Register if you're not having a shower?

Bruins63 · December 2013

First marriage for both of us but we've owned our house for 2 years now and have everything we need. We are very down to Earth people and declined a shower because we honestly feel that asking for "better" items for our home is selfish. I'm just wondering if I should make some sort of registry because older, traditional guests like my grandparents are going to want to get us something (not cash). Do you think that's necessary or just verbally give my parents some ideas to pass on?

hoffse · December 2013

Well if you don't want 6 toasters, I would register.

And honestly, people always say they don't need anything but I find that hard to believe. And what you will find is that whether you ask for gifts or not, people will give them to you. It's customary for a wedding, as it's a major life event. It doesn't matter whether it feels selfish or not - you will be buried under a huge pile of boxes. To give you some perspective, it took H and I six trips in my SUV with the seats down to get boxed gifts back to the apartment from my parents' house. And we took two SUV loads of empty boxes and packaging to the dumpster when we were done. Granted, we are in a circle of primarily boxed-gift-givers, but still. 6 trips.

Do yourself and everybody else a favor and register for things you like, want, and that coordinate with the stuff you already own. It's going to show up whether you ask for it or not. Might as well be to your liking and relatively unredundant.

emmyg65 · December 2013

This was pretty much our situation too, and my mom and older friends really encouraged me to register. We created a small registry at Crate and Barrel (~50 items, most under $50; we invited 115 guests) and it was almost all bought. So if you can put together a smaller registry of stuff you'd really like, then go for it. But if you find yourself just putting things on the list for the sake of having a list, skip it.

chibiyui · December 2013

I'd register. People are going to give you stuff, it might as well be what you like.

Also, maybe 2 months before your wedding your blender goes kaput or your vacuum cleaner starts falling apart. You can then add what you need to the registry and maybe someone will get it for you, or you get it after the wedding with your completion discount.

csuave · December 2013

If you are in a region where cash gifts are the norm then you do not need to register. Not registering and the fact that you declined a shower will send a strong signal that you are not interested in boxed gifts.

However, if you have a few ideas like you mentioned then creating a very small registry will not hurt. You do not need to advertise that you have created this registry, people will find it or ask you directly. It should be stuff that you really want though because most things off of a small registry will be bought.

We registered because we had a shower. By the time of our wedding everything was bought except for 5 items (two matching hand towels, two rugs and a storage bench). One couple bought the bench and a rug as their wedding gift. A guy bought the other rug as his wedding gift. If these registry items were not available I think these gift givers would have given us cash or gift cards...not random stuff. The hand towels were purchased after our wedding (while we were on our honeymoon) by a coworker that was not invited to the wedding but was so happy for us that she wanted to get us a small gift.

Because we had next to nothing left on our registry for the wedding, when 5 different people asked us where we were registered we told them we didn't really have a registry because we were more focused on house projects like landscaping. 3 gave us Home Depot gift cards and 2 gave us cash. One of the cash gifts was from a close friend with a good sense of humor. After she got our no registry reply she texted back "lol, cash it is then "

Small registry or no registry--either way will work.

southernbelle0915 · December 2013

I would register. I've had friends that didn't and they ended up with tons of duplicates, a lot of picture frames, and gift cards to stores/restaurants they don't frequent. It's up to you though. Just do a small registry for stuff you'll need down the road (towels, sheets, anything else that wears out) and then when people ask where you're registered, let them know you have a small registry but you're saving up for XYZ. They'll get it.

doeydo · December 2013

FI and I live together as well. We don't "need" anything, but if people are going to get gifts for us, we will register for upgrades ie. Dyson Pet vacuum vs. our Bissel. Also, you can always use an extra set of sheets or towels or something. I prefer to give actual gifts at weddings, not money. So if I went to a wedding and they didn't register for anything, I might get them a vase, serving dish, or some kind of kitchen gadget perhaps. I think you should just register.

MyNameIsNot · December 2013

There is no rule that says you have to register. If you really can't think of anything to put on there, skip it.

If you do want one, just make a small one. There has to be something you can add. You may have all the sheets and towels you need now, but those things don't last forever. Plenty of things wear out over time and can be stocked up on a registry.

kitty8403 · December 2013

I think this is a local culture/know your crowd thing. People in my area tend to give cash for things like graduations and boxed gifts at weddings. Bridal showers do happen but aren't especially common. So for people in our circle a registry is necessary, shower or no shower, unless you want a bunch of randomness. But if money is the norm in your crowd, it may be less of an issue.

Bruins63 · December 2013

We do have pretty old beat up towels/ sheets/ pots & pans but we just think it's rude that because we're in love and because we're getting married we should expect people to buy us new stuff. We don't want to take advantage of anyone and milk people for gifts, that's not the point of our wedding. I know many people feel that it's customary but I just feel that it's old school. Showers were traditionaly to help the new couple gather things for their first home, and now that we're in an age where most have homes and apartments I think showers should be outdated and tacky to request "upgrading" your home at the expense of loved ones.

But none the less-Thanks everyone for the responses! I guess a small registry is probably the best option because I agree that when I'm a guest I prefer to get something off the registry instead of cash.

jdluvr06 · December 2013

Xmobergx I completely agree about it being tacky to "upgrade" your home at the expense of loved ones. My FI and I have been talking about this a lot lately and we have ultimately decided not create a registry but even if we did we would only pick out small ticket items. I mean we certainly don't need or want anyone to spend a bunch of money on us, especially on things we don't need.

photokitty · December 2013

my husband and I were in the exact same situation. I did not have a shower. We chose not to register because we didn't need anything. In the end we got about 75 percent cash /checks, 20 percent gift cards and 5 percent physical boxed gifts, that were randomly but lovingly selected by our guests. If i were you I would not register, but that's just MHO

GL!

Jen4948 · December 2013

You're not required to register. There isn't any rule of etiquette that requires it.

There also isn't a rule that showers require registries. It's strictly optional.

If you're okay with getting physical gifts, it shouldn't hurt to have a registry through.

hoffse · December 2013

Honestly, you're going to get gifts regardless. A registry isn't a demand, it's simply a list of suggestions if people choose to look it up themselves. I honestly don't think I told one person where I was registered. And our 110 item registry at Macy's was almost completely bought out. People looked for it and found it themselves.

I get that it feels awkward. But I would never - ever - attend a wedding without a gift. And I'm not creative. I also don't want to give you cash (because you know exactly what I spent), and I don't want to give you something that's not to your taste. Registries are a relief because I can usually find something I know you will like, and most of the time I can get a deal on that item and spend less than my budget. Win all around as I see it.

Your age, income, or stage in life has absolutely no bearing on whether I would give you a gift as a guest to your wedding.

RebeccaB88 · December 2013

You might feel like it's selfish, but I promise you that other people will not (mostly). People really appreciate registries. Your old things can be donated to a charity that will give them to someone who will see it as a blessing. Good cookware is an investment that you will use for a lifetime. And a lot of people prefer to give fun or special gifts, so items that aren't necessities but would be fun to have and useful to you would appeal to people. If you're outdoorsy, REI has a registry.

AddieCake · December 2013

How is it selfish to ask for better items for your home? I guess I suck for asking for the 4-slice toaster we wanted since we already had a 2-slice and that should have just been good enough.

Register if you're not having a shower?

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