GMs planning strippers/FI and I not interested

nikoleechan · January 2014

Hello all!

Neither my fiancé or I are interested in strippers or clubs and while my MOH will make sure I'm happy with my girls night I know at least 2 of his GM will fight for a strip club party or strippers in some capacity.

One of them is a serial cheater and all around asshat and the other is just not interested in monogamy and loves strip clubs. My Fi assures me he's not interested in strippers and just wants to go for drinks and mini putt and bowling downtown. I trust him not to do anything but I wouldn't put it past them to "surprise him" and/or drag him to a club because he's not driving. He's a sweet guy and rarely sticks up for himself or makes his displeasure known, he's more likely to just go with it and not cause a problem. How do I make sure his GM will understand he wants to just have a chill night and relax without seeming like it's because of me? One of them already hates me because I don't tolerate his crap. Once I got his gf a job with me and she asked why I dislike him and I told her it's because he has cheated before and been a dick about it and he yelled at me because he had told her he'd never cheated before. I don't try to stop my FI from seeing him because they've been friends a long long time and I trust him to go for drinks without doing anything stupid but if he gets together with the other GM I worry about I wouldn't put it past them to sneak a stripper in somewhere.

Someone tell me I'm not crazy.

tammym1001 · January 2014

I think if your FI doesn't want strippers then he needs to be the one to tell his GM's that and then stick to it. No matter how you say it or what you say if you mention this to his GM's then they are going to think he just doesn't want them because you don't want him to have them. He needs to stand up for himself if he really doesn't want them.

monkeysip · January 2014

This is your FI's fight, not yours.

If you and your FI both agree that you don't want strippers at your party, then it's up to FI to grow a pair and stick to that. H's friends didn't attempt that since he already made it clear he didn't want that. But if they were jerks and still insisted, I wouldn't have put it past H to have called a cab home or something.

If your FI can't stand up for himself, that's a problem. But you're just going to look like a nagging fiancee if you get angry at his friends about this.

And like PP said, if FI says yes but you're saying no, his friends will just think that it's really JUST YOU that has the problem with strippers, and they'll think he's just a henpecked guy.

Inkdancer · January 2014

Ditto PPs: your FI needs to fight this battle for himself. My one suggestion is to have FI plan to drive himself or have taxi money on hand. That way if he really does not want to be dragged to a strip club or somewhere else the guys have planned, he can say "thanks but no thanks" and take himself home if necessary.

It would be pretty crappy of his friends to ignore his wishes, but I could see it happening with some people.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

nikoleechan said:

Hello all! Neither my fiancé or I are interested in strippers or clubs and while my MOH will make sure I'm happy with my girls night I know at least 2 of his GM will fight for a strip club party or strippers in some capacity. One of them is a serial cheater and all around asshat and the other is just not interested in monogamy and loves strip clubs. My Fi assures me he's not interested in strippers and just wants to go for drinks and mini putt and bowling downtown. I trust him not to do anything but I wouldn't put it past them to "surprise him" and/or drag him to a club because he's not driving. He's a sweet guy and rarely sticks up for himself or makes his displeasure known, he's more likely to just go with it and not cause a problem. How do I make sure his GM will understand he wants to just have a chill night and relax without seeming like it's because of me? One of them already hates me because I don't tolerate his crap. Once I got his gf a job with me and she asked why I dislike him and I told her it's because he has cheated before and been a dick about it and he yelled at me because he had told her he'd never cheated before. I don't try to stop my FI from seeing him because they've been friends a long long time and I trust him to go for drinks without doing anything stupid but if he gets together with the other GM I worry about I wouldn't put it past them to sneak a stripper in somewhere. Someone tell me I'm not crazy.

You need to stay out of it. Unless you want to come across as a controlling bitch to his friends, keep your mouth shut and let your FI handle it.

HaileyDancingbear · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

nikoleechan said:

Hello all! Neither my fiancé or I are interested in strippers or clubs and while my MOH will make sure I'm happy with my girls night I know at least 2 of his GM will fight for a strip club party or strippers in some capacity. One of them is a serial cheater and all around asshat and the other is just not interested in monogamy and loves strip clubs. My Fi assures me he's not interested in strippers and just wants to go for drinks and mini putt and bowling downtown. I trust him not to do anything but I wouldn't put it past them to "surprise him" and/or drag him to a club because he's not driving. He's a sweet guy and rarely sticks up for himself or makes his displeasure known, he's more likely to just go with it and not cause a problem. How do I make sure his GM will understand he wants to just have a chill night and relax without seeming like it's because of me? One of them already hates me because I don't tolerate his crap. Once I got his gf a job with me and she asked why I dislike him and I told her it's because he has cheated before and been a dick about it and he yelled at me because he had told her he'd never cheated before. I don't try to stop my FI from seeing him because they've been friends a long long time and I trust him to go for drinks without doing anything stupid but if he gets together with the other GM I worry about I wouldn't put it past them to sneak a stripper in somewhere. Someone tell me I'm not crazy.

