Breach of Etiquette?

Jean0715 · December 2013

Hey ladies,

I love lurking and occasionally commenting, but I seem to have come up with a question of my own and would like your input.

So I started to look at invitations and fell in love with a design that includes a monogram (a single letter.) I assumed it was safe to just use the initial to his last name. I posted on the Paper and Invite board and was told that it was a breach of etiquette to use a monogram prior to actually getting married. A mock up of our invite is below. I have changed some details including our real last names. I don't know if this changes anything, but we are paying for the wedding by ourselves. I just really don't want to break etiquette.

Thanks!

Jean

Jean0715 · December 2013

Sorry, photo didn't attach the first time.

firebabe6519 · December 2013

I don't see a problem with it. You all ate paying for your own wedding so you shouldn't feel obligated to change for someone else. The typical etiquette for invitations is to honor the party covering your expenses. I'd go with what you fell in love with! It looks wonderful!

JCbride2015 · December 2013

firebabe6519 said:

I don't see a problem with it. You all ate paying for your own wedding so you shouldn't feel obligated to change for someone else. The typical etiquette for invitations is to honor the party covering your expenses. I'd go with what you fell in love with! It looks wonderful!

^ I don't necessarily agree with this. The invitation should reflect who is hosting, but it isn't an announcement of who is paying. OP and her Fi are hosting their own wedding, so the wording is appropriate here.

I've also heard that one shouldn't use a monogram before getting married. I did a quick google and I'm pretty sure Miss Manners would say that a shared monogram (like OP's) should not be used before the wedding.

But this might be one of those victimless crimes-- I don't know that it hurts your guests at all. I'm interested to see what others have to say on here.

banana468 · December 2013

I wouldn't use it. The last name of your FI isn't yours to use until you're married. Using it before the wedding makes it seem like you may already be married which will only confuse others.

Jean0715 · December 2013

@JCBride2014 Thats why I'm asking. I'm curious because it's not a full monogram (i.e. jPb) and technically my FI and I are hosting so my big question is: according to etiquette wouldn't it be appropriate to use my FI last initial since he is technically co-hosting? I'm so confused!

JCbride2015 · December 2013

Hmm. Can you use the scroll artwork without the initial?

manateehugger · December 2013

Etiquette Answer: You should not use your married name/monogram until after your wedding.

More Modern/Practical Answer: Using a monogram is becoming incredibly common on invitiations. I can't imagine anyone becoming highly offended or uncomfortable (the whole point of etiquette being to ensure comfort/proper hosting of guests) by seeing your groom's last name initial on the invite; it's a victimless crime.

Basically, if you want to be technically correct, you wont use these. If you want to make a very minor etiquette breach most people wont notice or be offended by, use the invitations you love.

banana468 · December 2013

The point is that the monogram is used once you're married. Since you're not married yet, the monogram shouldn't be used until the reception.

AddieCake · December 2013

You shouldn't use any kind of stationary or anything that has your married name (or married initial in this case) until you are married.

kmmssg · December 2013

I am all for etiquette and Miss Manners - she is my go to but I see this as the most victimless crime ever. I will probably lose my etiquette card for this, but who HONESTLY cares if the monogram is on the invitation? Seriously - if someone is going to complain about that they are looking for something to bitch about.

ScrabbleAndLlamas · December 2013

I got around this by doing "A & B" (replace A and B with our first initials) in a scrolly, monogram style. It looks like a monogram, but isn't.

Amyzen83 · December 2013

Lol I didn't even know what a monogram is before coming here ... Your invitation is pretty! I wouldn't care as a guest

Lily9911 · December 2013

I didn't use a monogram, and I understand everyone's views on why it's wrong to use it before you're married.

If I had done a monogram I would have used DH's initial and I will tell you why. ..

None of my other SIL's took their husbands last name because and I quote "It's an awful name". I am the only one who legally changed her name and I am proud of it. I probably would have done it just as a show of respect to my husband.

smalfrie19 · December 2013

I received an invited back in August for a dear friend and it had their new last name initial on invite...I didn't care one iota...I thought it was sweet. Total victimless crime in my opinion.

tammym1001 · December 2013

I understand not using the 3 initial monogram before the wedding because you haven't changed your last name yet, but I don't understand why you can't use the last name initial. The invitation is coming from you and FI and it's his last name so why can't his last initial be on there?

I'm not trying to start an argument or anything. I'm looking for a genuine answer to this question. Nobody would think anything if I sent out something with my last initial on it so why can't FI send out something with his last initial on it?

misshart00 · December 2013

tammym1001 said:
I understand not using the 3 initial monogram before the wedding because you haven't changed your last name yet, but I don't understand why you can't use the last name initial. The invitation is coming from you and FI and it's his last name so why can't his last initial be on there?

I'm not trying to start an argument or anything. I'm looking for a genuine answer to this question. Nobody would think anything if I sent out something with my last initial on it so why can't FI send out something with his last initial on it?

This is what I thought too. I understand not wanting to use the 3 initial monogram, but it's just the last initial.

Inkdancer · December 2013

The Save-the-Dates I fell in love with have space for two initials, so we are using my current last initial and FI's current last initial.

Would there be room for you to do that?

HisGirlFriday13 · December 2013

We sent our invites with DH'S last initial in the upper-corner. And my parents hosted.

You're not allowed to use your married monogram prior to marriage, but using the last initial on your wedding invtes is, imo, a victimless crime.

CTYankeeBride · December 2013

It is actually correct to use the bride's last initial or monogram, using her maiden name on an invitation (or the bride's mother's if the bride's parents are hosting) if you're going to use an initial. Using a married monogram or initial are reserved for after the ceremony, because that isn't the bride's name until they're married.

I don't know why today's etiquette doesn't care that the invite also comes from the groom in the case of couples hosting their own weddings but historically, women handled the social invites and so it was her initial that was used. So yes, it is a breach of etiquette. Is it a horrible, unforgivable breach that makes a person a crappy host (like a tiered reception)? Not really.

Jean0715 · December 2013

Thank you all for your input, you ladies are awesome.

huskypuppy14 · December 2013

Wow, you learn something new everyday! I'm not changing my name, so this is a moot point for me, but I find this fascinating. There are SO many monogram invitations available too.

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