Switching Invited guest for a stranger

Sharpschruter22 · December 2013

My wedding is over and done with (it was perfect) and while this no longer matters, I am curious on how to handle this situation.

We had a smallish wedding of 75 people. I call it a destination wedding because everyone travelled to a specific location (shortest drive for anyone was 8 hours) including us.

I invited a friend and her fiancé. She RSVP'd for herself and a friend I have never met. Call me crazy, but I think it is rude to switch your fiancé for your uninvited friend. It was a smallish family and close friends only wedding and I hated thinking someone I have never met would be there for this intimate moment. Call me what you will, but that's how I felt. I ended up just ignoring it and letting her come. It wasn't the end of the world of course and I didn't really even think about it on that day.

Like I said, it's over and no longer matters, but maybe a future bride has this issue and wants to know what her options are. Did I do the right thing? What else could I have done?

KeptInStitches · December 2013

You could have called her when you got her RSVP and said that the invitation was for her and her FI. It was rude of her to transfer the invitation. It also comes down to how badly you wanted her there -- if you felt she would withdraw her RSVP if she didn't get to bring her friend, then you might be more inclined to let her bring her friend in order to see her.

I don't know if there's a right or wrong thing in your part in this circumstance. You definitely weren't rude, IMO.

jessicabessica · December 2013

I think you did the right thing. It would have been more polite on her part if she had asked you first, rather than just subbing in another person on the RSVP card, but I think you should have let her bring the other person if given the opportunity to say no. She had to travel (who wants to do an 8-hour drive alone?), and you already budgeted for her to attend with another person.

I think that the "someone I had never met will be at my wedding" issue is a little silly. If you had never met your friend's FI, you would still have invited him, right? I also like to to meet the friends of my close friends (I assume if we're both such great friends with the same person, we'll see each other at that friend's events, at minimum).

Ven&Radio · December 2013

I agree with Jessica - the fear of someone you've never met attending your wedding is kind of silly. What if you had a good friend or relative, who was in a relationship with someone you hadn't met before? Of course you'd still invite the SO. It was a little rude of your friend to sub an invite without asking you, but you had budgeted for her to have a plus one. It's an inideal situation, but not one worth getting upset about.

emmyg65 · December 2013

I had a friend do this, but she asked me first. I wasn't thrilled (she wanted to sub in a girl I don't particularly like), but it was more important to have her there, and for her to feel comfortable and have a good time.

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

It's incredibly rude of her not to have asked. Invitations are non-transferrable. You can't just sub in other players off the bench.

But I think you handled it very well.

SP29 · December 2013

Agreed. Your friend was in the wrong. You could have called her and said, "I'm sorry to invitation was for you and John, we can't accommodate your friend Sally". But, know that she might have declined all together, as maybe John was unavailable that weekend and your friend didn't want to travel alone- understandable- so that is the choice you deal with.

I think you handled the situation well, and as you said, you didn't even really notice or care about the uninvited friend on the day of.

Amyzen83 · December 2013

Even though your wedding is over and done with, (congratulations btw, it looks gorgeous from your photo!) that doesn't mean feelings are over and done with. You are within your rights to be annoyed that your friend didn't even have the courtesy to ask you first before just inviting some random person. That's the part that would grind my gears too!

FYI, we are giving our guests plus 1s, so it doesn't matter to us if someone wants to transfer their invite, but if you weren't inviting everyones plus ones, (SOs don't go in the plus 1 category), it's very rude for people to assume they can just bring someone else. In the end, I thought how you handled it was very gracious and it worked out because you didn't even notice this other person anyway, and your friend had a road trip buddy to come with her. At this point, my advice would just be to vent on here, but otherwise just let it go, if you bring it up to her, it might cause unnecessary drama. In the future, when you and your hubby host parties or dinners, and she tries that again, then you can tell her for that situation, "I'm sorry we can't accommodate ___", because we only meant to have you and your fiancé.

blabla89 · December 2013

scribe95 said:

Sounds like it all worked out for the best. Maybe your friend's FI couldn't attend and she didn't want to travel 8 hours alone? Maybe absolute sense to me. I wouldn't have cared at all.

I can totally understand this logic, but if that was the case then why not call and discuss the situation with you first? It sounds like she didn't consult you at all - so what she did was absolutely rude.

