Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Etiquette Forum
Wedding Etiquette Forum
New Discussion
Options

Self-Invitee Situation

PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
edited November 2013 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
An acquaintance who happens to be good friends with one of my bridesmaids invited herself to our wedding the other day. It went a little something like this...

On what started out to be a fun evening my MOH, one of my BMs, Sally Somebody (self-invitee) and I were chit chatting. We happen to be as far away in conversation from the wedding plans as possible when out of the depths of no wheres-ville Sally Somebody says, 'I am invited to your wedding RIGHT?!' My initial thought was, 'whoa there Sally settle down your free booze and party pants that's really rude' but I responded with a polite, 'we are trying to keep our event small and mostly family.'

Then with a skip and heartbeat I changed the subject and tried to bean dip my way away from the awkward that was settling in. Instead of letting the rudeness die (as she should) she responded with 'well then I'll just be someone's +1 then because I am going.' Then my lovely BM states that Sally can be her +1. I am really not close with this person as I barely know her. She is definitely not a SO so I don't think those rules apply here. How would you handle a situation like that?

My MOH came up to me later stating how awkward and impolite it was for Sally to invite herself. She recommended I speak to the BM about the situation/discomfort and so I did. I am just curious if that was the best way to go.  Let me know your opinions...
Report Reply to Post

Re: Self-Invitee Situation

  • Options
    speedyblazer11speedyblazer11 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Your 9mnths out so maybe crazy Sally will just find a new friend in this time? I personally would just invite said bridesmaid without a plus one if she is truely single. That way she even if she RSVP'ed with crazy Sally you could chalk it up to space/whatever. 

    This will only work if you haven't a) already talk to this BM about having extra space or b) if you don't give other single guest a +1.  I don't know if this is etiquette perfect but it seems like the only way that crazy Sally doesn't get invited and your too nice BM gets off the hook bringing her.

    Good luck!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    If you decide to give your WP plus ones (outside SOs of course), you can't dictate who they bring. 

    However, this kind of sounds like one of those off the cuff conversations where a relatively immature person (Sally Somebody) awkwardly tries to connect by pretending to be closer to you than she actually is. Since your wedding is 9 months out, I'd just let this one die.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    southernbelle0915 said:
    If you decide to give your WP plus ones (outside SOs of course), you can't dictate who they bring. 

    However, this kind of sounds like one of those off the cuff conversations where a relatively immature person (Sally Somebody) awkwardly tries to connect by pretending to be closer to you than she actually is. Since your wedding is 9 months out, I'd just let this one die.
    You're so right with the bolded.  I will definitely try to let it fade off. Thanks ladies!

    Report Reply
  • Options
    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    aefitz29 said:
    An acquaintance who happens to be good friends with one of my bridesmaids invited herself to our wedding the other day. It went a little something like this...

    On what started out to be a fun evening my MOH, one of my BMs, Sally Somebody (self-invitee) and I were chit chatting. We happen to be as far away in conversation from the wedding plans as possible when out of the depths of no wheres-ville Sally Somebody says, 'I am invited to your wedding RIGHT?!' My initial thought was, 'whoa there Sally settle down your free booze and party pants that's really rude' but I responded with a polite, 'we are trying to keep our event small and mostly family.'

    Then with a skip and heartbeat I changed the subject and tried to bean dip my way away from the awkward that was settling in. Instead of letting the rudeness die (as she should) she responded with 'well then I'll just be someone's +1 then because I am going.' Then my lovely BM states that Sally can be her +1. I am really not close with this person as I barely know her. She is definitely not a SO so I don't think those rules apply here. How would you handle a situation like that?

    My MOH came up to me later stating how awkward and impolite it was for Sally to invite herself. She recommended I speak to the BM about the situation/discomfort and so I did. I am just curious if that was the best way to go.  Let me know your opinions...
    Ditto PP.  Maybe your BM will have a boyfriend by that time.  Then you would just invite your BM and her BF, by name, on the invitation.  Then Sally Somebody can sit home alone that night.  It was rude of her to invite herself.  But if you give your BM a plus one because she's truly single, she can bring anyone she wants.  If it happens to be Sally Somebody, so be it.  The first wedding I was in, I was given a plus one and invited a mutual friend of mine and the brides.  She just wasn't close enough to the bride to get an invite on her own.  And even if this Sally Somebody is the invite choice of your BM, you will hardly see her and when you do, just thank her for coming.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    It sucks, but it's the reality that you don't always want everyone who attends your wedding to be there. Good for your for letting it go.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OliveOilsMom said:
    aefitz29 said:
    An acquaintance who happens to be good friends with one of my bridesmaids invited herself to our wedding the other day. It went a little something like this...

