Guest lists and MILs

Re: Guest lists and MILs

• HisGirlFriday13 member

  

  November 2013

  Last2Bwed said:

  I have a huge extended family which has made our guest list tight and my MIL is insisting on adding her friends with their adult children who neither of us (my fiancé and I) know. I realize that with this being her first family wedding, she wants eeeeeeeveryone to come, but how to I break it to her that we'd rather have our friends take those spots than her friends? Is that rude/selfish? His parents are paying for alcohol, so they should have some say, I know. She's wanting to add 32 people that we don't know...it's kind of a big number and it bumps our growing list to 238 people. My mom has married 3 daughters, so she's gotten it all out of her system and has been deferring to me on which of her friends to invite. I don't want to hurt my MIL's feelings, but 32 people is a bit ridiculous! When my fiancé addressed it initially, she responded, "They'll get you guys nice gifts." Seriously?! It's quite frustrating.

  To the first bold, yes, they get some say -- but only in what their money is going for. In this case, that's alcohol, so they can pick top-shelf liquor if they want. That doesn't mean they get to add 32 people to your list.

  
  

  What you and your FI need to do is sit down and go over the guest list, carefully. Mark each person as 'must invite' or a 'would like to invite.' Then go BACK over the list and mark people as 'Bride' 'Groom' 'B family' or 'G family.'

  
  

  Figure out where your guests are coming from. Then your FI needs to say to his mother, "Mom, I know you want to invite everyone you've ever known, but that's just not going to be possible. You may invite X number of guests, and we will need their names and addresses by X date."

  
  

  At that point, he should tell her which family members he's already going to invite -- people he would have invited without her nagging him to do so.

  
  

  If, after that, she STILL wants to invite more people (and your venue can accommodate your total number at 100% acceptance, including the SOs some of your friends will undoubtedly acquire between now and your wedding), you're free to say to her, "Additional guests are going to cost $X per person" -- and make sure that number includes the cost of food, alcohol, favours, centrepieces, linens, etc. -- and then give her the option of paying for those additional guests if she wants to.

  
  

  As to the second bold, that's effing ridiculous, and she's being gift-grabby. 

  

  
  

  
  

  I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'

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• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  November 2013

  If the money they're giving you for booze isn't going to cover the cost of adding 32 additional guests, they don't get invited. It's not a matter of "some say", it's a matter of whether or not you can afford it and if your venue has the space. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. If the venue doesn't have the space, you can't up capacity. Keep in mind it's not just the food you're paying for when it comes to extra guests, it's the tables, chairs, linens, centerpieces, rentals, favors, stationary, # of servers, etc. Figure out the cost per guest and whether or not you want to extend this courtesy or a limited version of it.

  
  

  I would approach it like this: have your FI talk to her - it's his mom. If you can afford a few of the extras and want to host them, say, "Mom, we can only afford to give you ___ extra slots. Fill them however you want, but that's all we can afford." Period. End of discussion.  If you can't/don't want to afford extra people at all, say, "I'm really sorry, but we simply can't afford to host these extra guests." In either of these scenarios, be prepared for her to offer to pay for the additional people. Decide in advance if you're ok with that. If you don't have the space say, "I'm really sorry, but we're at capacity with our venue and cannot accommodate additional guests." 

  
  

  I get that she's paying for the bar, but that doesn't begin to cover the bulk of the costs of hosting additional people. 

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• photokitty mod

  

  November 2013 edited November 2013

  I'm not saying you should give her all 32, but i know for my wedding the alcohol cost per person was more than the meal price. So I would try and find a happy medium as over half my venue costs were alcohol and the service charges that came along with it. It might not be a large portion or greta expense though - it was for us.

  
  

  If one of our parents had covered that portion (we paid for our own wedding) I'd have invited anyone they wanted ;-)

  
  

  ~xoxo~

  
  

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• kitty8403 member

  

  November 2013

  Yeah, mine said, "But you'll get more presents!"  when I mentioned list cuts. I think she just got a bit carried away for a minute! They mean well enough. 
  
  I think maybe just remember that weddings are exciting for more people than just you and your FI. Just go over your budget, figure out your must-have people, and see how that number stacks up compared to the number of people you can afford to host well. If there is room for any extra guests, then maybe consider telling the parents, OK, we can fit X number of your friends, who do you REALLY want there?

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• Jen4948 member

  

  November 2013

  Well, first of all, your FI needs to be the one to speak to her.
  
  Second, decide between the two of you how many guests she can invite.  Then he has to tell her, "Mom, Last2BeWed and I have determined, based on space and budget considerations, that you can invite up to X number of people of your choice.  All other invitations for the wedding have been delegated, so X is the outer limit and no larger number can be invited.  The number of gifts we might receive is not a factor in this discussion."
  

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• kmj500 member

  

  November 2013

  My FMIL did this when we first got engaged. Since we're paying for our wedding, we sat down and came up with a budget that we could afford. We then told the parents on both sides, if they would like to contribute, they are welcome to but it's not necessary (anything contributed wouldn't add on to our budget, it would just mean we would pay less).

  We planned for 150. FMIL sent us a list of 50 people that HAD to be invited. FI told her NO repeatedly because she just wasn't getting it. They haven't contributed anything to our wedding and said that they'd see what they could contribute in May, the month of the wedding. I'm not mad about this but she's acting like she gets say in a lot of things that are being planned right now which neither FI or I agree with. Their financial contribution is a huge maybe and we don't count on getting any money from them at all, so we aren't giving them a say in anything. My parents on the otherhand have offered to pay for things (like the reception, flowers, etc.) that won't be paid for until May, so that's different because they've picked specifics, instead of just saying "maybe we'll help out".

  We determined the price per head (including everything from centrepieces to cake to the invitations) and gave FMIL that number if she wants all these people to come. She was unwilling to pay so she knows those people won't be invited and isn't happy but who cares?

   

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• blabla89 member

  

  November 2013

  
  

  Jen4948 said:

  Well, first of all, your FI needs to be the one to speak to her.
  
  Second, decide between the two of you how many guests she can invite.  Then he has to tell her, "Mom, Last2BeWed and I have determined, based on space and budget considerations, that you can invite up to X number of people of your choice.  All other invitations for the wedding have been delegated, so X is the outer limit and no larger number can be invited.  The number of gifts we might receive is not a factor in this discussion."
  

  This plus what @hisgirlfriday13 said. You can give her the option to pay to invite more people...but make it clear that she's expected to pay.
  

  

  
  
  

  
  

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