Sharpschruter22 · December 2013

Thank you everyone. Yes, she didn't ask me at all. I think that's the part that really irritated me the most. We weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to be there so I was irritated that this person I don't even know would be taking the seat of a friend or extended family member I really wanted to be there and all happening without any consultation with me.

I am friends with her fiancé, but as another poster mentioned if I had never met her fiancé he still would have been invited based off of his relationship to her. I didn't give plus ones for those not in any relationship and many of my single friends still came.

With the nature of the wedding, I know she would be more comfortable having her friend with her and I wanted her to be there so I didn't say anything to her about it and never intend to. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. Thanks so much.

indianaalum · December 2013

I would let it go.

Like others said, it didn't cost you any more money and you didn't really notice her that night. The friend had to travel 8 hours or more which is a pretty far drive to do alone. I would cut her some slack as she could have easily used her "FI can't make it, so I might need to stay home since driving alone is difficult". She chose to bring someone.

I also don't get the "I need to know everyone at my wedding" business. My husband had people invited I never met, but he knew. Would that have meants I shouldn't have included them because i didn't know them? Of course not. Agreed with others, seems a little micromanaging to me.

Jen4948 · December 2013

indianaalum said:

I would let it go.

Like others said, it didn't cost you any more money and you didn't really notice her that night. The friend had to travel 8 hours or more which is a pretty far drive to do alone. I would cut her some slack as she could have easily used her "FI can't make it, so I might need to stay home since driving alone is difficult". She chose to bring someone.

Travel needs are not an excuse for taking it upon oneself to tamper with someone else's guest list and bringing someone who was not invited as one's personal guest. Her FI was invited-the guest she chose to bring was not. Whether or not it cost the OP any money or she noticed the uninvited guest is not relevant.

saric83 · December 2013

Bottom line, you had the opportunity to call and talk with her about this once you received her RSVP, and you chose not to. So being upset that she took a spot that someone else could have had is irrelevant unless you were planning to invite someone as a b-list guest once you heard that her FI wasn't going.

So time to move on and if this happens to any of your friends in the future, tell them to talk to the guest who RSVPs for someone who is uninvited.

MGP · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

indianaalum said:

I would let it go.

Like others said, it didn't cost you any more money and you didn't really notice her that night. The friend had to travel 8 hours or more which is a pretty far drive to do alone. I would cut her some slack as she could have easily used her "FI can't make it, so I might need to stay home since driving alone is difficult". She chose to bring someone.

Travel needs are not an excuse for taking it upon oneself to tamper with someone else's guest list and bringing someone who was not invited as one's personal guest. Her FI was invited-the guest she chose to bring was not. Whether or not it cost the OP any money or she noticed the uninvited guest is not relevant.

Exactly! People get all pissed off on this board when guests add their kids to an RSVP. Those are uninvited guests too how is it any different?

I don't think the OP is being micro-managey at all. She budgeted and invited for Friend + Fiance. She got Friend + Uninvited Guest without her consent. That's not OK. Having complete strangers at your wedding is a risk you take when you invite +1's, not when a guest essentially asks you to alter the guest list to accommodate their needs.

OP could have called and said it wasn't OK, but she probably had other things to do and wasn't really sure how to handle it in the first place. So cut her some slack, not the guest who was rude.

Sharpschruter22 · December 2013

Thank you, MGP. I appreciate it.

blabla89 · December 2013

@Sharpschruter22 totally off topic but can I ask where your venue is? Looks so cool!

delujm0 · December 2013

She probably should have run it by you first...but you should have let her do it if she did. I'm kind of astounded that you didn't give truly single guests a +1 to a destination wedding. Even if they were all in a close knit group that would have no problem bunking up/traveling together, I think if you're asking people to travel multiple hours and pay for a hotel room, they should be given the opportunity to bring someone with them to help defray their travel costs/break up the drive.

Also the "i don't want people i don't know at my wedding" line, while frequent, is just a silly reason to not invite people. If it's a budgetary/space constraint issue, just say that. Otherwise I think it's kind of lame to be like "i can afford to let single guests bring a date, and there's totally enough room for them, and it would be really nice of me since they all have to travel so far to come here...but i don't want people i don't know at my wedding, so i'm not going to do that." That's not terribly gracious.

