Problem with choosing MOH...

doeydo · January 2014

I have two younger sisters, and maybe two friends I could ask. He has his half sister.

The problem is, my wedding is going to be in 2015, and if I asked my younger (not youngest) sister, who is 17, to be my MOH, she would have to contend with finishing high school and graduating, getting into college (and she likes to pack in the extracurriculars, by the way), AND help plan my wedding so that it's done a month before she even graduates. I'm not sure I want to immerse her in that kind of stress, but she's pretty much my best option. She's sharp, she knows what I like and don't like, and she respects my decisions and wishes, AND she's very creative. I think a lot of our wedding will end up being DIY'd, so having her talents as a MOH would be awesome. But like I said, she's already got a lot on her plate.
And my youngest sister and his half sister are the same age, entering high school. I don't want them to deal with the stress of helping plan a wedding and entering high school, not to mention neither one of them would probably know how exactly to plan with a good budget and respect my wants and needs.

I could ask my friends. The problem is, I don't know them well enough to the point where I feel comfortable enough asking either one of them. I only hang out with them occasionally. A lot of the time they end up canceling plans with me because "something else came up", which reflects on me that they don't really care as much as I want them to about our friendship. Which tells me that they probably could act very similarly with wedding plans. That could change, I could find another friend with whom I end up sharing more interests with, who spends more time with me in a way that I like, doesn't cancel and cares about my problems more than theirs, or they could change over time (though I don't see that happening). I don't mean to sound inconsiderate, I just initiate a lot of our conversations and our plans to hang out, and knowing they don't follow through with plans as is makes me not very confident in either of their abilities. They want to be part of the wedding dress search, but I don't know if I even want to invite them to that. They're allowed to have their own lives, I just haven't been able to keep a solid friend is all.

I at least have a year to decide yet. What would be your input? I might have sounded like I answered a lot of my own questioning, but I want to be sure to ask for other input, see what I could have missed, that sort of thing. Thanks, ladies! And happy new year!

Ok, look, a MOH's only 'duty' is to show up for the wedding in the agreed dress and smile for pictures. They do not have to help you with DIY projects, wedding planning, or plan/host pre-wedding parties for you. You ask your MOH to be your MOH because she is the closest to you and because you want to honour her.
ETA You can also have multiple MOHs or no MOH. But, you shouldn't be asking people to be your BMs or MOH right now if your wedding is in 2015. 9 months before the wedding is a good time to ask.

Viczaesar · January 2014

Good news! It's not your MOH's job to help you plan your wedding. The only job either a MOH or a bridesmaid has to do is show up at the wedding in the correct attire, which should be selected with their comfort and budget in mind. So when deciding who should be your MOH think about who is closest to you, not who has the most free time to help you plan your wedding (or bachelorette parties or showers or whatever). This is about you honoring your closest friends and/or family members, nothing else. You can have more than one MOH, or none at all if you are equally close with all of your ladies. Based on what you've said here I would ask your two sisters to be your MOHs.

Ven&Radio · January 2014

As others have already stated, your bridal party's only job is to show up on time and appropriately dressed. You also don't HAVE to have a MOH.

AddieCake · January 2014

Where did you get the idea that your MOH is supposed to help plan your wedding?

Belthil · January 2014

I wouldn't worry about asking anyone until approx 9 months out from the wedding. You never know what will happen between now and the wedding to change your relationships with people, and demoting someone from MOH to BM or BM to not a BM can be a friendship ending move, hence the recommended 9 months from the wedding timeline)

Since the only thing that a MOH or BM is expected to do is get the dress and show up there's no reason that you can't ask your sister to be your MOH when the time comes. If anyone offers to help you plan then feel free to take them up on their offer, but plan to do all the planning with just you and your FI.

climbingsingle · January 2014

First, you have time before you need to ask anyone. You're wedding is more than a year away.

Your MOH is not required to help you plan.

If you don't feel close enough to someone, then don't ask them to be in your bridal party. Easy.

clarke10 · January 2014

Well you don't need to worry about this for a long time. Your MOH doesn't have to help plan. Being MOH isn't a stressful position because the only thing they have to do is walk down the aisle and stand beside you as you get married. Pretty simple.

I wouldn't ask those friends to be in the wedding party at all. It sounds like you aren't even that good of friends with them? You don't know them enough to ask them, so that should be a sign.

Who is your best friend? Who are you closest to? That's your MOH.

tcnoble · January 2014

@trmatts I was in a similar situation. My sisters are 18 and 15, with my wedding being in 2015. As some other PP have pointed out, it's not their job to do anything. Their age, things going on in their lives, should not influence your decision. I asked both my sisters because they are my sisters and my best friends. They've offered input, helped me brainstorm, etc. but ultimately it's my wedding and I don't expect them to perform in any way other than to stand by my side on the big day. Your sisters may be young, but think of how honored they would be to be asked. They'd help any way they could, but just be careful not to place any expectations on them, as there shouldn't be any. When I asked mine, their initial responses were "what!! Me?!! But I don't know anything about weddings!!" And I said cool neither do I this will be fun!! haha

Blue_Bird · January 2014

trmatts said:

I have two younger sisters, and maybe two friends I could ask. He has his half sister.

