Premarital counseling with FI's father

kns1988 · January 2014

My FI's father is a pastor and will be officiating our wedding. Premarital counseling is a requirement, and I think our current plan is to have every session with FFIL except for any relating to sex because that would be a little too awkward for us. Anyways, do you think this is crazy? His dad is an excellent pastor and very professional, but I'm starting to get nervous.

kns1988 · January 2014

Any other Methodists out there that can give me a heads up as to what the counseling entails?

bethsmiles · January 2014

Personally, I wouldn't want a family member to the pre-marital counseling. I just wouldn't want family members that involved in our relationship.

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

kns1988 said:

My FI's father is a pastor and will be officiating our wedding. Premarital counseling is a requirement, and I think our current plan is to have every session with FFIL except for any relating to sex because that would be a little too awkward for us. Anyways, do you think this is crazy? His dad is an excellent pastor and very professional, but I'm starting to get nervous.

Yes, I do. I think it's a terrible idea, quite frankly.

No offence to your FFIL, but I would never, ever, EVER recommend doing ANY kind of pre-marital counselling with a relative. It's not just about the sex stuff, it's about all the other stuff -- conflict resolution and finances and kids and whose family you'll spend which holiday with and how you'll divvy up responsibilities.

I would find it hard to believe that a family member could be objective about things (such as kids), and I would find it hard to believe that a family member could keep that private, just in the counselling sessions.

Blergbot · January 2014

Yep. This is crazypants. Please find a different pastor for premarital counseling.

chibiyui · January 2014

I also, would never do premarital counseling with a family member.

kns1988 · January 2014

Noted. I'll talk to FI about it tonight and see what our options are.

firebabe6519 · January 2014

Absolutely horrible idea! I have known 3 people to do this and every one of those relationships ended very badly. Family members are biased whether they mean to be or not. And quite frankly they tend to stir up problems between couples. It is not worth the stress to do premarital counseling with ones FFIL.

Also what if said family member were to ever disagree with or become angry with you? Do you trust human nature enough to not expect some of those dark little secrets or insecurities to not be shared?

That's just my opinion though.

pumpkinsandturkeys · January 2014

Ditto all of the above. Find another pastor who can do the counselling for you.

hlvonb · January 2014

@kns1988

Nope nope nope.

My fiancé's grandfather is performing part of the wedding ceremony and the other pastor is doing the rest of it and we opted to have the other pastor do the premarital counseling because there are some things that a family member (no matter what their profession is or how professional they are) just shouldn't know or be involved in. Also, if you and your fiancé / husband should ever have to sit down with the pastor for marital issues, you really don't want your FFIL to be the one to sit with you. It's just an all around bad idea.

SmileDamnit · January 2014

Totally agree with PP. I'd take it a step further and say that counseling by anyone with whom you have a 'relationship' (e.g. family OR friend) just isn't a wise idea and is actually frowned upon ethically as a "dual relationship". Objectivity will never happen, no matter how well intentioned or professional he may be, because at the end of the day, he has personal, vested interest in the outcome. No doubt he's a fantastic pastor and him being officiant will make your wedding so very special. Best to leave it at that.

monkeysip · January 2014

Yeah, I have to agree with pps.

During our counseling, I know a common discussion was family, both H's concerns about mine and mine about his. We couldn't do that if our counselor was family...

Or even other things like finances. I wouldn't want one of our parents hearing that stuff because it's not their business. It's up to US as husband and wife to resolve those kinds of problems.

It would be very hard for them to stay objective.

cruffino · January 2014

I'm sure your FI's dad can refer you to another minister. Or call the equivalent of the Catholic diocese (sorry, that's my only reference point) and get the names of a couple of ministers near you.

blabla89 · January 2014

Agree with the PPs - you do need an objective counselor. Can FFIL arrange for a church elder to do counseling? Or refer you to a professional Christian counselor?

HisGirlFriday13 · January 2014

cruffino said:

I'm sure your FI's dad can refer you to another minister. Or call the equivalent of the Catholic diocese (sorry, that's my only reference point) and get the names of a couple of ministers near you.

I LOL'd at that. When I was in print journalism and covering the religion beat, I would not infrequently walk up to a pastor and out of long-held habit say, "Hi, Father!" before correcting myself. Always made them laugh, and often broke the ice.

MuppetOverlord · January 2014

I think it's inappropriate that he does it.

KytchynWitche · January 2014

I don't think it's in any way appropriate for your FFIL to be in charge of your premarital counseling.

It's like doctors, it's considered unethical for a doctor to treat a member of their family except when NOT treating them would result in loss of life. The reason for that is because, when it comes to your family, you're not objective - you're too invested in it to be able to make clear decisions.

I don't see how it's any different for a pastor. Professional though he may be, he's invested in his son's life, and in yours, and may end up making comments, because he wants so much to help you, that may actually be harmful in the long-term.

FWIW, FI's uncle is officiating for us, and wants us to do "marriage prep", which I've agreed to. He does not want to be our marriage prep facilitator, and I am SO thankful for that.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

Agreed with PPs, this is a bad idea. In addition to the other concerns brought up, do you really think you and your FI could be totally honest and forthcoming with his father? There is no way I could talk to my FIL about saving/spending habits or sharing responsibilities.

One of the best takeaways that we learned from counseling is this: before you are married, your immediate family is your parents, siblings and any children. When you get married, your spouse becomes your immediate family and the others become your extended family. It's not about the terminology, but more that your first responsibility is now to your spouse, not your parents. I don't think any father could really share that.

emmyg65 · January 2014

Like others said, it's not a good idea. And frankly, I'm surprised your FFIL even offered to do your counseling since it's unethical. There's a very clear conflict of interest.

AddieCake · January 2014

Put me in the "Don't Do It" camp.

vt&dt · January 2014

I totally agree with PPs. And have a story.

One of my best friends from college got married, and her FI's father was the officiant. They did premarital counseling together, but didn't talk too much about family situations/sex. He gave them books to read and surveys/questionnaires to fill out and discuss with each other without him around.

Then came the ceremony... the sermon or message was ALL about how he needed to "achieve great things for his family" and how she needed to "be his cheerleader and support his efforts unconditionally" and "submit to his will so he can take care of you". Add more accolades for the groom and instructions for the bride to just encourage him and submit to whatever he wants you to do. If I wasn't in the wedding, I may have walked out. She didn't seem to mind too much, and they're still happily married, but his bias towards his son/personal beliefs on marriage seemed to trump theirs and took over the ceremony.

Premarital counseling with FI's father

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