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Dreading having my mother at my wedding.

MsNise812MsNise812 member
5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
edited November 2013 in Moms and Maids

Hello all!

I wanted to get some feedback regarding a concern that I have. I am in the process of planning my wedding for September 2014 and know planning wedding can bring out a lot of emotions and, of course, drama. Long story short, I am not close with my mother at all. I have a more mother-daughter relationship with my future mother-in-law than I do with my own mother. There is a lot off issues with myself and my mother, but I have always tried to be the bigger person. She hasn't been the most supportive person when it comes to the wedding and she has continuously made snarky remarks such as "I should've gone to city hall" (which that is not a negative, however not the way I want to get married). She has made me feel guilty for wanting a wedding and I've struggled with finding the joy in some of the planning. On top of her negativity, my future in-laws are paying for the bulk of the wedding while she is only paying for one vendor. I feel that these issues are going to cause more problems down the line and I just want my day to be full of happiness and celebration. Any advice on how I can handle an unsupportive mother? More so, how I can handle myself knowing how she is going to be the day of the wedding. Thanks!

 

***Also, regarding the issues with my mother, I initally wanted my 14 year old sister to be a part of the wedding. However, my mother is already complaining about the finances and time frame (and I will not be able to provide the funds for her dress). I am beginning to feel that I may not have my sister in my wedding because of my mother and it is really bothering me. I feel horrible because my sister wants to be in the wedding but I don't think she will be able to. Any thoughts on how to handle this matter? Thanks.

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Re: Dreading having my mother at my wedding.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Minimize any wedding talk with her at all, and tell her that "city hall" is a closed subject and the plans are made.  Also you might tell her that you want to be happy on your wedding day, and negative judgments from her will get her escorted out.  Have a designated person on hand to keep her away from you if she's in a bad mood (by distracting her-if she's stalking toward you with a snarl on her face, this person could step in and say something appropriate to keep her away from you) and to escort her out if she needs it.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I would do the following:

    1) express gratitude that she's paying for a portion of your wedding. 
    2) regarding the wedding, only talk to her about the vendor for which she is paying and only when absolutely necessary. Otherwise, don't talk wedding with her at all. It's obvious she's not into it and doesn't agree with your decisions.
    3) continue to be cordial and pleasant. 
    4) Ignore her negative comments.

    There's nothing else you really can do.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
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    MsNise812MsNise812 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    Thanks for your responses! I know I have to separate myself from her negativity and know what to expect, however, it will be very difficult. You guys are right about not talking to her about the wedding as it will only upset me.  Thank you!
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    dramamonkeydramamonkey member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    If you can afford to do so, why not just pay for your little sister's dress/shoes/etc. 

    Then, the only thing she HAS to do is show up day of the wedding in the dress. No timeframe involved. If someone throws you a shower, I would include her on the list, but not be surprised if she doesn't participate (unless you bring her with you). 
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MsNise812 said:

    Hello all!

    I wanted to get some feedback regarding a concern that I have. I am in the process of planning my wedding for September 2014 and know planning wedding can bring out a lot of emotions and, of course, drama. Long story short, I am not close with my mother at all. I have a more mother-daughter relationship with my future mother-in-law than I do with my own mother. There is a lot off issues with myself and my mother, but I have always tried to be the bigger person. She hasn't been the most supportive person when it comes to the wedding and she has continuously made snarky remarks such as "I should've gone to city hall" (which that is not a negative, however not the way I want to get married). She has made me feel guilty for wanting a wedding and I've struggled with finding the joy in some of the planning. On top of her negativity, my future in-laws are paying for the bulk of the wedding while she is only paying for one vendor. I feel that these issues are going to cause more problems down the line and I just want my day to be full of happiness and celebration. Any advice on how I can handle an unsupportive mother? More so, how I can handle myself knowing how she is going to be the day of the wedding. Thanks!

     

    ***Also, regarding the issues with my mother, I initally wanted my 14 year old sister to be a part of the wedding. However, my mother is already complaining about the finances and time frame (and I will not be able to provide the funds for her dress). I am beginning to feel that I may not have my sister in my wedding because of my mother and it is really bothering me. I feel horrible because my sister wants to be in the wedding but I don't think she will be able to. Any thoughts on how to handle this matter? Thanks.


