Wedding Woes

Future In-Law Issues :(

Over the weekend my fiance and I were together with his family, and the idea of not having children at the reception got brought up. His sister very blatantly said if we were not going to allow children at the reception, she just wouldn't come at all. We told her our plan is to arrange for child care at the hotel or possibly an in-home daycare located in the same neighborhood as the wedding, but she still refused. It is upsetting because clearly we want her there, but at the same time we do not want kids running around all over the place...or rather, people getting stressed out by their children and leaving early. We were thinking maybe hiring babysitters to stay AT the reception with the kids, but I feel like essentially the kids will still just stay with the parents the whole time and nothing will be accomplished.  Does anyone have any suggestions on a good compromise?
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Re: Future In-Law Issues :(

  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
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    Over the weekend my fiance and I were together with his family, and the idea of not having children at the reception got brought up. His sister very blatantly said if we were not going to allow children at the reception, she just wouldn't come at all. We told her our plan is to arrange for child care at the hotel or possibly an in-home daycare located in the same neighborhood as the wedding, but she still refused. It is upsetting because clearly we want her there, but at the same time we do not want kids running around all over the place...or rather, people getting stressed out by their children and leaving early. We were thinking maybe hiring babysitters to stay AT the reception with the kids, but I feel like essentially the kids will still just stay with the parents the whole time and nothing will be accomplished.  Does anyone have any suggestions on a good compromise?
    What HisGirlFriday said.  It really sounds like you might have the children at the ceremony but not invite them to the reception, which not only is bad etiquette, but also makes things extra inconvenient for parents.  If they want the child at the ceremony but not the reception, when are they supposed to bring the kid to the babysitter?  Just invite the kids or don't, but don't tier your event.  This goes for all guests, not just children.  People are invited to the whole wedding or none of it.

    I would probably just invite these kids if it is really important that Fi's sister be there.  You can easily draw lines and not invite other kids, just say only family kids are invited if anyone asks.  But if you really do not want children at your wedding, simply tell FSIL you will miss her.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    PrettyGirlLost
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    It is perfectly fine to have a child-free wedding.  I would just not invite the kids (neither to the ceremony or the reception) and if people say "Well, if kids can't come, then I won't come" then just say "We're sorry you feel that way and we'll miss you", as HisGirlFriday13 said.  You do not need to offer childcare, but you can if you want to. 
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  • I offered childcare on the premises, and I had my brother refuse because he didn't want his children with a "stranger" (he actually knows the person).  You can offer the child care, but it might not be good enough for some parents.  Listen to PP about calling their bluff on not coming, and see how that goes.  But if you don't want children at your wedding, don't get conned into doing it!
    imageimage
  • This is one of those decisions you just have to own. If you don't want kids, you don't have to, but people might decline or leave early to get home to a sitter. 

    PrettyGirlLost
  • Stick to your guns OP! Do not back down! You don't want kids just tell them you don't want kids. You do not have to give them a reason why, you just flat out tell them that's the decision you and your FI have come to.

    Call their bluff about not coming.

    Also what PPs said. You can not tier your wedding day, it's rude no matter how old the guests you are inviting are. Either invite them to both or don't invite them at all.
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • you don't have to have kids for whatever your reasons, but you can't justify why the parents should be happy about it. some parents LIKE bringing their kids to weddings.

     

    that said, if your FI sister won't come, you may need to work something out if your FI really wants her there. sure she may be bluffing, but with his entire immediate family possibly going to the wedding, it is plausible that she may not have adequate child care available to her. who knows the reason. but if this is a fight you want to havem then you need to deal with the consequences.

     

    im not saying having an adult-only weding is wrong. not at all. but ettiquette doesn't always cover every situation, and this might be where you MIGHT want to consider one exception. it is immediate family, so if you do end up letting her bring her kids, you won't owe anyone an explanation.

     

    FTR, i would never bring a kid to a wedding, but i do know that this is a hot button issue for a few parents i know. they get very offended when their kids are excluded.