    On what started out to be a fun evening my MOH, one of my BMs, Sally Somebody (self-invitee) and I were chit chatting. We happen to be as far away in conversation from the wedding plans as possible when out of the depths of no wheres-ville Sally Somebody says, 'I am invited to your wedding RIGHT?!' My initial thought was, 'whoa there Sally settle down your free booze and party pants that's really rude' but I responded with a polite, 'we are trying to keep our event small and mostly family.'

    Then with a skip and heartbeat I changed the subject and tried to bean dip my way away from the awkward that was settling in. Instead of letting the rudeness die (as she should) she responded with 'well then I'll just be someone's +1 then because I am going.' Then my lovely BM states that Sally can be her +1. I am really not close with this person as I barely know her. She is definitely not a SO so I don't think those rules apply here. How would you handle a situation like that?

    My MOH came up to me later stating how awkward and impolite it was for Sally to invite herself. She recommended I speak to the BM about the situation/discomfort and so I did. I am just curious if that was the best way to go.  Let me know your opinions...
    Ditto PP.  Maybe your BM will have a boyfriend by that time.  Then you would just invite your BM and her BF, by name, on the invitation.  Then Sally Somebody can sit home alone that night.  It was rude of her to invite herself.  But if you give your BM a plus one because she's truly single, she can bring anyone she wants.  If it happens to be Sally Somebody, so be it.  The first wedding I was in, I was given a plus one and invited a mutual friend of mine and the brides.  She just wasn't close enough to the bride to get an invite on her own.  And even if this Sally Somebody is the invite choice of your BM, you will hardly see her and when you do, just thank her for coming.
    Great advice! Thank you!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    @misssunshine17 thank you!
    Report Reply
  • Options
    blabla89blabla89 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Inviting herself was definitely rude, but I get the impression that Sally Somebody isn't all that bad...just not close to you and maybe a little awkward, right? Is she capable of conducting herself properly at your wedding? Were you planning to give the BMs a +1 anyway? If so, then I don't see why it's a big deal to let her come as a +1. It's no different than if your BM brought a date you didn't know well.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



    Report Reply
  • Options
    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    lalalaurita said:
    Inviting herself was definitely rude, but I get the impression that Sally Somebody isn't all that bad...just not close to you and maybe a little awkward, right? Is she capable of conducting herself properly at your wedding? Were you planning to give the BMs a +1 anyway? If so, then I don't see why it's a big deal to let her come as a +1. It's no different than if your BM brought a date you didn't know well.
    I assume she would be capable of conducting herself properly but even if she didn't that's on her so I am not worried about that. There is another aspect to her life which is why we are not close friends. There are things she does which I do not want to be around. But I cannot dictate +1s!! Got to let her come if she is someone's +1 and I am okay with this. She just made me and my MOH really uncomfortable and I hate that.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kitty8403kitty8403 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    The whole thing sounds so random, I can't take the BM's offer as a serious invitation. It sounds more like a light-hearted joke to break the tension.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    kitty8403 said:
    The whole thing sounds so random, I can't take the BM's offer as a serious invitation. It sounds more like a light-hearted joke to break the tension.
    Unfortunately it was not a joke. I confirmed that when I spoke to her later.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    kitty8403kitty8403 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    aefitz29 said:


    kitty8403 said:

    The whole thing sounds so random, I can't take the BM's offer as a serious invitation. It sounds more like a light-hearted joke to break the tension.

    Unfortunately it was not a joke. I confirmed that when I spoke to her later.


    Ugh. That stinks. But you probably won't see much of this girl even if she does come. Just seat her way down the end of the head table!
    Did you already have plus ones for bridesmaids/groomsmen/singles in your budget/invite list? It always startles me, the number of people who think it's ok to randomly add to your guest list without asking.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    kitty8403 said:
    kitty8403 said:
    The whole thing sounds so random, I can't take the BM's offer as a serious invitation. It sounds more like a light-hearted joke to break the tension.
    Unfortunately it was not a joke. I confirmed that when I spoke to her later.
    Ugh. That stinks. But you probably won't see much of this girl even if she does come. Just seat her way down the end of the head table! Did you already have plus ones for bridesmaids/groomsmen/singles in your budget/invite list? It always startles me, the number of people who think it's ok to randomly add to your guest list without asking.
    Yes, definitely planning on plus ones for bridal party. I feel it is pretty much their right although most of them will not be bringing anyone at this point. This could change of course since we are 9 months out but I am planning for it. I think I was being a little cautious about this particular person due to her extracurricular activities.

