Guests bringing Gifts

Cgelske · November 2013

It's pretty much expected that wedding guests bring a gift, right? Or at least a card? Out of the 50 or so people who came to our wedding we got 20 or so cards and gifts. Maybe I'm crazy but I just thought it was proper etiquette to bring something.... I don't even mind the people who traveled out of town or the people who helped with the wedding not leaving something, I'm just a little baffled by the rest.

WonderRed · November 2013

No. No one is ever expected to give you anything.

NYCBruin · November 2013

No, gifts are not required. There is no entry fee (present expectation) when you invite someone to a wedding (or any event). People took time/spent money to attend your event, it's unfair of you to expect that they buy you things on top of that.

misssunshine17 · November 2013

You shouldn't have expected anything. Please re-read your post and think about how ungrateful and petty you sound.

TeddiD34 · November 2013

Cgelske said:

It's pretty much expected that wedding guests bring a gift, right? Or at least a card? Out of the 50 or so people who came to our wedding we got 20 or so cards and gifts. Maybe I'm crazy but I just thought it was proper etiquette to bring something.... I don't even mind the people who traveled out of town or the people who helped with the wedding not leaving something, I'm just a little baffled by the rest.

cowgirl8238 · November 2013

While we always tell brides not to ecxpect gifts we do often advise people to not show up empty handed! I know what you mean by your OP but it does come off rather rude and self entitled. I am hoping that is not what you meant!

To answer your question that fact that your guests attended your wedding is gift enough. If anyone brought you extra it meant they went above and beyond. Also did you have a bridal shower? I know many people who will give a gift there and not to the wedding because they already gave you a gift for your wedding (as in the shower and the wedding are all one event in your life and is therefore only one gift!)

It is considered rude to expect gifts at your wedding and although we advise people not to show up empty handed it is in no way required for them to bring a gift!

Edited because I am a typing fail today

orwhatuwill · November 2013

Were many of your guests partnered or with +1's? If so, 20 cards with 50 people in attendance could mean 20 couples, thus 40 people.

itzMS · November 2013

About 10-15% of our guests gave nothing. I only know this as I was pretty meticulous about not missing a Thank You note.

A lot of us were raised that attendingwedding=gift. It's certainly nice to abide by, but not everyone does.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

Cgelske said:

It's pretty much expected that wedding guests bring a gift, right? Or at least a card? Out of the 50 or so people who came to our wedding we got 20 or so cards and gifts. Maybe I'm crazy but I just thought it was proper etiquette to bring something.... I don't even mind the people who traveled out of town or the people who helped with the wedding not leaving something, I'm just a little baffled by the rest.

Please see my discussion about Gift Expectations....

climbingsingle · November 2013

Oy vey. Here we go again.

No one is required to give you a gift. You sound pretty greedy and entitled. You don't even mind that people that traveled from out of town and the people that helped you with the wedding didn't give you a gift? Are you freaking kidding me?!!? These people that helped you with the wedding - what did they do for you?

[Deleted User] · November 2013

I agree with the posters who say that you should never expect gifts.

However, I don't even show up to someone's house on a movie night without a bottle of wine or a dish to pass. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not even bringing a card for the bride and groom.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

orwhatuwill · November 2013

I have to say that I don't feel that people are "spoiled brats" for not yet having had the opportunity to be educated about the etiquette surrounding gift giving not being a requirement of wedding attendance. I think it would be reasonable to consider someone acting as that, a spoiled brat, if they know this and still expect it.

kmj500 · November 2013

I agree that for a lot of us, we grew up being taught that it's nice to bring a gift or at the very least a card when you attend a party. However, we're not all brought up the same way.

I don't think a lot of these people asking are necessarily greedy, it's just when you're so used to doing something (like taking a gift to a wedding), it's hard to understand why others wouldn't at least bring a card.

ktjanesmom · November 2013

I cannot fathom going to a wedding and not taking a gift. I think most brides reasonably expect gifts. Expect in that they believe people will bring gifts. It surprises me that so many did not bring a gift to your wedding.

phira · November 2013

To answer your question, no, it is not pretty much expected that every guest will give a gift or a card.

While I do think it's nice if you bring something to a party, a wedding reception is meant to thank your guests for coming to witness your marriage. Just as favors or thank you notes just for coming are not required (since you are thanking your guests for coming by hosting the reception), gifts are also not required.

Yes, it's nice, when you're a guest, to give a card or a gift. But it's not poor etiquette not to.

Pepper6 · November 2013

orwhatuwill said:

I have to say that I don't feel that people are "spoiled brats" for not yet having had the opportunity to be educated about the etiquette surrounding gift giving not being a requirement of wedding attendance. I think it would be reasonable to consider someone acting as that, a spoiled brat, if they know this and still expect it.

It really has nothing to do with knowing etiquette or not. I cannot fathom how any ADULT could be upset that someone didn't buy them a gift. If you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to have the common sense that no one is required to spend their money on you for any reason, and assuming otherwise is pretty much the definition of "spoiled brat".

NYCBruin · November 2013

Pepper6 said:

orwhatuwill said:

I have to say that I don't feel that people are "spoiled brats" for not yet having had the opportunity to be educated about the etiquette surrounding gift giving not being a requirement of wedding attendance. I think it would be reasonable to consider someone acting as that, a spoiled brat, if they know this and still expect it.

It really has nothing to do with knowing etiquette or not. I cannot fathom how any ADULT could be upset that someone didn't buy them a gift. If you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to have the common sense that no one is required to spend their money on you for any reason, and assuming otherwise is pretty much the definition of "spoiled brat".

Although I want to agree with you I think some people have this thought are just ignorant. Not ignorant of etiquette (well, that too, obviously), but ignorant to the fact that not everyone thinks the same way they do. I think some brides are surprised when they don't get a present/card from every person who attended their wedding because the idea of showing up to a wedding without a present is just something that literally never occurred to them. Since they wouldn't do it, it surprises them that other people would. So I don't think it's automatically a "spoiled brat" thing, but it's definitely a self-centered thing (assuming that everyone is just like you).

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

NYCBruin said:

Pepper6 said:

orwhatuwill said:

I have to say that I don't feel that people are "spoiled brats" for not yet having had the opportunity to be educated about the etiquette surrounding gift giving not being a requirement of wedding attendance. I think it would be reasonable to consider someone acting as that, a spoiled brat, if they know this and still expect it.

It really has nothing to do with knowing etiquette or not. I cannot fathom how any ADULT could be upset that someone didn't buy them a gift. If you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to have the common sense that no one is required to spend their money on you for any reason, and assuming otherwise is pretty much the definition of "spoiled brat".

Although I want to agree with you I think some people have this thought are just ignorant. Not ignorant of etiquette (well, that too, obviously), but ignorant to the fact that not everyone thinks the same way they do. I think some brides are surprised when they don't get a present/card from every person who attended their wedding because the idea of showing up to a wedding without a present is just something that literally never occurred to them. Since they wouldn't do it, it surprises them that other people would. So I don't think it's automatically a "spoiled brat" thing, but it's definitely a self-centered thing (assuming that everyone is just like you).

I can agree with that.

Pepper6 · November 2013

aefitz29 said:

NYCBruin said:

Pepper6 said:

orwhatuwill said:

I have to say that I don't feel that people are "spoiled brats" for not yet having had the opportunity to be educated about the etiquette surrounding gift giving not being a requirement of wedding attendance. I think it would be reasonable to consider someone acting as that, a spoiled brat, if they know this and still expect it.

It really has nothing to do with knowing etiquette or not. I cannot fathom how any ADULT could be upset that someone didn't buy them a gift. If you are old enough to get married, you should be old enough to have the common sense that no one is required to spend their money on you for any reason, and assuming otherwise is pretty much the definition of "spoiled brat".

Although I want to agree with you I think some people have this thought are just ignorant. Not ignorant of etiquette (well, that too, obviously), but ignorant to the fact that not everyone thinks the same way they do. I think some brides are surprised when they don't get a present/card from every person who attended their wedding because the idea of showing up to a wedding without a present is just something that literally never occurred to them. Since they wouldn't do it, it surprises them that other people would. So I don't think it's automatically a "spoiled brat" thing, but it's definitely a self-centered thing (assuming that everyone is just like you).

I can agree with that.

