expect an all out party and put it all on one person. I was concerned on what to do because this bride is not the girl I've known for 20+ years. She's a different girl altogether these days. I'm hoping it was just one of those moments and hopefully I can talk some sense into her. Thank you again!
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  • Your friend has bride brain and is acting like a jerk. Your job as MOH is to get your dress, show up properly dressed on time, smile for pictures, and be pleasant during the day. 

    Plan a party you can afford. If she demands more you simply say it's out of your budget and you'd hope that your best friend of 20+ years wouldn't demand you go broke over her bachelorette party. You do not have to pay for any of this. 
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  • You have every right to say you can't afford something. One of my kids was in one wedding where the B&G were loaded. She planned expensive dress, expensive bachelorette, and expensive hair and makeup. My daughter said she could afford only the dress and the bride relented. Just say no.
  • wow, yes you pay for yourself as does every guest invited. If they want to go, they need to pay for themselves (its nice to pay for the bride but even that is not necessary). tell mom and SIL this is the cost.  if they cannot pay they do not go, or you plan something in everyone's budget and the bride is accepting & appreciative of you throwing her a party.
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    Anniversary
  • Tell her the truth:  You cannot afford to pay for a spa weekend away from home by yourself, and if nobody else is contributing to the costs, then the plans need to change to something you can afford to pay for.  If the bride won't agree to that, well, you'll have seen her true colors and have a decision to make about whether or not you want to stay in the wedding party.  She doesn't sound like a very good friend if she would insist that you pay for something you can't afford without assistance from anyone else.
  • If you can afford to pay for your own expenses, and up to 1/3 of the bride's expenses, then you can proceed as planned.  It is NOT your job to cover expenses for the other people attending the party.  And I'm assuming that since the other BM is the bride's sister, and the bride's mom is also attending, that the bride's mom will be paying for her sister's expenses.  Her sister can't possibly think that you're going to cover her personal expenses.  And neither of them can possibly think you're going to cover 100% of the bride's expenses on your own.  If they think that, they are INSANE.

     

    If you can't afford that, tell the bride that you need to scale it back, or she can just have the spa beach weekend with her mom and sister only because you can't swing it.  She sounds a little crazy, but if she's truly your best friend, she'll understand.

  • I would have a talk with the bride.  Tell her that you cannot afford the spa weekend that she would like to have and you are sorry for that (if you feel sorry, that is!).  Tell her that you have offered her alternatives to what you can afford and she declined them all, so unfortunetly you will not be throwing her a bachelorette of any kind. 

    She doesn't sound like she being a very good friend and I agree with a PP that she has bride brain right now.

  • I would sit the bride down and level with her. I'd say, "Look, I know you want a spa weekend, but with only three people attending/paying, and only one of them -- me -- realistically paying anything at all, that's just not feasible for me financially. I'm happy to go away just you and me if you want, or to schedule something less expensive that I can afford to host entirely. But I can't afford what you want, so you need to scale back your expectations."
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • scribe95 said:
    For bachelorette parties, the people attending pay for their own expenses. And you pay for yours obviously. So the most "extra" you should be picking up is just the bride's expenses. If that bridesmaid can't pay for her own stay then she can't come. It's not a charity event.

    At some point you just need to tell your bride you can't afford to pay for the out of town bachelorette and you would be happy to host something closer to home.
    This.  You aren't on the hook to cover anyone but yourself and the bride.  If a BM can't afford it, she doesn't attend. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • The other BM thinks she's supposed to get a free trip too!?!

    I was always under the impression if you can't afford to go to the bachelorette then you don't get to go (wedding party or just guest)! We had issues with my SIL unhappy with the price that the guests had to pay. I wish my BMs had just told her that if she can't afford it, its ok not to come. Vs having her throw a fit and be a b*tch to everyone all weekend....
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    Anniversary
  • Two issues here:

    1) If the sister wants to attend, she pays her own way. Period. You are NOT required to pay for her spa trips, hotel, etc. 

    Say this to her: "hi (bride's sister) - unfortunately, I cannot afford to cover your expenses for (bride's) bach party. I wish I could, but I just can't. If you want to share a hotel room with us, it'll be ($$) which I'll need before I can book the room. For meals, drinks, any services you get done at the spa (or none if you don't want anything done), etc. you'll need to pay for your own. If you want me to book services for you at the spa, I can, but they'll be under your name so you'll have to pay for them."

    2) The bride's expectations. Not just on the bach party, but going out of town to look for wedding accessories? WTF? Sit down in your damn living room and log onto the Interwebz...for free! Anyway, you're not responsible to pay anyone's way but your own for this bach party. Your "responsibilities" end at buying the dress and showing up to the wedding.

    I would say to her: "As I've gotten further into the planning of your bach party, I realized I can afford to pay for you and me, but I can't afford to pay for anyone else. I wish I could, but I simply can't. If you want your sister/mom to be involved, you may need to re-think this plan so that they can afford to attend. (*insert other options*) If you still want to do the beach/spa thing, that's fine, but your sister/mom may decline to attend due to finances. How do you want to proceed?"
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  • Beth5246 said:
    Thank you very much. This has helped a lot. I was afraid to seem insensitive as I know she is excited and wants to do something big. But you're right, it's not fair to expect an all out party and put it all on one person. I was concerned on what to do because this bride is not the girl I've known for 20+ years. She's a different girl altogether these days. I'm hoping it was just one of those moments and hopefully I can talk some sense into her. Thank you again!
    That part makes me sad for you. I do not understand why people change when it comes to weddings. It is crazy!! 
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