You need to stay out of it. Unless you want to come across as a controlling bitch to his friends, keep your mouth shut and let your FI handle it.

This. Anything you say will be held against you. Your FI needs to handle it on his own. I'm in the same boat as you, FI and I aren't interested in strippers- if we wanna see naked people we've got each other for that, lol. When my MOH said she wanted to do my bachelorette party, I kinda just told her "do whatever you want, but if a stripper shows up I will either kick them out or leave." Of course she knows me and probably wasn't planning one anyways, but I also wouldn't put it past her to hire one as a joke if I didn't make myself clear- she and I are both huge smart asses and sass each other constantly (with love).

I think your FI should sit these two friends down and tell them flat out "I do not want strippers. I will leave if there are strippers." And he should also appeal to his more reasonable GM's about this and make sure they also know he isn't comfortable with strippers- If all of the GM's are aware of this, then they can help veto the 2 GM's in question's ideas to have strippers or go to a strip club. No matter how adamant these two GMs are about it, they're not going to be able to go through with it if nobody lets them.

ShallowSeas · January 2014

Luckily, I didn't have to say anything to FI about strippers. I am against it completely but luckily, he doesnt want any part of it and told his BM and GM's "absolutely no strippers" and if there were any, he was leaving.

I agree with PPs. Stay out of it. Your FI needs to be the one to step up and put his foot down about not having strippers, and if he doesn't, then his bad. Deal with it.

AddieCake · January 2014

Stay out of it. If your fiance doesn't want strippers and strippers suddenly become part of the night, he needs to say "Thanks but no thanks." He can always call a cab (or you) if he needs a ride home.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

Ditto PPs -- this is your FI's fight, not yours, and if you get in the middle of it, they're going to think you're a controlling bitch who won't let her FI think for himself.

Your bigger problem is that he "rarely sticks up for himself or makes his displeasure known.' Does this extend to all areas of his life? If so, you're in for a world of problems if he won't stand up for what you/he want, as a couple, to other people.

pinkcow13 · January 2014

Definitely stay out of it. This is his battle, not yours. He's mature enough to marry you, then I would assume he is mature enough to let his opinion and wishes be known to his friends.

delujm0 · January 2014

If he truly doesn't want to go to a strip club, but his friends bring him to one anyway, he has terrible friends. Regardless, this is his problem, not yours, and he's going to have to handle it himself. If he's old enough to get married, he's old enough to stand up for what he wants to do with his night.

I hope this is strictly a problem with his friends, and he doesn't have issues standing up for himself or making his displeasure known when dealing with you though. If you guys are unable to communicate before marriage, That's probably not going to improve afterwards.

JaniV123 · January 2014

OP your post reminds me that half of my cousins apparently have started planning a bach party for FI where they will "initiate" him with the usual family BP involving strippers

FI and I dont like strippers, his friends know better and we are even considering a joined BP and then separating into guys and girls

hellohkb · January 2014

I agree with PP. Stay out of it. If he really doesn't want strippers, he can tell his friends himself. If you step in, you will look crazy and the GMs will assume its only YOU who doesn't want the strippers.

And if he just never says anything, that can be a huge problem for you guys as a couple down the line.

vt&dt · January 2014

Another vote that it's his deal.

I do think, though, that if he's as adamant about this as he seems from your post, you can tell him that if he's uncomfortable, he can (should?) get himself out of whatever situation he doesn't want to be in, and you can volunteer to be his "getaway" car.

He should insist with his GMs that he will not stay around if they're bringing strippers or things he's uncomfortable with, and then follow through if needed.

I don't want to seem like a downer... but this is perhaps one of the easiest/simplest/clearest conflicts with close family/friends that you're likely to face as a married couple. It's good for him to practice standing up for himself/you both now, because it's guaranteed that you'll need to again - probably for something more serious than entertainment at a bachelor party.

pinkshorts27 · January 2014

monkeysip said:

This is your FI's fight, not yours.