Jen4948 · December 2013

delujm0 said:

She probably should have run it by you first...but you should have let her do it if she did. I'm kind of astounded that you didn't give truly single guests a +1 to a destination wedding. Even if they were all in a close knit group that would have no problem bunking up/traveling together, I think if you're asking people to travel multiple hours and pay for a hotel room, they should be given the opportunity to bring someone with them to help defray their travel costs/break up the drive.

Also the "i don't want people i don't know at my wedding" line, while frequent, is just a silly reason to not invite people. If it's a budgetary/space constraint issue, just say that. Otherwise I think it's kind of lame to be like "i can afford to let single guests bring a date, and there's totally enough room for them, and it would be really nice of me since they all have to travel so far to come here...but i don't want people i don't know at my wedding, so i'm not going to do that." That's not terribly gracious.

I disagree. I don't think traveling entitles anyone to bring a guest to someone else's wedding. That does not constitute a social unit.

In any case, she was already invited as part of a social unit, and the fact that the other invited guest couldn't make it is not an excuse for bringing someone else who was not invited.

MGP · December 2013

delujm0 said:

She probably should have run it by you first...but you should have let her do it if she did. I'm kind of astounded that you didn't give truly single guests a +1 to a destination wedding. Even if they were all in a close knit group that would have no problem bunking up/traveling together, I think if you're asking people to travel multiple hours and pay for a hotel room, they should be given the opportunity to bring someone with them to help defray their travel costs/break up the drive.

The guest wasn't truly single. She was engaged. The OP did the right thing and invited her with the fiancé. When the fiancé couldn't make it the guest replaced his invite with a friend's. This is not OK. The guest's status did not turn to "truly single" just because her SO could not attend, so in my eyes the OP is under no obligation to extend the guest an ADDITIONAL +1. Even if travel was involved.

This topic just strikes a nerve with me because I deal with this all the time. My husband works most weekends. If we are invited somewhere as a couple and he can't go, I go by myself or don't go at all. I don't take it upon myself to bring someone else in his place. It's that simple.

delujm0 · December 2013

I wasn't referring to the invited guest with the substitution as being single...the OP said that none of her single guests got +1's. that's what i was referring to.

You don't "have to" give truly single guests a +1. Ever. Even if you are having a DW in Siberia or the dark corner of the moon. However, to me, etiquette is all about treating your guests with respect and thinking of their needs before your own. Asking people to travel a minimum of 8 hours to your DW is already asking a lot of them (though of course they can decline to come), but to also say "we want you to come to this ALONE, so plan accordingly" kind of stinks.

I agree that this particular friend should not have substituted a random invite for her fiance - invitations are non-transferrable. But if this friend had called OP and said "FI can't come, and I can't afford to pay for the gas/accomodations by myself, would you mind if i brought a friend" would you really suggest that the OP say "well i guess you can't come then?" If OP wanted this girl there, she would have allowed this to happen even if she had been asked. Though i bet that it did look bad to the truly single friends who weren't extended a +1 that this girl got to bring a random person - but again, in OP's shoes I would have given all single guests a +1, so that wouldn't have been an issue.

Jen4948 · December 2013

delujm0 said:

I wasn't referring to the invited guest with the substitution as being single...the OP said that none of her single guests got +1's. that's what i was referring to.

You don't "have to" give truly single guests a +1. Ever. Even if you are having a DW in Siberia or the dark corner of the moon. However, to me, etiquette is all about treating your guests with respect and thinking of their needs before your own. Asking people to travel a minimum of 8 hours to your DW is already asking a lot of them (though of course they can decline to come), but to also say "we want you to come to this ALONE, so plan accordingly" kind of stinks.

I agree that this particular friend should not have substituted a random invite for her fiance - invitations are non-transferrable. But if this friend had called OP and said "FI can't come, and I can't afford to pay for the gas/accomodations by myself, would you mind if i brought a friend" would you really suggest that the OP say "well i guess you can't come then?" If OP wanted this girl there, she would have allowed this to happen even if she had been asked. Though i bet that it did look bad to the truly single friends who weren't extended a +1 that this girl got to bring a random person - but again, in OP's shoes I would have given all single guests a +1, so that wouldn't have been an issue.