My wedding is going to be in 2015, and if I asked my younger (not youngest) sister, who is 17, to be my MOH, she would have to contend with finishing high school and graduating, getting into college (and she likes to pack in the extracurriculars, by the way), AND help plan my wedding so that it's done a month before she even graduates. I'm not sure I want to immerse her in that kind of stress, but she's pretty much my best option. She's sharp, she knows what I like and don't like, and she respects my decisions and wishes, AND she's very creative. I think a lot of our wedding will end up being DIY'd, so having her talents as a MOH would be awesome. But like I said, she's already got a lot on her plate.
And my youngest sister and his half sister are the same age, entering high school. I don't want them to deal with the stress of helping plan a wedding and entering high school, not to mention neither one of them would probably know how exactly to plan with a good budget and respect my wants and needs.

I could ask my friends. The problem is, I don't know them well enough to the point where I feel comfortable enough asking either one of them. I only hang out with them occasionally. A lot of the time they end up canceling plans with me because "something else came up", which reflects on me that they don't really care as much as I want them to about our friendship. Which tells me that they probably could act very similarly with wedding plans. That could change, I could find another friend with whom I end up sharing more interests with, who spends more time with me in a way that I like, doesn't cancel and cares about my problems more than theirs, or they could change over time (though I don't see that happening). I don't mean to sound inconsiderate, I just initiate a lot of our conversations and our plans to hang out, and knowing they don't follow through with plans as is makes me not very confident in either of their abilities. They want to be part of the wedding dress search, but I don't know if I even want to invite them to that. They're allowed to have their own lives, I just haven't been able to keep a solid friend is all.

I at least have a year to decide yet. What would be your input? I might have sounded like I answered a lot of my own questioning, but I want to be sure to ask for other input, see what I could have missed, that sort of thing. Thanks, ladies! And happy new year!

I think you should forget about who your maid of honor should be and think about hiring a wedding coordinator with DIY experience. It looks like that's what you're really interested in.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

It seems like you're confusing wedding planner and MOH. MOH is a friend that you honor, and who stands next to you when you say your vows.

Planner is a professional adult that you hire to help plan your wedding. This is usually not someone you know prior to wedding planning.

MrsWCoastieWife · January 2014

I have asked my two younger sisters to be my maids of honor for my upcoming wedding. One of my sisters will be finishing up her senior year of college and I know that she has a life outside of my wedding planning. I will just be happy that she is with me on my wedding day!

Klloyd89 · January 2014

I'm having four bridesmaids and no MOH. All the bridesmaids are helping with different tasks and planning the bridal shower. This way it is fair to everyone and there no more pressure on one person than the others.

Jen4948 · January 2014

Klloyd89 said:

I'm having four bridesmaids and no MOH. All the bridesmaids are helping with different tasks and planning the bridal shower. This way it is fair to everyone and there no more pressure on one person than the others.

Did they volunteer to help, or did you assign them tasks?

If they each volunteered, then it is fair. If you assigned them tasks, it is not fair, because it is not their job-not even to give you a bridal shower.

aspoonfulofsugar · January 2014

I agree with others, you have plenty of time to ask. While you can't expect people to commit to helping you do most things (it really does fall to you and your FI), the best piece of advice I've been given is "go with your gut!" So if that means having your sister as your MOH and not having your friends (since you're even considering not inviting them dress shopping....), then go with what feels right to you.

McKenzieMC0921 · January 2014

Have your younger (not youngest) sister be you maid of honor and have your youngest sister and his half sister be the matrons of honor. It makes them all feel important plus you have extra help when your maid of honor feels overwhelmed. As for your friends, the way you were talking, they will make excellent bridesmaids on your big day. Nothing more, nothing less. Hopefully everyone will be supportive no matter what you decide.

Viczaesar · January 2014

McKenzieMC0921 said:

Have your younger (not youngest) sister be you maid of honor and have your youngest sister and his half sister be the matrons of honor. It makes them all feel important plus you have extra help when your maid of honor feels overwhelmed. As for your friends, the way you were talking, they will make excellent bridesmaids on your big day. Nothing more, nothing less. Hopefully everyone will be supportive no matter what you decide.

What? Do you actually know what Matron of Honor means? It's what you call a married Maid of Honor. I'm pretty sure her youngest sister, who is 13/14 if she is starting high school, is not married, and neither is his half sister, who is the same age. And again, Maid/Matron of Honor =/= wedding helper bee.

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