If you and your FI both agree that you don't want strippers at your party, then it's up to FI to grow a pair and stick to that. H's friends didn't attempt that since he already made it clear he didn't want that. But if they were jerks and still insisted, I wouldn't have put it past H to have called a cab home or something.

If your FI can't stand up for himself, that's a problem. But you're just going to look like a nagging fiancee if you get angry at his friends about this.

And like PP said, if FI says yes but you're saying no, his friends will just think that it's really JUST YOU that has the problem with strippers, and they'll think he's just a henpecked guy.

Can I just say, I really really hate this expression. I hate connecting personality traits to his "manhood". Some men are soft spoken and it doesn't make them less of men. Me be outspoken doesn't mean I have a pair.

But beyond that. I would say he should talk to one person who is hosting the Bachelor Party and enlist in him to help him. I understand where you are coming from, my guy is soft spoken and doesn't want strippers yet his two best-men (well the people he will ask-best friend and brother) would totally do that. His best friend's gf takes him to strip clubs and pays for his lap dances. My brother, who is going to offer to help with the Bachelor Party (and is going to be a gm) has been enlisted to enforce a strict no-strippers policy. If he gets wind of strippers the bachelor party will just not happen.

kns1988 · January 2014

Just wanna throw this out there - there's really nothing wrong with going to a strip club. It's not a big, evil, scary place where someone will try to steal your fiance away. If he went to one and had a few drinks, I promise the world will not end.

ei34 · January 2014

Echoing everyone else, but stay out of this and let your FI stand up for himself. They're his friends and it's his bachelor party, don't worry yourself with the details that your FI lets happen (especially since in your post you'd said "I trust him to go for drinks without doing anything stupid", which is most important

Inkdancer · January 2014

kns1988 said:

Just wanna throw this out there - there's really nothing wrong with going to a strip club. It's not a big, evil, scary place where someone will try to steal your fiance away. If he went to one and had a few drinks, I promise the world will not end.

This is true, but I don't get the sense that OP is worried about that, so much as her FI's friends bullying him into stuff he doesn't want to do.

Just like he can say no to skydiving or going to the beach, he can say no to strippers if he's not interested, and his friends have no right to push him into it.

CaliMel11 · January 2014

If he doesn't want to go to one, he is an adult and should hopefully be capable of telling his friends he isn't into it.

mimiphin · January 2014

kns1988 said:

Just wanna throw this out there - there's really nothing wrong with going to a strip club. It's not a big, evil, scary place where someone will try to steal your fiance away. If he went to one and had a few drinks, I promise the world will not end.

I have to agree, the strippers in my city is the only dance club with a cover so it keeps out all the riff-raft, its mostly just young 19-40, mostly women, who go there for a good time with their girl friends.
I also have no issues with my FI going to Vegas with his GM for a weekend, I trust his judgement 100% but you can be damn sure I'm packing him condoms. I have no worries that he is unfaithful to me but if in a "Drunken Stuper" he ends up in ahem a compromising position I would much rather he be safe about it and not put us in danger. We will deal with the consequences when he gets home....

OP I think you need to realise how you are coming across to your FI friends, you are the big bad FI who won't let him have any fun. If this is truly something he doesn't want then HE needs to be the one to say it, it is not your job.

monkeysip · January 2014

blueeyes90

Meh, I get what you mean about gender stereotypes, but I just use it as an expression. You're right though that having courage shouldn't be correlated just to men and their testicles.

Cookie Pusher · January 2014

My FI also doesn't want strippers. Heck, he doesn't even want a bachelor party (he doesn't see a point of a "last hurrah" since we've been together since the stone age). However, I trust that he will use his best judgment should his brother plan something for him that he is uncomfortable with. If I didn't trust him, there's no way I'd be marrying him in the first place.

JeeGooDowster · January 2014

I was in the same boat as you...but in hindsight...it was just massive paranoia. Our groomsmen (single and taken) loves the strip clubs and everything about adult entertainment...and sorry to say but if your FI isn't backing down from it...he probably doesn't mind it either! There's nothing wrong with it as long as it's used for entertainment purposes only and if you say/do something about it it...yes you will look like a controlling bitch but worse off, it can make your FI look like a pussy and I'm sure that is not what you want (I don't think!)...so just let it go...say your peace...take deep breaths and have fun on your bachelorette party! LOL

GMs planning strippers/FI and I not interested

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