    I really shouldn't judge or care and just accept that I love my friends and if their friend is out of line they will be the first to say something. I just think the rudeness/awkwardness needed a bit of a vent for me.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    danielletommy36danielletommy36 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited November 2013
    I am dealing with a similar situation.  Almost every time I see a certain mutual friend of a friend... she tells me how excited she is for my wedding and how she will come as anyone's plus one (naming multiple people) as long as she gets to come.  It is so awkward.  It has happened at least four times.  
    Report Reply
  • Options
    KaurisKauris member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    @aefitz29, I just want to applaud you on your mature outlook on this. I truly hope it works out for the best for you. Even if it doesn't it sounds as if you will handle it with care and class. 
    Report Reply
  • Options
    phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Just wanted to add a couple things, since everyone else has already taken care of answering the actual question.

    1) Thank you for actually graciously taking the advice you were given! It's a bit sad to say this, but it's refreshing when people don't angrily start bashing everyone.

    2) I think you've felt the need a little bit to explain why you don't want to invite this person. You don't need to give a reason--it's ALWAYS rude to demand to be invited to someone's wedding.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    cideficidefi member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I woulda turned to her and said "No your not going to BM's +1. Chick I don't even know you like that. How rude of you!!"
    Report Reply
  • Options
    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    cidefi said:
    I woulda turned to her and said "No your not going to BM's +1. Chick I don't even know you like that. How rude of you!!"
    Really? 
    image
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    Report Reply
  • Options
    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Someone above mentioned seating this BM and her potential crazy friend plus one at the far end of the head table.  I would tell you not to have a head table at all.  Do a sweetheart table with just you and FI.  Then have a table of your BM and a table of your GM, all seated with your dates.  That would cut down any more potential interaction with this crazy chick.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    PolarBearFitzPolarBearFitz member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    OliveOilsMom said:
    Someone above mentioned seating this BM and her potential crazy friend plus one at the far end of the head table.  I would tell you not to have a head table at all.  Do a sweetheart table with just you and FI.  Then have a table of your BM and a table of your GM, all seated with your dates.  That would cut down any more potential interaction with this crazy chick.
    We decided on a sweetheart table from day one luckily! I didn't want to keep my wedding party from their dates/families.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    MadHops21MadHops21 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I don't understand these people that tell the bride that they will just come as someone's +1. Does it not seem obvious that they are not invited if they do not receive an initial invite? Why bother trying to fight to get to the wedding if you're not close to the bride? I'm just confused....

    If an aquiantance of mine was getting married and I didn't receive an invite, then I would get the message that I'm not invited. Women are getting crazy!
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
    Funny Awkward animated GIF
    Report Reply
  • Options
    Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Kelcita21 said:
    I don't understand these people that tell the bride that they will just come as someone's +1. Does it not seem obvious that they are not invited if they do not receive an initial invite? Why bother trying to fight to get to the wedding if you're not close to the bride? I'm just confused....

    If an aquiantance of mine was getting married and I didn't receive an invite, then I would get the message that I'm not invited. Women are getting crazy!
    THIS! Another thing that baffles me is that people randomly assume that every bride and groom are giving people +1s. Giving people who are single and aren't in relationships +1s is NOT mandatory, however inviting SOs are. Not every bride and groom can afford to have all of their guests bring additional guests if they are truly single. So anybody who assumes that the bride and groom are accommodating +1s or assuming that someone who can bring a plus one would use it up on that person, is totally out of line and is acting entitled.
    Report Reply
  • Options
    AlexisA01AlexisA01 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Amyzen83 said:
    Kelcita21 said:
    I don't understand these people that tell the bride that they will just come as someone's +1. Does it not seem obvious that they are not invited if they do not receive an initial invite? Why bother trying to fight to get to the wedding if you're not close to the bride? I'm just confused....

    If an aquiantance of mine was getting married and I didn't receive an invite, then I would get the message that I'm not invited. Women are getting crazy!
    THIS! Another thing that baffles me is that people randomly assume that every bride and groom are giving people +1s. Giving people who are single and aren't in relationships +1s is NOT mandatory, however inviting SOs are. Not every bride and groom can afford to have all of their guests bring additional guests if they are truly single. So anybody who assumes that the bride and groom are accommodating +1s or assuming that someone who can bring a plus one would use it up on that person, is totally out of line and is acting entitled.
    Very true. What if the OP wasn't giving +1s? That would just end badly.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards