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Ceremony and Vow Ideas

Help! Groom & Wedding Ceremony

Help! My fiance and I have been together for a long time, own a house together, etc. Wedding planning has been mostly smooth and in general we're good communicators and good at compromising--until we get to talking about our wedding ceremony which induces massive, unresolved fighting! 

We're both agnostic him from an Armenian/Christian/Italian background and myself from an interfaith Jewish/Christian family. We've agreed we want a secular ceremony but I want to find a way to still create a ceremony that is meaningful and based on integrity and purpose. I think the wedding ceremony is and should be important and it's why we get to celebrate with a reception. My fiance, on the other hand, wants our ceremony to be 5 minutes or less and as basic as possible. 

Now tonight he's saying he doesn't care about the ceremony at all and it's not important--his p.o.v is that he asked me to marry him and that was what was important and he already knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me so a ceremony is just a formality--he doesn't even care about having one. He wants the reception though because it's a celebration of our love (which he does not need a ceremony to define or confirm for him). I'm feeling so hurt that he not only doesn't think it's important but also that he can't understand why I do think it's important. 

Anyone else struggling? Am I being over-sensitive here? Did your groom co-write/co-work on your ceremony? 

Re: Help! Groom & Wedding Ceremony

  • Maybe you could find some little blessing or aspect to incorporate into the ceremony while still keeping it fairly short and simple. FI and I are having a short ceremony only 15-20 minutes tops. Its fairly simple. But we did incorporate a special blessing / fire ceremony that is more us.

    Maybe your FI would be more open to ideas if you drew up a plan first and showed it to him? I hope you guys figure it out! Good luck!
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    We both want a short ceremony... like 10 minutes or less if possible.  But that doesn't mean that it won't be meaningful.  We are looking for vows that have more meaning to us (we really don't want to write them ourselves though), rather than using the typical straight from the book vows. We plan to keep it short, but add a lot of meaning and emotion into those few minutes. And you can always add a reading or additional ceremony element that has meaning without making it long.  But, you need to find a compromise with FI that you both can live with.  Nobody else can help with that.

    image 

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Help! My fiance and I have been together for a long time, own a house together, etc. Wedding planning has been mostly smooth and in general we're good communicators and good at compromising--until we get to talking about our wedding ceremony which induces massive, unresolved fighting! 

    We're both agnostic him from an Armenian/Christian/Italian background and myself from an interfaith Jewish/Christian family. We've agreed we want a secular ceremony but I want to find a way to still create a ceremony that is meaningful and based on integrity and purpose. I think the wedding ceremony is and should be important and it's why we get to celebrate with a reception. My fiance, on the other hand, wants our ceremony to be 5 minutes or less and as basic as possible. 

    Now tonight he's saying he doesn't care about the ceremony at all and it's not important--his p.o.v is that he asked me to marry him and that was what was important and he already knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me so a ceremony is just a formality--he doesn't even care about having one. He wants the reception though because it's a celebration of our love (which he does not need a ceremony to define or confirm for him). I'm feeling so hurt that he not only doesn't think it's important but also that he can't understand why I do think it's important. 

    Anyone else struggling? Am I being over-sensitive here? Did your groom co-write/co-work on your ceremony? 
    How involved do you want the ceremony.  You said FI wants 5 mins, how long do you want the ceremony to be?  There has to be a compromise in there somewhere.  You will be compromising all throughout your marriage, you may as well start now.  Find some examples of ceremony scripts you like online.  Print them out and show them to FI, ask him what he thinks of these.  Keep calm during the discussion.
  • thanks for all the feedback, very helpful. looking to find an officiant to maybe help us through some of this. it's not the length that is important to me, it's the idea that i think our wedding ceremony is important my fi sees it as a formality. 
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