Look, what if there was in fact no room for this other person? That the OP was stretched to her financial and space limits? I'm sorry, but I find this "if you want me there you'll let me bring whoever I want" to be fucking blackmail! Sometimes people have to understand that they can't bring others with them to someone else's invitational event who the hosts didn't invite-not say this stupid bullshit. No one who is in a social unit is entitled to bring anyone other than their partner, and no one who isn't is entitled to bring anyone at all! This is one time when "the guests' needs" do have to take the back seat to the hosts' ability and desire to host extra people they didn't choose to invite.

delujm0 · December 2013

Jen4948 said:

Look, what if there was in fact no room for this other person? That the OP was stretched to her financial and space limits? I'm sorry, but I find this "if you want me there you'll let me bring whoever I want" to be fucking blackmail! Sometimes people have to understand that they can't bring others with them to someone else's invitational event who the hosts didn't invite-not say this stupid bullshit. No one who is in a social unit is entitled to bring anyone other than their partner, and no one who isn't is entitled to bring anyone at all! This is one time when "the guests' needs" do have to take the back seat to the hosts' ability and desire to host extra people they didn't choose to invite.

Well the guest had already been invited with her FI, so clearly there was enough room for this other person. This guest definitely shouldn't have just shown up with a stranger...but if she had asked about bringing someone else in a respectable way (you know, not by blackmailing the bride, but having a mature discussion about not being able to afford the trip on her own), I think most brides would accomodate that request. I asume this girl was a very close friend of the bride, as the bride had invited her to a self-described "intimate" wedding, so i assume that the bride really wanted her to be there.

I completely agree that if there is a budgetary/space concern this would be the time to enforce it. However, if this is a "i just don't want people i don't know at my wedding and i'd rather people not come than be able to bring someone to travel with" situation, i think that's pretty lame.

Quite frankly, having a DW and making it extra difficult for your guests to actually show up kind of screams "don't come but do send me a gift" to me. I realize that it isn't official etiquette rules, but it is my opinion that if you want people to make an effort to come to your DW, you should make it as easy as possible for them to do so. If you're having a DW so that you can invite a bunch of people and hardly any of them will actually come, then by all means, make it as difficult for them to attend as you want. But if you're set on a far-flung destination, and you want most of your guests to join you, you should make it easy for them to do so. And easy generally includes letting them bring someone to split up travel costs with if the space and budget allow for it.

But again, that's just my opinion. I know it goes a little bit past traditional etiquette rules, but that's how i feel about it.

AddieCake · December 2013

I don't see what difference it makes. You budgeted for 2 on that invitation. Who really cares who she brought?

tammym1001 · December 2013

Sharpschruter22 said:

Thank you everyone. Yes, she didn't ask me at all. I think that's the part that really irritated me the most. We weren't able to invite everyone we wanted to be there so I was irritated that this person I don't even know would be taking the seat of a friend or extended family member I really wanted to be there and all happening without any consultation with me. I am friends with her fiancé, but as another poster mentioned if I had never met her fiancé he still would have been invited based off of his relationship to her. I didn't give plus ones for those not in any relationship and many of my single friends still came. With the nature of the wedding, I know she would be more comfortable having her friend with her and I wanted her to be there so I didn't say anything to her about it and never intend to. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. Thanks so much.

I agree that your friend should have checked with you first, but the bolded part isn't really true. You already invited your friend and her Fi and she just brought someone in his place. The only way the friend that she brought would be taking the place of a friend or extended family member that you really wanted there was if you had planned on B listing people and you would have invited someone else if she told you her Fi wasn't coming.

aurorajanette · December 2013

I agree that invitations are non-transferable. She should have checked with you before the wedding. A similar thing happened to a friend of mine who got married this summer. A guest (someone in our group of friends) broke up with his girlfriend two weeks before the wedding, and although about 25 of his friend were going to be there, wanted to bring his mom as a plus one. The groom said no, since no one was invited with a plus one, and they were able to get money back on that meal... and then the friend brought his mother anyway. It turns out that his mother had offered to pay for the gift if she could come to the wedding. It was a shitty thing to do. She is very conservative and religious, so she sat at our table all night and verbally berated us for having drinks and dancing. The B&G were livid. Now they are no longer friends with the guy.