When it's put that way, then yeah, I can agree. Only if they are just surprised by it, not upset by it. From the OP, it sounds like she's just surprised, so that's not too bad, but I've seen way too many people on here that get pissed that people didn't buy them something that sometimes I automatically jump to that conclusion.

indianaalum · November 2013

kmj500 said:

I agree that for a lot of us, we grew up being taught that it's nice to bring a gift or at the very least a card when you attend a party. However, we're not all brought up the same way.
I don't think a lot of these people asking are necessarily greedy, it's just when you're so used to doing something (like taking a gift to a wedding), it's hard to understand why others wouldn't at least bring a card.

I agree. Many people were raised it's rude to not bring a gift to a wedding, so it can be puzzling when you have given gifts for years to people because you were raised it was the right thing to do, only to find out not everyone does that.

Put it this way:

If you are in family that preaches "NEVER go empty handed to a wedding as that would be rude". Of course, you would feel hurt when people show up to your wedding empty handed because in your upbringing you were taught that was rude behavior

Cgelske · November 2013

Thanks, guys, for all the helpful information! You explored all the moral facets of my question. I meant to ask if gift giving was the norm, not if it was "expected". I'm not going to mercilessly hang non-gifters, obviously. :P

Jen4948 · November 2013

Cgelske said:

It's pretty much expected that wedding guests bring a gift, right? Or at least a card? Out of the 50 or so people who came to our wedding we got 20 or so cards and gifts. Maybe I'm crazy but I just thought it was proper etiquette to bring something.... I don't even mind the people who traveled out of town or the people who helped with the wedding not leaving something, I'm just a little baffled by the rest.

Are you talking about actually bringing the gift to the wedding as opposed to sending it to the bride and/or groom before or after the wedding, or just giving a gift at all?

If it's just giving a gift, etiquette has the odd rule that the couple is not entitled to "expect" gifts from their guests, especially by way of "covering their plates" or as an entrance fee, guests are "expected" to give a gift if they plan to attend-or at least it's bad manners if they don't. But if they don't, the couple is expected to look the other way and do nothing.

But if you're talking about sending the gift before or after the wedding as opposed to bringing it to the wedding, the traditional etiquette rule is that you send the gift before or after rather than bringing it. This is mostly for logistical reasons, as someone has to figure out how the couple takes it home or on their honeymoon afterward, but there is also not wanting guests who did not bring gifts with them to feel bad and the need to have a secure place to store the gifts during the ceremony and reception, because in the Western Hemisphere, at least, gifts are not generally opened at weddings themselves.

Cgelske · November 2013

It was focused towards the people who attended the wedding.

Thank you.

Blue_Bird · November 2013

Jen4948. I never bring a gift to a wedding. I do not want to have the couple figure out how to get it home, and I don't want to risk it being lost or stolen. Sometimes, the simplest thing can happen like a card detaching from a gift. Not worth the hassle.

I always send a gift before the wedding, give it at a shower, or sometimes after. So, before you "mercilessly hang" your guests, OP, consider that their checks may actually be in the mail. : P

cnhanson3 · November 2013

I agree with the idea that people can be surprised by the fact that others don't bring gifts to the wedding because I would personally never show up to any wedding without something for the bride and groom either in my hand or sent ahead of time. I don't EXPECT my guests to give gifts, but I can understand where her concern stems from.

PolarBearFitz · November 2013

Eh...not expecting it and will not be surprised in the least if someone does not bring something. I just do not feel it should be a concern after your wedding is over. My concern (after our big day) is hanging with my husband and waltzing around on cloud nine until we have to get back to the real world.

It is of course good demonstrated etiquette to bring a gift to an event such as this but considering how little people may have right now I cannot honestly expect it. I cannot be concerned that someone just did not gift me something. This is just me however...

I pretty much consider my guests' presence on our day as their 'gift.' Their time and effort to make it to share my day is all I am asking for or expecting. Sparing 'time' is a huge gift to me but only because time is really precious in my eyes. They are picking to spend time sharing in our joy instead of doing the hundred other things they could be on a Saturday. If anyone gifts anything extra then that will just be an unexpected plus for us.

Probably over-romanticizing that but it's just my opinion and not etiquette driven in this case.

cnhanson3 said:

I agree with the idea that people can be surprised by the fact that others don't bring gifts to the wedding because I would personally never show up to any wedding without something for the bride and groom either in my hand or sent ahead of time. I don't EXPECT my guests to give gifts, but I can understand where her concern stems from.

Cgelske · November 2013

"I'm not going to mercilessly hang non-gifters, obviously. :P"

direct quote.

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