    MsNise812 said:
    Thanks for your responses! I know I have to separate myself from her negativity and know what to expect, however, it will be very difficult. You guys are right about not talking to her about the wedding as it will only upset me.  Thank you!


    Your mother is paying for a vendor.  You cannot not invite her to the wedding!  If you have such a terrible relationship with your mother, you should not have accepted her funds for that one vendor.  Limit your wedding talk with your mom to that one vendor.  Or give her the money she paid for this vendor and pay for them yourself.  Then you won't have to talk with your mother at all about the wedding.

    If you do not invite your mother to the wedding, it will alter what is left of your relationship forever.  So if you want to write your mom off completely, don't invite her to the wedding.

    And if you want your sister in the wedding, either tell her she can wear any dress she already owns or buy it for her.  You can find some very reasonable BM dresses on Target's website or buy something at a department store.  A BM dress doesn't need to come from a bridal store.

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    MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your mother isn't obligated to pay for any part of your wedding, neither are your ILs. As for your sister, you should find a way to pay for her dress. You could cut back on something that YOU are paying for - maybe flowers, favors or invitations. Or check out her closet to see if she owns something that you can work with. I agree with the others that you should limit the wedding talk with your mom to the item that she is paying for.


                       
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    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    I think you should not have you mother pay for anything and I think you should pick a BM dress that you can afford for your sister. I think it's really shitty to not find it in your budget. Skip a new pair of shoes for yourself since no one will see them, buy your bouquet at the grocery store, do something so she can wear the dress or pick something that she already has. 
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    Lauderdale PinkLauderdale Pink member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Every girl dreams of having a supportive mother by her side on her big day.  If that person is not your bio. mom, then continue to build that relationship with your fmil.  If your mom won't "stuff it" for this one period in your life, then you have to figure she won't be the person you want her to be going forward (grandchildren, new home, etc.).  Surround yourself with those who love you and count yourself lucky for those people.
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    zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    MsNise812 said:

    Hello all!

    I wanted to get some feedback regarding a concern that I have. I am in the process of planning my wedding for September 2014 and know planning wedding can bring out a lot of emotions and, of course, drama. Long story short, I am not close with my mother at all. I have a more mother-daughter relationship with my future mother-in-law than I do with my own mother. There is a lot off issues with myself and my mother, but I have always tried to be the bigger person. She hasn't been the most supportive person when it comes to the wedding and she has continuously made snarky remarks such as "I should've gone to city hall" (which that is not a negative, however not the way I want to get married). She has made me feel guilty for wanting a wedding and I've struggled with finding the joy in some of the planning. On top of her negativity, my future in-laws are paying for the bulk of the wedding while she is only paying for one vendor. I feel that these issues are going to cause more problems down the line and I just want my day to be full of happiness and celebration. Any advice on how I can handle an unsupportive mother? More so, how I can handle myself knowing how she is going to be the day of the wedding. Thanks!

     

    ***Also, regarding the issues with my mother, I initally wanted my 14 year old sister to be a part of the wedding. However, my mother is already complaining about the finances and time frame (and I will not be able to provide the funds for her dress). I am beginning to feel that I may not have my sister in my wedding because of my mother and it is really bothering me. I feel horrible because my sister wants to be in the wedding but I don't think she will be able to. Any thoughts on how to handle this matter? Thanks.


    How much of your wedding do you think she should be paying for?
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    MsNise812MsNise812 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary

    At this point I don't think she should pay for anything. I didn't tell her she needed to pay for anything. The issue is she previously offered to help after realizing my inlaws are paying for majority of the wedding and was ashamed. I gladly accepted being that I thought she may be coming around. She has since then switched her stance on paying for things after giving me the deposit for a vendor.

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    MsNise812MsNise812 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited November 2013

     

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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MsNise812 said:

    At this point I don't think she should pay for anything. I didn't tell her she needed to pay for anything. The issue is she previously offered to help after realizing my inlaws are paying for majority of the wedding and was ashamed. I gladly accepted being that I thought she may be coming around. She has since then switched her stance on paying for things after giving me the deposit for a vendor.


    Then return the money she paid for the deposit.  She can't have a say or control of anything related to your wedding then.  You know your mother best and it sounds like you need to keep her out of your wedding.  It's perfectly fine to tell her that she isn't needed for any getting ready moments and to just arrive at x time to take some pictures or arrive at the ceremony.
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