     

    mrsconn23PrettyGirlLost
  • I usually only bring my kids to family weddings because people will want to see them.  Otherwise, the kids stay with grandparents or their aunts/uncles.  

    Weddings are not the most kid-friendly events.  And if I'm close enough to a person to be invited to their wedding, I want to go and have a good time and soclalize.  That's not so easy with a toddler.  My teenager would be OK, but bored out of his mind.  So sending them to hang with family (and likely be a little spoiled) while mom and dad go to have a good time is a win-win for everyone. 

    I'm lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents plus siblings in town that are willing (and want) to watch my kids.  If we didn't have those options, I would bet that we would be a little more choosy about weddings or other events we attend. 
    VarunaTT
  • i would never do it. if people want to see the kid, they can have us over during his wakeful hours. i want to enjoy the wedding like an adult. but that is just me. i have family members who have great control over their kids and who would decline an adult-only wedding invite. i don't understand it, but it's their opinion, just like they don't understand why i enjoy a night out without the kid. it is what it is.
    CLI242009VarunaTTPrettyGirlLost
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee
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    I understand wanting a kid-free wedding, but these are your future nieces and nephews. I would strongly consider only inviting these children as they are family. I agree that you shouldn't be blackmailed into inviting children either.

    ... why should she invite these kids only? If she doesn't want kids, she doesn't want kids. It may cause some bawwing, but just because these kids are family doesn't mean they get a free pass to the wedding.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • I understand wanting a kid-free wedding, but these are your future nieces and nephews. I would strongly consider only inviting these children as they are family. I agree that you shouldn't be blackmailed into inviting children either.

    ... why should she invite these kids only? If she doesn't want kids, she doesn't want kids. It may cause some bawwing, but just because these kids are family doesn't mean they get a free pass to the wedding.
    I agree with this. Especially since it's technically not a "free pass" you still have to pay for them to eat. I know it's not as much as an adult plate, it's still money you have to spend. 

    I had the same problem with my FI's mother. I do not want kids at my wedding because I do not want anymore chaos going on then there has to be. Everyone is going to be stressed out as it is....adding a 3 year old with a temper tantrum because he/she can't dip their finger in the cake is not something that needs to be added to the stressful day. 

    She kept pushing but FI and I finally put our feet down. We just don't see kids the same way as everyone else does. They don't like it but they've accepted it, finally. 

    Just be firm and do not waver your decision. 
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    PrettyGirlLost
  • I'd like to have as many flower girls as possible, but if you don't want kids running around in your wedding, I don't see a problem. 

    Also, I think it's wired that some parents don't allow strangers to take care of their kids, kids have to deal with strangers sooner or later...
    thejucheideaPrettyGirlLost
  • Your sister in law sounds pretty selfish. Make your wedding the way you would like it to be. This is your day not hers. She needs to get over herself.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair
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    scribe95 said:
    Out of curiosity - why would you never bring a kid to a wedding? In my family weddings are huge family events with lots of kids. So I am honestly wondering why that would be a no-no for you.
    Many wedding ceremony and reception venues are not kid friendly or appropriate, many weddings are not held at times appropriate for young children, many people don't like to be around children at weddings, couples might not want to pay for over priced kid's menu options, etc.

    Not all family functions are kid appropriate either.

    My friends don't bring their kids to weddings, especially evening ones, unless their kids are actually in the ceremony, and even then they have a relative come and get them early from the reception so that they can go to bed and my friends can enjoy the rest of the evening sans kids.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I think you're FSIL is being a massive bitch for threatening something like that, especially for her own brother's wedding.  However that being said, I think the only exception to the "no kids" rule should be for immediate nieces and nephews...as they are going to be your nieces and nephews too.  Yes, I'd prob exclude a cousin's daughter/son etc because that is more understandable...But I know I would be pretty hurt if my sister didn't want my kids at her wedding.  Oh Lord, I can totally see posters ripping me a new one here!
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