I know it's not the same exactly, but it's an instance where money was able to be refunded for one less person being there, and where friendships were strained. Something to think about if you're going to invite guests who are not invited.

Jen4948 · December 2013

AddieL73 said:

I don't see what difference it makes. You budgeted for 2 on that invitation. Who really cares who she brought?

Because the budget is not relevant. What's relevant is that two specific people were invited. Substitutions without the hosts' consent takes away their right to decide who is invited to their event. It's not up to the guests unless specifically so designated by the hosts. Maybe they wanted to entertain the husband and wife, but not the wife's sister or friend or whoever the other person is.

AddieCake · December 2013

Yeah, I know, Jen. But for me, it's just not something I care about. I just don't see the big deal if a couple people end up doing this. If half my guests did it, maybe I would care, but one or two? Meh.

Jen4948 · December 2013

AddieL73 said:

Yeah, I know, Jen. But for me, it's just not something I care about. I just don't see the big deal if a couple people end up doing this. If half my guests did it, maybe I would care, but one or two? Meh.

You might not personally care, but as a matter of etiquette that applies to everyone, there should not be an expectation that if one half of a social couple can't make it, the other half can invite someone else in their place without their hosts' consent. It's really not only not fair to the hosts to take away their prerogative of deciding who they want to host, but supposing that they want to do something with the money and resources that would have been spent on the absent partner other than hosting another person? Maybe they would have liked to be able to serve another dish, or just do something else with their own money? By forcing them to accommodate an uninvited guest, you're basically stealing from them. Not okay at all!

MGP · December 2013

delujm0 said:

This guest definitely shouldn't have just shown up with a stranger...but if she had asked about bringing someone else in a respectable way (you know, not by blackmailing the bride, but having a mature discussion about not being able to afford the trip on her own), I think most brides would accomodate that request.

Not always the case. I made the mistake of asking my best friend of over 20 years if I could bring my nursing newborn daughter to her wedding, which was out of town and I was the MOH. She said I was out of line and so did several commenters on this board.

The general consensus on this board is that it's inappropriate for a guest to RSVP for anyone other than the names on the invitation, or ask for substitutions or additions to the guest list. Granted my situation had to do with a child, but I am really failing to understand why the OP's situation is so super special and different from all of the previous threads on this topic.

Sharpschruter22 · December 2013

To the poster "astounded" that I didn't give my single guests plus ones: I had 4 single guests. 2 were my bridesmaids who were not in a relationship and who traveled and stayed with me during the weekend. One is a friend also not seeing anyone who traveled and stayed with her sister. The last was a guy friend who again wasn't seeing anyone and traveled and stayed with his family. There was no need to invite them to bring a plus one as they were single and coming with other guests they knew and enjoyed hanging out with. It was a small wedding and everyone knew everyone except for family on my husband's side.

We chose a destination wedding because we wanted a small wedding. If we had it in my hometown, there would have been 300 people there (because of my church) and we wouldn't have gotten to have the intimate wedding we wanted or have been able to host our guests the way we wanted. By having a destination wedding, only the people who truly wanted to be there were. That's what we wanted and that's what happened. We were able to invite my church family so no one got their feelings hurt, but few came because it wasn't easy to get to. It was nothing about gifts. The vast majority that we invited and didn't come, didn't send gifts. We didn't expect them to and inviting them in order to get gifts was never in my mind. Wedding gifts aren't mandatory regardless if you come to the wedding or not.

I realize many of you could care less if someone you don't know is at your wedding, but our wedding was intimate and I didn't like the idea since this person was never invited anyway. Regardless, as previously stated, even though I was never asked if this person could come, I let her and the day was fine.

Sharpschruter22 · December 2013

Oh and to the poster asking about our venue (thank you, it was gorgeous). Our ceremony was held in a glass chapel in the woods called Thorncrown in Eureka Springs, AR and our reception was in the conservatory at the 1886 Crescent Hotel & Spa also in Eureka Springs and known as America's Most Haunted Hotel.

Email me or message if you would like to see more pictures: cmaire23@gmail.com

www.thorncrown.com
www.crescent-hotel.com

Switching Invited guest for a stranger

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